Friday, 23 August 2013

Love vs Lust.

Hello Readers. It's my personal dating life in quite the bright spot light. You all ask me about adoptee issues, and something many of you ask is if it's possible for adoptees with crap families to really know how to love. Well I am here to tell you I can love and do love someone, but love doesn't always work out. (Got a question, comment, or something you'd like to share with another adoptee? You can contact me at KangSunLee1991 via and Twitter.)

Last night and this morning with Double D felt pretty perfect. Things were so lovely when we got back to my place this afternoon, that I went on Facebook to finally accept his relationship request. But he stopped me. I asked him what he wanted and what he thought his options were. He said he didn't know. I told him if things weren't going somewhere, then we need to stop before we permanently mess up our friendship. He told me he didn't think he could care about someone like that right now. That once he got this last piece in line for himself, he could pick any girl and make her his. Ouch. And WTF kid.

It sucks when things don't work out. But it really hurts when you're told you're not enough to be more special than every other slut. More poetically.. Sometimes when you're released you want to run into the streets and yell, "I'm free!" Other times you're put back into the small pond they found you in, so they can catch all the fish in the ocean.

What if he does end up with every other slut and it makes him happier then I ever could. What if all the sluts don't make him happy, but it's one slut too many too late.

I remember the first night we met at CONvergence 2012. It was my first con and I was having a terrible time. He walked up to me drunk and started babbling, while I was trying to get away to find my date. The con ended up really sucking, but Double D kept coming up and talking to me. I ended up giving him my number, then came the months of him calling and texting trying to get me to come out for coffee with him. He became one of my best friends and who I've met all of my best friends through. We never made it to coffee, but we did make it to falling for each other. Which somehow landed us here, not together.

One of my exes and still good friend told me you should be with the one you want. I'd like to expand on that. You should be with one you want, not what you want. If one person is special, if they really are your unicorn.. Than you don't need the other whats; you only need your unicorn.

But another friend has pointed out most unicorns are really dumb horses, with a paper towel roll taped to their forehead.

But to answer your questions if super messed up adoptees can love.. Adoptees can find real unicorns. We can fall and even be ready to share that love. And if you don't know what a unicorn is Wong Fu Productions defines them as someone so special you didn't think they could exist.

Go prove the world that you exist.


Monday, 19 August 2013

My Adoptee Story.

Hello Readers. One of my last days in Korea I met with my Korean social worker.. The lovely woman who has been doing all the searching for me, who says she feels my pain across the world. She told me pieces of my adoption story that I had never heard before.. She found a way to heal my heart without me meeting my family..

Let me tell you the story of my family: My mother had been living in Seoul sharing an apartment with a friend. 2 male burglars broke in, things were stolen, and she was raped. From this terrible act I was conceived as her first child and first daughter. 3 months later she left Seoul and came home to mourn the loss of her father who died of stomach cancer. But she skated by and no one found out she was pregnant. That year the Lunar New Year (Korean Christmas) landed on Feb 15th. She again left Seoul to come home for the holidays as did her brothers and sisters. Her mother recognized her daughter was very pregnant. She was present at the doctor appointments and adoption counseling. I was born and placed in adoption on Feb 24th. My mother wasn't alone during everything, my grandmother was there when I was born. My grandmother knows I exist. She knew me! My family knows I exist!

From this I finally know that my family knows I exist, and that my birthmother really did love me. She loved me so much that she kept me alive. She loved me so much that she risked herself by taking me home to my grandmother. My grandmother loved supported her through the loss of her child, and I didn't completely wreck her life.

When I read this all to Double D, he asked me how this changed anything. That I didn't have control over what happened to her. What's done is done and my life is still the same. I told him that it makes me happy to know her family supported her. This tells me how much she loves me and that I'm not a faceless rape a baby to her.. Maybe she didn't kill herself when I was a child because she had support from our family. When she gave me all of her love till her heart was empty, they filled her with theirs. I've spent the majority of my life blindingly believing I was her everything, and then last 2 years heartbroken that I could mean nothing to her.. that she could hate me. But now all I know is her love. He got quiet, held me hand, and we just cuddled up closer. No one else has ever understood my adoptee stuff like that. Wow.

I will always be searching for her, but if I never find her.. At least now I can die knowing how much she truly loved me. I can die knowing I'm not the only person that knows I existed in her life. And that makes me so unbelievably happy for the both of us. I've been questioning if I could ever bring myself to get married, and now.. I know that's something I want and something I can do. Her blessing is how much she loves me; I can finally live my life now.

I'm grabbing my education by the horns and will have my BA at 25. I have plans to go back to Korea in a year, and hopefully live there for a year or two after my BA. I received my drivers license on Monday, first try! I've been car shopping and picked up a 2012 Kia Rio. I've admitted my feelings and offered my heart to the very special Double D. Weather that works out or not I'll be ok, but the really big deal is its not the only thing making me happy. Us being in love is only adding to my happiness.

I accomplished my childhood dream of going home, and I fell in love with Korea. I'm happy with what I know of my birth mother. With her love veiling me, I am ready for life to begin.


Thursday, 15 August 2013

Back On The Midwest Coast.

Hello Readers. It's been 2 months since a real blog got on here. I'm sorry I didn't write while in the motherland. The two main factors were how hard the trip was and posting about the group I had to be there with wouldn't have been smart. I did write some notes as we made our way, but those will come later. In fact I'm not going to be talking much about the trip in this blog; we'll have to rip that band-aid off later.

*I will tell you every moment was magical, horrible, wonderful, traumatic, and the best hardest experience of my life. Considering how socially horrific things got, I survived it and accomplished my childhood dreams. I can't wait to go back home, I love Korea.

I landed stateside on the 1st. Week 2 here has been hard. There's these moments when there's no distractions, the fog of dense American boredom clears.. And then I'm just really sad. It's a kind of sadness I've never felt before.. Life doesn't feel right here. Of course it's familiar and I know it well, but I hate it so much and it's all so boring. I want home. I hate America in a whole new way.. It's not everything that's happened to me here, it's not the poor dynamics of my adoptive family.. It's everything that American is not. It's not Korea. Going home and loving it did further push me away from anything and everyone that I had in America.. Not that I fit in before, but how the fuck am I expected to fit in now? How do I function here?

The new plan is after finishing my BA I'll teach in Korea for a year or two, I'll take classes for my Masters online. I'll come back and take the last couple courses in person. Then I'll see where life back in the states takes me, hopefully a family. I'm also looking around for other jobs. I love working with glasses and the team is great, but I need a change. It's hard enough going back to friends feeling so differently about myself. I want a new job, a new team, and new experiences as this wonderfully ready for it person I've become.

Want to hear more crazy news? When I landed Thursday the 1st I ended up spending the weekend with Double D. Saturday afternoon we were still laying in bed and the subject of love came up "totally organically" of course. Honestly I was feeling really proud of how I handled Korea, feeling happy with my life, and so happy with him.. I woke up and felt ready for this to happen. He's never been in love before, but laying there he said he was sort of in love with a girl *blushing*. After a ridiculously awkward part of the story I won't be sharing the embarrassing details of.. I told him I was sort of in love with him too. Naturally I've only heard from him one time since. We're all planning on spending Sunday at Pudding Pop's cabin. Not sure if Double D is coming; I would really like for him to come up with us. It should be a perfect Sunday for our group.

Alright you're going to want to buckle yo for this one.. Buckle up in my car!! On Monday I took my drivers test for the first time and passed! This kid is growing up so fast ha! I actually don't have a car yet. We've been looking on and off this last year. Now we're looking for the right car to pull the trigger on. Of course I'm getting a Kia to represent the motherland. I've been looking for 2010-2013 Kia Rios, so new and barely used cars. Shit is exciting!

I got to meet with my therapist on Tuesday! (Yeah I met with the-rapist) As I've said before she is a remarkable gal and very dear to me as a person. I did talk to her about the happenings in Korea and that felt ok. I was telling her how different I felt, like a new and better person. She said there's 3 things that fundamentally change someone. Education, travel, and work and I have all 3 ha. And I am so happy about all of it!!

The rest of my time has been spent catching up with friends, going out, and sleeping. Basically I'm trying to catch up on American life, trying to adjust, and remember how things are here. It's really hard to accept how things are here.. But with the support of some adoptees I met while in the motherland, I'm not doing it 100% alone.

I've also been on the hunt for some new faces to surround myself with. So far I've met some pretty cool people. I'm hoping for the young adult I've become to meet to people, and share new experiences with them. I'm very excited to explore this.