Help Readers ^_^ Today is my 24th birthday, Golden birthday, the 24th anniversary of the day my mother met me and had to give me, and sadly.. I'm the same age my mother was when she got raped into having me.
I always dread my birthday, but try and put on a good American show of it. People tend to be super pissy if you don't participate in your own birthday. While I'm not a birthday person, I've been dreading today in particular.
But this year will actually be really fantastic. I grabbed my free birthday Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's with one of my best friends from high school. Why? Because it's free, she loves Denny's, and I have special sentiment in the film Smoke Signals. A film my adoptive KAD sister had to watch for school, but we ended up loving it. I order exactly what the character does the story, and it's kind of nice to think of my adoptive KAD sister that way.
Now I'm at Starbucks for my free birthday coffee. After this I'll finally shower and get dolled up, meet one of my dearest friends for coffee, then off to dinner with a few KAD ladies I've grown to really care about too. It's weird, I just realized all my closest friends this year are females.. I literally haven't had that since elementary school. Growth ^_^!!
As much as I've been dreading my 24th, being the same age as my mother when everything hit the fan.. I feel ok about it. I love her, and I'm sure she loves me in some way. Maybe we don't need to be together or even contact each other to be happy. As much as I miss her, as much as I cry for her.. Today feels good. I feel fantastic. Maybe this year will be better ^_^!!
In other news, I met a nice guy. Boom! Let's call him SooLu, because it's the incorrect spelling of his roommate's cat's name. And possibly just the wrong name completely ha. I quietly saw him for a month, so naturally the weekend I started telling a few friends.. He broke it off. Totally shitty, but it was different. It was sweet and I was surprisingly comfortable with that, instantly comfortable, and even wanting. I was sleeping over, seeing him multiple times, and get this.. I fucking cuddled with him! All things that I find to be completely unnecessary, insufferable even. But I was different with SooLu.
He's one of few men I've ever liked, and literally the only that wasn't physically abusive, sexually abusive, emotionally/verbally abusive, or have some sort of addiction. Now don't freak out Reader, I'm not in love or obsessed with SooLu. It's me seeing him being a genuinely kind person, and me finally thinking I deserve that is what made it comfortable. I've met handfuls of truly nice guys just like SooLu, but I either Lemmon law them or be clear I'm one and done. It's my evaluation of myself that's changed. **I deserved a kind person, and I want to be emotionally close with someone.**
I will admit, when he broke things off I called him out on his crappy generic text. I had zero plans on ever hearing from him again, but the next day he texted again. While he didn't say sorry, he did own up to being shitty. I messaged him back with can only be dumbed down to the immature response of, "Yeah, I'm glad we both agree your actions were shitty". So I admit my response was a touch immature.. But also kind of funny.
*** Really I should have said, "I'm glad we can agree your actions were feces." Then attached a picture from South Park, "It is time to stop pointing fingers! Finger pointing gets us nowhere, Steve!" ~Randy Marsh, Margaritaville, Season 13. That would have been hilarious, we'd have both laughed, and he'd know there was no animosity towards him. It just sucks this first experience couldn't have lasted a bit longer. Oh well, boys are dumb ^_<.
I'm totally still laughing about that though Park quite. I'm cool as fuck.
So I'm starting 24 out pretty well, with lots of new feelings and ideas about myself that I've never experienced before. I think that's dank as hell ^_^. I think my mother would be really happy for me, happy to see that at her age I'm starting to get a more positive view of myself. Maybe she did kill herself over all the crazy when I was a baby, and maybe she's been watching this whole time, maybe she's been waiting to give me this burst of warm energy.
I love you mother, happy anniversary.