Saturday, 30 May 2015

The Fear of Falling.

Hello Readers. Last night was a bad night. Let's talk about that..

I was out with my best friend, helping her be comfortable in a social situation. We had some drinks, and hours later 2 white males decided that I wasn't ok to drive. 2 white males, who don't know me, made a decision for the helpless Asian girl. I hated that. It bothered me because I was 100% ok to drive. My "Asian glow" is an allergy, I glow from a sip of wine, it is not an indicator that I'm wasted. My friend liked one of the guys, and she hangs out with white people, so she took no offense.. But I did. Part of why I was annoyed is because of what's been running through my head the last couple weeks.

I am terrified.

I am terrified of slipping into a spell of depression, or slipping into old addictive behavior. My friends aren't as mentally healthy as I am. They do not trigger me, but when I see them getting sicker or giving into their cycle of addictive behavior.. It makes me scared of the "what ifs". What if I slip up and nail some dude instead of coping with a trigger? What if I *actually* drive home wasted after a night of clubbing?

What if I slip into depression and do nothing except sleep and have migraines?

What if I feel so low I start driving around, and undo my seat belt?

What if I drive until I'm parked in front of my last abuser's house? What if I let myself inside, walk downstairs, and go lay in bed with him.. And sumit to him hurting me sexually abusing me. What if that time he beats the shit out of me, like he has other girls.. What if he beats me so bad he rips out a lock of my hair and writes my name on his rape list, like he has other girls..

I've been feeling so scared of the what ifs, because I know... I know that *everyone* slips up in addiction. And I don't want to, I really really do not want to slip up. I want better for myself. I know I am healthy, and I know I am coping well with being healthy.

But..

But last night was a bad night.. Last night I was having coctails with people I hated, playing on my phone out of incredible boredom, and then my phone started to ring.. I thought, "Ooo, Who could this mystery person be?". As soon as I slid my finger across the screen, it hit me, it knocked the air out of me, debilitating like the slow motion of being caught under fire in war..

It was Double D's number.

Just when I am so sure I'm healthy, that I'm terrified of relapsing, that.. That *thing* has to call me. He asked me what I was doing and who I was with. I told him none of that mattered, that he sounded drunk, and I had to go. I hung up, and true to form he didn't call back.

I am so angry at him for calling. I felt so far away from my abusers! I've been tackling my memories of abuse in reprocessing therapy! I have been doing so fucking good without abusers in my life!! I kick ass when hiking and at the gym everyday, I've been so successful in making all kinds of healthy and amazing plans! I opened my heart to a kind man, for the first time.

But that bastard had to call me, and you just can't move.. You can't out run your past. When I run I feel like nothing can touch me, but when I went hiking this morning all I could worry about was tripping. Tripping over what? It was freshly cleared trails, and fun new hiking boots. I guess I've been thrown, and now I'm scared of tripping over my past. I didn't feel a pull to him at all, but I felt so sad knowing how much control he had over me for 3 years. It's like a bug that's burrowed into my brain again, trying to devour all the healthy tissue, and infecting me with memories of how truly gruesome and horrible it was with Double D.

I'm trying to get my head cleared. I'm focusing how much my heart has grown, that I accepted Apple. How delightful the trails have been and will be all summer. How incredibly stoked I am to ski this winter! How much I love conditioning every day. How much my stomach has shrunk, and I can't eat anywhere near as much as I used too. I eat like a bird compared to my best friend! Everything I've been doing and aiming to do is pretty amazing.. I'm proud of myself.

But I'm scared of tripping..

*Cheers*

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Summer Plan & An Apple Man.

Hello Readers. I'm thinking I want to get back to the root of things. Charcoal, dirt, sweet kisses with sweet boys, and revisiting bluebird powder. I'm completely not drawn to abusers, it actually feels impossible for anyone to use me. I finally don't feel breakable. I can finally be me.

I feel happy.

This summer I want to work hard for an ethical company. Hike deep again, especially hit up the roller coaster on the Appalachian Trail. Get conditioned for next winter and ski some old lines. I want to pick up old adventures, anything that was taken by an abuser. I'm really digging working on my passions again. And ok, maybe find some sweet lovin' along the way ha!

Let's talk about a healthy diet of fruit. I asked Apple to meet me so I could explain some things. We saw eachother twice, stuff happend, and we broke it off. Ok ok, It was a bit more ceremonious than that. Apple broke it off back on Korean New Years, because I was emotionally holding back. A couple weeks ago I reached out to him, wearing my little heart on my sleeve. We met up and eventually divulged summer plans that put us in very different places. Plus I feel grounded enough to hold someone's hand, and Apple wants to work on his grounding before he holds someone's hand. Yup.

After realizing all this we spent one last afternoon together. It was probably the best time we shared. We knew how we felt about each other, but understood our lives are plotted on different parts of the map. Shared a lot of ambitions, jokes, wished each other luck, and didn't say goodbye. I genuinely believe Apple is a good person. Whoever gets to hold hands with a grounded version of him, she'll be a lucky gal.

Spyro + Wumpa Fruit = Spring Cleaning.

*Cheers*

Sunday, 3 May 2015

Teen Camp Might Not Run This Year.

Hello Readers. I'm really good at not biting my tounge, this really pisses off adoptive parents. And I'm 100% ok with that ^_^

To cut the story short another accomplished adoptee and myself offered to volunteer, run, and teach at Teen Camp FOR FREE. I was acting as a bridge so  other adoptees would be willing to get involved too. They all left Korean Culture Camp because dealing with the white people is hell. The other adoptee and I are still at camp working in the trenches. But certain parents who've judged me, spoiled these free acts of kindness and forgiveness. Of course the other adoptees don't want to help people who judged a dear friend, especially when those parents realize we're friends because we have similar views on adoption.

Another issue is there are parents who have been lying to their teens for years. Apparently every year I've been offered positions at Teen Camp, but I didn't respond or said no. Lies. I was never even invited to a board meeting until this year. No one ever offered me a position. No parents ever contacted me on their own without me sending multiple emails to prompt a response. Most of them rudely never responded. This year one mom is particular told me they had enough volunteers to run Teen Camp. Also a lie. The thing about lies is that it's doesn't matter how you do it, it still psychologically offends people in the same way.

**Parents should not lie to their kids, nor should they lie to other adults.**

Apparently there are parents who read my blog about Korean Culture Camp, and it made them quite upset. Let's be real here, they're the same parents who reported me for being a gothic Teen Helper. They're the same parents who reported me for telling the gay campers that I accept them. I'm pretty sure they're terrified I'll brainwash their kids into a gay supporting, kale eat, atheistic, bleeding heart liberal like myself. But in reality, all I've ever taught my campers is that I accept them all for who they are, and I think it's rad to be yourself.

Now let's pretend that they only don't like my blog, it's a cute defense of theirs.

I fully admit that I said a lot of really harsh things about KCC and the adoptive parents that run it. However I don't appologize for any of that. If you're white and read this blog, good luck! You're either highly educated and hyper aware of the social structure of race, or you're like every other American that's only going to get angry  reading it.

Why do I not feel sorry for these parents? Why am I not regretful of my KCC review? Because I'm the brown person in this situation! They don't get to tell me what's offensive here. I'm an angry adult adoptee, and I write for my audience who are also angry adult adoptees. It's not rocket science. If you're an adoptive parent and you read a blog that's written for angry adoptees, you're going to be super upset and highly offended.

It's very simple, reading things that aren't for an audience you're not apart of will with either upset or confuse you. Maybe they'll enlighten you, but if you're not reading to learn you're more likely going to be upset. If you're a grown ass adult, then I am not going to feel bad for you. You made a decision to read something that would upset you, and now you're taking it out in the author. Good for you.

Honestly, it's like a grown adult reading a children's book as if it's for adults. You'd literally spend the whole book thinking, "Why the fuck doesn't Bobby just learn to tie his shoes! He keeps tripping everywhere! He should ask someone to teach him! Why is this book only 8 pages long!" You'd   probably think the author is a crazy idiot to write the world's shortest book about a kid who could have asked his mom for help. As an adult you understand that childrens books are for childrem, so you wouldn't do that right? What on earth would compel you to do that with my blog? It's ridiculous.

**I've been doing KCC for 20 damn years as camper, Teen Helper, and Young Adult Adoptee/Classroom Aid. I am an adult adoptee and I have dedicated my education and life to bettering the lives of transracial adoptees, ie: your kids. That deserves respect.**

I don't apologize for my review of KCC or of transracial adoption, because it's completely true. Being brutally honest, writing highly controversial content, and riddling my writing with swear words does not negate my authorship of the truth. If you are an adoptive parent, you are not my audience. If you are an adult would like to upset yourself, then by all means keep reading my blog. Hell fallow me on Twitter @KangSunLee1991.

Make your own choices and OWN your feelings. Blaming your feelings on me is obserd and childish. Lying to keep me out of Teen Camp only hurts the teens that want me there. You do not win anything here.

Saturday, 18 April 2015

Extended Adoptive Family Dinner.

Hello Readers. I am the yellow sheep of my family, let's talk about that.

I've been the weird one for all sorts of reasons, but mostly that's cosmetic over me personally identifying as Korean and not American. The issue with my extended adoptive family are the same issues I have with my adoptive parents, or any white person. **I only remember anything they've said/done that's racist.

Whether they've meant to or not doesn't matter. Regardless if they view it as racist or not, is not their call. Brown people decide what's racist and offensive. White people do not do not have a say how brown people should feel about race and culture.

Basically, there's all sorts of little comments, actions, and on going "jokes" that paint my family portrait. It's how I remember every single one of them. It's engrained in my memory. I don't appreciate who they are as people with their drugs, drinking, and the poor social structure of how they run their families. But you're supposed to love family despite who they are, right? It's a basic social rule. Sorry, but I'm adopted. There's no blood and I didn't consent to a familial contract. Further more some social rules are stupid.

On top of who they are as people, all the subtle racism makes every inch of me hurt and angry. As a 24 year old I realize that "the mature thing to do" isn't acting civil with people who are psychologically damaging to you. I had to when I was a child, but now the adult decision is to not associate with people who trigger negative racial feelings. Why should I force myself to be around people who only trigger my trichamania and suicidal thoughts?

The reason I'm bringing up my entire adoptive family is there's an impromptu dinner tomorrow. I'm actually reshooting the nude shoot from last year on how adoptees feel in their skin. In the essay that fallows my nude portrait I talk about all the sexual abuse I grew up with. The reshoot is also tomorrow, I could change the time to also make the family dinner.. The problem is my adoptive mom informed me that I cannot speak on the photo shoot or any adoptee released events/writing/speaking.

If I have to hear about all the horrible things they do AND their "subtle" racism.. Then they get to hear all about adoptee culture and my nude photo shoot. If my adoptive mom wants us all to have dinner and be family, Fine. But if it's under the condition I have to act white again and be their racial punching bag, No thanks.

I'm in a really healthy place where every single person in my life is chosen. All my friends and our relationships have been carefully cultivated with those who accept and respect my racial and cultural identity. Why on earth would I risk such a wonderful lifestyle by having dinner with those who have zero respect me as a Korean woman?

So I'm still the yellow sheep of my unconsentual by paper family. I'm ok with that. It makes the holidays extra hard because they're the only family I know, but I don't long to be close to such destructive people. I'd much rather spend my life with beautiful friends and sweet dreams of my birthmother.

I'm feeling pretty happy about not going to dinner ^_^

*Cheers*

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

The Art of Romance: Part One.

Hello a Readers. Romantic dating is hard as fuck, but then if you've never done something before.. You'd expect to not be glorious at it. Also guys, this is going to be a series. I'm focused on this type of dating. It's new, exciting, and for a girl like me quite the uphill struggle. I expect to learn a lot and share a lot. Thanks for watching this huge personal development. 

It doesn't matter if we meet through friends, parties, events, online the outcome is always the same. A date or two, then nothing. A bunch of times I've ended up with assholes who think you nail a girl by dating her on a date. We go on the  most cliches dates, sex, then nothing. It's so stupid, what an absurd waste of time. If you want to have sex just be open, why try and sneak into someone's pants? Just a few months ago I could screw any hot I wanted. It's easy to get laid, lies and theatrics are a waste of time and money. Being blunt about what you want, gets you exactly what you're craving. 

A couple times I've gone in too gingerly.. They learn nothing real about me, and we never break the touch barrier. I think if I start talking about the rawness of my life they'll be freaked out. Any guy I've met that doesn't drink says it right away. Is that the same awareness I need to give on having no proper romantic experience? "I'm a recovering sex addict; I've never experienced romantic based dating." If they ask about it should I do the same as those in AA and explain, "I grew up rough with sexual abuse, in my teens I sexualized it to survive, and abusive long term boyfriends don't count as a chosen romantic relationship. I'm better now."

If I'm not talking to a fellow addict of any kind, how do I share without them feeling bad for me? Or see me as broken? I know other girls, teens, woman that have been sexually assaulted. Mentoring them comes easy because I've experienced more abuse. I don't know anyone born from rape, spent most of their life being abused by classmates, then abused for years by boyfriends, and then I worked my ass off to get healthy. If there's anyone out there that's like me, then please say something.

I'm a young woman in her 20s. All I'm trying to do is date a fine fella, find a warm fuzzy to sit on my shoulder.. But I keep messing up all my dates, because when on earth do you tell a guy that you used to be epically screwed up?

I should hug people more, have the first ever conversation with my adoptive dad, get a another cat... or something.

I'm not sure what the balance is..

*Cheers*

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Golden Birthday & Apple Picking.

Hello Readers ^_^ Today is my 24th birthday, Golden birthday, the 24th anniversary of the day my mother met me and had to give me, and sadly.. I'm the same age my mother was when she got raped into having me.

I always dread my birthday, but try and put on a good American show of it. People tend to be super pissy if you don't participate in your own birthday. While I'm not a birthday person, I've been dreading today in particular.

But this year will actually be really fantastic. I grabbed my free birthday Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's with one of my best friends from high school. Why? Because it's free, she loves Denny's, and I have special sentiment in the film Smoke Signals. A film my adoptive KAD sister had to watch for school, but we ended up loving it. I order exactly what the character does the story, and it's kind of nice to think of my adoptive KAD sister that way.

Now I'm at Starbucks for my free birthday coffee. After this I'll finally shower and get dolled up, meet one of my dearest friends for coffee, then off to dinner with a few KAD ladies I've grown to really care about too. It's weird, I just realized all my closest friends this year are females.. I literally haven't had that since elementary school. Growth ^_^!!

As much as I've been dreading my 24th, being the same age as my mother when everything hit the fan.. I feel ok about it. I love her, and I'm sure she loves me in some way. Maybe we don't need to be together or even contact each other to be happy. As much as I miss her, as much as I cry for her.. Today feels good. I feel fantastic. Maybe this year will be better ^_^!!

In other news, I met a fellow. Let's call him Apple, because I'm feeling highly unoriginal today. I quietly saw him for a month, so naturally the weekend I started telling a few friends.. He broke it off. Happy Korean New Year. Totally shitty and 100% on me. It was sweet and I was surprisingly comfortable with him, instantly comfortable, and even wanting of it. We had sleepovers, stayed out all night, slept all morning, and get this.. I fucking cuddled with him! Cuddling Level: Falling asleep and waking in each others arms. All things that in my sex addiction I found to be completely unnecessary, insufferable, and repulsive.. But the desire to only want healthy guys makes me feel differently. The changes and happiness in me made my reaction to meeting Apple different.

He's one of few men I've liked in recent years, and literally the only one that wasn't physically abusive, sexually abusive, emotionally/verbally abusive, or have some sort of addiction. I've met handfuls of truly nice guys just like Apple, but I either Lemmon law them or be clear I'm one and done. It's my evaluation of myself that's changed how I interact with the world.

**I deserve a kind person, and I want to be emotionally close with someone.**

Apple broke it off.. Really, I don't blame him. He shared a lot of personal stuff about himself and past relationships with bad endings. I always froze, changed the subject, or made a joke. I realized as much as I finally wanted good positive love, I have no clue how to romantically date. First off, all of my relationships and hookups were extremely unhealthy. I've never had a proper relationship in my life. Secondly, how the fuck do you tell a super swell fella that you've spent your life with rape since you were born? My adoptee story is such a bummer that KBS has been rejecting it for years. They keep saying it's too sad to air!

I'm starting 24 out pretty well, with lots of new feelings and ideas about myself that I've never experienced before. I think that's dank as hell ^_^. I think my mother would be really happy for me, happy to see that at her age I'm starting to get a more positive view of myself. Maybe she did kill herself over all the crazy when I was a baby, and maybe she's been watching this whole time, maybe she's been waiting to give me this burst of warm energy.

I love you mother, happy anniversary.

*Cheers*

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

The Double D Cycle.

Hello Readers. As much as I boast and do love being single, most of you know that I've been in somewhat of a relationship for the past couple years. Rocky, on and off, physically abusive, deeply meaningful.. And with the little appeal it has, I haven't been able to completely walk away before. Let's start from the beginning 2 years ago at CONvergence 2012.

It was my first of many many conventions, and I had an online date set up. I was on the porch to meet the guy, when Double D walked up. I felt so bad that I let him talk, until I really had to cut him off and meet my date. Double D directed me to the other porch where my date was waiting. Call it destiny, the red string's pull, but I ended up being at the right place at the right time. Like "My Sassy Girl" I had met a man from the future.

We talked once or twice that weekend, Facebook adds, and gave him my number. For the next 3 months he would call or text asking me to coffee, to party with his friends, or to just talk. I finally caved, and thus started a friendship. From the first night we met up we both felt something there, special even. I had just gotten out of a 3 year long abusive relationship. I did not want another boyfriend. I wanted to work on myself. But Double D didn't really respect that..

After we both finally admitted to having feelings, he'd always tell me how wrong I was. That he wanted one special girl to make him happy again, and that I could grow in a relationship. Eventually we got to a point where we'd kiss when no one was looking, he'd always come home to my bed, but we were not together. We could do whatever, screw whoever, be open that we liked each other, but have zero obligation to one another. I told him a million times it couldn't go on forever..

When I turned 22 I took pictures of us in the car. I went to delete the bad ones and saw a photo I hadn't taken. In the shot I was asleep laying on my tummy. He had pulled down my blanket, pulled up my sleeping shirt, to reveal my lace panties.. He took a nonconsentual nude photo of me! I deleted it, along with all photos of me. I spent the rest of my birthday silently freaking out over how a friend that I deeply trusted had sexually violated me. Like everything else, we got passed it.

**We ended up hitting points where he couldn't handle his shit, freak out, and hide from everyone for months.
***We hit points where he'd straight up tell me how worthless I am to other guys. That no one, but him found me attractive or gave a shit about me. That all other guys only used me for sex.
****We got to a point where he sexually assaulted me every time I saw him.
*****We got to a point where he was screaming, and smacking me across the face.

While he was hitting me, I just took it. I tried to hold his hands and ask why he was doing this. That violence was not telling me anything, he needed to use words. #IAmNotAVictim #YesAllWoman He finally calmed down, and I just laid back and cried. I got up, washed me face, and we talked. A couple days later I told him that I couldn't trust him, he broke every bit of trust, and if he didn't get help we were done. He flipped out about how hitting me was him sticking up for himself. Then radio silence for another month.

In true fashion to us I always I'd show up to him sleeping all day in bed, or he'd call at 2am wasted. Things would go back to "normal", until one of us was upset, he'd flip out, and he'd leave me again. He's always leaving me, punishing me.

Flash to this past summer at CONvergence 2014. He's yelling and pushing me away. It was so deviating.. I could feel my chest bursting as I sobbed for him to stop being mean, to "Please please stop acting like this! You've never spoken to me like this before! Please just stop and talk to me!"

He literally left me in the street.
On the ground.
Begging for him.

I was screaming and crying for him to stop, while he pushed me away shouting, "We don't end up together! This never felt right! Stop, I'm done with this! I'm done with using you, I'm not leading you on anymore! You don't mean anything to me!" I haven't been subject to something so publicly humiliating since the shit my adoptive mom used to yell at me.

(Anyone catching the symmetry? I date men that treat me the way my adoptive parents do!)

For a couple months I was truly free. He was done with me, and I got over it. My heart stopped aching for him, and I worked on me. I started dating nice men, kind men.. Men who took me on dates because they wanted a real conversation with me. Although I couldn't love them, my heart was glowing.

Then Double D called me. I came running, tripped on my love for him, and fell back into the hole. Now he's hiding again.. He refuses to get help with his addictions, and I'm still not well enough to not need abuse.

This story never seems to end, I'm not sure what I'd do if it did.

*Cheers*