I was out with my best friend, helping her be comfortable in a social situation. We had some drinks, and hours later 2 white males decided that I wasn't ok to drive. 2 white males, who don't know me, made a decision for the helpless Asian girl. I hated that. It bothered me because I was 100% ok to drive. My "Asian glow" is an allergy, I glow from a sip of wine, it is not an indicator that I'm wasted. My friend liked one of the guys, and she hangs out with white people, so she took no offense.. But I did. Part of why I was annoyed is because of what's been running through my head the last couple weeks.
I am terrified.
I am terrified of slipping into a spell of depression, or slipping into old addictive behavior. My friends aren't as mentally healthy as I am. They do not trigger me, but when I see them getting sicker or giving into their cycle of addictive behavior.. It makes me scared of the "what ifs". What if I slip up and nail some dude instead of coping with a trigger? What if I *actually* drive home wasted after a night of clubbing?
What if I slip into depression and do nothing except sleep and have migraines?
What if I feel so low I start driving around, and undo my seat belt?
What if I drive until I'm parked in front of my last abuser's house? What if I let myself inside, walk downstairs, and go lay in bed with him.. And sumit to him hurting me sexually abusing me. What if that time he beats the shit out of me, like he has other girls.. What if he beats me so bad he rips out a lock of my hair and writes my name on his rape list, like he has other girls..
I've been feeling so scared of the what ifs, because I know... I know that *everyone* slips up in addiction. And I don't want to, I really really do not want to slip up. I want better for myself. I know I am healthy, and I know I am coping well with being healthy.
But last night was a bad night.. Last night I was having coctails with people I hated, playing on my phone out of incredible boredom, and then my phone started to ring.. I thought, "Ooo, Who could this mystery person be?". As soon as I slid my finger across the screen, it hit me, it knocked the air out of me, debilitating like the slow motion of being caught under fire in war..
It was Double D's number.
Just when I am so sure I'm healthy, that I'm terrified of relapsing, that.. That *thing* has to call me. He asked me what I was doing and who I was with. I told him none of that mattered, that he sounded drunk, and I had to go. I hung up, and true to form he didn't call back.
I am so angry at him for calling. I felt so far away from my abusers! I've been tackling my memories of abuse in reprocessing therapy! I have been doing so fucking good without abusers in my life!! I kick ass when hiking and at the gym everyday, I've been so successful in making all kinds of healthy and amazing plans! I opened my heart to a kind man, for the first time.
But that bastard had to call me, and you just can't move.. You can't out run your past. When I run I feel like nothing can touch me, but when I went hiking this morning all I could worry about was tripping. Tripping over what? It was freshly cleared trails, and fun new hiking boots. I guess I've been thrown, and now I'm scared of tripping over my past. I didn't feel a pull to him at all, but I felt so sad knowing how much control he had over me for 3 years. It's like a bug that's burrowed into my brain again, trying to devour all the healthy tissue, and infecting me with memories of how truly gruesome and horrible it was with Double D.
I'm trying to get my head cleared. I'm focusing how much my heart has grown, that I accepted Apple. How delightful the trails have been and will be all summer. How incredibly stoked I am to ski this winter! How much I love conditioning every day. How much my stomach has shrunk, and I can't eat anywhere near as much as I used too. I eat like a bird compared to my best friend! Everything I've been doing and aiming to do is pretty amazing.. I'm proud of myself.
But I'm scared of tripping..