Wednesday, 25 October 2017

Leaving The Family, Again.

Hello Readers. About 15 years ago I stepped from my adoptive maternal intermediate family. All together we had 10 cousins and even more aunts and uncles. It was a huge loss that I needed to choose. I only saw them at funerals and weddings, but we didn't speak. Let's share.

As you know this past year I have really blossomed and opened up to my adoptive parents, even some aunts and uncles. I have always had a close relationship with my adoptive maternal grandma and we're closer than ever. A few months ago I had a poor experience with an aunt and wanted to bottle back up.. But my cousin, we'll call her Ella's, wedding came up and I decided to keep things open. In mess of the 10 cousins we are closest in age. 

I went to the reception and set a timer for 1 hour. I'd stay for an hour and if I felt I needed to leave, I could go. I missed the timer completely. I saw Ella and her brother, we'll call him Don, for the first time in years. I was the only cousin who showed up.. We hugged, talked, bonded, and.. I felt truly happy. I felt like I had a big family again.

It was so good to see so many familiar faces in one room. I had missed them all terribly. I missed participating in big family gatherings. Everyone made toasts, including me. I got to hug everyone, hold my Ella's hand, and dance with everyone. It was so wonderful.

As the night got later more stories were told, but they didn't line up with eachother.. I tried to get my adoptive mom to confirm what I was being told and she couldn't. I was told all sorts of dark family secrets I never knew growing up. But I just don't know what was true and what was a lie.. It's so confusing, like I'm 8 years old again and all my cousins are telling me all different things and I just can't pick what's real. Sometimes love just isn't enough.

 Ella and Don both told me they had been searching for my online for years and asking my adoptive mom for my number. Of course my adoptive mom knows I'm very private about my number. But there was only one Easter where she mentioned they asked for it.. If you google my name you'll see Google Images, my Twitter, my Instagram, my articles, my email, and this blog.. Even stranger.. they kept asking me to add them on Facebook vs for my number. I still wanted personal boundaries, so I decided to text them both my number vs opening up my private social media account. 

When neither of them texted me back, I realized they didn't want me. They just wanted to have fun stalking my private social media..

My exe partner just schooled me in the huge adoptee lesson, DON'T TRUST ANYONE. My aunt fired a warning shot about them not accepting who I am as adoptee. But I still went to that wedding. I still hugged, danced, and poured my heart out to them.. And did you know what I learned? If the plan is to not see people until your grandma or parents die, THEN STICK TO THE DAMN PLAN.

I wish my uncle was alive.. We only met twice, but he knew exactly who I was. He understood who I was completely and even told my mom. He understood the family too, and he left them too. I wish I had met him a 3rd time, I wish he was still here. I wish he could help me now.

Stepping away the first time was hard enough.. But a 2nd time as an adult.. It's killing me.

Sunday, 27 August 2017

Duck, Duck, Grey Duck.

Hello Readers. I want to be over Ducky. I want to stop crying every time a little inside joke comes up and he's not here to share it.

Looking at the very positive in our relationship, I think he was all the tenderness and sweetness I never had. He doted on me, gave me a million kisses a day, and we slept with are arms around each other all night. As much as he listened, I don't think he had the experience to process most of I told him. I shared my entire world with him. He knew things even my closest friends didn't know, and a secret only my sister and therapist know.

Looking without the rose glasses I can see off paper we were not a good partnership. He didn't know enough about his own heart or his temper. I think he was a good partner for me for a year, but I don't believe he'd have been a good partner for our lives. He claimed to understand and support my adoptee issues and identity crisis. But then he supported me to finally test my DNA, 2 weeks later he left, and then didn't even respond when I shared my results and that I found family. This tells me he didn't understand my birth search at all and had no respect for me working on my identity crisis.

Some truly terrible things have happened to me in this life, but this.. This is what I find to be so close to unforgivable. Honestly, this is one of the cruelest things to do to an adopted person. What a great reminder to know that I am alone in this search and identity crisis. I trusted someone entirely for over a year, and then he reminded me that as an adoptee I should know better than to trust someone..

I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but fuck. Who does this to a person? I can't believe I have to work on not hating him. Oh my Ducky..


Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Jealous Little Girl.

Hello Readers. I've said it once, I've said it a million times, and I'll say it until the day I die. All I want from my mother is a memory. Just to hear her voice, see a picture, even hear her say no to me..

All I'm asking for is a tiny little droplet of a memory. My friends who have had parents walk out on them or pass think I'm lucky to not have to deal with my birth family leaving or dying one by one. When in reality I've spent my whole life suffering the loss and what if of loosing them. The little girl inside me is jealous of my friends. They have certainty, something I will only have when my hair is grey.

But most importantly... They have an ocean of memories, while I do not even have the droplet I beg the universe for every day. It's one thing to hop puddles, but it's another to dive deep into an ocean and see a whole world with someone you love. The world I have with my birth mother is a desert.. While it was depth, it's dark and freezing at night.. Almost nothing can survive.


Sweeping Up My Heart.

Hello Readers. Let's get right to it.

The first week we still kind of talked by updating each other on things, we even talked on the phone. During that call he kept going back and fort powers on it being our last call or another day we could talk for the last time. Well.. He never updated me again, and didn't respond to me when I update him.

The 2nd week I tried to open my mind as much as possible. I widened my eyes and reflected on the things I wasn't satisfied in our relationship and things I wasn't ok with. I want to be with someone who I can share being a creative with, especially with a person who wants to share their passion with the world. A partner who wants to go dancing and enjoys my horrible stepping as much as I do. I need to be with a musically inclined fella who is more relatable. Someone who thinks disagreements are opportunities to learn about each other and find a greater understand of other perspectives. Someone who does not believe in name calling. Honestly, someone extremely liberal like me.

I spent the next couple weeks getting dinner with friends and crying constantly. I'd cry at the mall, before and after grocery shopping, alone in bed all night, holding the cats, and driving pretty much everywhere. I could barely sleep at night.. I'd cry all the time during the day, and kept triggering dehydration and stress headaches. It was exhausting.

The past couple weeks my pain have leveled out. I started feeling like I hated him for supporting me to get me DNA tested knowing I had his support, then leaving, and not responding to me results.. Not responding to me finding family was it for me. I wrote a lot of heart broken country songs and spent some time a tent. I feel like a normal human again. I was even at an event and found myself a little thirsty for an attractive fella. I'm not ready for any pallet cleansing, and also it turns out he's like 22 and has college relationship. But-- it was a very fun and funny afternoon talking to my friends trying to figure out his deal. 

I also started a new OkCupid account that's clearly labeled for friends only. I'm making an effort to meet new friends who have similar tastes in music, creativity, and can give me a new perspective to go with this new future.


Friday, 21 July 2017

One Month Ago.

Hello Readers. There has always been a hole inside of me, where I grieve my mother. Now I have 2 holes. Ducky left me. 

A month ago I thought we were going to talk through our fight. I thought we were going to be fine. I thought everything was ok, but I was terribly wrong. He sat down next to me, told me he couldn't handle this, and asked if I'd hate him if he left. I told him how much I believe in us, how much better we are with support, and that we're partners. But that wasn't enough for him, he wants to figure himself out alone.

I understand he believes he needs to work on himself without me. I see now that he only felt first and young love for me, while my love for him was deep and the real deal. My love for him is what novels are written about and movies dazzle us with. He was it for me. But I guess I was the first notch on his bed post, while I thought he was my last.

I feel so hollow. It's the same empty cavity in my stomach where all the loss, hopelessness, and aloneness I feel over not having my mother. I've never felt that way about another person before.. someone choosing to be apart from me because they belive it's doing the right thing for us.

How do you spend your whole life searching for the love you were born with, knowing you will never find it. Few things are as painful as the loss of a mother you will never find. It is absolutely insane to suddenly stumble across real love only for them to want to be lost and never found again. My heart aches, my stomach is empty, and I am hollow tear-soaked woman who will never open her heart again. What a ridiculous mistake to think I could have something like that! I refuse to feel this away again. I refuse to love another person in this life. I promise to be cold as stone again, but this time I will not share my body. I will not share my feelings, I will not share my heart or future ever again. Just let my heart die; let my soul starve.

I know I'm being dramatic. I know I'll stumble into love again. I know now I should be with an artist. Someone more outgoing, in touch with their emotions, and who wants to dance with me. But I just need to be a heart broken woman for now, wrecked on tears, and mourn the happy ending I thought I had right in front of me. I just need to be angry, because the best person in the world who supported getting my DNA tested bailed on me before I got my results.

I literally shared everything in my world with him. He has my heart and knows every detail in my hugs.. And he left me.


Saturday, 17 June 2017

Identity Crisis.

Hello Readers. How do feel about your identity? Do you know who you are, does it ever evolve, and do you have support in who you are? This constant identity crisis is so exhausting.

[Disclaimer: When we first started dating I told Ducky our biggest incompatibility was I see things as a world issue and he only sees things on an indidualistc level. I can't believe that so many different groups are fighting for the same cause for different reasons all over the wold, and he can't believe something happened to one person. We disagree on how to help people vs person and on where to value validity. Neither of these perspectives are right or wrong.]

For instance, Ducky and I had a huge argument the other day. He thinks that until a person is more educated and has language to define themselves they don't need to tell their partner. I think feeling who you identify as is different from who you say you are should be told to your partner. Psychologically withholding information hurts people the same way as a blunt lie. Lying is lying. Relationships mean consenting to the relationship. Lying to your partner means taking away their consent to what they know the situation to be.

I kept telling my him that all identity crisis follow the same social steps, and he was invalidating me saying I was doing an injustice to myself and the LGBTQ+ community for the comparision. But in you don't just wake up as an adult and suddenly decide or realize you're gay. I didn't suddenly wake up and think I was Korean. Somewhere inside you know you feel different. You may not have the language for it, you may not know the labels you identify as, but even as a child you can feel it. 

I see this type of lying all the time. People conforming to heterosexualism, while knowing inside it's a chosen life style and not how they romantically or sexually feel. Korean adoptees conforming to Western-Caucasian idealsim, while knowing it's a chosen lifestyle and not who they are inside. I'm using the word "chosen" loosely here, because some of us choose to hide and others need to hide for protection. I chose to hide for many years because I was too scared to tell my adoptive parents, and I also needed to hide for social survival within my extended family and peers. Unfortunately, hiding my skin is a bit different than hiding sexuality and people chose to exploite me for how I looked too.

Even when I was 2 years old and about to turn 3, I know and felt inside that I was Korean and not American or white like my family. Those thoughts and feelings are my earliest memories during the couple of weeks of planning my 3rd birthday. I don't really remember the party, but I remember being kind of sad to see all my cousins and knowing I needed to act a certain way. I didn't have the language  and I wish instead of hiding who I felt I was, I had just told my adoptive parents. Had I just said how I felt inside.. That may have saved us from years of turmoil and myself from being abused.

It wasn't until I was 14 or so that I literally came out to my adoptive parents that I identified as Korean and not American. They were horrified. My adoptive dad even said he didn't understand why I liked ramen and it's not like my birth parents were looking for me. I came out again a year ago telling my adoptive mom that I identified as a woman of color. She was surprised, but my honesty and updating her on my identity crisis was helpful. She just asscept it without question. It was actually a really nice moment.

I see identity crisis as effecting everyone in all different groups fighting for the same cause to be themselves. Ducky views things as happening to individuals and each case being so uniquely different, meaning he doesn't believe not sharing your feelings of identity with your partner is lying. Right now, this is putting us in a difficult grey area of trust. For my lying is lying, and for him it's not black and white. Even though it wasn't his intention, I feel like he doesn't understand my identity crisis and doesn't value my understanding of it. 

At the end of the day, I still feel like I need to explain who I am all the time. And to everyone.. 


Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Say My Name.

Hello Readers. Lee, Kang Sun is my birth name. A name that I have not been called since I was 4 months old in Korea. When will anyone call me that again? 

I've been thinking about my name a lot lately and how I said I was done defending it. But now I'm feeling this new longing for my full birth name to matter. I've never even heard my adoptive parents say it.. 

It's strange for it to be forbidden in the walls of my childhood home, but strangers on the street will ask for my Korean name or whatever I was called before adoption. How can something so secret be assumed open by the public? Don't they get that adoption is not lollipops and sun shine? 

Adoption means birth parents are grieving the loss of a child. It means adoptive parents are grieving the loss of biological love. It means a baby may never see home again.. It means a baby may have to wait till her 16th birthday to go through her adoptive parents' office to find out her real name. Me, I did that.

Why do some adoptees get to have both their names mashed up or their birth name set as their middle name? Why do other adoptees starve to never know?

I'd give anything to hear my mother call me KangSun. It would mean the world for me to hear my mom call me Kang. 

I wish I didn't need these things to feel complete. I wish I was def to this.