Sunday, 28 April 2013

A Letter From The Womb.

Dear Umma--

*These are all the things I wish I could have said to you on February 24th.. My birthday.

Hello Umma. I've felt your stress and anger for the past 9 months, I've heard you cry, and scream, and want to give up so many times. But each time you wiped your tears, composed yourself, and kept moving forward and kept me alive. I want you to know how thankful I am for your strength, even if it feels like you never had a choice.

I can only imagine the things you've gone through and how you got pregnant. I am sorry for everything that has happened to you mother. I want you to know that you may love me, and you may even hate me, but I love you. I love you and I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you, I want to stay home in Korea. If a better education and bigger opportunities means no home and no you what's the point? No amount of money can replace you umma.

I am scared of leaving you today, and forgetting everything I have ever known. I am afraid of never learning all that I could here. What if I never learn what home is? What if I can never come back home? What's if I never find you?

When I leave here and you say goodbye I won't know what's happening. I'll be confused until one day I'll learn I have an adoptive family, and I'll only know them and not you. I'll have forgotten everything excepting one haunting dream. When I'm a little girl I'll dream of you holding my in the hospital. So happy seeing me singing me a lullaby, with appa be your side. Then you surrender me to a nurse and as they carry me away you break down screaming and crying..

I'll never know if that's just a dream or baby Kang's only memory, but it will haunt me my whole life. Even when I'm 22 I'll wake up in tears from it.

Regardless of the pain we'll both feel, I know you're making the right decision for us. It's hard and we're both scared, but I understand sometimes forgetting is the best chance of things. I hope one day to remember though. I support your choice, Please never regret it.

Wishing I could stay home; I love you.

-- Kang

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Bleached: White Skin Is THE BEST.

Hello Readers. Last night I got into a really heated "creative discussion" with one of my best friends. It boils down to him thinking that America doesn't press the white race on non-Caucasians, and surely not to the point of any psychological damage. He also had a concept that the term "cultural genocide" is bullshit, at best it's a form of imperialism. So there's that.

Now he's a fairly bright intellectual, but as a white male raised in America he's never experienced a lot of racism. He's also never experienced what it means to not be white in America. The only way a white person could understand the feeling is if they got thrown into Asia. Alas he's only been to Europe. On the subject of what race and culture really mean like most Caucasian-Americans he is ignorant. I love the kid, but I also think he is completely wrong in his thought process. I am super ticked about his constant and blatant comments that are really him saying my experiences of not being white are invalid. Now I know he did not intend his worlds that way, so I'd like to take this example and explain what the white race means to the rest of the world.

Caucasian-American culture is formed on power through race and forcing those ideals onto others.

I mean being white is so powerful that Americans created the most evil form of slavery in the history of the world, and it was all based on color. No other form of slavery was or is today. Every other country, major civilization, and even ants have slaves. Yeah I said ants; Look it up. None of them were based on color, you could not be born into slavery, and you did not spend your life as a slave. Essentially the rules as to who is a slave and for how long are like super harsh versions of prisoners of war and indentured servants. The same completely colored based power that Americans created when starting their version of slavery, is the same race-backed power that can be felt today by anyone who is not a Caucasian-American.

Now I also hear a lot of people say that this is all 'naturally occurring cultural imperialism". Cultural imperialism is like forcing a nation to industrialize, or a new king changing his lands' religion, or the US forcing Japan to open and make trade. Telling the world they can inly better themselves by looking white is much different.

In America's traditional values, ideals on beauty, and just to be worth anything you MUST be white in order to be THE BEST. That kind of power is in our media, our advertisements, there's skin bleaching products all over the world. The need to be white and thin on American TV has directly caused the start of eating disorders in Fiji. To not be white on our planet, it's psychologically damaging. High school girls in Asia commonly get surgery to cut their eyes wider and rounder.

America is an A+B+C= A culture, not a melting pot of D. Basically if you're not white you better find a way to be white. If you are a Caucasian-American you don't feel the pressure to be white, don't see white as the world's most culturally powerful resource, or how it being a resource is so psychologically deviating for others. That's what Caucasian-Americans will never understand the effects of. They'll never be on the receiving end of white culture and feel its effects. And I am so glad they won't ever fully understand it, no one should have to go through this.

Now Caucasian-Americans do face a portion of racism, stereotyping, and a limited amount of discrimination. They can go to other countries and be called "American Idiots", but people will still think their skin is The Best and in some countries like India they will beg for your picture like you're a movie star just because your blue eyed and have blonde hair. That is so sickening.. being treated like a movie star just because of your skin color.

To not be white growing up in America, is like a different kind of depression. My depression feels like I'm quietly drowning, in the compleat silence of a still lake, the water above me is like glass, and the surrounding water is dark hallow, and I am frozen as I sink.

But not be Caucasian here is like.. Walking in the thickest bleached fog, in a constant heavy snow that's falling like ash. It burns to breath the cold air that doesn't accept your foreign lungs. Trying to shuffle your boots through the blanket of knee deep snow, dredging forward, trying desperate to adapt to the cold frozen white, feeling all the warmth inside drying, like a small fire burning out. That's what America holds over my head everyday since I was a little girl.

America created the most Evil form of slavery in the history of our world, and the only race based form of slavery known to date.. That's how white got "invented" and defined as power; that's what it still means today.

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Lets Be Friends, Wishes Are Impossible, Bend My Arm?

Hello Readers? Let's just dive right in it. Last night I realized I treat my adoptive parents, as if they're both my step parents. Look at what you've done to the modern family. They only people that picked each other was the parents, while forcing the babies to be raised by foreign strangers.

How did America expect forcing S. Korea into international and interracial adoption to work out? That I'd just fall in love with strangers who don't look like me, hate kimchi, tell me everything that's yellow is bad, and everything white is The Best? Adoption isn't easy for all adoptees, and for some of us it's constantly heartbreaking. To not be white in America is to never be enough and to never be accepted. How could I possibly fall in love with that.

I have a dear friend of mine who's on the outs with his adoptive sister because he supported and agreed with my thoughts on adoption. I thank him for understanding me, and I'm deeply sad that his adoptive sister doesn't. My adoptive sister is the same way. The problem adoptees is that we fight with our own kind all the time. There are too major extremes: Loving your adoptive parents and feeling nothing for Korea, vs having no relationship with your adoptive parents and only having a yellow heart for Korea. It's hard the extremes to meet eye to eye.

Now we can feel anyway we want on our personal adoptee stories, all of our feelings are completely sound. But it is not alright for any of us to say the other's feelings are wrong or not ok. It is not our experience and we can't tell someone how to feel about it. With all the fighting and splitting of adoptive siblings over having different feelings.. No wonder so many adoptees don't associate with each other, no wonder we're scared of each other. And it gets lonely isolating yourself from the only people who could possibly understand all the different meanings of what it means to be adopted.

I cry a lot, like every day a lot. But I don't cry to anyone or in front of anyone. Sometimes I try and picture myself calling up a friend blubbering out how sad and scared I am. Sometimes I try to imagine a friend even pulling through on me calling for them and actually showing up at my door to cheer me up. Sometimes I picture letting a guy get closer than arms length, and letting them hold me and be there for me. But then I shake my head knowing those aren't going to happen for me right now.

There is no one I trust enough to say these things to. Unless someone contacted me, and really wanted to make me talk to them, and really wanted to be there for me. But none of my bros are like that and all of the guys I'm seeing are just dates. There is no one for me to call if this birth search crushes me world. There is no one for me to call if I get passed for the adoptee trip to Korea. There are 3 people I can really see myself getting close too, and possibly letting my arm bend for.. But for all different reasons, none of them are really available and healthy for that.

I always say how strong I feel doing all of this alone. That 2 years ago I'd never think doing this alone would be possible, but now I know it is. And I can take it on my own, but at the same time.. This is killing me, I'm dying to hold someone's hand through the tears, and get a hug when my knees go weak and I fall. Keeping all of this private and not depending on anyone emotionally, it's more draining that I had expected.

Can I tell you all a secret? Weeks ago when I received the new my birth name was given to me by an intake worker, I was at school. I was choking it down really well, but then I ran to the bathroom with my headphones blasting . I got in a stall and fell to the floor crying.. shaking.. convulsing.. for my mother. When I finally came out the school's medical security was there. A girl had been calling out to me and called them when I didn't respond. I was so embarrassed trying to explain to them that I was just really upset over my birth search. So incredibly embarrassed. I wish I had called one of those 3 people.

I ended up calling my friend B about it. She was really great about it, she's always a fantastic person to talk to and catch up with. But I played it off like it was no big deal and just embarrassing and weird.. I wish I would have been more honest. I wish I could have just told her my knees went weak and I fell to the floor convulsing I was crying so hard.

I wish someone would extend their hand enough to bend my arms, and pushed past my arm's length. I wish someone was willing to push past my walls.. I wish I could let my guns down for once.. I'm full of wishes.

*** Here's a really great YouTube video of the song+lyrics of "Impossible" from Cinderella, sung by Whitney Houston and Brandy. Feel better guys :D

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

My 2nd Biggest Fear.

Hello Readers. A year and 8 months ago I was told my mother might have been a rape victim. In my korean I file she told the intake worker she was sleeping over at a friend's house, 2 male burglars broke in, and she was raped. There's always been a strong possibility that it's true. Once I was finally able to admit and accept the possibility I could be a rape baby, I cried for days. Knowing that the woman who I see as my whole world, that I could have been burning in her, invading her body, continuing her rape.. It broke my heart.

In my last post I shared the new information, that an intake worker named me. Lately I've been pushing it deeper into my mind until I finally made a connection. Sure we can rationalize that maybe it hurt her too much to name me, maybe she always viewed me as my adoptive parent's child.. But maybe she was raped. Even though she found the strength to carry me, she couldn't name something that hurt her so much. She was only 24 and her first child, her baby girl, was a product of rape.

I'm having my social worker check and see what time she actually surrendered me. Once compared to my birth timestamp we'll know how long I was with her. The longer the better. The shorter, the more it points to rape being the facter in her not naming me. I'm not sure what amount of time constitutes as she was most likely sexually assaulted, but I know that if I feel it's that way.. I'll officially close my search for her. *However I will be searching in Korea this summer, just not through my agencies.*

I love her so much and I need her in my life, but I can't revictimize her by having the Korean government and my agencies hunting her when she doesn't want to be found. Her carrying me was really me invading and violating her body for 9 months, only continuing her rape. If this is all true it completely wrecked her first experience of creating life and motherhood. She could just view me as an adoptee, and not her daughter or even biological daughter. Me showing up with KAA, CHS, and EWCS could end up me letting out her secret, humiliating her, violating her, and force her to relive the rape.

I've been crying for days. My eyes are so red, dry, and puffy I don't know why no one at work has been like, "The fuck Morgan?". I work with glasses so clients always stare at my frames and eyes, as do my coworkers. Allergies right?

I wish I had I friend I could tell this too, and cry in front of, and get hugged by, but I do not. When all your friends are all guys you tend to try and not fall into their hug while you cry. You also don't do that with the new girl friends you barely know, or your best gal pal who you haven't been able to schedule with in months. You also don't do it with the guys your only dating and want nothing serious with. You don't do it with the one bro, who you're not dating because he's actually emotionally special, and you don't want that right now, and he's into another girl more. And you really really don't do it with that one guy who has a girlfriend. And you especially do not do it with your adoptive sister who didn't even look at you last time she was at the house. So there's that huge lack of close support too.

I'm pretty sure I'll have to close my search; I really hope I don't have to though.. I hope she spent hours with me and that will only fill me up with more hope for happiness. But it already feels like I'm watching my whole Korean family dying. I'm only 22 and they're slipping away from my little hands. All I wanted was to tell them I loved them all, hear her voice, or even trade the world for a glimpse of a picture.. My whole life all I've wanted is them, my umma, they are my whole heart....

And now I feel like they're dying.

I'm dying.