Hello Readers ^_^ Today is my 24th birthday, Golden birthday, the 24th anniversary of the day my mother met me and had to give me, and sadly.. I'm the same age my mother was when she got raped into having me.
I always dread my birthday, but try and put on a good American show of it. People tend to be super pissy if you don't participate in your own birthday. While I'm not a birthday person, I've been dreading today in particular.
But this year will actually be really fantastic. I grabbed my free birthday Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny's with one of my best friends from high school. Why? Because it's free, she loves Denny's, and I have special sentiment in the film Smoke Signals. A film my adoptive KAD sister had to watch for school, but we ended up loving it. I order exactly what the character does the story, and it's kind of nice to think of my adoptive KAD sister that way.
Now I'm at Starbucks for my free birthday coffee. After this I'll finally shower and get dolled up, meet one of my dearest friends for coffee, then off to dinner with a few KAD ladies I've grown to really care about too. It's weird, I just realized all my closest friends this year are females.. I literally haven't had that since elementary school. Growth ^_^!!
As much as I've been dreading my 24th, being the same age as my mother when everything hit the fan.. I feel ok about it. I love her, and I'm sure she loves me in some way. Maybe we don't need to be together or even contact each other to be happy. As much as I miss her, as much as I cry for her.. Today feels good. I feel fantastic. Maybe this year will be better ^_^!!
In other news, I met a fellow. Let's call him Apple, because I'm feeling highly unoriginal today. I quietly saw him for a month, so naturally the weekend I started telling a few friends.. He broke it off. Happy Korean New Year. Totally shitty and 100% on me. It was sweet and I was surprisingly comfortable with him, instantly comfortable, and even wanting of it. We had sleepovers, stayed out all night, slept all morning, and get this.. I fucking cuddled with him! Cuddling Level: Falling asleep and waking in each others arms. All things that in my sex addiction I found to be completely unnecessary, insufferable, and repulsive.. But the desire to only want healthy guys makes me feel differently. The changes and happiness in me made my reaction to meeting Apple different.
He's one of few men I've liked in recent years, and literally the only one that wasn't physically abusive, sexually abusive, or emotionally/verbally abusive. I've met handfuls of truly nice guys just like Apple, but I either Lemmon law them or be clear I'm one and done. It's my evaluation of myself that's changed how I interact with the world.
**I deserve a kind person, and I want to be emotionally close with someone.**
Apple broke it off.. Really, I don't blame him. He shared a lot of personal stuff about his past relationships and future ambitions. I always froze, changed the subject, or made a joke. I realized as much as I finally wanted romantic things, I have no clue how to romantically date. First off, all of my relationships and hookups were extremely unhealthy. I've never had a proper relationship in my life. Secondly, how the fuck do you tell a super swell fella that your entire life as evolved around rape, in clouding your conception. My adoptee story is such a bummer that KBS has been rejecting it for years. They keep saying it's too sad to air.
I'm starting 24 out pretty well, with lots of new feelings and ideas about myself that I've never experienced before. I think that's dank as hell ^_^. I think my mother would be really happy for me, happy to see that at her age I'm starting to get a more positive view of myself. Maybe she did kill herself over all the crazy when I was a baby, and maybe she's been watching this whole time, maybe she's been waiting to give me this burst of warm energy.
I love you mother, Happy anniversary.