Thursday, 22 November 2012

An Uneventful Gobble Day.

Hello Readers. Happy Gobble Gobble Day! I hope yours is lovely and full of friends and family. Even if it's family you only see for the holidays and they annoy the hell out of you. One day when someone passes away you'll suddenly realize how special even that one person made the holidays. Even if it was them starting a shouting match at the dinner table, Getting drunk and making all the cousins play charades, Or escaping the aunts and uncles to go for a chilly walk outside. Those are three things I miss about my family from my childhood.

Tonight I spend this holiday alone. I know I hate my adoption, but it doesn't mean I hate family. If anything I know more on how special family really is, and how much I'd love to be a part of one. I know what your thinking.. If you want a family so badly why aren't you with your adoptive one right now? Well I'm a bit of a Scrooge when it comes to the holidays.

I'm pretty much sad, angry, or annoyed during "the most wonderful time of the year." My birth family are all together for Ch'u Sok. Which is basically the Korean thanksgiving day. Ch'u Sok meaning "the harvest moon", Is celebrated on a different day each year depending on the lunar calendar. But it's always celebrated in September for the harvest.

I can picture the family in all parts of the house. My mother, all the ladies, and a special few men in the kitchen getting the harvest meal ready. Maybe they all step out into the living room to play a quick family game or to catch something on the tv. In my mind she hangs back and takes a movement to think about me, maybe lets herself cry a little. That's all I can picture during the holidays.. Her taking these small moments for herself..

That's exactly what I do every year. I take a moment to think about her, and to let myself cry a little. I miss her so much around the holidays. I always feel so cold and alone, Like an old hallow tree. In a way only a homeless adoptee could understand. I wish I had a home, I need her.

As always I had many friends offer to take me home for Thanksgiving, but this year I declined. I stayed home by myself while my parents went to my grandma's. I worked on my art while my cat ran around the house. I've been rocking out to good punk all day.. Mostly "The Longest Line" by NOFX on repeat. I went out with one of my best friends for a few pints. When I got home I called around to every place in the area that delivered, Until finally a pizza place answered.

The delivery boy was my age, Just a cute sweet guy. He said he was surprised a pretty girl like me would be ordering out for the holidays. I laughed and lied saying I wasn't much of a chef, Anything to avoid acknowledging Turkey Day. He laughed all miffed, as he walked away he turned around and said, "Hey! I hope you have a really great Thanksgiving!" ....It was like taking a bullet.

While I was cleaning up my dishes one of besties and brain soulmate Matt called. It's our special thing on the holidays, he always calls me on Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's my only real tradition. He's super fucked up, but he's so smart and a wonderful person. I love that kid, He's always there for me.

I hope you all had wonderful turkey filled gatherings with your friends and family today. I hope you keep in mind how special and important those people are to you. You never know how much you'll miss it once its gone. If you feel like a homeless adoptee like me, caught between two worlds that you don't belong to.. I'm sorry you're missing people you've never met, but you're not alone in feeling helplessly hallow.. I miss my biological strangers too.

So that's my Gobble Gobble Day, kinda sad, kind depressing. And pretty uneventful. My parents just got home, Time to snag a pice of my dad's pumpkin pie.

어머니여보세요. 난 당신이 훌륭한 수확은 9 월에 함께 있길 바래. 난 당신이 모든 소란에 나를 생각 바랍니다. 난 당신에게 많은 어머니가보고 싶어요. 난 달보다 더 큰 사랑 해요. 당신이 내 세상입니다. 하시기 바랍니다 내가 당신을 찾으실 수 있습니다. 당신이 알고있는 것보다 훨씬 더 많은 필요합니다. 당신 어머니 사랑 해요.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Hello Readers! I have some uber exciting news!! There is amazing group of international adoptee writers/bloggers called I have known about them for years, and when I was younger I always thought it would be so cool to write with them one day.

Well.. Last week they offered me a spot with them! One of the contributors Daniel Twittered me about my blog, just being cool and supportive. He asked if I had heard of TRE and I had. Then he extended his virtual hand saying that if I was ever interested in being a contributor to let him know. I jumped saying of course I would! A couple days ago it was made official, and I have my first post up now!! This is such a huge honor, and so truly important and monumental for me.

I would have blogged about this when it happened, but I was so excited to be working with such an amazing group of adoptees. They have been heroes and leaders in the international adoptee community for years, and I'm so wowed to be linked with them! I've been out a couple times to have mini celebrations with friends. Nothing big just meeting up for drinks and desert one night in Uptown, and the next day my upstate friends and I met up for lunch at The Tea Garden.

Tomorrow a bunch of us are getting together for Sunday drunk bowling, and I'm kind of hoping someone will be like "Let's have a toast for Morgan!" I'm 99% sure that won't happen, Even after I further explain what this all means to me. For the most part my Caucasian friends don't really get what a big deal this is.. Or they're too wrapped up in themselves to recognize.. And that really hurts and is uber sucky..

Most of my friends are Caucasian and don't get how important being an adoptee is to me. Uh, but I'm not going to let them get to me though! Because weirdly my adoptive mom does get that this is huge for me! She wants to go downtown and celebrate! And for once I think it's actually for me and not just an excuse for her to go out. I told my dad about it myself, pretty much the most we've spoken since his emotional breakdown last year. He also doesn't get that his is big for me and my blog. But I'm not letting that get to me either!

This is so huge, and wonderful, and I'm just in awe of it! Ahhh!! I have a bunch more to share about the new therapy I'm working on, and this amazing adoptee quote from MTV, but those are for other posts! And don't think I've forgotten, I still have a third eating disorder post to write!

Please go check out the site. Not so much to read my post, but to check out all the other bloggers. They're really spectacular folks! It really is an honor to linked with such fantastic leaders in our community; I am floored.

Fallow/Contact me @KangSunLee1991
Via: - Sorry still no camera for better vids yet!

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

I Am [STILL] Fat: Eating Disorders 101

Hello Readers. Lately I've been getting some flack for "claiming" to have eating disorders. That you can't be on one side of the spectrum, while also being on the other side. But you can.

I starve myself as much as possible. It's that one bit of control I have in my day. When I don't eat all day I normally don't feel that gnawing starving feeling until someone says, "What should we have for dinner?" Weather it's with close a friend, or a group of colleagues I have no problem saying that I haven't eaten all day, mostly because I weigh more than most of them. Everyone makes a big fuss about getting food in me ASAP; It almost seems like they care. But then no one dare says anything when I don't eat most of my meal. Although generally I try really hard to finish my meal. I hate it when I'm the only one leaving with a box.

Then there's the other side of the eating disorder spectrum, Where I eat huge meals and munch a bunch of snacks all day. Sometimes it starts because I'm so hungry I just need to friggen eat, and then the eating continues because I feel guilty for eating. Other times I feel so emotionally empty and hallow, I need to literally fill the void. Like most overweight people, I've been overweight all my life because my brain tells me to literally eat my feelings.

Thankfully I don't make myself sick, throw up, puke... Yet. I work hard to fight that urge.

Other people keep asking me why do I talk about eating disorders on a blog about being an adoptee. Well international adoptees [especially Asian adoptees in the states] are at a higher risk for mental health issues than you're average person. Yes, I was sexually assaulted and molested starting at a young age. And I agree some of why I weighed so much as a child was to keep people away. But that does not discount all of my feelings growing up as an adoptee. I felt worthless for not being white. I was an outcast because I wasn't white. They called me"Japanese Girl" from first grade through most of junior high. How could that not effect me self worth and body image?

Eating disorders aren't exactly about the food. It's your brain's manifestation of trauma, problems, or stress that you don't want to deal with. It's your brain's red alert to you, and a way of protecting your conscious from your subconscious. As a kid I needed protection, and I still do as a young adult.

I'm not sure how many pounds I weigh right now; The beauty of not having a scale in the house. It makes me not obsess over the pounds, but of course I then obsess over my looks like barely being able to see my collar bone. I am fucking obsessed with collar bones!! A lot of those with eating disorders keep asking me how can I not obsess over the pounds. Honestly, it's like when your internet goes out for a couple days. At first you flip out, but after 4 hours you're like, "Oh weird. I don't miss Facebook and checking it.. FREEDOM!!"

In early December 2011 I weighed 240lb., barely fit a 3X tank, barely fit a size 18 pant, and wore a 42C bra. Those cups by the way are the equivalent to a 36D. The sizes for my tank and pants are plus sizes, not a regular 18 from a normal store.

Now I wear an xl tank that fits perfectly, a size 14 pant, and a 38C bra that is too big around and in the cups. I'm down about 4 sizes from under a year ago, and none of the weight loss is from being healthy. At all.

Then my best friends, who actually don't know me at all are like, "What? But you go hiking, and running, and play soccer, and all that shit. You're obsessed with protein bars and fruit, How can you not be loosing weight in a healthy way?"

Ok hiking and soccer I'll give you has healthy forms of exercise. But the running.. I do that until I'm so exhausted I basically black out. It used to be just so I could force shut down my racing mind by being so exhausted, to finally sleep. Now it's because I just ate a giant bowl of spicy ramyun, with eggs in it for dinner! Which Is Not Fucking Ok because I had toast with peanut butter and tea for breakfast! And sometimes the only thing I eat all day is a couple protein bars! And I eat a lot of fruit because I know it's mostly water!! But unlike when I chug water all day to fill me up, Fucking fruit has some level of nutrients in it!!

Even right now I'm all, "OMG.. Eggs sound sooo good!" I haven't eaten all morning. In fact I have eaten since my mini chicken Kiev, a scoop of broccoli, and a scoop of rice last night. Actually I ALMOST ate some Goldfish and Triscuits late last night. Even put it in a bowl and everything, but then threw it all in the trash instead.

While typing all of this I have consumed an entire liter, 1000ml, just over 32oz of water. If I list out the amount in more than one way, it feels like more. I am so not done talking about eating disorders. This is such an important mental health topic from both men and woman.

But fore now, I guess now I'll go have a protein bar or some sourdough pretzels.

Monday, 5 November 2012

Be Mindful & Learn To Care more.

Hello Readers. Last week I was able to meet up with an old friend who I hadn't seen in years! It was so much fun to see her, and give her a hug! Her parents are missionaries and she grew up in Papua New Guinea. She is Caucasian and have been living in the states for years, but like me she still feels like a foreigner. She looks like most Americans, but she's bilingual and bicultural. I do not look American at all, and while being raised in America I'm still bicultural.

While we caught up we also talked about things that bugged us about American life. The number one thing was how American social culture is set up to focus on the individual vs the community. The American dream of being self made is great and all, but being self made means keeping a the focus on the individual vs the community. Being yourself and taking care of yourself first is very important, but in virtually every country has their social focus on the community.

This doesn't mean you need to sacrifice yourself for the group. It means to try and put others first. To have the understanding that you're own little world doesn't revolve around you. Your own little world is your family and friends, meaning your community. It's also your job has a human being to extend that love to other communities of totally strangers.

Middle class in the states may not rule, but they come in unheard of numbers. The middle class basically does not exist in other countries. Yet it's my middle class friends who complain the most and so rudely about money. They bag and hate on my upper class friends all the time. Simply because they have a higher net worth than them. To me that's ridiculous and childish. It's the adult equivalent to a child hating a classmate for getting an expensive toy.

My upper class friends don't complain about my middle class friends at all, except for most of them having rather rude manners and not being big on reading. Most of my upper class friends need to work 80 hour weeks to make the money they do. For the ones who don't need to work a paying job, they still work 80 hour weeks hands on with nonprofits and are constantly volunteering. They all takes large portions of their earnings and donate as well.

I also have very poor friends. Friends who can barely make rent. Friends who live on the streets everyday. Friends who have never had their own room or their own bed. And one friend who actually jumps trains to get around!Know where I met most of them? Volunteering! And I don't mean me helping them, I mean we met while volunteering together. They never complain about money, and they don't bag on others or myself for having more than them. All they want in life is to give back and help their communities. They consider their work their real life savings.

While trying to explain to my super tall guy friend [Who has randomly popped back into my life, Still don't why yet] that he was being selfish and made something I was sharing him all about him. He told me that I was just playing "The Culture Card", Which we all know is a sugar coated way of saying "The Race Card". I was taken a back, Whenever a friend says something racist to me I'm always surprised. Apparently me being yellow, while stating a fact in any Soc101 textbook is actually me comparing America to Korea. I didn't mention Korea at all, but apparently me just being Korean implies such. I was only observing a basic sociological truth any social scientist would have pointed out, but because I'm Korean I'm "clearly" comparing America to Korea? That is so racist.

I wish my middle class friends were aware of the real riches in volunteering vs complaining and doing nothing about it. Instead of complaining, go out and make a difference! I complain about adoption all the time, but I'm actually going out and doing something about it! I wish they'd pull on a hair net, donate a few boxes of clothes, and help a stranger for once. I wish all of my American friends were more mindful in their daily lives, and more aware of what others have to go through in their daily lives. I just wish everyone cared more; The way me and my foreigner friends do.

I once told a friend that it felt like I cared too much. While everyone always laughs at me, saying they agree and I'm weird for it.. He was the first and only American to reply, "There's no such thing, Others care to little. So there is hope if we all go out and try.

Sunday, 4 November 2012

I'm Upset With: Adoption, Friends, & Food.

Hello Readers. Some nights, Like tonight, I can't stop watching adoptee reunions. I can't stop listening to "I Wonder" by Gowe. I can't stop watching this Long Island Medium marathon because I just want answers so badly.

I can't speak Korean. I can't get my answers easily. I can barely cook Korean food right. It is all so unfair! And I am so angry all the time because of these things! I see a little Korean adoptees with their Caucasian adoptive parents and I just want to hug them. I see asian couples my age running around the city and I just want to cry. I see these Asians looking at me with sad eyes, and just sensing that I'm American and I die inside. These everyday things just kill me inside. And no one else gets it; No one else needs to deal with it.

I just want to go home. I just want my mother. I would do anything for answers.

I can't stop crying. I've been crying for hours. I am so exhausted. I'd call a friend, But then I'd have to explain how crazy messed up I am and freak them out. I hate being such a bummer. Plus none of my close friends that live near me seem to care about this stuff that much. None of them even read my blog. Which is fine, it's not like I have required reading to be my friend. I just wish they'd recognize how important and hard this is for me. I wish they'd recognize my blog and all of my readers; That this isn't just a random hobby that nobody reads.

Uhhh. As hard as I try to blog it out vs bumming my friends out, My friends' lack of caring and consideration really bums me out. I know it's not them trying to act like that, it's really just how American society socially is. In the states it's all about individualism vs community; No other country in the world is like that. Americans are a very unmindful people. Now I just feel bummed about my shittastic American friends.

This used to call for a giant bowl of ramyun and what ever else was in the pantry to fill the void and eat my feelings. Now days this calls for not eating. Basically to have the ability to control something in my life. But then I lost control and had a big bowl of ramyun anyways. Although I was completely starving, I feel guilty. Starving normally wins, because I have this sick obsession with wanting to see my collar bone as much as possible. But if it's not giving into one side of the eating disorder spectrum, it's the other. I am so over these food issues.

I am so upset with my life, my friends, and myself.

None of this fair.

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Sex & Dating Can Be Positive & Fun.

Hello Readers. My last couple blogs weren't the happiest. I feel much better now. I also would like a blog that shows the positives in my sexual experiences, and that sex can be fun, healthy, and safe. A lot has been going on in my personal life. Tons of dating, and just having a lot of fun with friends and art work. It's amazing how good it feelings, but I've been single for almost 2 years.

The truth is I love being single, and no I'm not just saying that because I'm a single girl who owns a cat. Going on all sorts of fun dates, and events, and not worrying if the other person hates it or hates being dressed up. Being as free as I want and belonging to no one, It's radtastically amazing! But I also wonder if I'm gripping to staying single so tightly because it's a sure fire way of keeping my adoptee heart safe.

Now I'm living my life in a way I never had before, no one has a piece of my heart. I'm totally free wheeling baby! I'm currently seeing a handful of dapper fellows who are all swingingly fantastic. It's all very casual and non-exclusive; Nothing too intimate emotionally or sexually. No worries, They're all also seeing other people too. Which is a damn good safety net if you ask me.

I'm also having "sexual relations" with one of my bros. We call it being "Bro Hos", Which [before you freak out ladies] is a phrase I coined and find hilarious! We have fun with the gang, then later we have alone fun, and straight up bro chill after words. It's kind of an awesome set up ha! We make each other laugh like we're retarded, fill physical needs, and are still remain good friends. And yes as all people should we practice safe sex!

Now I'm not saying sex before marriage or out of any relationship is ok, but I'm also not saying only not having sex for fear of going to hell is ok either. Relationships and sex are tricky. If you're faith says not to have sex before marriage [or not to masturbate ever] and you fully believe in that as your god's or gods' truth, than don't have sex and keep to you're faith. If you believe it's ok to have sex before marriage because you don't believe in religion or don't agree with parts of your religion, and are emotionally and physically ready for sex, go for it.

To me not having sex or having sex isn't going to make you cool or uncool. Doing something you're not comfortable with or don't believe in is uncool. Doing what you believe in and are comfortable is what's cool to me. If you ask me, Sticking to your personal beliefs is the reddest decision you can make.

Maybe I'm only "just dating" and only having "just sex" because I'm protecting myself. If it really is JUST dating and ONLY sex, than how can I be hurt or disappointed in the end? It's insane to think I even keep my heart a secret from my adoptive parents. Between that and my last relationship being crazy toxic as we grew into different people, no wonder I'm burying everything to to keep my freedom. But then there's the whole I have a birthmother, who I feel I need to live up to thing..

She gave me my life, and in turn I should be able to share that love and kindness to the world. Even it means I could get hurt. Admittedly I still don't trust my friends with my whole heart. But maybe if I let myself feel things I just might meet someone who is more than a fantastic date, More than just a bro, And more than only sex. Maybe I've already met him, or maybe I will soon.. Someone to make me think, "You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter. You are the best thing that’s ever been mine." T-Swift.

Hopefully I can just let my feelings roam.. And fallow them.. on Twitter & Instagram both @KangSunLee1991. I could always fallow this blog, or leave comments on this blog, or email them I'm pretty slick at plugs right? *winks*


Friday, 2 November 2012

For Those Who Are Alone In The World.

Hello Readers. Tonight I blast "One More Suicide" by Marcy's Playground while laying on my bedroom floor. My adoptive mom [who has NEVER read my blog, I just tell her about it] flipped out about my last blog, that if I didn't make it vague enough those involved could sue us. So I edited it and made it all vague. I told my therapist about my adoptive mom's reaction and we both agree that it's very disturbing she only cares about being sued and not what happened to me. Even more disturbing the only things she said really regarding me at all was "I can't believe you'd do that! Why would you do that!" Basically blaming me.

In the car leaving the Mall of America I called her out on this.

She totally missed the point of me feeling like she didn't care and said I was just twisting her words. She said she did care, but she just doesn't see how I could do that. Again blaming me as if I wanted to do those things, like I had some sort of choice in the matter. Then she tried to say that she did care and didn't blame me, but in no way did she sound genuine or concerned.

I then asked if my dad knew yet. She hasn't told my dad [who only hears about my blog through her since we never talk, and I can go a few days in the house with never seeing him] about it because "it's not that simple." This coming from the woman who thinks I as a 8-9 year old should have been able to tell her. I asked her what the fuck was the difference between me as a child trying to tell anyone what happened to me on the playground, and her as an adult trying to tell her adult spouse. She said there was a big difference. To which I responded to as yes there is a huge difference. Her as an adult has the tools to tell another adult.

I just burst out crying saying that I wish that they cared about me; I'd do anything for them to accept and support me. That I'm sick of begging them! That I'm sick wishing for them to just fucking care about me! That yes I am thankful they foot the bill for therapy, But money isn't love! Money doesn't talk or show concern! My adoptive mom said we talk about these things all the time; I corrected her saying that I talk and she refuses to listen or to try and understand. That even if they could never ever support, or care, or understand all this adoption stuff, that I thought on this one thing my mom as a woman would understand and care about. But she just doesn't.

So I'm just in my room crying uncontrollably with my cat Pumpkin. I'm just so done. I do not want to wake up tomorrow, and it sucks because I know that I will. I'll wake up and will have another day. I will shower, pull on pretty hipster clothes, curl my hair, put on luxury makeup, and go out with the guys pretending everything is just fine. When every time I go to the bathroom I'll be crying because all I want is for my parents to hug me and say that they really do love me for me.

I know that I'm a worth a lot and believe that every person is worth so much, more than they'll probably ever know.. But I just really really, truly, deeply wish I was worth something to my parents.

Even when all my friends desert me to hide and me alone, even if my sister never really speaks to me again, even if my parents never find worth in me.. I will still care about them, find value in their lives, and wish that they could do the same for me even though I know they never will. And I truly hate myself for that.

This little girl dressed all in pink, her hair pulled back into a pony tail, her sneakers squeaking.. This little sweet and innocent 7 year old me, who I've been protecting my whole life.. She's crying in the back of my head and keeps whispering, "Morgan why did you say something? Not talking about it protected us. You exposed us and it hurts Morgan.. Talking was a mistake.."

I haven't felt this low in months. Tonight it truly horrible. I'd end this with typing fuck ten times, but that doesn't seem to do this feeling justice. I feel horrible, but talking is always the right thing to do and I'm proud I did it.