Thursday, 9 July 2015

24th Anniversary.

 Hello Readers. Today is my Gotchya Day. It's my 24th anniversary of landing in America. It's kind of depressing.. It's the day my adoptive parents and American society murdered KangSun and let the hollow shell of her get raped till she was 24..

Actually today has been pretty great though. My adoptive mom was yelling, and I got to tell her she should be thankful for today. That she should feel blessed a Korean woman had to raped in order for her to have a child, and the child had to be raped her whole life for her to keep that child. A lot of bad shit had to go down so my adoptive parents could selfishly, not selflessly, fill their house with me. It felt good to give her a dose of reality.

I extended a last bit of friendship towards my now ex-best friend. It's all I had left to offer her. But being the schizophrenic she is, she broke up with me. The one friend that actually cares about her, and never used her or took advantage of her. It was such a one sided relationship. For a year I emotionally and mentally cared for her. You have to think and feel about her in the exact way she wants at all times. If you don't.. you'll trigger her paranoia, and she'll have an episode on you. Her mind invents fantastic delusions in which everyone is purposefully trying to hurt her.. Tears, moaning, swearing, name calling, screaming, sobbing.. It's exactly how my schizophrenic uncle acted during an episode. Most adoptees, myself included, have large battles with mental illness. It's actually why a lot of the 20 somethings and younger were given up. I hope she finds her way to getting help.. Remember triggering someone to have a psychotic break in reality is not your fault, it's the nature of their condition. I feel relived of my duties. It's relaxing.

I had a great morning of therapy. My therapist and I gave a lot of reflection to how happy and healthy I am. It's amazing to look back at my lowest point in sex addition and abuse a year ago, and see me now. My emotional growth and success in living a sexually-sober lifestyle. Things are pretty beautiful.

Today is my Gotchya Day. I mourn the death and rape of KangSun. I grieve for my foster parents and brother. I rejoice in spending it with one of my dearest friends L.N. I laugh at cozying up in an ironically Americana colored knit hat.


Monday, 6 July 2015

My Lowest Point: Sexual Abuse Addiction & Abuse.

Hello Readers. One year ago, America' birthday, I was left laying in a parking lot, crying, half naked, and heartbroken. This was the lowest weekend of my life as an abused sex addict. I was at CONvergence 2014.

**Friday** Double D was wasted, flirting, and sexually assaulting girls. I went off to hang elsewhere. I met 3 different guys, nailed them in their hotel rooms, and snuck out on each one to go meet the next.

**Saturday** I was nailing strangers in my car. I was introduced to a Korean guy, we flirted, Double D saw, and.. He made a very public example out of me. So there I was paralyzed on the pavement, my arms scraped on loose gravel, and after a while I was out of tears.. I finally got up and I went straight to my friends' hotel room. Then a long time buddy stopped by, I cried in his arms, I calmed down, and we hooked up.

We all went out to the party rooms. I danced with a stranger, made out with him, and later met him to screw in my car too. At one point mid hook up, a guy walked up to us in the parking lot.. He asked if he could watch.. The stranger I was nailing grabbed his clothes and ran! Sure we were complete strangers, but what about human to human safety?

The guy asking to watch was a tall Midwestern type, considerably taller and stronger than me.. I was scared. He'd had already exposed himself.. I offered to let him choke me while he finished, in exchange for my "greater safety". He pushed me, pinned my neck up against the open door frame, and just made me dangle until he was done. I cried in my car and went home.


I officially started being meaningless sex free and abuse free NYE 2015, Thanks B.
I relapsed both on April 26th.
I have been meaningless sex free since April 27th, and abuse free since April 30th.

I am living healthy, happy, and balanced.