Thursday, 28 June 2012

Uhm-ma, I miss you.

Hello Readers. Incase you didn't know uhm-ma in korean is mother. Lately I've been keeping my feelings of adoption in from my friends. I wish I could tell them more than the facts. I wish I could just let myself break down and cry in front of them so they would finally see how painful this is. It's like when my cousin passed away every little thing makes me suddenly emotional. Flipping channels and seeing a child hugged by their parents, seeing a teenager fight with her mom, and watching a woman pick out her wedding dress. All things I wish I could do with her, my birth mother. All things I will never get to do. All the miles stones she's missed, and will continue to miss makes me physically sick.. I am really that upset. That is how hard this is to deal with, and I feel like I'm dealing with it all by myself. I'm too strong and too weak at the same time.

I keep wondering if I will cry when I find "the dress" for my wedding because she's not there to approve it as my mother. Maybe I'll just be crying on and off the whole the time because she's just not there with me. I can picture she jumping up and getting the sale clerks to grab dresses she likes, and us griping each other about our tastes and also loving things we pick out and surprise ourselves. When I know its the one and turn to my uhm-ma to see her tear up because she loves to too. To have her holding my hand telling me I look beautiful, that I look like a Korean bride.. It's not fair that I will never have that. It breaks my heart. I don't know if I could ever get married knowing she won't be there for any part of it.

Last week I was in a fog, like someone close to me had just died.. I'm grieving something new. I'm grieving the loss of a father, something I never really thought I'd ever have. But there is a difference between thinking you're not going to get something, and being told you will never have it. There is an 80% chance my birth father is a rapist. That he wrecked my mother's life by taking her innocents or at least her modesty. He forced a child into her.

Since even second grade I imagined having a conversation on my father with my mother. A talk mature beyond my years.. Telling her I understand and respect if she didn't want to tell me anything about my father. That I will not be angry if she never wants me to meet him or know anything about him. Even though it's our story to share, it was her stop first. I've been practicing this since I was a child, and it feels like it was all for nothing. I've been prepping my whole life to show her how much I love her, how much I need her, and how much I deeply respect her. But now.. I couldn't start counting the hours I've said this to her in my head over the year.

As much as she could hate me for what I am to her. I love her so much, and I miss her. I'm afraid by continuing this search, if someone is located.. I could be wrecking her life. Like I should be someone considered dead, and should have stayed dead. I do feel like someone who is dead, having no family, and being so isolated feels like death. My whole life has been about going home to her and being brought back to life.

No one understands this, or even acts like they care. Out of all my friends only one person has seemed to care at all. All she could do was give me the tightest hug of my life. I need another hug guys.. So if people don't understand than I just want to run away and feel what I'm feeling. I've been hiking like crazy lately. Just trying to escape. I need to escape. I need to get away.


Saturday, 16 June 2012

I Am A Rape Baby.

Hello Readers. I haven't posted recently because I didn't know how to say what's been going on. I couldn't put it into understandable sentences, like it was an impressively massive rock I could chisel away at like I normally do. Ironically my carpel tunnel hasn't been bothering me at all in my numerous attempts to write this blog.

Normally I compose a blog and then talk to my friends about it. Partly because I know what I want to say, but mostly because I'd rather them hear it from me than my blog. This time was different. I had tried to talk about it with one of my oldest friends, but he really didn't seem to care. That really hurt. So I kept my trap shut. After a few weeks I finally told one my best friends who also didn't seem to care, and another close friend the night before and all she could do is hug me tight. I felt so helpless that I was telling them these excruciatingly personal things and they had nothing to say. It made me feel so worthless to them. I know they didn't have much of a reaction because they didn't know what to say, but it still hurts that they said nothing and played it off like it was no big deal.

So now it's been almost a month of getting this news, And I am going to try really hard to explain this. I won't be going home this summer. All the tours are full because most aren't taking as many as they were in past years. The adoption agencies are merging and being bought out. In fact mine CHS just announced being bought out last week. All the adoptee organizations have lost funding, many are preparing to close, running more on volunteers, and loosing resources. Many are only taking emergencies cases, while none of them are sure what that really means. Basically I have to wait a year to go home, it's terrifying to spend another solid year in the states. I really needed to go home this year.

At my meeting a month ago we talked more about the rape story my mother gave the hospital the day I was born. That she was staying at a friends and two male burglars broke in and my mother was raped. I was told months ago that 8/9 times such claims are false. Now I'm being told that there is a very strong and real possibility that it's true. 80% chance to be exact. So I'll just go ahead and say it for you..

I am a rape a baby.

It took me weeks to say that in my head, and then out loud to myself. Now I can't stop.