Sunday, 25 September 2011

Letter To Birthmother

Dear Mother:

Hello, I am your daughter. My birth name is Kang Sun Lee, And my adoptive and American name is Morgan Claire Pearson. I am searching for you and writing to you so you know that I am alive. I have been hoping for this my whole life. I can remember wishing for you when I was two years old. I need you to know that though we have been part since I was born, And we are strangers I have always felt a connection to you. I love you more than I could love anyone. I want you to know that you made the right choice. I grew up in a good finically stable home, I went to good schools and am attending college, But I have always missed you. I do not blame you and I have never been angry at you for putting me up for adoption. It is because you had the strength to give me up I know how much you care about me.

I am currently 20. I have dark brown eyes, And dark brown hair. My hair is soo long it reaches over half way down my back. I am 154cm in height and I weigh 91kg. As you can see in the pictures I have a few dark freckles on my cheek and nose, And my eyebrows are very spaced out. The freckles developed as I got older, So I have no birthmarks. I normally wear pants and an oversized long tank top and a nice sweater over it. I love to wear headbands with big bows and long necklaces. What’s interesting about my clothes is that I love to shop at Forever21, And I recently found out that it’s a Korean based store.

I have many different interests in life. I love to go to parks to run and to picnic. I especially love parks around lakes and with water fountains because I love the sound of water so much. I bake really yummy and cute cupcakes. I’ve tried making many Korean dishes like bulgogi, duk bok ki, mandu, sujebi, hoddeok, lots of egg side dishes, And kimchi. My bulgogi and kimchi are surprisingly very good, While my duk bok ki and sujebi turn out very badly. I always manage to overcook both! My best Korean dish is my mandu, It is very juicy and crispy! One of my greatest passions is art. I am very naturally gifted and am a very visual person. I started working with charcoal when I was 15 years old and took to it like a fish takes to swimming. I love to black out the page and pull all the highlights out with an eraser. When I was 18 I started using color pencils and getting into surrealism, Since then that’s what most of my work consists of. I have been a part of a few local galleries, Most prominent would be The Foot in The Door gallery at The Minneapolis Institute of Arts (MIA). No one in my adoptive family is very artistic, So I always thought my gift in art was from your or my birthfather’s families. The other big passion in my life is working with kids specifically Korean adoptees. I volunteer at Korean Culture Camp each summer; It’s always a highlight of each year. I am a good friend, role model, and older sister to many of the campers.

I had a very good education growing up and am still attending to my education now. I went to elementary school, high school and am currently going to college. My first year of college I went to an Ivy League private visual art school as a Fine Art major. I realized that my love of working with Korean adoptees surpassed my love of art. After one year of art school I transferred to a regular college. I am currently a double major of Sociology and Psychology with a specialty in Asian-American Social Culture. I am currently writing a book on my personal views and experiences of international adoption. After college I am moving to Korea and teaching English for two years. I want to learn about and live in the culture; I want to be a part of the traditions I never got to experience. I currently only know a handful of Korean words, But I am trying so hard to learn so if we meet one day I can speak with you.

I am a very outgoing and strong girl; I have always been an extrovert. I love to try new things and go to new places. Since I was adopted, I have never gone back to Korea. I am very excited and planning to go to Korea before I finish college and move there to teach. I am told in my adoption file that your 154cm in height, The same height as me! I am also told that your mother, my grandmother ran a draper’s shop. I was very excited to know that because I really love to sew too! I sew all sorts of unique purses by hand. I am also starting to sew skirts on a sewing machine. I hope to learn about other things we have in common, And any parallels in each other’s lives.

In parting with this letter I send you my whole heart, In hopes you will know how dear to me you are. I love you very much mother, and I love all my birth family very much. I have no true memories of you, But I hope we can make new memories together. I have ached for you, and have cried a sea of longing for you. I hope that you will write back, And I wish on every star that we will meet in the future. I love you mother..

Forever your daughter,

The Good News! (And letter advice)

Hello! So the good news I wanted to share with you was the status of my birthsearch! I handed in all the paper work, And my letter to my birthmother. My social worker Kabin told me it would take around 3 weeks for translating everything and sending it to the Korean agency. Once it’s there they can officially start and conduct the search!! I am so happy and excited that everything is beginning. This has been one of my biggest dreams since I was a child and now it’s really happening. I am so overwhelmed with happiness and filled by a spirit and strength I never knew I had! I truly feel like they will find her.. I don’t know if she’ll be alive or what kind of life she’s living, But I can feel in my heart I will find her.

My biggest hope is that I am not too late to meet her.

I know a lot of adoptees who are scared, freaked out, and intimated by writing a letter to their birth family, People who they ultimately don't know. I was too. I have been writing my mother all sorts of letters since I can remember, But even I was afraid. I froze up and i didn't know what to say. If my mother was dead, Then who would get the note? Who and how should i address it? I couldn't even open up Word. I put it off for 3 days, Then one night i clicked open Word and it all just fell out of me. Kabin gave me a list of things to talk about in my letter, That helped me a lot. It helped me know what should be in the letter, And i just let myself shine through. I didn't ask any questions, I just let my birthfamily as a whole specifically my mother know my thoughts. For me those thoughts were how much I loved and cared about them, That I hoped to meet them one day, And that it's what I've wanted my whole life. I also expressed that I didn't blame her for giving me. All i can say is fallow the sheet your social worker gives you, And make sure you share your thoughts and feelings. I will be posting my letter, Keep in mind that all letters a different because we all have different emotions towards our birth families, and our adoptions.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

My Adoptive Mom.

Hello, I have a lot of good and happy news to share with you from last week, But that will have to wait till tomorrow. Why not tonight? Because today was hard. After some dress shopping for my adoptive sister’s wedding, Me and my adoptive mom when to her mom’s. We found out my cousin had been fired from a job. He had been there about a year, And the whole time had a really critical work environment. According to my adoptive mom during the course of his employment she had been saying he shouldn’t have had to put up with it. This comes from the woman who gave me no support in quitting my last job. I quite my last job because of the racism and the sexual harassment that was both racist and nonracial. I was so mad! My cheeks were burning, And i could feel the tears boiling inside me. I took a chance and asked her why she felt that why, what was the difference? She told me that I had already quite, And to drop it. That I was only trying to “stir up things”. I just wanted her to explain the difference of working with people who are critical and working with racism and sexual harassment. She yelled at me to shut up. She got out of the car and ran into Walgreens to pick up a card. I sat in the car debating on whether I should walk home in the rain, Or try not to cry when she got back. I called my best friend to tell him, And I realized I was done with stepping around things with her. I hung up and as soon as she got back I told her I wanted her to understand and be supportive. She claimed she was and exaggerated as if I were the ridiculous one, “What do you want me to do? Go in there and slap them around for you?”. At that moment I had the strength and spirit of my homeland and my real family bubble out of me! I told her she never believes me on anything! I repeated all the things she said to me when I spoke of the racism and sexual harassment at work. That it was nothing, That it didn’t sound bad and I was blowing things out of proportion, And that only I saw it that way! I told her that is has always been that way. That I get treated differently because I’m an Asian woman, That people see me as a whore like they hear about in the news, That I’ve stopped reading so many books and articles because they used phrases like “wonton whore” as a normal term for an Asian woman. That this racism IS REAL, And it’s in my everyday life. I told her the 1st time I was sexually assaulted was in 5th grade. He grabbed my chest during recess, While laughing at me he said, “I thought Asians were supposed to have flat chests!”. I knew then it was race based, And I couldn’t tell anyone because it was very clear our family didn’t talk about race or adoption.

She disregarded everything I had to say and blamed me for not telling them.. She blamed me.. me.. I was just a kid, I was in 5th grade.. She said they’d obviously had done something if I had said something, But i didn’t. She just kept blaming me…. I squeaked out that when I tried talking to her in junior high I told her I was depressed and needed help she didn’t even look at me and said it was a phase.

She makes me feel like worthless trash. No matter what i say or do, No matter what happens and how much it kills me she doesn’t care. I couldn't count the times I’ve been sexually assaulted because I’m an Asian woman. I am trash to her, i clean myself up and she throws me away again. Now I am just typing this, And I am crying because her blaming me hurts, Her control over my happiness hurts, Her never being there for me hurts. Not having a mother hurts.

Monday, 12 September 2011

Got The Form Noterized, Just The Letter to go!

Hello hello! I am excited, invigorated, and feeling pretty spunky! Although right after this I am going to take a crash nap, Lolz. Boring news and excuses first, I was going to fool around with making my first vlog for my new Youtube account (KangSunLee1991), But i never went to sleep last night so I’m really tired! Now for what is kicking me up with spunk! I got my form from Kabin notarized!! I took some pictures of certain parts of the forms to commemorate the day, But I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be posting such documents. Regardless I’ll edit them up a bit and post them somewhere; Who knows maybe I’ll get fancy and they’ll show up in my first vlog! All in all today was a great day, Much better than I could have imagined when I was getting ready for the bank this morning. I was nervous about getting the forms done, And strangely not nervous about getting started on my letter to my birthmother and family.

After the lovely woman with the hardcore German name that I cannot read off my sheet stamped my document this amazing weight lifted off my shoulders I felt so excited. As I walked out the door I felt very happy and incredibly optimistic about the search. It’s not that I try to be negative to not get my hopes up into fantasy, But i do keep myself in a strong check to make sure I stay with in reality. I am now realizing with all the hope I do have in finding her regardless of what that ends up meaning I can be optimistic about it without it going to far. I have wanted to start this search my whole life and as soon as I am done with my letter I can hop over to the Children’s Home Society and have them send everything to the Korean agency. Something pretty big I didn’t share with any of you before is I have a lot of information about my birthmother. I didn’t even know her name was my file let alone two paragraphs about her family and parts of her life at the time until I was 19. I definitely have a lot more to share with you, But I am straining to stay awake to post this, Lolz. I really do need some sleep, And then I will finish picking out pictures I want to send along with my letter, And then I will be writing that letter. 감사합니다.

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Starting My Birth Search

Hello, I am a South Korean adoptee. My adoptive American name is Morgan Claire Pearson, And my birthname given to me by my foster mother after my birthfamily name is Kang Sun Lee. Please feel free to call me by either name. I am 20 years old and grew up/still live in Lakeville, Minnesota. I am making this blog along with vlogs to document my search for my birthmother Joo Sook Lee. I sent in my first request forms for the search about a month ago to the Children’s Home Society in St. Paul, MN. This is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. I have always felt a need and love for my birthmother and birthfamily. I always had an emptiness growing up; The hole I could never fill was my lack of family. I am not emotionally close to my adoptive family. I have always had a huge disconnect with them. Most people think that sounds like I’m ungrateful, But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I am so very grateful I grew up finically stable in a safe neighborhood in a safe town. I am so very glad for all the opportunities I’ve had growing up with the white privilege of my adoptive parents. I am especially grateful for the full education I’ve had and am still attending to. I am also very sad that we could never pull together as a family; It will always be one of the biggest shadows in my life.

With this search I am putting nearly impossible childhood fantasies to the test. Since i was a little girl my birhtmother was everything to me, She was more magical than Santa Claus, And in my mind she loved me more than anything because that’s how much I loved her. Today I still love her more than I could love anyone in the world. In reality i know she could be dead, or not want me in her life, Or her family doesn’t want me to exist because of the dishonor, Or she's married and has a family and kids. I constantly have to remind myself of what want her wants and needs could be, and what her current life could be so i don't put all my chips on one roll. It’s because off all these things and my wanting for a family is why I am searching for my birthmother. I also want to know why I was put up for adoption, if any of my birthfamily knows I exist somewhere, And to let them know that I am alive and that I love them.

The other day on the 9th i experienced a lot of heavy adoption/birthsearch stuff. I am scared, excited, and more lost than i thought i'd be from starting this. I learned that not everything will bring me closer to relief, But that each step will be a great challenge to pull under my belt. When I got the call from my social worker for my search, Kabin, I felt so overwhelmed. She told me a lot of things I didn’t know, And took me through the process of the search. She gmailed me the forms she needs in order for the agency in Korea to officially start the search. Since I got off the phone with her I keep needing to take a minute to just consecrate on breathing. I keep trying to slow down, But my heart is racing. My emotions are high because I keep bursting into tears. My eyes keep filling with hot tears, tears of sadness, tears of loss and being lost, and tears of hope. I have so much hope, But I am also afraid. Sometimes the fear feels like it’s squeezing the tears out of me. I am afraid of all the bad things and even the good things that could come from this search.

The comments area is a safe place for anyone to post. If you feel uncomfortable, Or would like to ask something personal about me or of yourself please feel free to e-mail me directly. My e-mail for all my adoptive related writings is :]

I am prepared as I can be for the beginning of this search. I am ready for this, I am ready to know the truth, And I know right now is right for me. My next post will be more about my current self and the work I do with Korean adoptees. I’m very excited to share and explore more with you, Thank you so much for joining me. 감사합니다.