Friday, 24 August 2012

Still In Shock.

Hello Readers. I'm still living life like a normal person. Other than I don't eat or sleep at all. I don't feel my body's alarms going off at all. I never feel hungry even when I've only had a cup of tea or water in 13 hours. I don't feel tired even though I can barely get down 4 hours of sleep at a time.

I've just been hanging out with friends, drinking, hiking, playing soccer, getting work done, and getting my own art done. I can do these things because none of this feels real.

My birth search is closed. My birth search is closed. My birth search is closed.

I can't say it out loud because even the thought of it doesn't seem real. I can't believe I'm still in shock of this; I can't believe how much I don't feel this. It's like my mind has been over dosing on antidepressants for days. Unless my adoptive mom is slipping tasteless medication into both of my Camelbaks I have no idea how I'd be getting pills.

I've met a lot of people with cancer and a lot of people who've lost someone over seas because of my aunt who passed of breast cancer and my cousin who was a Ranger. For some people when they're diagnosed or told their son has given his life for his country they break down from the news, but then don't cry for days.

They were in shock, and that's what I feel right now. I got the news, started convulsing on my bed in tears for a half hour, and blasting "I Wonder" by Gowe on repeat. Then in a matter of a minute I calmed down, got up, and curled my hair. I went to Ikea, and I kept going like I was alright. I kept living forward like I hadn't just gotten the most devastating news of my life.

Before starting this search I put a lot of thought into it. Was I ready? Where ever the possible answers both extremely good and incredibly bad? Can I handle those answers? I decided that I could. The top three things that I knew could really crush me was my search being closed, second someone being located and denying contact, and the worst my birth mother already being dead.

I always imagined getting this news, Children's Home closing my birth search. I'd wonder what would I do? How would I survive it and keep going? I never thought I'd react like this. I thought I'd be in bed for days and constantly crying. I thought I'd feeling like dying, every part of me aching from the pain of the search getting that much harder.

I never thought I'd react by going into shock, but here I am. Here feeling nothing.

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