Giving Up America & Gaining Korea.

Hello Readers. In 2 weeks I'll be on a plane home. But for the past week I've been barely sleeping and feel on edge. I'm scared of not fitting in with the group and just not fitting in Korea. I never had a life in America and I hope to finally find that when I get home, but then my true life will be an ocean away.. Furthering the gap between me and my adoptive family and American friends.

I'm scared finding home means being lost from them forever. But.. I'm willing to give up the little bit of family I do have here for a life in Korea. I may have no family waiting in Korea, but I do have a home there.

I'm so happy to be leaving America soon. Being in the same country as my birth mother and second mother makes me feel like all the puzzle pieces are in the box of my Korean identity. I may never be able to place every piece, but knowing I have them close is love. But knowing there's no one waiting at the airport, dying to hold me, and call me her daughter.. That's killing me.

What hurts more is knowing some of the adoptees in my program.. They've met their birth families, and they have beautiful plans to see them. I am so jealous. It's like going to the park or mall and seeing all the white children look like their parents. As a little I'd run to the public bathroom and cry hating myself for never having that. As a young adult I fear that it's true.

I am beyond happy to finally be going home. I truly am glowing, but I'm trading what little I have in the states for a life in Korea... The small white dysfunctional spec of family and friends, for an empty home. The part that makes me sad about this choice is that it's easy. I give it all up for home, and to finally find my Korean life.

In short.. Goodbye America, I'm not sorry it didn't work out. I'm just sad you pushed me away. Stamp me "return to sender".

I GOT IN!!

Hello Readers! I GOT IN!! I GOT INTO ECWS'S LANGUAGE AND CULTURE PROGRAM!! I'M GOING HOME JUNE 25th!! OH MY GOD AFTER 22 YEARS I AM GOING HOME!! THIS IS TRULY COMPLETELY AMAZING!! THIS IS THE GREATEST GIFT I COULD EVER RECEIVE!!

Searching for my birthmother was just a dream I had as little girl, a 3 year old crying herself to sleep every night. I'd beg and pray to my mother to come save me and take me home to Korea. Going home is the only thing I have ever wanted my entire life, and now it's really happening. Oh my god this is so unreal I don't even know what to do! I called and texted all of my friends, and they are so happy for me. They've been been supporting me like crazy telling me I'd get in. They are my best friends in the whole world, and they are just great circles to be apart of. I love them all soo much!

Thank you all so much for all of your support the past 2 years. All of stories you've shared with me, and being so accepting of my own adoption story. I feel like I've really developed my voice in the international adoptee, interracial adoptee, and Asian-American communities. Helping us be heard to the world, and for us to be able to hear each other are what's made these years in the states bearable for me.

Readers and friends you are all are so incredibly wonderful, and pure with your support regarding my birth search. The emotion you all send my way is tremendously overwhelming and I am so thankful for it. Thank you.

Oh my god, I'm going home!! And I get to see Double D in 6 weeks, Cherry-On-Top!!


*CHEERS*

Waiting To Know & Double D.

Hello Readers. Yesterday an adoptee from Australia posted on Facebook that she got into ECWS language and culture program. She told me she found out via her adoption agency. Which is amazing news for me because I'm in the states meaning my agency has been closed all weekend for Memorial Day. My social worker is back in the office today, so I'm hoping to know today.

The funny thing is I'm not stressed about it. I'm ready to know.

Sunday night we all went out to celebrate my boyfriend going to Japan. Lets call him Double D. We pregamed at our best friend's place, and ended up at norebong (Korean karaoke). The guys keep saying when I go to Korea we'll have to do something super Japanese to keep the balance. Double D slept over, and then we ended up spending all afternoon in bed together.

We got up and went to Pizza Ranch, which has been a long standing joke for us. I've never been there, and the pizza was bleh, but I can't imagine anything more perfect. We spent the day together picking up last minute things for him and just being a real couple. It was incredibly perfect. He leaves Wednesday morning at 6, but he's spending today packing and with his parents. I am so excited for him!

After shopping we hopped back into bed and went over his Japanese text book. As we were laying there we planned out our summer in Asia. He leaves for Japan Wednesday morning and his program ends July 3rd. Whether I get into my program or not he'll go to Korea for a week. He's into Korean culture and fashion and I want him to experience it whether I can or not.

After a week in Korea he'll fly back to Japan and get an apartment for a month. If I get in I'll leave the states June 24th. Hopefully during his week in Korea, 6 weeks from now, we'll have time and proximity to meet in Seoul. From there I'll have the last 3 weeks of my program. After I'll fly to Japan for the last week of his lease and we'll fly back to the states together.

Saying goodbye was really hard, I teared up a bit. We kept kissing, and hugging, and holding each other. Not knowing if we'd meet again in 2 months or 3 months felt empty and made it hard to let go of him. This whole time he's been the only one who will joke with me about not getting into my program. It's like blowing it during a game, and telling myself I suck so I perform better.

But this time he told me, "I'm sure you'll get in." He said 2 months was going to go by so quickly because I'll be planning for Korea and then I'll just be living in Korea. That I won't have time to miss him. He is the most worthwhile person. When we finally parted I gave him a letter to read when he gets on his flight to Japan.

Well Readers I've made Really Big Plans! They are all riding on me getting into ECWS language and culture program. I'm really hoping I'll know today, and I do hope I get in. *fingers crossed*


어머니 안녕하세요! 나는 이번 여름에 집에 들어 오거나 게 아니라면 오늘은 알아보십시오. 내 친구, 내 남자 친구를 사랑하는 집에 올 수없는 경우, 일주일 동안 한국에있을 것입니다. 자신의 존재를 느끼고 자신을 확인하십시오 놀라운 진정 아름다운 빛으로 가득. 내가 너무 심하게 당신 집에 가고 싶어,하지만 난 언젠가 운명의 빨간 문자열 함께 어머니 우리를 가져올 것 알고있다. 난 항상 붉은 문자열에 의해 당신에게 연결됩니다. 나는 당신이 어머니를 사랑합니다. 행운을 빌어주세요

Translated from: Hello Mother! Today I find out if I'm coming home this summer or not. If I can't come home my dearest friend, my boyfriend, will be in Korea for a week. Please feel his presence and make his experience amazing and full of calm beautiful light. I want to come home to you so badly, but I know one day the red string of fate will bring us together mother. I will always be tied to you by a red string. I love you mother. Wish me luck.

Stress Vomiting: It's A Thing.

Hello Readers. Today has been really rough; the past two days have been a lot to swallow. I thought I had some solid plans in my love life, I thought I had solid plans to leave my job and move forward, and I thought I was really realistic in the possibility of going home this summer.

But today I just started aching with such intense disappointment. I got so stressed out I vomited, and now I can't stop crying from the stress.


1) The most important part of my dating/love life might be in Japan for the next 3 months instead of 7 weeks. He plans on spending a week of it in Korea, but that means nothing unless I get into my program, and we have time/proximity to meet up. When he/we get back to the states there's another challenge before we start an official relationship, and I am so ready for it. For the first time in my life I can say I'm worth it, admit I want him and to be close to him, and know I deserve him. But now he might not be on the same page.

2) I love my job, but I hate sales and was really hoping to get fired and move onto something fresh and exciting. Helping people find the right glasses, and helping them have sight is amazing. But I want a job with critical thinking, out of the box creativity, I want to make lists/organize/and plan events, and I want to help adoptees. Today when I talked to my boss he said I've made an amazing jump in sales. Then my sales supervisor thanked me for all the weird work I volunteer to do, and for always constantly working during my shifts when no one else does. I'm stuck and suffocating.

3) I'm totally freaked out I won't get into the ECWS program, and then I'd have to wait another year to go home. I've been realistic and accepting of the possibilities of being accepted and rejected.. But tonight I'm feeling a lot of doubt on getting in. It's terrifying to think of waiting another year to go home.. Waiting 23 years to finally go home and to feel accepted.


It's hard to fathom spending another summer in the states instead of home, without love, and stuck at a suffocatingly unproductive job. All three are such big things and together the doubt is breaking my back. Like something as good and pure as getting to go one seems insane. Meeting the most worthwhile person, we fit each other perfectly, and it working out feels too easy. Being told I'm good at a job that doesn't actively help people really bothers me. It's like I'm waiting my time making sales in glasses vs helping people who really need help. Will I be waiting my passion at this job for the next 5 years I'm in school?

Everything started layering up so quickly today, and I started freaking out over what the heck would I do this summer if I didn't get into the program. I got so nauseous. I went into the bathroom and turned on the faucet to hear moving water, and decompress. But instead of taking a deep breath and calming down, I vomited.

I got cleaned up, and did something I've never done before. I called all of my people, all of my closest friends, and no one answered. Of course.

I know they're all studying, working, sleeping, packing up, gaming, or busy in someway. But calling all 7 of them and no one answers? Can someone please do the math on that for me. One of them did call back, but he was already out doing fun shit. I wasn't about to ask him to come help me up from my stress. I told him I just wanted to hang, but since he was out to go have fun.

And now it's 10pm, and I'm sure no one else will be calling me back tonight. So here I am in bed. My chest feels so heavy like there's a thick smoke filling my lungs. Also I have all this week off to take care for my maternal adoptive grandma while my adoptive parents are out of town. I wish I had family to help me.

But I'm adopted.

Driving & Surviving.

Hello Readers. Did you guys know that I don't have my driver's license? Yeah I'm 22 and have to get rides everywhere. Why? Not because I failed my test 5 times and not because I had it revoked. I don't drive because growing up without my mother is scary, and utterly unbearable.

Her missing birthdays and school dances are things that just happen. I can't control the timeline they're set on, but I can't choose not to take on the major responsibilities of growing up. I didn't take driver's education class until I was 16, and I didn't take my permit until years later. I didn't have a real roll-pay job until a year after high school. I didn't start searching for her until I was 19.

I was afraid of growing up at the same rate as my peers because that was more my mother was missing. Growing up meant further defining my identity, and it killed me it was being created without her voice in it. I fought growing up and responsibly my whole life not because I'm stupid or lazy. I fought hard because I was intelligent enough to see how much wider it pushed the gap between me and my Korean identity Kang.

But guess what happened when I was 21? I finally broke up with AND got away from my emotionally abusive ex, my only "support system". I didn't rush into another relationship. I hung out with my bros and stayed single. Eventually I got back into the game and have had the luxury of dating many fantastic guys, some for a night and some for a few months. I've been able to be single and want to be single. It's a kind of sweet freedom I've never tasted before.

Being a single adoptee means doing things on your own. You don't have a boyfriend, you don't have family, and your white friends don't get your shit. It means you don't have a hand to hold when you're scared, or a shoulder to rest on when you're so exhausted you can't stop crying. It's made me a stronger and braver person. I've been surviving going back to school, and surviving what it means to have an actual job. And I've been doing it by-my-self.

** For the cherry on top of this growth spirt I will be getting my license and first car in June. I plan to get a Kia; Korean Pride Baby!! **

Adoption taught me how to be worthless, well I've taught myself how to be worthwhile. Surviving adoption is learning you're worth something, it's learning you don't have to be emotionally crippled forever, it's learning self respect, and to trust yourself. Those are the amazing gifts adoptees get when we don't give up. When we fight what adoption has done to us, that's called surviving!

So here's to growing up. Here's to surviving adoption. Here's to learning how to love when all you've been taught is hate. Together adoptees can beat the negatives of adoption. We don't have to be afraid to grow up! I am a survivor; I am a warrior.


*CHEERS*

Mother's Day, Thank You.

Hello Readers. Today in America it is Mother's Day and it hurts. That is as simple as I can put it. Days like these hurt adoptees because it's another celebration we miss out on; it's another milestone our birth families aren't there for.

Today at work a lot of people came in telling me about how they've lost their mother, as a little kid or from old age. They all talked about how it's not fair that over the years they've forgotten memories of her. While I feel for their loss, I am so incredibly jealous of them. They HAVE memories. Even if they forget things they have pictures, and stories from family and friends. While all I have is me.

I would do anything to remember something, to even catch a glimpse of a picture, or to hear a story about her. I wish I had some thing other than my own heart to keep her by, but all I have is me.

Knowing I still have me lets me know I'm adoption survivor. As long as we adoptees have ourselves and each other, we're surviving.

Half of my clients today were Asian. They all spoke their native younger and asked where I was from. When I told them and they realized I'm adopted they all gave me their condolences for the loss of my mother through adoption. They all gave my their deepest wishes that I'd get to go home this summer.

It was wonderful, and so truly warm, and a gift of understanding I've never felt in my life. So thank you so much for calling me Korean and not American. Thank you for offering your acceptance of me as a real Asian. Thank you for everything you gave me through your kind words, holding me hand, and your hugs. Thank you.

No matter who or what you consider your family at this point in your life, Happy Mother's Day.

A Chance To Go Home.

Hello Readers. Well kids today is May 1st meaning yesterday was the deadline for ECWS's Language and Culture Program. They sent out emails confirming all the applications they've received. They confirmed they've received mine, but have confirmed with they started processing it or not. Hopefully I'll know if I got in within the next 2-3 weeks.

I am so excited! I've been planning all sorts of packing details, and making lists of everything I'll have to buy for the trip. I'm totally a planner, and a procrastinator. I need to plan now so if I get in I'll be organized and able to get everything in over the course of a month and a week. I'm so prepped I wanna yell, "bring it on monsoon season!" But the nerve racking part is if I don't get in, which is a real possibility, all of this planning will have been for nothing.

I have many readers who have wrote me saying they're also applying. I hope we all get in, and if not this year then next year. I've read a lot of essays, and given the best advice I can. You're all absolutely wonderful, and I'm so great full to have such fantastic readers. You're all more rich in our culture than you realize, I hope one day you see that.

My friends keep telling my I'll get in for sure, my professors think it's a sure thing, and my adoptive mom doesn't even want to think about it. There's been many "family-like" talks about if I don't com back. So if I get in, I'll actually be reorganizing my room incase I do stay and my adoptive parents have to pack up everything.

As positive I am about all of this I'm terrified of not getting in this year. I have After the disappointment of last year, and how hard it's been searching I feel like I've earned this. But if I don't get in as sad as I'll be, I know it means another adoptee needed it more than I did. ECWS reads hundreds of these essays every year and I trust their judgement.

I'm excited for this opportunity, and I'm glad I have a chance at going home. Good luck to all of you! My heart is pulling for all of you to get in and find your way home with me.