Tuesday, 19 August 2014

The Sky Is Falling, Again.

Hello Readers. I feel really alone, and hopeless, and reckless, and I'm trying. I. Trying so hard to keep getting better, but I've hit this huge wall. And I don't have a support group.

I'm not as close to the KADs as I would like to be, but I'm not sure I can really be super close with any of them. I guess I'm just too young to expect more than hanging out at group calendar events. That sucks,

Double D isn't speaking to me again. For the second time he's freaked out and threw me out of his life. Part of me hates that I'm trying to get better, and he's not! I thought all the stuff with him stemmed from my adoptive dad, and part of that is true. But I stay with him, fighting, hoping, begging for him to finally see me for a change. It's exactly like my relationship with my adoptive mom. 

School. I feel like I should give up on any education.

Finding a new job is still a struggle. I don't have the grit to really hang with environmental activists. I don't have the morals to work in high end retail and corporate offices.. But I was raised in that world, I know it well, and I have the personality for it. I have all the 3 piece suits, nice dresses, and sweater sets for it. Maybe some us were just meant to die in a suit. Just let the black cloth snuff your light out. 

I know I'm young. I know I am only 23, and that finding myself is a joke at this age. But I need to know now.

My birthmother was 24 when she was raped, got pregnant, had me, and then gave up her first child. I turn 24 this year. I was born on February 24th. It's my golden birthday and the same age my mother was, and realizing this has been killing me for weeks. I haven't even told my therapist yet. 

I am here, but I am drowning again. I'm screaming, and crying, and gasping for air.

I am terrified.

*Cheers*

Friday, 25 July 2014

Sex Addiction.

Hello Readers. I wrote this post last Saturday, but I've been afraid to upload it. I've wondered what my friends will think. I've worried about possible employers reading this. I'm scared of what my new KAD friends will think of me.. What Double D will think of my new ailment.

Many of you have expressed concern from my last post, so let's start out with: Yes, sex addiction is a real form of negative coping like using drugs, alcohol, or self mutilation. I do agree with my therapist, that lately my sex positive lifestyle hasn't been a 100% positive. For a clear example of this wreckless coping behavior: I was out with KADs last Friday night, and right at 2am I drove myself home. As I made my way back I tried calling Double D. Twice, but his phone was dead..

My heart sunk. I wanted him to answer, or finally have a real voice machine set up.. I wanted to hear his voice. I missed him. And as I drove further in these thoughts of heart ache I have rarely experienced.. I passed a semi truck. It was pulled over with bright orange triangles out. I'm sure the driver was indeed of some emergency sleep, but I thought.. "Right there. There's a man, and I know he would want me. He wouldn't say no. I don't care what he looks like, I just need it hard till my whole body hurts.." That's when my eyes started to well up. That is the exact thoughts of a sex addict.

Instead of a bottle, or pills, or a razor blade.. I find a man. I find high risk sexual behavior. It's scary because I do live a sex-positive lifestyle. Meaning all sex is safe, consensual, and shameless. But lately.. when I have sex it's to cover up the heart ache. To feel something I can deal with vs feeling something I don't know how to deal with. It's escape, and time leaps, and it's as terrifying as being molested.. It's like you're molesting yourself, you're numb.

Thankfully I got a grip and didn't pull over to the truck. Thankfully I cranked up James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover", and worked on mindfully accepting it's ok to miss someone. It's perfectly acceptable to still be reeling from a loss. When I parked at home, I took a minute to sit in my car and just be sad. I looked up at the bright half moon, and suddenly I started paying attention to my music.

"It's disgusting, how I love you.
God, I hate me. I could kill you.
Cause your messing up my name.
Gotta walk my talk my fame, but I just want to touch your face.
It's disgusting.
It's disgusting, how you changed me.
From a bandit to a baby."

It reminded me how a month ago I told him I wouldn't bring him to a KAD event, because I didn't want them to meet him just for him to disappear. I wish I had told him the bigger reasons.. That he is one of the most important people in my life, and I would love for him to meet my new KAD friends. But I was scared showing him how important he was would scare him off. There's a lot of things I wish I had said, but never did..

I should have helped see his parents off every time they went on a trip. I should have gone to brunch with them when he asked. I should have ask him to come when my adoptive parents wanted him to come to dinner. I should have made him feel as safe with me, as I wanted to feel with him.

Last time I felt anything like this I was 15. My 15 year old boyfriend and I had lost our virginities to each other, then a few weeks later he turned his phone off all weekend. Then he sent a bunch of long texts breaking up with me. To be fair the kid was becoming an alcoholic. Of course Double D is a high functioning alcoholic, so there's that. I've never experienced a break up that I haven't wanted before, and I don't know how to handle it.

I am finally mentally ready to love, to share my happiness with someone. I'm bettering myself in so many ways, but my heart hurts so damn much all the god damn time! My heart hurts so much that it'd rather be used up in meaningless brutal sex, than have to deal with not holding his hand. I wish I understood this kind of heart ache better. 

Right now I feel like my heart is on fire. I am so full of passion and ready to pour it all out for him. I wish I could give him everything I should have said and done and supported him, so he would know how much he mattered. So he would know I loved him. He's been deeper into my heart than anyone.. Now that I've been burned so badly, I'm scared I'll never let someone in that deep again.

***

I know when I see him next, I'll be as cold as when we first met. I'll deny I loved him. I'll deny him leaving me broke my heart. I'll deny any of it was special. I'll act like none of it was real.. I won't even tell him how much I miss my best friend. I need to protect myself again, and start replacing 2 years of fallen walls.

Ultimately, the new bricks I lay down won't matter. I can deny being heartbroken all I want, but the truth has been stated right here: I am crying my eyes out over a boy, and I am being treated for sex addiction.

I fell so hard for him Readers.. And I don't know how to get back up.


*Cheers*

Monday, 14 July 2014

F/23 Single Sexaholic Seeks: A Romantic Gym Partner.

Hello Readers. It's been a long time. I've been pretty emotional, and have had a lot of downs lately. I'm trying really extra hard in therapy, and running 3 miles a day to get healthy. It's perfectly chilly out today, and for me sweater weather is good writing weather. Let's dive in, I've missed you all dearly.

To get it out of the way, I am now romantically and emotionally single, Double D left me last week. After 2 years of me not being ready and asking for space, he's ready to better himself on his own. I know it's psychologically healthiest for him and even for me, but that does not make me stop loving him. He has completely blocked me out.. He wanted outer space, and we all deserve to chase unending stars.

Now for the good stuff.

Therapy is going great! I'm working on more reprocessing therapy to break down the emotional power I allow white men to have over me. When I have an emotional connection to a white male, his thoughts of me matter more than my views of myself. Even if I know he doesn't think of me negatively, and I don't think of me negatively, I still feel it. And it makes me feel like utter shit like fights with my adoptive mom. Probably because me and my adoptive dad don't talk enough to have fights.

Working on this has been a work out for my emotions, especially how I romantically relate to men. Intimacy and romance.. Doesn't absolutely terrify me anymore. I want sunny, warm, happy, giggling romance. And with every hug, kiss, smile, and early morning dash from their bed to my work I want to feel it bubble up and bloom ^_^

Also, my sexcapades of me having sex how men have sex to take back the power that was molested away from me.. Well there's been a recent spike in the amounts of partners I have. My therapist said, "Wow. Ok Morgan, that is a lot of sex. I think we can safely say you're a sex addict." I can totally still have sex, as long as I don't seek it being I'm bored or upset. Really we don't think of it as a big addiction problem. I'm using some thing I normally use to build up my personal power, as a coping behavior. As long has I cope in a mindful way, and build sexual powerful separately, it's fine.

So there's that, ha. *cough cough*

Now that you can see my mental health is fairing well, or at least being delt with healthily. Let's catch up on the birthsearch. This should take 10 seconds. I'm still, waiting for my American case worker to come back from her trip in Korea. She's bringing back my searching letter and photos, I will then update the letter and photos. From there we'll submit the new search. Boring I know, Tada.

Shall we end on some good healthy feels?

This past week I've been running 3 miles everyday, eating much healthier, and just feeling damn great! I'm really motivated and excited to loose 150lb, so I'll be a sweet little 90lb girl. Now I'm Korean, 5'1", and only 23. 90lb is not crazy. In all honesty I probably won't be a 90lb girl, because I do want some muscle and shit. And for those of you struggle to do the math I am currently 240lb.

The combination of working out everyday, eating healthy food, controlled amounts of food, gluten free when possible, lactose free, kimchi everyday, but not depriving myself of the goods.. I am feeling pretty awesome! 

So that's it for this post guys. All in all I'm feeling focused, ready to open the happy, and pretty damn good ^_^. Also, thank you for being so great! I love being candid with you all in my posts, and my emails back to you. If you need anything, have questions, or comments please feel free to contact me on Twitter and Gmail @KangSunLee1991


*Cheers*

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Room For Marriage?

Hello Readers. Yesterday I had a real perfect day.. I felt so truly content and just happy. I spent the morning and early afternoon with KADs at a BBQ to kick off our summer events. Then I hit the water park at Mall of America with a few white friends. Finally I rounded off the evening with dinner and park time with one of my best gal pals. But a couple friends had asked me the same question: If I could ever see myself fully committing to someone in marriage. Before today I had always said yes and that it was something I wanted. Now I'm not so sure about the yes.

Why am I scared of relationships now? There's a number of reasons that any person could have, but then there's reasons that are just me. I am scared that no one will love me enough for me to stay with them. I'm scared that no one will love me enough to make up for the loss of my birth mother.. I know it's not a husband's job to do, but I'm not sure if I'll ever let go of her enough to make room for a husband. I fear I will always love her more and put her first. Letting her go so that my relationships can move forward is terrifying. It's like letting her slip through my fingers to hold someone else's hand. That just feels... So wrong.

I have this feeling I'll never find her or any of my birthfamily, and on some level I can accept that. But letting things go to move forward makes the little girl inside of me scream, what if I compleat loose my mother? As a young adult I know that letting my birthmother go a little would be incredibly healthy, but little KangSun just refuses it.

At the rate I'm letting go, I'll never have a free hand for someone to marry.

*Cheers*

Friday, 9 May 2014

Mother's Day Weekend 2014.

Hello Readers. Do you know what this weekend is? It's Mother's Day on Sunday. As a kid I had to celebrate it (as well as Father's Day), but as a young adult I sneak out of it. In the case of my adoptive family's situation I don't feel comfortable celebrating such holidays. But I also hate birthdays and Christmas. This weekend my adoptive mom flew in my pregnant adoptive sister. They have the whole weekend planned with dinners, shopping, and ending with brunch with my maternal adoptive grandma.

They have the whole weekend planned.

My adoptive mom keeps texting me updates, and I just.. I simply don't feel like I belong to any of these family outings, and it makes me really sad. Yesterday I was talking to my therapist racking my brain as to why my adoptive mom was flying her out when she'd be flying out to see the baby in summer. Then it hit me; my adoptive sister is going to be *a mother*.  I don't feel like a sister or an aunt, and I didn't even realize my adoptive sister as a mother-to-be. That's how disconnected to her I am.

I am so friggen stressed over seeing her at Sunday brunch that.. I can't sleep at all. The other night I cut off 3 small pieces of my skin. The person she is when she's not under someone's thumb, when she is so comfortable she's being weirder than me.. That's the funny silly creeper I miss.

I grew up with this woman, only four years apart, and we have become compleat strangers. All we have in common now is the paperwork.

I miss my birthmother..

This sucks.

*Cheers*

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Birthsearch: Revamped.

Hello Readers! Last night I made a big decision regarding my birth search. I am very excited to tell you about it, but first let me get you up to speed on the last 8 months.

When I got back from Korea I was so upset I ignored the emails from my American case worker. I finally read them at the end of October and she told me I order return my search to active, if have to get my paper work in the next shipment to Korea. This meant I had to get it all done by Halloween, and bring my paperwork in the next morning. Instead I got scared, called Double D, and promptly totaled my car. (Also maybe you readers made the connection of my paper working being due and me wanting to seeing Double D, but NONE of my friends did.) After that I never got back to my American case worker, and have been ignoring my "inactive search". 

When I was in Korea and met with my Korean case worker, Mrs.Hong, she told me new things about my case like how my grandmother knew about me and was there for my mother. She had this big thick file in front of us.. My file.. And I wish I had just taken it and run down the street and hopped in a cab. I've been kicking myself for the past 8 months for not doing that.

*Now here's the latest my search*

Last night I finally emailed my American case worker, and told her it's game on! I asked her to send me all the paper work I needed, and the guidelines for writing letters and sending photos. I am compleat lay revamping every aspect of my search. I also asked her to connect me with all parts of the Korean media. I want my face out there, I want my story out there, because somewhere is a person who knows me. How amazing and terrifying is that!? Somewhere in Korea is someone who knows who I am.

Last time I was going to do this I got freaked out and thought holding someone's hand would make it easier. But I totaled my car, and while after we could all joke it was a universal sign about me and Double B.. Maybe it was a universal sign that I need to do this search alone. I can't find my birthmother with only one hand, while the other is holding onto a boy for support. 

This time I am my own support. With no romance to hold one hand back, I am going in with both fists punching! I have so many other things to share with you all, but that will have to be in the next blog.

*Cheers*

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

First Trip Home. [Part One]

Hello Readers. I know that for months I've promised to start talking about what happened in Korea.. And I haven't yet. I haven't with anyone because it hurts so much to think of the loneliness, the humiliation, and the lack of acceptance that happened there.

I did talk to a fellow adoptee, Big M, a few times during the trip.. He told me that being in Korea would never be perfect, that I needed to focus on the good that happened. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it further and for now I just wanted to be mad, and angry, and hurt. I think the only person in my life that has a real sense of what happened there is my adoptive mom. She was one of the few people that wasn't in this fish tank with me. I could send her emails filled with screams, swearing, and anger. Even though her words were nothing helpful and even triggering, I needed to vent. I knew she could handle it, angry me is about the only side of me she response to.

It got to the point that I was begging for my adoptive parents to change my flight and get me a ticket back to the states.. Because there were weekends when I stayed in my form alone and just cried over all the drama between the adoptees. Not even Double D knows what really happened in Korea. I don't think I even fully expressed my low points to the adoptees I met there who are now long life friends.

I do love Korea, it is my home.. But it's a love hate relationship, with constant self explanation and cultural negotiation. I am ready to talk about what really happened in Korea. I'm not sure if I'll be posting it all on here quite yet. However, I am ready to start talking about it with my therapist. From there maybe a friend or two, maybe a Double D or something. For now I wanted you guys know that my silence on the subject wasn't forever. It was a bandaid to hold off the blood until I was ready to deal with the pain.

I've been back in the states for 8 months now, and it's time to take off the bandages and deal with the scars.

*Cheers*