Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Birthsearch: Revamped.

Hello Readers! Last night I made a big decision regarding my birth search. I am very excited to tell you about it, but first let me get you up to speed on the last 8 months.

When I got back from Korea I was so upset I ignored the emails from my American case worker. I finally read them at the end of October and she told me I order return my search to active, if have to get my paper work in the next shipment to Korea. This meant I had to get it all done by Halloween, and bring my paperwork in the next morning. Instead I got scared, called Double D, and promptly totaled my car. (Also maybe you readers made the connection of my paper working being due and me wanting to seeing Double D, but NONE of my friends did.) After that I never got back to my American case worker, and have been ignoring my "inactive search". 

When I was in Korea and met with my Korean case worker, Mrs.Hong, she told me new things about my case like how my grandmother knew about me and was there for my mother. She had this big thick file in front of us.. My file.. And I wish I had just taken it and run down the street and hopped in a cab. I've been kicking myself for the past 8 months for not doing that.

*Now here's the latest my search*

Last night I finally emailed my American case worker, and told her it's game on! I asked her to send me all the paper work I needed, and the guidelines for writing letters and sending photos. I am compleat lay revamping every aspect of my search. I also asked her to connect me with all parts of the Korean media. I want my face out there, I want my story out there, because somewhere is a person who knows me. How amazing and terrifying is that!? Somewhere in Korea is someone who knows who I am.

Last time I was going to do this I got freaked out and thought holding someone's hand would make it easier. But I totaled my car, and while after we could all joke it was a universal sign about me and Double B.. Maybe it was a universal sign that I need to do this search alone. I can't find my birthmother with only one hand, while the other is holding onto a boy for support. 

This time I am my own support. With no romance to hold one hand back, I am going in with both fists punching! I have so many other things to share with you all, but that will have to be in the next blog.

*Cheers*

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

First Trip Home. [Part One]

Hello Readers. I know that for months I've promised to start talking about what happened in Korea.. And I haven't yet. I haven't with anyone because it hurts so much to think of the loneliness, the humiliation, and the lack of acceptance that happened there.

I did talk to a fellow adoptee, Big M, a few times during the trip.. He told me that being in Korea would never be perfect, that I needed to focus on the good that happened. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it further and for now I just wanted to be mad, and angry, and hurt. I think the only person in my life that has a real sense of what happened there is my adoptive mom. She was one of the few people that wasn't in this fish tank with me. I could send her emails filled with screams, swearing, and anger. Even though her words were nothing helpful and even triggering, I needed to vent. I knew she could handle it, angry me is about the only side of me she response to.

It got to the point that I was begging for my adoptive parents to change my flight and get me a ticket back to the states.. Because there were weekends when I stayed in my form alone and just cried over all the drama between the adoptees. Not even Double D knows what really happened in Korea. I don't think I even fully expressed my low points to the adoptees I met there who are now long life friends.

I do love Korea, it is my home.. But it's a love hate relationship, with constant self explanation and cultural negotiation. I am ready to talk about what really happened in Korea. I'm not sure if I'll be posting it all on here quite yet. However, I am ready to start talking about it with my therapist. From there maybe a friend or two, maybe a Double D or something. For now I wanted you guys know that my silence on the subject wasn't forever. It was a bandaid to hold off the blood until I was ready to deal with the pain.

I've been back in the states for 8 months now, and it's time to take off the bandages and deal with the scars.

*Cheers*

Monday, 24 March 2014

My Trip Home & Therapy.

Hello Readers. I know that for months I've been saying I'm going to start talking about what happened in Korea.. And I haven't yet. I haven't with anyone because it hurts so much to think of the loneliness, the humiliation, and the lack of acceptance that happened there.

I did talk to a fellow adoptee, Big M, a few times during the trip.. He told me that being in Korea would never be perfect, that I needed to focus on the good that happened. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it further and for now I just wanted to be mad, and angry, and hurt. I think the only person in my life that has a real sense of what happened there is my adoptive mom. She was one of the few people that wasn't in this fish tank with me. I could send her emails filled with screams, swearing, and anger and it's a side of Morgan that she's used too.. Even though her words were nothing helpful and even triggering, I needed to vent. I knew she could handle it. 

It got to the point that I was begging her to change my flight and get me a ticket back to the states. Begging her and my adoptive dad to please get me state side.. Not even Double D knows what really happened in Korea. I don't think I even fully expressed my low points to the adoptees I met there who are now long life friends.

I do love Korea, it is my home.. But it's a love hate relationship, with constant self explanation and cultural negotiation. I am ready to talk about what really happened in Korea. I'm not sure if I'll be posting it all on here quite yet, but I am going to start talking about it with my therapist. From there maybe a friend or two, maybe a Double D or something.

I thought I should let you guys know that my silence on the subject wasn't forever. It was nearly a bandaid to hold off the blood until I was ready.

*cheers*

Monday, 24 February 2014

Dear Mother, 23rd Anniversary.

Dear Mother --

Today I'm 23. That's 23 years older, wiser, and missing you dearly. When thinking of our heartbreaking goodbye 23 years ago, I always listen to "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World. You feel like this perfect glowing angle and a haunting ghost. You are why I wake when the sun rises, and you are my dreams when the sunsets. I think the world of you, and I want you to know that you made the right choice. Of course I'd give anything to have grown up with you in my life, and I'd jump off a cliff in hopes of flying to be with you right now.. But I know you did what you had to do, I will forever love you for that. 

Happy anniversary Mother,
I hope you're lots in thoughts of me too.

- KangSun

23rd Birthday.

Hello Readers. Today I turn 23, and it's been the most filling year of my life. So much has happened, been accepted, and tried. I got my license, fell in love, learned what a job was, and most importantly I went back home to Korea..

This year has been filled with tears as wide as the Han river, smiles bursting with sunshine, and even real feelings of friendship. But even with all the warmth I have to celebrate, there is still permafrost devouring my heart. Today also marks 23 years without my birthmother.

Generally I start my birthday off with a free morning coffee, and a blog. I like to be alone in the morning so I can use every second to be mindful of my life. I give myself time to reflect and mourn the lost years of my birthmother. This day is more special than something as simple as a birthday. It's the first day we met, a day only she remembers, a day I can only dream about. It's also the day we had to loose each other..

When the late afternoon hits I do whatever I have planned with friends. This year I'm meeting L.N. for my free birthday Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's. She's a lovely lady I've know for 7 years; I'm excited to see her on my birthday and gab. After I'll see Double D and I'm feeling on keeping everything low key today. I'm thinking we order Tak Shing and watch My Sassy Girl, or maybe go get Insomnia Cookies ^^.

On Wednesday I'm meeting my favorite pals at The Varsity Theater to get down to some DJ hipster jams. There will me s'mores cupcakes, and my famously potent jello ^_~.

Normally I hate my birthday, but the past 2 years.. I feel a little happy to be around, even a pinch happy.

*Cheers* 

Thursday, 6 February 2014

My Birthmother & Little Kang.

Hello Readers. My birthmother is my hot topic of everyday life. She's this epic dream I've been wishing for since I was a baby. I feel like she's in a coma and all I have to do is wake her up, but it is so goddamn hard to wake her up. She's just lost somewhere in her brain, sleeping.. She's like a ghost to me and when I cry and scream all I can do is hope some of it gets through the static to her..

I know I need to grow up and move on, but Kang is the little Korean girl inside of me.. And she's terrified of caring about other things. I don't want to let go of that little girl's hand.. I am the only person who has ever held it, and if I let Kang go she could be lost forever sobbing for her mother. I know it's absurd, but letting life progress without my mother terrifies me. I know I don't need her in my life to be an adult, but.. I wish I hadn't grown up without her. I wish I could call her up and ask how to be an adult.

I can't keep dreaming of a ghost everyday anymore. I have to let little Kang go and allow the adult me to step into life. I can't keep living every goddamn moment in the darkness of being sad, depressed, and angry.. It's completely exhausting.

Naturally I'm taking all this turmoil out on my white friends, and Double D. Being so scared and insecure of letting this dream go gets acted out as me being an extra dick about everything that adult me is sure of and believes in. Like dreaming of a utopia is stupid because everyone is a lying asshole, Best Buy is downsizing in ways the public has yet to understand, and I need people's feelings stated in words and actions to accept that they care.

Also, because I know I'll get a bunch of emails from white people, adoptive parents, as well as my white friends who all think they have "relatable insight" on this, you don't. You just don't This IS NOT like giving up pokemon cards or your baby blanket.

I want to scream. I wish I had branched out and became friends with adoptees my own age. I wish I could talk to an adoptee going through letting their childhood fantasies go..

I'm facing giving up on my dream, my ghost mother, in order to move forward and start living. We all need to grow up one day, but what's the difference between giving up and growing up?

*Cheers*

Thursday, 30 January 2014

Buried Alive.

Hello Readers. Everything in my life has changed.

At work for they told me I had 2 choices: Go all in and really try to make a home, or get fired at the end of the month. Of course I go out of my way to stay cold and never stay for long, so I put in my 2 weeks. I have a couple weird options going, but mostly I've started looking for men's retail jobs. Yesterday was my last day. Hurray!

School makes me want to scream and I don't want to talk about it. I will say I'm seeing my therapist again on a weekly basis, and I love her to bits.

Things are a roller coaster with Double D. A lot of stuff built up and hit the fan, there was an explosion, and then silence for 2 months. We talked it out last night. While being vulnerable is scary, we both want monogamy, so we're trying the relationship thing again. This time we're going in slow and understanding there is a learning curve.

I still haven't restarted my search, but today I'm drafting a new letter to my birth mother. I'm also taking new pictures, and will finally hand all this to my case worker. Speaking of adoptee stuff, me and a couple girls from the trip have remained very close. It's hard to be vulnerable and let other adoptees know how insane I am, but it's good to know they understand when I'm half crying for chicken and beer. They are my ladies and I hope we can all meet up this summer ^_^

I want to apologize for not being around since Korea. I just don't want to think about Korea, or making a home, or anything that entails moving on from that trip. I'm scared this second search will yield nothing, and that will only pushing moving on closer to the present.

I can't imagine saying goodbye to the woman I never got to have in my life. I know holding out on this dream makes the rest of my life seem like a nightmare. I got fired after a year at work, not because I'm a fucking idiot who doesn't know how to develop her skills to be better.. But because I refused to want to be there, to try, to care about any of my coworkers. 

Caring about things and making little homes pushes my mother further away. I've refused being a team player and letting anyone in my whole life, because I'm scared to let anyone fill in the holes she left. Caring about things other than her, letting other priorities fill those holes.. It buries her alive..

But I am going to try so hard to allow myself to care about other parts of my life and the people in it. That's the real change here.

Cheers.