Wednesday, 28 January 2015

The Double D Cycle.

Hello Readers. As much as I boast and do love being single, most of you know that I've been in somewhat of a relationship for the past couple years. Rocky, on and off, physically abusive, deeply meaningful.. And with the little appeal it has, I haven't been able to completely walk away before. Let's start from the beginning 2 years ago at CONvergence 2012.

It was my first of many many conventions, and I had an online date set up. I was on the porch to meet the guy, when Double D walked up. I felt so bad that I let him talk, until I really had to cut him off and meet my date. Double D directed me to the other porch where my date was waiting. Call it destiny, the red string's pull, but I ended up being at the right place at the right time. Like "My Sassy Girl" I had met a man from the future.

We talked once or twice that weekend, Facebook adds, and gave him my number. For the next 3 months he would call or text asking me to coffee, to party with his friends, or to just talk. I finally caved, and thus started a friendship. From the first night we met up we both felt something there, special even. I had just gotten out of a 3 year long abusive relationship. I did not want another boyfriend. I wanted to work on myself. But Double D didn't really respect that..

After we both finally admitted to having feelings, he'd always tell me how wrong I was. That he wanted one special girl to make him happy again, and that I could grow in a relationship. Eventually we got to a point where we'd kiss when no one was looking, he'd always come home to my bed, but we were not together. We could do whatever, screw whoever, be open that we liked each other, but have zero obligation to one another. I told him a million times it couldn't go on forever..

When I turned 22 I took pictures of us in the car. I went to delete the bad ones and saw a photo I hadn't taken. In the shot I was asleep laying on my tummy. He had pulled down my blanket, pulled up my sleeping shirt, to reveal my lace panties.. He took a nonconsentual nude photo of me! I deleted it, along with all photos of me. I spent the rest of my birthday silently freaking out over how a friend that I deeply trusted had sexually violated me. Like everything else, we got passed it.

**We ended up hitting points where he couldn't handle his shit, freak out, and hide from everyone for months.
***We hit points where he'd straight up tell me how worthless I am to other guys. That no one, but him found me attractive or gave a shit about me. That all other guys only used me for sex.
****We got to a point where he sexually assaulted me every time I saw him.
*****We got to a point where he was screaming, and smacking me across the face.

While he was hitting me, I just took it. I tried to hold his hands and ask why he was doing this. That violence was not telling me anything, he needed to use words. #IAmNotAVictim #YesAllWoman He finally calmed down, and I just laid back and cried. I got up, washed me face, and we talked. A couple days later I told him that I couldn't trust him, he broke every bit of trust, and if he didn't get help we were done. He flipped out about how hitting me was him sticking up for himself. Then radio silence for another month.

In true fashion to us I always I'd show up to him sleeping all day in bed, or he'd call at 2am wasted. Things would go back to "normal", until one of us was upset, he'd flip out, and he'd leave me again. He's always leaving me, punishing me.

Flash to this past summer at CONvergence 2014. He's yelling and pushing me away. It was so deviating.. I could feel my chest bursting as I sobbed for him to stop being mean, to "Please please stop acting like this! You've never spoken to me like this before! Please just stop and talk to me!"

He literally left me in the street.
On the ground.
Begging for him.

I was screaming and crying for him to stop, while he pushed me away shouting, "We don't end up together! This never felt right! Stop, I'm done with this! I'm done with using you, I'm not leading you on anymore! You don't mean anything to me!" I haven't been subject to something so publicly humiliating since the shit my adoptive mom used to yell at me.

(Anyone catching the symmetry? I date men that treat me the way my adoptive parents do!)

For a couple months I was truly free. He was done with me, and I got over it. My heart stopped aching for him, and I worked on me. I started dating nice men, kind men.. Men who took me on dates because they wanted a real conversation with me. Although I couldn't love them, my heart was glowing.

Then Double D called me. I came running, tripped on my love for him, and fell back into the hole. Now he's hiding again.. He refuses to get help with his addictions, and I'm still not well enough to not need abuse.

This story never seems to end, I'm not sure what I'd do if it did.

*Cheers*

The Second Rape.

Hello Readers. My birthmother had her human rights violated. She was raped. And then second raped by how her social culture and government handles single mothers and victims of sex crimes.. I know how it feels.

When I think about every boy and man that sexually assaulted me, sodomized me, molested me, raped me.. I think about how my mother must have felt. I was able to keep it a "secret" most of my life, even though it was happening every week by multiple offenders, for years. She had it happen once, but 3 months later there was so way of keeping it a secret. I was inside her, further violating her.

She was raped and got outed, betrayed by her body and by her daughter. I outed myself to give other woman a stronger voice. To tell Asian woman that it's ok to speak out against the sexual violence our race faces more than any other race.

But lately.. Speaking out has started to isolate me.

I'm pretty open with everyone that I have a lot of casual sex. Sex isn't a big deal to me, and I'm not a relationship person. Any emotional value I would have being that close someone was raped away from me. I enjoy sex in a free and open manner. It gives me back my sexual power; Power that was stolen when I was a little girl.

When I say yes, it means yes.
When I say stop, it stops.
I think that's a pretty damn awesome power to have for a change!

The week of National Human Rights Day, a KAD posted in a singles Facebook group about sex being just sex vs making love. Since this was a group of people that know what happened to me as a kid, and how I was raped and groomed to what my sexuality is now.. People that told me I was "brave to share"... I was completely free in answering sex vs making love.

For me sex is just an action. Regardless of my feelings or lack of feelings towards the guy, it's only an action for me. I psychologically cannot feel emotional during sex. Plus I don't want to feel "emotionally vulnerable" in order to have sex with someone. I'd be super freaked out if I ever felt "vulnerable" during sex, emotional or otherwise. I NEVER want to feel vulnerable at the hands of someone EVER AGAIN. I closed with stating I'm more of a "hit it and quit it" kind of person.

(FYI: Consentual and casual sex between strangers is perfectly acceptable)

Then another KAD said something that in this day and age, I find to be unthinkable. They deemed my sexuality "unacceptable" and something they would "not tolerate" of a man and especially of a woman. This KAD thought it was perfectly ok to violate my human rights to sexual tolerance, sexual freedom, and human dignity. They dehumanized me by stating my lifestyle had less value than of another human's, especially of another woman's life. A statement that's not only anti-human, but also uber genderist.

HOW IN THE FUCK IS THAT OK?

I live in MN. We are the loudest state for gay rights. But apparently some of us don't understand that gay rights aren't just for gays. It's sexual tolerance and sexual freedom FOR EVERYONE. I know if I were gay and this KAD had deemed my sexuality "unacceptable", people would be flipping a shit. But because I'm a straight woman, it's still ok for someone to violate my human rights by slut shaming me. Fantastic!

What's worse is that I have to further explain what my sexuality is, and where it comes from. So I'm constantly defending myself as a rape victim, in order to explain how my sexuality came to be. VS no one chooses their sexuality and it's a human right to not be punished for their sexual lifestyle. This kind of social humiliation, degration, slut shaming, and victim blaming is known was "the second rape". 

The Second Rape is a term by psychologists, sociologists, and law enforcement to account the negative social backlash sex victims face after they speak out. This includes the countless time they're made to retell the event, answering questions about their personal sex lives, being slut shamed, facing supporters of their rapist, and victim blaming. Unfortunately as long as someone knows about the offensive, as long as I keep speaking out.. The second rape never ends..

It's like being a recovering addict; you are ALWAYS recovering.

Also, yes I did report this incident to the Facebook group owner/admin. "...thank you for being so open. Unfortunately openness often means also getting hurt in today's world of social media." Basically another KAD thinking it's cool to second rape me, is just a byproduct of using the internet. This a closed group, only for KADs, to talk about all aspects of relationships, in an open and safe environment, where we'll actually just slut shame you. Awesome.

I have never regretted speaking out, I still don't. But I honestly didn't think a fellow KAD would be so excited about second raping me. You'd think after seeing a group of people almost every week for an entire year, that at some point you'd just be apart of the group. At the very least there would be KAD to KAD respect that adoption was hard for everyone in different ways. You'd think there'd be some KAD understanding as to what it sexually means to be an Asian woman in a white man's world.

But instead I'm getting messages stating I'm being "overly sensitive", or that if I act like a whore *Blank KAD* has every right to call me out on it. The cherry is being told that I'm the one "getting into it" with *Blank KAD*, so while I'm welcomed to events they don't want me to "start drama". It's hard to believe that KADs in their 30s are saying that as a victim I'm behaving poorly. They're labeling me a deviant, while *Blank KAD* is given social grounds to rape me again.

Let's be clear! It's impossible to be "overly sensitive" when your human rights are publicly violated. "Acting like a whore" doesn't give anyone grounds to slut shame you. My reaction to being treated like a non-human IS NOT "drama". 

*** My human rights were violated. I have every right to be upset, to defend myself, and speak up for sex victims who are too scared to speak out for themselves. SLUT SHAMING AND VIOLATING SOMEONE'S SEXUAL RIGHTS ARE NOT OK. Everyone has the right to human dignity. Got it? Good.

*Cheers*

Saturday, 11 October 2014

It's 2014: STOP SLUT SHAMING!!

Hello Readers. Not often do I deviate from adoptee stuff and Asian stuff. But due to how my week has not been going.. These articles that promote slut shaming, and even for woman to slut shame themselves are really pissing me off. Especially when some of them are written by woman, but I'm only seeing men reposting. 

There's a few articles floating around about marketing tools to get ladies outdoors. They prose that female empowerment does not come from being naked on top of a mountain. All of the authors say being sexy is ok, but being over sexed or "letting" yourself  be viewed as a sex object isn't ok and that it's not feminist.

You know what is not feminist? Calling yourself a god damn feminist, by actively using that label you're saying all woman that don't identify as such are bad woman! I don't think any woman "let's herself" be objectified. Some people have sexual openness a lot of people would call "slutty". Some woman have been molested so many times, choosing to be bra-less takes back their sexual control. Being bra-less at summit is freer than the high of reaching the edge. BE YOURSELF.

This IS NOT a marketing problem. This IS NOT a female only problem. THIS IS American views on sexuality and gender roles, finally catching up with people. But these authors and re-posters are attacking how woman should view themselves, vs changing how everyone should view and treat woman. Self respect doesn't mean to hide your sexuality. It means be as sexy and nude as you want, the self respect kicks in when you don't let jerks slut shame you for it!

Be as naked as you want to be, hell strip on the top of a mountain! Do not let any man or woman slut shame you into saying all you're doing is letting yourself be objectified. Also, for you jerks that think female models just strip down, wear clothes that men make, and then get objectified in adds.. PLEASE FUCK OFF!!

I really doubt any high end brands or outfitting brands are making clothes so that woman will wear them and become better targets for sexual predictors. Getting sexually assaulted or viewed as only a sex object is not about the clothes you wear or why you wear them, it's 100% the thoughts of those viewing you. You are not responsible for others' thoughts. You are not "asking for it".

If you're into slut shaming, you're on my list of people who suck.

*Cheers*

Lakeville Schools: My Sexually Abusive Hell. [triggering]

Hello Readers. This week I was triggered by a few different jerks saying ignorant white boy things. This resulted me in crying for days. Not sleeping, constant weeping, helplessness.. About every sexual assault since I was a little girl. I know I've talked about this before. In fact I speak and write on it all the time, but what I don't do is feeeel it. I get angry, but never sad. I scream because I'm pissed. It's clinical, I don't let myself feel hurt. For once I really felt the emotional scars; I felt like a victim.

***
What are "ignorant white boy things"? It's saying  something that's racist because being a white male forces you to be racially ignorant. For example saying your sad for me because I don't feel romantic emotions during sex is not ok. You do not get to treat me like a victim. The people of your race and culture literally raped away me feeling love with sex. You do not, get to pitty me for the common social actions of your people. You do, get to own it and evoke racial and sexual change within your own people. Before all the white guys send out angry messages (gmail/twitter @KangSunLee1991 ^_< ):

1) Saying something racist, does not mean you are a racist. Not intending for your statement to be racist or even about race, does not mean that it's not racist or not about race.
2) Being ignorant does not mean you are stupid. It means you aren't capable of fully understanding something. As a white male you can never understand what it means to be a brown person.

***

For those of you that didn't grow up in Lakeville, it's a different kind of MN town. Most people call it a small version of Edina or Bloomington, but those cities are more spread out. This means there's all sorts of ethnic pockets hiding around town, but Lakeville is densely white. I shit you not, psychologists in the area make note of how extremely white Lakeville is. 

This is what I grew up with in Lakeville schools:

To my peer's.. To my adoptive sister's peers. We grew up in the same America. You were my classmates; we grew up together in the same town and neighborhoods. We had the same teachers and studied in the same classrooms. We shared desks and were lab partners.. But you were white and I was yellow. I grew up being publicly sexually assaulted, molested, and sexually humiliated threw out my attendance of the Lakeville school system.. Not by a teacher or staff, but by my classmates. Our peers, our friends, your siblings, boys from families we all knew.

It started in 4th grade and didn't stop till college. It was apart of my everyday life. I was groomed by many hands, and I got fucking used to it. I did not have a choice. For those of you who went to Lake Marion Elementary, let me take you to the old wooden playground...

After lunch we'd all run out, my friends and I ran to the big silver slide in front. It was connected to the jungle gym, and just behind that there was a big blue rope net. It was so fun to climb on and lay in.. The first time I was sexually assaulted I was standing in front of that net.. When my classmate grabbed me I looked directly up to the curb where one of the two playground staff stood. She was right there. He was grabbing me, hurting me, violating me, and I stared at her to do something, but she kept her gaze behind her black sunglasses.. She glanced around the playground, her head going side to side, not noticing me. It killed me! How could she miss me?

The next day I hide under the slide and cried. That was the first and last time I remember crying over being hurt. I remember her spotting me under there a few times, but she never walked over or said anything. At the time I was a little girl, amazed that no one had seen a thing, convinced that no one had seen nothing. My brain could not handle living in a world where people could see the worst and not try to help. But now I don't need to convince myself of anything to survive.

I have zero doubts. She saw me! Other kids saw me! He knows what he did! No one help me! No one stopped him! This set me up to be constintalty revitiumized for the rest of my life!! The scent never goes away, a predator can spot an Asian woman from a mile away, and if she's been abused before he can spot her from 10 miles away. I am lucky that I'm good at profiling, because some of the best profilers in the world are predictors.

While you were getting high fives in front of the tiled Panther in North's cafeteria, and enjoying pep rallies in South's giant glass gym, I was being dragged into stairwells and forced on my knees like a "good Asian girl". There was one time in particular.. The first time a classmate told me to get under the stairs was at Lakeville South. The school officer must have seen us ditching class on camera and started looking for us. We caught his reflection walking towards us in the glass. We stepped out. My makeup was wrecked. I was trembling with shame. My abuser was holding my hand. The school officer looked hard at my face, then told us, "Get to class".

In the theater the rule of thumb is if you can see the audience, they can see you. Step back from the side curtains or you're wrecking the illusion. Sometimes an audience member shouts that they can see a flouting head. But the rest of them stay silent, they try to keep the illusion going that it's characters not actors.. I wish someone had shouted out when they saw my head peeping through the curtain. But I'm an adult now, and I will gladly rip down the curtain for you! I want everyone to know what really happened back stage.

I always remember these 2 cases the best. I think it's because they are the only times I know for sure someone saw and knew something was wrong. I wonder how many classmates and staff members actually saw and knew it was bad. It happened so many times during school hours, school events, and even the places my friends and I hung out at on the weekends.

Is it at all possible no one saw? Or do white people really think this is what Asians are there for? Please think on this.. Please try to remember to when we were kids. Do you remember my round face flouting between curtains? Begging the audience for help.

You were white and I was Asian. We grew up in the same America. But I was treated differently because of my skin color, while you got high fives.

*Cheers*

Tuesday, 30 September 2014

A Word From My Cat.

Hello Readers. It's been just over a month, and so much has changed. Let's get to it.

First off, my adoptive (KAD) sister visited. That sucked. Her white husband and mixed baby came too. They didn't speak to me and I didn't speak to them, but from what I did hear around the house they have no clue their kid is half Asian. It makes me really sad to see interracial parents treat their children as if the white parental pushed out a white child on their own. I know have many adoptees that are popping out first babies and second babies, and I am so happy to see their kids eating Korean food! Or in the infants' case smelling kimchi mmm ^_^ Some of them even have Korean names! It's so great to see adoptees reclaiming their Korean culture and teaching their kids from birth.

With that shit out of the way here's was second: Korean Culture Camp. This summer the white Adoptive parents of the teen helpers didn't talk to me much. Which is fine because I have zero respect for their appropriation of my culture, and they show zero respect for me as an adult adoptee or as a brown person. The Korean teacher from 2 years ago that gave one of my kids a mental/emotional breakdown was still there. She yet again made kids uncomfortable, and was extremely unfair pinning the campers against each other. I will be applying to be a teacher next year. If they don't fire that bad teacher and finally hire me, I will quite KCC. There's plenty of other adoptee camps that want my level of experience.

What's next? DATING!! The last couple of months I've really been dating for romantic emotions vs penis feelings. Meaning No Romping On A First Date! This means I actually get to know a fella; there's a chance for me to give a shit about him. Where's Double D? In his car, extra wasted, with a half naked-unconscious girl in the passenger seat. Where is my heart? Excited over all the new things its been trying. I'm into meeting organically lovely men. Who knows where my tummy butterflies lead will to.

Lastly, Birth searching.. Still nothing great to tell you. My American caseworker is still waiting on the hard copy of my original search. But while we wait she sent me a digital copy of the letter I wrote.. I'm amazed over how much of it I find to be stupid and unimportant. There's so many things I want to tell my birthmother now that run deeper. Updating the search and then letting it float for the rest of my life.. This is one of the last legs of the journey. The one after this is saying goodbye and fully accepting.. She's gone.

On a lighter note: If you didn't know, I have a tubby black cat named Pumpkin. He says, 

"Cheers".

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

The Sky Is Falling, Again.

Hello Readers. I feel really alone, and hopeless, and reckless, and I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to keep getting better, but I've hit this huge wall. And I don't have a support group.

I'm not as close to the KADs as I would like to be, but I'm not sure I can really be super close with any of them. I guess I'm too young to expect more than hanging out at group calendar events. That sucks.

Double D isn't speaking to me again. For the second time he's freaked out and threw me out of his life. Part of me hates that I'm trying to get better, and he's not. I thought all the stuff with him stemmed from my adoptive dad, and part of that is true. I stay with him, fighting, hoping, begging for him to finally see me for a change. It's exactly like my relationship with my adoptive mom. 

School. I feel like I should give up on any education.

Finding a new job is still a struggle. I don't have the grit to really hang with environmental activists. I don't have the morals to work in high end retail and corporate offices.. But I was raised in that world, I know it well, and I have the personality for it. I have all the 3 piece suits, nice dresses, and sweater sets for it. Maybe some us were just meant to die in a suit. Just let the black cloth snuff your light out kids. This is why our parents drink. 

I know I'm young. I know I am only 23, and that finding myself is a joke at this age. But I need to know now.

My birthmother was 24 when she was raped, got pregnant, had me, and then gave up her first child. I turn 24 this year. I was born on February 24th. It's my golden birthday and the same age my mother was, and realizing this has been killing me for weeks. I haven't even told my therapist yet. 

I am here, but I am drowning again. I'm screaming, and crying, and gasping for air.

I am terrified.

*Cheers*

Friday, 25 July 2014

Sex Addiction.

Hello Readers. I wrote this post last Saturday, but I've been afraid to upload it. I've wondered what my friends will think. I've worried about possible employers reading this. I'm scared of what my new KAD friends will think of me.. What Double D will think of my new ailment.

Many of you have expressed concern from my last post, so let's start out with: Yes, sex addiction is a real form of negative coping like using drugs, alcohol, or self mutilation. I do agree with my therapist, that lately my sex positive lifestyle hasn't been a 100% positive. For a clear example of this wreckless coping behavior: I was out with KADs last Friday night, and right at 2am I drove myself home. As I made my way back I tried calling Double D. Twice, but his phone was dead..

My heart sunk. I wanted him to answer, or finally have a real voice machine set up.. I wanted to hear his voice. I missed him. And as I drove further in these thoughts of heart ache I have rarely experienced.. I passed a semi truck. It was pulled over with bright orange triangles out. I'm sure the driver was indeed of some emergency sleep, but I thought.. "Right there. There's a man, and I know he would want me. He wouldn't say no. I don't care what he looks like, I just need it hard till my whole body hurts.." That's when my eyes started to well up. That is the exact thoughts of a sex addict.

Instead of a bottle, or pills, or a razor blade.. I find a man. I find high risk sexual behavior. It's scary because I do live a sex-positive lifestyle. Meaning all sex is safe, consensual, and shameless. But lately.. when I have sex it's to cover up the heart ache. To feel something I can deal with vs feeling something I don't know how to deal with. It's escape, and time leaps, and it's as terrifying as being molested.. It's like you're molesting yourself, you're numb.

Thankfully I got a grip and didn't pull over to the truck. Thankfully I cranked up James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover", and worked on mindfully accepting it's ok to miss someone. It's perfectly acceptable to still be reeling from a loss. When I parked at home, I took a minute to sit in my car and just be sad. I looked up at the bright half moon, and suddenly I started paying attention to my music.

"It's disgusting, how I love you.
God, I hate me. I could kill you.
Cause your messing up my name.
Gotta walk my talk my fame, but I just want to touch your face.
It's disgusting.
It's disgusting, how you changed me.
From a bandit to a baby."

It reminded me how a month ago I told him I wouldn't bring him to a KAD event, because I didn't want them to meet him just for him to disappear. I wish I had told him the bigger reasons.. That he is one of the most important people in my life, and I would love for him to meet my new KAD friends. But I was scared showing him how important he was would scare him off. There's a lot of things I wish I had said, but never did..

I should have helped see his parents off every time they went on a trip. I should have gone to brunch with them when he asked. I should have ask him to come when my adoptive parents wanted him to come to dinner. I should have made him feel as safe with me, as I wanted to feel with him.

Last time I felt anything like this I was 15. My 15 year old boyfriend and I had lost our virginities to each other, then a few weeks later he turned his phone off all weekend. Then he sent a bunch of long texts breaking up with me. To be fair the kid was becoming an alcoholic. Of course Double D is a high functioning alcoholic, so there's that. I've never experienced a break up that I haven't wanted before, and I don't know how to handle it.

I am finally mentally ready to love, to share my happiness with someone. I'm bettering myself in so many ways, but my heart hurts so damn much all the god damn time! My heart hurts so much that it'd rather be used up in meaningless brutal sex, than have to deal with not holding his hand. I wish I understood this kind of heart ache better. 

Right now I feel like my heart is on fire. I am so full of passion and ready to pour it all out for him. I wish I could give him everything I should have said and done and supported him, so he would know how much he mattered. So he would know I loved him. He's been deeper into my heart than anyone.. Now that I've been burned so badly, I'm scared I'll never let someone in that deep again.

***

I know when I see him next, I'll be as cold as when we first met. I'll deny I loved him. I'll deny him leaving me broke my heart. I'll deny any of it was special. I'll act like none of it was real.. I won't even tell him how much I miss my best friend. I need to protect myself again, and start replacing 2 years of fallen walls.

Ultimately, the new bricks I lay down won't matter. I can deny being heartbroken all I want, but the truth has been stated right here: I am crying my eyes out over a boy, and I am being treated for sex addiction.

I fell so hard for him Readers.. And I don't know how to get back up.


*Cheers*