Monday, 24 February 2014

Dear Mother, 23rd Anniversary.

Dear Mother --

Today I'm 23. That's 23 years older, wiser, and missing you dearly. When thinking of our heartbreaking goodbye 23 years ago, I always listen to "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World. You feel like this perfect glowing angle and a haunting ghost. You are why I wake when the sun rises, and you are my dreams when the sunsets. I think the world of you, and I want you to know that you made the right choice. Of course I'd give anything to have grown up with you in my life, and I'd jump off a cliff in hopes of flying to be with you right now.. But I know you did what you had to do, I will forever love you for that. 

Happy anniversary Mother,
I hope you're lots in thoughts of me too.

- KangSun

23rd Birthday.

Hello Readers. Today I turn 23, and it's been the most filling year of my life. So much has happened, been accepted, and tried. I got my license, fell in love, learned what a job was, and most importantly I went back home to Korea..

This year has been filled with tears as wide as the Han river, smiles bursting with sunshine, and even real feelings of friendship. But even with all the warmth I have to celebrate, there is still permafrost devouring my heart. Today also marks 23 years without my birthmother.

Generally I start my birthday off with a free morning coffee, and a blog. I like to be alone in the morning so I can use every second to be mindful of my life. I give myself time to reflect and mourn the lost years of my birthmother. This day is more special than something as simple as a birthday. It's the first day we met, a day only she remembers, a day I can only dream about. It's also the day we had to loose each other..

When the late afternoon hits I do whatever I have planned with friends. This year I'm meeting L.N. for my free birthday Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's. She's a lovely lady I've know for 7 years; I'm excited to see her on my birthday and gab. After I'll see Double D and I'm feeling on keeping everything low key today. I'm thinking we order Tak Shing and watch My Sassy Girl, or maybe go get Insomnia Cookies ^^.

On Wednesday I'm meeting my favorite pals at The Varsity Theater to get down to some DJ hipster jams. There will me s'mores cupcakes, and my famously potent jello ^_~.

Normally I hate my birthday, but the past 2 years.. I feel a little happy to be around, even a pinch happy.


Thursday, 6 February 2014

My Birthmother & Little Kang.

Hello Readers. My birthmother is my hot topic of everyday life. She's this epic dream I've been wishing for since I was a baby. I feel like she's in a coma and all I have to do is wake her up, but it is so goddamn hard to wake her up. She's just lost somewhere in her brain, sleeping.. She's like a ghost to me and when I cry and scream all I can do is hope some of it gets through the static to her..

I know I need to grow up and move on, but Kang is the little Korean girl inside of me.. And she's terrified of caring about other things. I don't want to let go of that little girl's hand.. I am the only person who has ever held it, and if I let Kang go she could be lost forever sobbing for her mother. I know it's absurd, but letting life progress without my mother terrifies me. I know I don't need her in my life to be an adult, but.. I wish I hadn't grown up without her. I wish I could call her up and ask how to be an adult.

I can't keep dreaming of a ghost everyday anymore. I have to let little Kang go and allow the adult me to step into life. I can't keep living every goddamn moment in the darkness of being sad, depressed, and angry.. It's completely exhausting.

Naturally I'm taking all this turmoil out on my white friends, and Double D. Being so scared and insecure of letting this dream go gets acted out as me being an extra dick about everything that adult me is sure of and believes in. Like dreaming of a utopia is stupid because everyone is a lying asshole, Best Buy is downsizing in ways the public has yet to understand, and I need people's feelings stated in words and actions to accept that they care.

Also, because I know I'll get a bunch of emails from white people, adoptive parents, as well as my white friends who all think they have "relatable insight" on this, you don't. You just don't This IS NOT like giving up pokemon cards or your baby blanket.

I want to scream. I wish I had branched out and became friends with adoptees my own age. I wish I could talk to an adoptee going through letting their childhood fantasies go..

I'm facing giving up on my dream, my ghost mother, in order to move forward and start living. We all need to grow up one day, but what's the difference between giving up and growing up?