Wednesday, 26 October 2011

How Do You Cope?

Hello Readers. I have been going through each shelf in my mind trying to figure out new ways to cope. It’s so hard dealing with the generally unnoticed and hard to understand pain of adoption. The reason why I’ve been racking my brain so hard is because the past couple of days have kind of sucked. My cat Panther died.. Now I’m not going to tell you about what a perfect pet he was, Or how smart cats are vs dogs, Or something so cliché. He was an angry cat, And hated almost everyone he met except for me. Maybe animals can just sense if you’re an angry person too? He was a pretty weird cat actually. He’d stalk my friends around the house, Come when called, And every time I cried he’d find his way to me. He was the only living thing in this house that knew how much pain I had growing up.

The reason I brought this up is because I wonder if other adoptees felt this way about a pet, or had one special friend that knew about the confusion, questions, and sadness that can come with being an adoptee. How do you cope knowing about your own pain, And knowing others dind’t notice? Or maybe you’re lucky enough to have someone in your life who did notice? Of course my cat had no idea why I was sad, But unlike the other people in my house and friends he recognized the pain. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation about chemicals in our brains interacting, But no matter how you look at it it’s still nice to have something to help you cope.

Whenever I think back to my childhood I am so sadden by it. I can’t think of any good memories growing up. The few I do remember, The ones when I got a glimpse of how a family is supposed to be seem fake. There wasn’t any love or connection it just seems like some big joke the universe thought would be interesting to watch play out. Panther was just a cat, Like every other cat, But what made him special to me was giving me the feeling that someone else knew how much I hurt. It’s one of the only real happy things I can take from my childhood. Now he’s just gone.

In a lot of ways he was kind of like a dog. He was always at the door whenever I got home, No matter what time of day or night. Sometimes he’d try and run out, But then he’d just walk me down into my room. Half the time I’d come home and nobody, But him even knew I was gone all day. Every time I walk into the door, I lower my purse in to make sure he doesn’t get into the garage, But when I open the door he’s not waiting for me. I think it’s because I haven’t cried yet, I am refusing to. Because if I cry now who is going to crawl up on my bed and lay by my head, Or run across the house to me, Or paw at my door and sit next to me.. Now I have no one to be angry with, And now there’s no one in this whole damn house to know my constant tears mean something!! What happens now? How do I cope?

고양이와 가장 친한 친구 어머니가 돌아가셨으며, 내가하든 말든 가치가 내 눈물, 슬픔, 그리고 분노와, 현실과 의미 뭔가를 알고있는 가족 왼쪽이 없습니다. 난 당신이 eveyrhting 괜찮을 거라고 말 들었 으면 좋겠어. 매번 누군가 당신이 여기 있었으면 전달합니다. 당신이 통과하지 않은 희망, 난 당신을 사랑 해요.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Don't Learn How To Shut Up.

"You don't need a gun to kill somebody" ~Gideon of Criminal Minds

I heavy heartily believe that all you need to wreck a childhood and damage someone for life is words, Or even worse lack of words. Talking to your kids, parents, and friends about the things that hurt the most will help the most. We all know Minnesota is cold and defrosting takes time, But the flowers are long term and will outlast spring. It is so worth it to speak up.

Growing up I could never shut up, Even now my voice is loud and carries. Now i know how to use my voice, But when i was a kid even in high school i couldn't tell people my pain. I had no trust in my parents; I wasn't close to my sister or any family members. I couldn’t tell my best friends that I hurt so much because of them being white knew they could never fully understand my pain; It may have even offended them. Concealing my pain was a prime. I never told my teachers when a family member had died so there would be no class announcement when I missed school for the funeral. Once a girl asked me if I was crying behind my book, But I said I had a cold so I had the sniffles. As much as I hid my pain, Inside i was begging someone to notice, And to say something to me that wasn’t generic. When a classmate had a loss in the family I made sure to tell them I’ve been to so many funerals there’s a section for the clothe sin my closet and I that I was so sorry for their loss. There was other pain I saw, But I socially bit my lip. In 5th grade a boy finished typing his paragraph early in class, when it didn’t save everyone giggled while he cried. I wanted to say something, But I just sat there. I can’t be sure why it brought him to tears, But I wish I would have let him know he wasn’t the only one in pain.

If we all were so bold as to not shut up when someone is in pain, We’d be a better person and friend for it. Saying or asking something deeper than “Are you ok?” can mean so much. Not saying anything to someone in pain is just as crushing as the pain they’re going through.

Friday, 14 October 2011

Sharing Is Caring.

Hello my sweet supportive readers. Most of you don’t know I’m not writing a “tell all” about my life, adoption, and birthsearch. My style of writing is inspired by Toby Hill-Meyer. He writes amazing works for sex and gender roles, And uses this idea of shocking scholarly writing. The book I am working on is based off of that; This blog is more about my open and honest journey. What you read here is more emotional, than educational. I feel the need to be so open to not only get my story out there, But also to encourage other adoptees to share their thoughts and feelings. That is what I’m all about, giving and helping adoptees have a stronger voice in the world. All of us standing up and telling the truths as insiders of international and interracial adoption. I encourage you to ask me any questions, Or share your story. If the comment box is uncomfortable to you please e-mail me directly @, Or Twitter me @ KangSunLee1991. I do have a personal Facebook, But I’m not currently using it to directly interact.

That being said I have been wondering lately how much is too much? Is there such a thing when it comes to this? What is the difference between a tell all and openness? I feel like the term “tell all” has negative ties, And I am in no way sharing to be spiteful, hurtful, or for the sake of being controversial. I believe being open with others is the best way to spread tolerance and acceptance. How can we tolerate and accept things we don’t know are out there, Or don’t understand? I just finished watching a lovely documentary that really had nothing to do with this, Other than how much they shared about their personal lives. One spoke of nothing personal, One only shared school related issues and one sort of fight with a girlfriend, And one was so bold as to share feelings about a girl and family. They all shared first and last names. The whole time I was thinking that’s an amazing amount to share, While also thinking I share so much more. I hand out a lot of personal information, as well as my private thoughts that I tell only a couple people in my daily life. It almost seems extreme to be so forthcoming emotionally, Even if I know it’s helping others.

I know there are still very intense personal things I have yet to share with you all, that are a huge part of my everyday life and directly stem from my adoption. It’s scary to share so much sometimes, And not knowing who is really reading this. Adults I’ve never met, 20 something’s cheering on a fellow, Or the teens I work with in summer. I am working the nerve to let the darkness of my book and my emotions in the blog overlap. I hope we can all handle it..

당신에 대해 말해 사람이있다면, 난 당신이 내게 이야기인지 자신에게 부하 궁금 궁금, 그리고 당신이 당신의 일상 생활에서 나에 대해 궁금해 얼마나 궁금해. 당신은 내 성자 내 인생을했습니다, 내가 살아 보관하십시오. 당신이 사랑하는 어머니.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Waiting, Numbness, & I can't sleep.

Hello guys. It is currently 3:32AM, And I am waiting. I am waiting to hear from my social worker Kabin, I am waiting for my search to officially start, And I am still waiting for my birthmother to be in my life. One of the biggest struggles my whole life has been is waiting, And that pain gets worse every day. When I wake up in the morning I am alone in this world, I spend the day alone, And I fall asleep wondering why I’m alone. It’s a dull condemning feeling to constantly carry with you. I am the type of person that laughs every day, But with each big moment of happiness there has always been a big crash. Sometimes it’s in slow motion like falling down the stairs. You can’t feel the pain of each step yet, But you know something is happening to you. This numbness waves over me on weekly bases. It makes me feel like a ghost, And sometimes it’s so bad I can’t even speak.
I wonder if other adoptees experience this kind of emptiness in their lives. Does the numbing get so bad you can’t speak? It’s like the disconnect I have for my adoptive family is transferred to everything around me. It’s like I’m suddenly disconnect from the whole world, And instead of being angry about it, I am truly scared. It’s so unbelievably scary to constantly be alone even when you’re in the middle of a crowed or embracing a warm hug.

I am searching for my birthfamily, My true family, A family to make me whole. One of my very best and closest friends Calista pointed out to me that maybe my real family could be her and my other best friend Jordan, Or the family I could birth or adopt one day. I want so badly to just be happy with those ideas of family, But I don’t think that will ever be enough for me. I am very apprehensive of having my own child. How do I explain to a child who will most likely be half Caucasian, “Mommy doesn’t know anything about your grandma or grandpa. Mommy wishes that she did, And hopes you can forgive her for being so sad all the time. Mommy has a lot of anger towards Westerners even though Daddy is Western.”. How do I bring a child into this world when I have no answers for them, When I know how people will treat them for being Korean, For being mixed, And for having a Korean mom and a Caucasian dad. How do I explain to my son or daughter my anger towards Caucasians even though their dad is, And they’re half. How do I let them explore and understand their Caucasian side, And what it socially/culturally means to be American when I know how Caucasians and Americans have treated me.

My search could come up with a million different beginnings and endings. If I have multiple searches and come up with nothing than what, My main hunt for family ends? My other options for a family it to start my own on day. I am only 20, So starting a family won’t be anytime soon. But with all the questions I have that comes with having a biological child, Does that mean I’ll have to wait even longer to start my own family? What if I’m just never ready, Or take too long to try and figure things out. If the timer runs out on my eggs then I can’t have my own child anyways.

I could always adopt in the first place. I’d prefer a Korean baby, But that is also asking a lot from my partner. I’d be asking them to give up having their biological child even though there’s nothing wrong with our bodies, And we could conceive without a problem. I would also be asking them to raise a child like me, A Korean adoptee. I know what a heavy price it means to be an international and interracial adoptee. I feel like me being who and what I am is already a huge strain on a relationship let alone all the baggage non-adoptees have. South Korea’s international adoption is closing next year, Which means living in Korea for most of our lives. That was always a plan for me, But now there’s even bigger reason for it, To adopt a child to start our family.

It’s 4:22AM and my body is begging me to sleep, But I am still waiting and my mind is fully awake. This is just a small peak into what keeps me up so late at night. My thoughts and questions just keep going and going and going. It’s been like this since I can remember, Since I was even 3. Even when that wave of numbness crashes over me my mind works in this state of constants. Now I am waiting for it to be morning and day, So my body runs out of energy, And I can finally sleep.

당신이 잠못드는 밤이 있으며, 자신의 생각을 그렇게 일정한 경우에는 경우에 어머니 있을까. 난 당신이 밤을 수면을 발견하고 하루에 hapyness을 찾길 바랍니다. 난 당신이 마비, 전용 기쁨을 느낄 결코 바랍니다. 난 당신이 옳은 일을 한거야 알고, 그 당신이 날 생각 할 때 지나치게 슬픈 아니길 바래 야지. 저는 당신이 그리워요, 당신을 정말 사랑해. 잘 어머니 수면 ...