Monday, 14 July 2014

F/23 Single Sexaholic Seeks: A Romantic Gym Partner.

Hello Readers. It's been a long time. I've been pretty emotional, and have had a lot of downs lately. I'm trying really extra hard in therapy, and running 3 miles a day to get healthy. It's perfectly chilly out today, and for me sweater weather is good writing weather. Let's dive in, I've missed you all dearly.

To get it out of the way, I am now romantically and emotionally single, Double D left me last week. After 2 years of me not being ready and asking for space, he's ready to better himself on his own. I know it's psychologically healthiest for him and even for me, but that does not make me stop loving him. He has completely blocked me out.. He wanted outer space, and we all deserve to chase unending stars.

Now for the good stuff.

Therapy is going great! I'm working on more reprocessing therapy to break down the emotional power I allow white men to have over me. When I have an emotional connection to a white male, his thoughts of me matter more than my views of myself. Even if I know he doesn't think of me negatively, and I don't think of me negatively, I still feel it. And it makes me feel like utter shit like fights with my adoptive mom. Probably because me and my adoptive dad don't talk enough to have fights.

Working on this has been a work out for my emotions, especially how I romantically relate to men. Intimacy and romance.. Doesn't absolutely terrify me anymore. I want sunny, warm, happy, giggling romance. And with every hug, kiss, smile, and early morning dash from their bed to my work I want to feel it bubble up and bloom ^_^

Also, my sexcapades of me having sex how men have sex to take back the power that was molested away from me.. Well there's been a recent spike in the amounts of partners I have. My therapist said, "Wow. Ok Morgan, that is a lot of sex. I think we can safely say you're a sex addict." I can totally still have sex, as long as I don't seek it being I'm bored or upset. Really we don't think of it as a big addiction problem. I'm using some thing I normally use to build up my personal power, as a coping behavior. As long has I cope in a mindful way, and build sexual powerful separately, it's fine.

So there's that, ha. *cough cough*

Now that you can see my mental health is fairing well, or at least being delt with healthily. Let's catch up on the birthsearch. This should take 10 seconds. I'm still, waiting for my American case worker to come back from her trip in Korea. She's bringing back my searching letter and photos, I will then update the letter and photos. From there we'll submit the new search. Boring I know, Tada.

Shall we end on some good healthy feels?

This past week I've been running 3 miles everyday, eating much healthier, and just feeling damn great! I'm really motivated and excited to loose 150lb, so I'll be a sweet little 90lb girl. Now I'm Korean, 5'1", and only 23. 90lb is not crazy. In all honesty I probably won't be a 90lb girl, because I do want some muscle and shit. And for those of you struggle to do the math I am currently 240lb.

The combination of working out everyday, eating healthy food, controlled amounts of food, gluten free when possible, lactose free, kimchi everyday, but not depriving myself of the goods.. I am feeling pretty awesome! 

So that's it for this post guys. All in all I'm feeling focused, ready to open the happy, and pretty damn good ^_^. Also, thank you for being so great! I love being candid with you all in my posts, and my emails back to you. If you need anything, have questions, or comments please feel free to contact me on Twitter and Gmail @KangSunLee1991


*Cheers*

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Room For Marriage?

Hello Readers. Yesterday I had a real perfect day.. I felt so truly content and just happy. I spent the morning and early afternoon with KADs at a BBQ to kick off our summer events. Then I hit the water park at Mall of America with a few white friends. Finally I rounded off the evening with dinner and park time with one of my best gal pals. But a couple friends had asked me the same question: If I could ever see myself fully committing to someone in marriage. Before today I had always said yes and that it was something I wanted. Now I'm not so sure about the yes.

Why am I scared of relationships now? There's a number of reasons that any person could have, but then there's reasons that are just me. I am scared that no one will love me enough for me to stay with them. I'm scared that no one will love me enough to make up for the loss of my birth mother.. I know it's not a husband's job to do, but I'm not sure if I'll ever let go of her enough to make room for a husband. I fear I will always love her more and put her first. Letting her go so that my relationships can move forward is terrifying. It's like letting her slip through my fingers to hold someone else's hand. That just feels... So wrong.

I have this feeling I'll never find her or any of my birthfamily, and on some level I can accept that. But letting things go to move forward makes the little girl inside of me scream, what if I compleat loose my mother? As a young adult I know that letting my birthmother go a little would be incredibly healthy, but little KangSun just refuses it.

At the rate I'm letting go, I'll never have a free hand for someone to marry.

*Cheers*

Friday, 9 May 2014

Mother's Day Weekend 2014.

Hello Readers. Do you know what this weekend is? It's Mother's Day on Sunday. As a kid I had to celebrate it (as well as Father's Day), but as a young adult I sneak out of it. In the case of my adoptive family's situation I don't feel comfortable celebrating such holidays. But I also hate birthdays and Christmas. This weekend my adoptive mom flew in my pregnant adoptive sister. They have the whole weekend planned with dinners, shopping, and ending with brunch with my maternal adoptive grandma.

They have the whole weekend planned.

My adoptive mom keeps texting me updates, and I just.. I simply don't feel like I belong to any of these family outings, and it makes me really sad. Yesterday I was talking to my therapist racking my brain as to why my adoptive mom was flying her out when she'd be flying out to see the baby in summer. Then it hit me; my adoptive sister is going to be *a mother*.  I don't feel like a sister or an aunt, and I didn't even realize my adoptive sister as a mother-to-be. That's how disconnected to her I am.

I am so friggen stressed over seeing her at Sunday brunch that.. I can't sleep at all. The other night I cut off 3 small pieces of my skin. The person she is when she's not under someone's thumb, when she is so comfortable she's being weirder than me.. That's the funny silly creeper I miss.

I grew up with this woman, only four years apart, and we have become compleat strangers. All we have in common now is the paperwork.

I miss my birthmother..

This sucks.

*Cheers*

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Birthsearch: Revamped.

Hello Readers! Last night I made a big decision regarding my birth search. I am very excited to tell you about it, but first let me get you up to speed on the last 8 months.

When I got back from Korea I was so upset I ignored the emails from my American case worker. I finally read them at the end of October and she told me I order return my search to active, if have to get my paper work in the next shipment to Korea. This meant I had to get it all done by Halloween, and bring my paperwork in the next morning. Instead I got scared, called Double D, and promptly totaled my car. (Also maybe you readers made the connection of my paper working being due and me wanting to seeing Double D, but NONE of my friends did.) After that I never got back to my American case worker, and have been ignoring my "inactive search". 

When I was in Korea and met with my Korean case worker, Mrs.Hong, she told me new things about my case like how my grandmother knew about me and was there for my mother. She had this big thick file in front of us.. My file.. And I wish I had just taken it and run down the street and hopped in a cab. I've been kicking myself for the past 8 months for not doing that.

*Now here's the latest my search*

Last night I finally emailed my American case worker, and told her it's game on! I asked her to send me all the paper work I needed, and the guidelines for writing letters and sending photos. I am compleat lay revamping every aspect of my search. I also asked her to connect me with all parts of the Korean media. I want my face out there, I want my story out there, because somewhere is a person who knows me. How amazing and terrifying is that!? Somewhere in Korea is someone who knows who I am.

Last time I was going to do this I got freaked out and thought holding someone's hand would make it easier. But I totaled my car, and while after we could all joke it was a universal sign about me and Double B.. Maybe it was a universal sign that I need to do this search alone. I can't find my birthmother with only one hand, while the other is holding onto a boy for support. 

This time I am my own support. With no romance to hold one hand back, I am going in with both fists punching! I have so many other things to share with you all, but that will have to be in the next blog.

*Cheers*

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

First Trip Home. [Part One]

Hello Readers. I know that for months I've promised to start talking about what happened in Korea.. And I haven't yet. I haven't with anyone because it hurts so much to think of the loneliness, the humiliation, and the lack of acceptance that happened there.

I did talk to a fellow adoptee, Big M, a few times during the trip.. He told me that being in Korea would never be perfect, that I needed to focus on the good that happened. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it further and for now I just wanted to be mad, and angry, and hurt. I think the only person in my life that has a real sense of what happened there is my adoptive mom. She was one of the few people that wasn't in this fish tank with me. I could send her emails filled with screams, swearing, and anger. Even though her words were nothing helpful and even triggering, I needed to vent. I knew she could handle it, angry me is about the only side of me she response to.

It got to the point that I was begging for my adoptive parents to change my flight and get me a ticket back to the states.. Because there were weekends when I stayed in my form alone and just cried over all the drama between the adoptees. Not even Double D knows what really happened in Korea. I don't think I even fully expressed my low points to the adoptees I met there who are now long life friends.

I do love Korea, it is my home.. But it's a love hate relationship, with constant self explanation and cultural negotiation. I am ready to talk about what really happened in Korea. I'm not sure if I'll be posting it all on here quite yet. However, I am ready to start talking about it with my therapist. From there maybe a friend or two, maybe a Double D or something. For now I wanted you guys know that my silence on the subject wasn't forever. It was a bandaid to hold off the blood until I was ready to deal with the pain.

I've been back in the states for 8 months now, and it's time to take off the bandages and deal with the scars.

*Cheers*

Monday, 24 March 2014

My Trip Home & Therapy.

Hello Readers. I know that for months I've been saying I'm going to start talking about what happened in Korea.. And I haven't yet. I haven't with anyone because it hurts so much to think of the loneliness, the humiliation, and the lack of acceptance that happened there.

I did talk to a fellow adoptee, Big M, a few times during the trip.. He told me that being in Korea would never be perfect, that I needed to focus on the good that happened. I told him that I didn't want to talk about it further and for now I just wanted to be mad, and angry, and hurt. I think the only person in my life that has a real sense of what happened there is my adoptive mom. She was one of the few people that wasn't in this fish tank with me. I could send her emails filled with screams, swearing, and anger and it's a side of Morgan that she's used too.. Even though her words were nothing helpful and even triggering, I needed to vent. I knew she could handle it. 

It got to the point that I was begging her to change my flight and get me a ticket back to the states. Begging her and my adoptive dad to please get me state side.. Not even Double D knows what really happened in Korea. I don't think I even fully expressed my low points to the adoptees I met there who are now long life friends.

I do love Korea, it is my home.. But it's a love hate relationship, with constant self explanation and cultural negotiation. I am ready to talk about what really happened in Korea. I'm not sure if I'll be posting it all on here quite yet, but I am going to start talking about it with my therapist. From there maybe a friend or two, maybe a Double D or something.

I thought I should let you guys know that my silence on the subject wasn't forever. It was nearly a bandaid to hold off the blood until I was ready.

*cheers*

Monday, 24 February 2014

Dear Mother, 23rd Anniversary.

Dear Mother --

Today I'm 23. That's 23 years older, wiser, and missing you dearly. When thinking of our heartbreaking goodbye 23 years ago, I always listen to "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World. You feel like this perfect glowing angle and a haunting ghost. You are why I wake when the sun rises, and you are my dreams when the sunsets. I think the world of you, and I want you to know that you made the right choice. Of course I'd give anything to have grown up with you in my life, and I'd jump off a cliff in hopes of flying to be with you right now.. But I know you did what you had to do, I will forever love you for that. 

Happy anniversary Mother,
I hope you're lots in thoughts of me too.

- KangSun