Friday, 21 July 2017

One Month Ago.

Hello Readers. There has always been a hole inside of me, where I grieve my mother. Now I have 2 holes. Ducky left me. 

A month ago I thought we were going to talk through our fight. I thought we were going to be fine. I thought everything was ok, but I was terribly wrong. He sat down next to me, told me he couldn't handle this, and asked if I'd hate him if he left. I told him how much I believe in us, how much better we are with support, and that we're partners. But that wasn't enough for him, he wants to figure himself out alone.

I understand he believes he needs to work on himself without me. I see now that he only felt first and young love for me, while my love for him was deep and the real deal. My love for him is what novels are written about and movies dazzle us with. He was it for me. But I guess I was the first notch on his bed post, while I thought he was my last.

I feel so hollow. It's the same empty cavity in my stomach where all the loss, hopelessness, and aloneness I feel over not having my mother. I've never felt that way about another person before.. someone choosing to be apart from me because they belive it's doing the right thing for us.

How do you spend your whole life searching for the love you were born with, knowing you will never find it. Few things are as painful as the loss of a mother you will never find. It is absolutely insane to suddenly stumble across real love only for them to want to be lost and never found again. My heart aches, my stomach is empty, and I am hollow tear-soaked woman who will never open her heart again. What a ridiculous mistake to think I could have something like that! I refuse to feel this away again. I refuse to love another person in this life. I promise to be cold as stone again, but this time I will not share my body. I will not share my feelings, I will not share my heart or future ever again. Just let my heart die; let my soul starve.

I know I'm being dramatic. I know I'll stumble into love again. I know now I should be with an artist. Someone more outgoing, in touch with their emotions, and who wants to dance with me. But I just need to be a heart broken woman for now, wrecked on tears, and mourn the happy ending I thought I had right in front of me. I just need to be angry, because the best person in the world who supported getting my DNA tested bailed on me before I got my results.

I literally shared everything in my world with him. He has my heart and knows every detail in my hugs.. And he left me.