Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Best Friends: The Jew, The Asian, & The Tall Guy.

Hello Readers. Did you know that my three best friends are no longer in my life? Do you have any idea how much that sucks to have on top of all this adoptee stuff? And just to turn the knife in me 90 degrees, my dating life is amazing, my art life is fantastic, and I have absolutely no one to share it with.

For those of you who don't know my ex was my best friend for the past 5 years. Now we don't talk at all, that kid is so far off my radar it only beeps if someone asks about him. But he hasn't changed at all, So it's really good to move on. My other best friend was my closest and dearest Asian friend. A lot of crazy things are going on with him and his family. Things I don't agree with. He can't handle me loving him and thinking he is a good person regardless of what's going on. He told me our friendship was on "a break", because he doesn't think a friend could say the things I've said about what's going on and still love him and think he can be a good person.

What really truly deeply sucks though is officially not having my very best friend in my life. We met almost a year ago and friendom was instant. We hung out almost every weekend, had sleep overs, watched movies, checked out art, and always laughed until we cried. He's also one super tall mother fucker ha!

I actually wrote a blog about him when we had first met. The what ifs of our potential relationship, and how those thoughts alone stressed me out. Who'd have guessed I'd meet one the coolest people I know, and we'd become so close so quickly. Like my Asian friend he's decided he'd rather be alone. He says that it's not nessisarly me, but he thinks he should be alone in general.

Most of my best friends through out my life have run away because they think they should be alone than be with people. They think they're protecting me from them hurting me, but really they're just deserting me. And if they really didn't care about anything and hated everyone, Then they would feel the need to protect me? Instead of facing their issues with me being able to hold their hand, they let go of my arm, and hide back into their holes. I miss their faces.. I miss seeing them in the light.

I wish they'd get sick of be alone and being afraid. I know I'm sick of being alone and being afraid. So I speak out on adoption and I will never shut up. Things in my personal life are unfolding beautifully, and I wish my best friends were here to share it with. I really miss my very best friend. He'll probably never know how much I love that kid, and how much he means to me. Regardless of our complex friendship this past year, I know I'll never meet another bestie that made me as happy as he did. No one ever has made me laugh as hard as that tall weirdo.

As happy as I am about finally pushing my life foreword and getting a grip on things.. Few things shatter my smile more than not having a best friend to gush too. I bet he thinks I'm not upset over this, but I'm incredibly upset. I bet he thinks I'll get over this like it's nothing, but our friendship to me was a big thing. I will not just get over not having him in my life. He has no idea how much I've been missing him, and how much I'm always going to miss him.

So now I just don't talk to anyone about anything. There's no one close enough to me that I can't just call them up in the middle of the week and gush everything to them. The only "people" I gush to about my life is my therapist and this blog. Everyone else just gets snips and segments. It sucks being cut up into so many pieces. It sucks not having someone I can just tell everything too.

I miss my tall best friend. And the only "people" I have to gush to about it is my therapist, and this blog. Nothing matters more than friendship. "Lose one friend, Lose another friend, Lose yourself."

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Overcoming Toxic Relationships.

Hello Readers. The past few weeks I've only seen my friends make bad choices. I make bad choices. We've all been in toxic relationships weather it was someone we dated, a friend, or a family member. Lately I've been thinking about my friends' toxic relationships and pushing myself to evaluated my own.

One of my best friends just moved back home from New York. She went there for school, and only has a year left, but decided she just couldn't do it on her own anymore. Like me she grew up getting everything handed to her, but unlike me she broke free. She finally got a got a job at 18, got into good colleges, and left the nest. After paying for her apartment, books, food, everything but her tuition alone for 3 years she decided she couldn't do anymore.

She had a huge breakdown from constantly being alone with out some sort of family. She only sees them when her mother visits her a few times a year. Her dad only sees her for a short dinner if her mother makes him. which is really hard on her since he's in New York all the time for business. She couldn't take not having family anymore.. So she came home.

She's back in the area, she parents took her back, set up a bank account, and now she's under their financial thumb again. But I'm just in awe of her, she did everything I wish I had done years ago. Everything I'm trying to do now, getting out from under my parents. She went out and really lived with a huge amount of independents that I have never known. And just like that she packed up, came home, and turned back into a meek girl.

Lets be honest I live with my parents, I've been handed every thing in life, and I've never really had to work for anything. I grew up going to the best public schools, wearing expensive clothes, and never met any consequences. My whole life I've been living under my parents financial thumb. My sister is 25, married, out of the house with her husband, and she's still under their financial thumb. Basically my parents make up for not really being close to us by giving us money. When there's an extra crazy bad fight in the house my mom solves it by taking me to the mall. My whole family is in a toxic relationship with each other.

But how I was raised isn't an excuse anymore, it's an explanation of how I thought life worked for years. I never understood how people would just move away from home, or buy huge things like cars, rent, and houses on their own. Even when I lived in St.Paul my parents payed for everything. I didn't have a job. In fact I didn't have a job until last summer. I ended up quitting after a few months because I was being racially sexually harassed by a 53 year old man in front of everyone all the time. I never reported it to HR because it happend in front of department managers everyday and in front of one of the HR ladies on several occasions.

I technically I still don't drive either, but I'm working on that. I'm also working on a job search and am hopefully going back to school in spring. I want to work at Ikea or the high end area of a department store. I'm looking for open and creative environments because that's the kind of professional work space I'd thrive in.

I will get out of this house and into a place where I'm happy. This is just one more way to overcome my adoption issues. I've never felt such a push to get away before. Partly because I've always been afraid if I ever really left here, I'd never see my family every again. But now I think I can trust my mom in one way for once, that's she'll never let me ago. That's really unhealthy and messed up, but with enough distance that just might be ok. I don't think I'll ever really be done with this family. I still have hope we could be a family one day. I'm excited to finally get a grip on the financial direction of my life. So here's to gaining real independence!

An old friend from art school has been in same boat as me with a similar break up story. He got back into dating again way before I did, but was doing really swell with being single. A couple months ago he started hanging around his ex again. Now it seems like every week Facebook blows up about them being in a relationship and then being single.

I love his boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/boyfriend, but damn that's so unhealthy for them. (Oh yeah, My friend is gay. I'm pro gay! If you're not, Please reconsider your negative thoughts on your fellow human beings.) They aren't bad guys, but neither of them has changed so it's still not working. Also they're both still on and on it everyday. (Yup, I just outed my online dating existence. No shame, Everyone and their mom is on it.) That can't be helping their relationship/break ups either, It also shows what little faith they have in it actually working. Or maybe it shows secretive causation?

After going through so much with an ex to try and be friends, and then just staying away from each other.. It actually seems very nutty to throw all that hard work of being single away. If I'd ever felt depressed over being single. I've never ran back to somebody just because they had known me forever, had known my body, and knew everything about me. It surprises how much I don't think about my last ex. It surprises me how much better I'm doing and feeling about myself getting out on my own. When I ask myself if there's anything left, if I'd ever give it another go. Honestly I wouldn't, No way.

My last boyfriend and I started dating the week before our senior year of high school. We didn't know realize it then, but after a year we had a serious lack of communication. This resulted in the same fight over, and over, and over again. How he literally ignored me constantly reading articles and playing on his laptop, He'd ask me a question and have do idea I answered him. It was like I was being ignored every minute of every day for years. We just turned into two very different people.

I broke up with him, partly to get away, and partly to see if he'd actually miss me. He did, but nothing changed. Things just got worse, much much worse. That went on for over year. It was an extremely toxic relationship for the both of us. I haven't really talked to him the past month, and I don't ever noticed him not being here anymore. I'm proud that I'm never going back to him. [Insert Taylor Swift's new single here]

Currently I'm out dating, and meeting new people,and it is absolutely wonderful. It's everything I never got a chance to do in high school I was always in a relationship or interested in one particular person. I never actually just dated until now. I know it's cliche, but I love being single! It started out rocky and awkward liking someone new, but now? Total rad hipster cake!

The past 4 months of really putting myself out there have really been fantastic. I'm uber proud of myself for shaking off shy adopted Morgan. She's dead weight for sure. I kind of wish I could have a chance to go back and remeet the first few guys I went out with when she was still clinging to me. Not for a chance at them, But a chance to show myself what I'm capable of when I find a way to overcome my adoption issues.

Dealing with my toxic relationships has been the best thing I could ever do for myself. I've had a ton of personal growth over the past 6 months. Every thing I write is to tell adoptees to speak up and let it out. Well this blog, Is to tell you you can come over your adoptee issues. You can grow despite of your adoption. Be free my friends ^_-

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

I Am Fat: Eating Disorders 101

Hello Readers. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. (*Yes that was an Oprah Winfrey reference!) I am overweight, in fact I'm quite fat. I've always been the fat girl, and grew up to be a plus size lady. For the most part when it comes to my looks I've always thought I was beautiful. I'll admit I've always felt weird around other koreans who are my height, But so so much thinner than myself. Regardless of jerks who made fun of my weight growing up, there has always been a long string of people who tell I'm a very pretty girl. Few days go by when I'm not genuinely called pretty, sexy, and gorgeous.

Now I did play soccer hardcore most of my childhood and adolescent years, and I also did musicals. I also went hiking multiple times a week when I was a goth kid. So I indeed was moving around quite bit, but I was always still fat then too. I ate a lot. I hate all my feelings instead of stating them, and that became my thing and how I coped alone in my room. Just like how a lot of skinny girls (and guys, because yes men can have eating disorders too) sat alone in their rooms coping by not eating.

I'm happy to be a pretty girl, but it's not me being overweight that makes me pretty. Just like how a girl who is underweight's lack of healthy fat doesn't make her pretty. People at either extreme of what's considered a healthy weight range for them aren't doing it on purpose. I didn't wake up as a kid and think "I bet I'd look friggin hot as a fatty!" Just like how no girl that's underweight woke up one day and proclaimed "Not eating is hot! Bingeing and throwing up will make me sexy!" Just like how gays can't choose to be gay, we didn't choose to wreck our bodies. Unlike gays being born gay as healthy people, We are mentally unhealthy and have eating disorders. Mentally we are sick and that drives our unhealthily feeding habits.

(*For those of you keep score, I did just say gays don't choose to be gay they're born gay. I also said being gay is not a mental disorder and it's healthy. Being yourself is healthy. I'm pro gay rights and pro gay marriage, Or as it should be called human rights and human marriage.")

If you ask an anorexic or bulimic how they feel, they'll tell you they feel like nothing. That they feel worthless and just want to disappear since no one notices them. Now ask me how I feel as a girl who can't stop eating. I'll tell you that I feel worthless too. That no one can see me, and I'd do anything for someone to notice me. We both control our diets because we feel worthless. But she wants to be thin and disappear, and I want to be solid and to be heard. I know it's crazy how with psychology we can see how our feelings manifest into literal actions.

I hate it when I hear fat girls use the phrase "skinny bitches". It makes me want to say hey those "bitches" have an eating disorder just like how you do when you eat your feelings instead of stating them. Pointing out someone who is fat or making jokes about someone who is too skinny isn't cool. It's cruel and it's mean. It's a real jerk move to make fun of someone's body. No one wants to be fat or obese and no one wants to be a dizzy skeleton. Eating disorders are real, Be accepting and understanding of all types of people.

Now I will admit I have always wanted to be one of those "skinny bitches", but honestly it has very little to do with my body's health. It has everything to do with my mental health and being Korean. It really sucks not being able to order one size clothing from Korea. It sucks to have other Asians see my large body and see their faces go from normal to "holy shit!" It hurts to literally not physically fit in with my own people.

I make excuses all the time as to why I'm the only fat Asian girl. I say things like it's how the American diet has effected my eastern body, Or that my weight just fluxes all the time no worries. But if you knew me at all you'd notice I hardly eat around people and you'd wonder when the hell do I eat. If you had class with me last semester you'd have heard my stomach begging for food all hour. If you messaged me on my breaks you'd have heard the menu of what actually sat untouched in my lunchbox most days.

If you knew me really well you'd know I've lost inches since December because I'm so stressed I forget to eat all day, and when I realize it at night I give up and go to bed. If you knew me really well you'd know that when I go work out and run off my stress I push myself till I basically black out and my friend Drew has to help me to his car and into bed.

If you were my very best friend, You wouldn't know that I've been scared all year because these habits are getting worse. If you were my best friend you wouldn't know I'm afraid I'm crossing over to the other side of the eating disorder spectrum. Just like from being gothic and welcoming guys with Asian fetishes, To wearing only chic labels and being freaked out by Asian fetishes.. I'm going from one extreme to the other.

If you were my closest friend.. You wouldn't know I've started to count everything I eat. I just want to disappear now too.

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

It's Been A Year.

Hello Readers. It's been one year since I started this blog! Can you believe it? I started this journey with you a year ago and we're no where near done yet, but we've accomplished so much. I started my search and received two big pieces of heartbreaking news, and survived it. My search has been closed and I've opened the chapter of bringing it to the media.

This year has brought so many ups and downs, but it's been amazing. I am so glad I've been able to share it all with you. I've had a million new fights with my adoptive family. My dad hates all of this because it hurts him as a parent to not be enough for me. My sister and I haven't talked most of the year and dislike each other for being ourselves. My mom and I haven't gotten closer, but we talk about so much more now. More than I ever thought we could, Although we fight just as much.

The circle of people I surround myself with from the beginning of this has changed as well. I've lost friends, I've made new ones, I've been on a lot of dates, and have met a lot of wonderful people. I've been seeing old friends more often, and making a lot of fantastic connections in the Asian-American and adoptee communities. I've also been making a lot more nerdy, geeky, and underground connections. The kind I had when I was younger. I really missed that world.

My whole daily life has changed as well. I run a lot more, hike every week, and work on climbing and camping. I've been kicking ass in soccer, and plan to keep going till I'm back on the same level I was when I quit as a teen. I've been doing the most intimate sketching and work of my life. I hope to start them all into large pieces soon for a personal collection. I'm looking for places to host them when they're done in a few months. I cook Korean food half of the week as well. It's crazy to think a week with out good kimchi isn't normal for me now.

A lot of things have happend this past year. Most of it wouldn't have happend without your support, and none of this would mean as much without your support. Thank you all so so much for being with me all year. It's been crazy, heartbreaking, and full of incredible growth. Your emails mean the world to me. Hearing your thoughts, receiving your support, and being able to help you is such an honor. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Monday, 10 September 2012

World Suicide Awareness Day.

Hello Readers. Today is World Suicide Awareness Day. Everyone's life has been touched by depression and suicide. Weather a friend or family member has been lost to their own hands or we know someone with depression all of our lives have been touched by this. So touched in fact I think it's safe to say we've all had these thoughts of "What if I killed myself", "No one cares about me", or "I wish I was dead". It's deeply saddening and very humbling that this really is relatable for all of us,That going through some sort of depression is human.

I've shared before that I've had sever depression since I was a child. Even as a 3 year old I knew I wasn't happy like everyone else. It wasn't until 4th grade that I learned what depression and suicide was and realized that's what I had. Now I am getting help and have been going to therapy for a couple of years. I'm still depressed and sometimes suicidal thoughts spike up in my mind, but getting help does help and it does work. I promise you will not regret it. It might take a few times to find the right therapist or counselor for you, but when you do it is so worth the effort in sharing your thoughts and feelings.

I still feel hopeless, and some days I can barely get out of bed. Other days I wake up and feel perfect like a burst of fresh air and sunshine. But most days I wake up and it's hard to get ready for the day, and to keep my focus. Sometimes I look outside and the sky is this perfect smooth grey cloud, it's bright and flawless, and I think "Today is the day. Today feels right." But then I still wake up the next morning.

It seems crazy to have these constant dark thoughts, and even nuttier to not just do it when it hurts so badly.. But when I think about all the teens and adoptees I help everyday I just can't. I can't leave them behind, I can't let them sink back into themselves and not get help. They need to be heard, You deserve to be heard. And I will always always be hear to tell you that and encourage you to speak up. It's a burden to live with my thoughts everyday, but I can't even imagine how disappointed with myself I'd be if I ever left leave all the people I do help and could help behind.

I've lost so many close friends to their own hands and I miss them dearly. Wonderfully loving and talented people. Artists, singers, writers, musicians, athletes, actors, and all sorts of other amazing gifts have been lost because they couldn't bare living anymore. I refuse to let their deaths be silenced because their lives do matter. Maybe they didn't believe that at the time, But I do!

If you suspect of or know a friend is in a dark place, Please please reach out to them or tell an adult. It's better to have them mad at you for spilling, than live without them knowing you could have gotten them help. If you're still with us, if you're still holding on please know that you are important and that you do matter. If you yourself is in a dark place please tell someone, please share with someone. It helps so much to talk about it. Make a secret blog or tumbler

Maybe you're a close friend of mine or maybe we're total strangers, but I can say with complete confidence that I love you. You are my fellow human being, and I respect and value your life no matter what you've done in your life. Love is love is love.

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Life, Dating, & Exhaustion.

Hello Readers. Last night I was up really late again, and by "up really late" I mean I'm still up at 9:18. Made a baked egg over arugula and brown rice around 5am, went for a long run, and showered. This has been my life lately. No sleep at all, but I'm getting a lot of work done, a lot of hiking in, and doing a swell job of not kicking ass at soccer. What can I say to my teammates? I used to kick ass as a kid? Sorry I'm not as good now days? Honestly I've just been in a fog.

I've been going out when friends call and say they're taking me out to make me feel better. I've been going on dates and just meeting a lot of new people. I've been spending a lot of time hiking/climbing with my beefed up jock psychology friends. I've been finishing most of my small commission works early. I've been working on my personal art. I've been spending as much time on the field as I can getting my cleats in the groove. I'm completely exhausted. What little time I actually have is when I should be sleeping, But instead I use it to ball my eyes out over this search.

The dating scene is really weird by the way. I keep meeting guys who are vegetarians and vegans. I'm a meat eater, so it's a bit of an awkward dance. But now I make crazy fantastic meatless and vegan dishes. It's weird being one the few hipsters who eat meat and doesn't snob out when something isn't gluten free. I also don't drink a lot of beer. One of the guys I'm seeing asked if I would make and english beer list for his themed party. When I starting laughing and asked why he said I was the most hipster out of his friends. I googled that shit, Ha! Of course I owned up to googling and knowing nothing about beer, and only drinking light fruity micro brews, Ha!

My friends always tell me I'm such a fantastic cook, such a good writer, so creative, so fun, the best kind of weird, incredibly smart, so cute, and so sexually talented. My closest friends especially say all the time I'm going to be the perfect wife for a luck guy one day. It makes me feel like friggin Ted Mosby. Expect Ted is dying to settle down, while I don't want that. I'm actually Robbin, but then my friends treat me like Ted? Robbin just wants to be able to fall for that one wonderful guy, and have her dad be proud of her. It's the six little words she craves, "I am proud of you, Ey." Despite being an artist in baggage claim, Being adorable and smart makes me easy to fall for. But as far as dating goes, Right now I'd rather be Ted Mosby "The Architect" ;D

Dating is also weird because I'm an artist and there for weird. Almost every person I meet is fairly recently out of a major relationship. Everyone who is an artist or writer is like "In my last relationship I was almost engaged", And I'm like me too! So what come first: Baggage needing a creative outlet, or creative expression birthing the baggage?

When I'm done editing this and have edited/posted the blog before this, I'll finally head to bed. Only to get up at 3, shower, and head out to the state fair all night. If you're going to be around there say hi, I'll sign the device you read this from! Just kidding, But it's totally a dream for a stranger come up and say they've read these words. Although I have met some people, who were later we're admitted they knew me through my blog before they met me. By some people I mean like 2, but it was still pretty cool lol.

Goodnight world, See you pricks in a bit! Calling people pricks by the way is my new favorite thing. It's right along up there with calling people prudes. Go try them both! You'll be delighted, Ha!

Nothing Is Fair & Valentine's Day.

*Oh gosh here's some more context! I wrote the following last night, it was a shit tactic night.

*Spoiler Alert! Valentine's Day, The movie. Don't keep reading if out don't want a part of the ending wrecked!*

Hell Readers. I'm flipping channels and ran into the film Valentine's Day. And I'm balling right because in the film there's this mom, and she is in the army flying home for just one night to see her son. She's traveling such a distance and for so long just for one night to spend with him. And I feel like I've been traveling my fucking whole life just to find out if my mother is alive, let a lone a night with her!

And last week some asshole just told me at my gate that my big flight is having a huge delay! In fact the flight is fucking canceled! And my only option is to drive there! How is this fair! How is this fair! All of these fucking bastards around me tell me I'm strong enough to get through this, that it's in my life cards, or that it's all in God's plan! Well I don't even believe in any God or connected universe, But what kind of fucking asshole does this to a person!

Who the hell would let me be taken from my mother, my home, and force me to be something I'm not! I'm not white! I will never be white! Who would make my trip back to her even harder by making me hit all these dead ends!! Why! Who fucking does that! I am so angry, and pissed, and hurt! I'm screaming and nobody is listening!

I know all of my friends read this and no one ever says anything that seems genuine. Everyone says they're sorry, or it made them feel sad for me, But no one ever says that they care. No one ever just says that they care and that's all I want. I honestly just need a hug, that's the one thing anyone could to do make any of this better.

Honestly the most random friend could just show up and give me a hug, and I'd totally start crying. And I know crying freaks people out because there's a huge lack of intimacy in the states, but it's not like I'm an emotional girl crying about my bad hair cut. I'm overly emotional because it feels like my mother has been dead my whole life.

*Here's more spoiling*

And the worst part is there's no one here for me during all of this. There's no super awesome guy who see's I'm in a jam to get home on time, and tells me to take his car and driver so that I can be there. And I just wish there was a way to make this easier. I'd do anything to be home on time.

I just need to go home and I have no way of getting there.