Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Room For Marriage?

Hello Readers. Yesterday I had a real perfect day.. I felt so truly content and just happy. I spent the morning and early afternoon with KADs at a BBQ to kick off our summer events. Then I hit the water park at Mall of America with a few white friends. Finally I rounded off the evening with dinner and park time with one of my best gal pals. But a couple friends had asked me the same question: If I could ever see myself fully committing to someone in marriage. Before today I had always said yes and that it was something I wanted. Now I'm not so sure about the yes.

Why am I scared of relationships now? There's a number of reasons that any person could have, but then there's reasons that are just me. I am scared that no one will love me enough for me to stay with them. I'm scared that no one will love me enough to make up for the loss of my birth mother.. I know it's not a husband's job to do, but I'm not sure if I'll ever let go of her enough to make room for a husband. I fear I will always love her more and put her first. Letting her go so that my relationships can move forward is terrifying. It's like letting her slip through my fingers to hold someone else's hand. That just feels... So wrong.

I have this feeling I'll never find her or any of my birthfamily, and on some level I can accept that. But letting things go to move forward makes the little girl inside of me scream, what if I compleat loose my mother? As a young adult I know that letting my birthmother go a little would be incredibly healthy, but little KangSun just refuses it.

At the rate I'm letting go, I'll never have a free hand for someone to marry.


Friday, 9 May 2014

Mother's Day Weekend 2014.

Hello Readers. Do you know what this weekend is? It's Mother's Day on Sunday. As a kid I had to celebrate it (as well as Father's Day), but as a young adult I sneak out of it. In the case of my adoptive family's situation I don't feel comfortable celebrating such holidays. But I also hate birthdays and Christmas. This weekend my adoptive mom flew in my pregnant adoptive sister. They have the whole weekend planned with dinners, shopping, and ending with brunch with my maternal adoptive grandma.

They have the whole weekend planned.

My adoptive mom keeps texting me updates, and I just.. I simply don't feel like I belong to any of these family outings, and it makes me really sad. Yesterday I was talking to my therapist racking my brain as to why my adoptive mom was flying her out when she'd be flying out to see the baby in summer. Then it hit me; my adoptive sister is going to be *a mother*.  I don't feel like a sister or an aunt, and I didn't even realize my adoptive sister as a mother-to-be. That's how disconnected to her I am.

I am so friggen stressed over seeing her at Sunday brunch that.. I can't sleep at all. The other night I cut off 3 small pieces of my skin. The person she is when she's not under someone's thumb, when she is so comfortable she's being weirder than me.. That's the funny silly creeper I miss.

I grew up with this woman, only four years apart, and we have become compleat strangers. All we have in common now is the paperwork.

I miss my birthmother..

This sucks.