Thursday, 24 November 2011

Gobble Gobble.

Hello Readers, Today is the real start of dread for me. The holidays have never been my thing. They promote family, peace, and love, All things I don’t really have inside of me. They’re there, But it’s mostly dormant. Every time I am able to awaken it with hope it gets smothered out by pain and doubt. This year hurts more than ever, But I also have more hope in finding family that I ever had before. I have hope I will find someone from my birth family, And I have hope that they will love me as much as I send almost all my love and wishes to them. If I can’t find them before the holidays have past, I wish all their celebrations leave them well, And I also hope that someone in that crowd house misses me too.

Other than family I have a big problem with American holidays in general. Columbus committed genocide on the Tahoe Indians to "clear" the "new land" he "discovered" for Spain. So of course there’s a national Columbus Day ever though he’s not American, Didn’t discover anything because he was in India, And distastefully “named” the native people Indians. Then the colonists brutally attempted to wipe out the rest of the native population. Other countries like Germany try to move on from the dark history and learn from it. Only in America do people celebrate it and on many days throughout the year. So thank a God that doesn’t exist for Thanksgiving, How else we could celebrate the genocide of a people, culture, and language. It’s something that saddens me so deeply, That most Americans don’t see in their holidays.

How the sadness and pain goes unnoticed by many American I will never understand. It is like how many Americans don’t notice the sadness in adoption. I have been getting “Happy Thanksgiving!!!!” texts all day, not personal just really generic things from people I barely know. Of course a lot of people are sending me “I bet I know what you’re thankful for!” If one more person asks if or tells me I'm thankful to be adopted into the white US I will Stan Marsh this place and burn it down. (*Yes, Total South Park reference, I’m a South Park connoisseur!) Who even says that to a person? What am I supposed to say? What am I expected to say? “You know it! Thank God for my white family adopting me, Being Korean just isn’t good enough!”, Or maybe they expect, “Hell yeah for Americans for buying me! I loved being ripped away from my home, And all the memories I never got to make in the land where I was born!”.

Today is painful for me, Can’t Americans, my peers, my adoptive family understands that? Can’t you see my smudged makeup; Can you not hear my cry. Do you not see the pain poured on my face? Or does my sadness not count because I’m not white, And you couldn’t possibly relate so nothing I feel is real. You spend your Thanksgivings with your family, I spend mine casted in the role of “White American Daughter”, A role I am clearly failing at and should have never been casted to play. The holidays are the worst, This year is the hardest so far, And this year I have more hope than ever.

오늘 가족 휴가의 1의 그리고 내가 여러분 모두와 함께 싶어요. 난 당신이 일 축하 못한다는 것은 알고 있지만, 그러나 가족을 위해 하루. 당신이 겨울 내내 잘 바랍니다, 그리고 누출 죽 많이 먹습니다. 난 당신 모두 바람에 들어갈 수있는만큼 많은 사랑을 보내 매일 밤 공기가 동결되고 별이 크립스랑 때 당신의 안전을 위해 소원과 함께합니다. 당신이 모두를 사랑 해요.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Thanksgiving Is Coming...

Thanksgiving is this Thursday, Damn. I am just floating between tears, working on art, and all my fears. I think I feel this way because I don’t have family right now, And the holidays always hurt so much. Ever since I was a kid the holidays was a reminder of everyone else being with family, And me find bathrooms doors to lock and cry behind. This year will be the same as every other year except I have hope. Maybe this year for Christmas I could get my family? Maybe the search could just work out, And I could find them, And be with one of them or all of them this year. I really don’t have faith in anything, But please.. This has been my Christmas Wish every year since I was child. I have been waiting 20 years, So please.. Just let me be found, And to go home.

All I want to do is go home for the holidays like everyone else, But every year I unwrap this cold house that gets shoved into my lap. I wonder if my birth mother/father/family feel this way around the holidays. I wonder who in the family knows I am missing from the family get-togethers, From Christmas, And Korean holidays. I wonder if my birth mother hurts more around the holidays when she’s showing her other sons or daughters how she cooks those special family meals.. Because I hurt so much.

I hurt more than I can describe!! I am missing out on how to cut/chop/pour things just right. I am missing out on the smiles and close family times. I am missing out on hugs, And love, And joy, And the happiness in knowing I belong somewhere!! Every day I live without them, I am loosing time in my life I want to spend with them!
Thanksgiving is this Thursday, And the holidays make my everyday aches worse, And my everyday tears hotter. No one in this house can hear my cries. My screams always seem to fall upon deaf ears, Right now it’s the silver bells drowning them out. Drowning me.

당신이 크리스마스 어머니를 위해 뭘 원하는지 궁금해, 난 당신이 날 원한다면 당신이 나를 위해 눈물을 침묵해야하는 경우, 내가 궁금해 궁금해하거나 허락한다면 자신을 전혀 눈물을했습니다. 난 당신이 매일 생각합니다. 더이 세상에서 무엇보다 당신을 사랑해, 당신은 내게 별을보다 더 가치가있다. 나는 우리가 올해 당신의 크리스마스 소원을 얻을 바랍니다. 난 당신을 사랑 해요.