Friday, 27 April 2012

North Korea

Hello Readers. I have been intensely researching all sorts of things on adoptees and Korean culture for the past few years. I have watched many films and interviews, and have read many articles and books on North Korea as well. Sometimes I make stupid jokes that maybe I'm really North Korean.. But it never struck me until now watching Anthony Bordan's No Reservations that while most if not all of my birth family may not know I exist and have been separated from them. They could know of family that they have been separated from, They could have family still trapped in North Korea.

It has always hurt me to know of what North Korea really is; What their daily life is and how brainwashed they are. I have seen and heard things most Americans never will and cold never even imagine..

I know I have family I've been separated from my whole life in South Korea. It only hit me a few months ago that my foster family is like my second family for raising me when I had to be given up by my birth mother. I am again realizing other losses I have to grieve. I could have family trapped in North Korea, I could have family that has been brainwashed for generations believing their leader is good, and grace, and God. My heart has always aches for my brothers and sisters trapped in the North, but I never thought of family members encased in their leader's tomb.

The Lee family could all be living with an incredible loss and crushing pain of never knowing of their loved ones trapped in the North. I can only hope that by gaining the daughter, granddaughter, niece, aunt they never knew they were missing will help fill the that loss.. Help fill their hearts with something more than loss.

I do have something new to fear in this birth search, and my heart aches from this shock.

Thursday, 19 April 2012

Goodbye Kabin.

Hello Readers. A few days ago I got an email from my social worker for my birth search, Kabin. She sent it out to all her clients.. She resigned from Children's Home Society. She said all her cases will not be put on hold, and that her supervisor will be handling them until other social workers pick them up. I haven't told anyone about this yet because I don't want to believe that the person I started this search with will no longer be there. I do not want to believe that I will have to share everything again, all the negative and scary facts have to be retold.. All my feels, all my hopes and dreams, and my biggest fear.

It's times like these when I wish my birth mother could hold me and tell me that she loves me and I will get through this.. But I am doing this to find her.

I feel so discouraged, freaked out, and so scared. The hardest parts of these searches is having the nerve to start them, having the hope to wait, and knowing your whole world will change at the end. I can't believe I have to start again.. Starting once was hard enough. I haven't even emailed her back or told any of my friends because I do not want to believe this. I started this with her, and now I have to share the dark intimate details again..

That I'm searching to find the home and family I never got in America. That my birth mother told the hospital she was raped by two men and her friends house. That she never told my father about me to protect us. That a friggen psychic told me she gave me up because she knew she was sick and died from it when I was still a kid, and even though I believe in science it fucks with my head. That her family has so much in common with my adoptive family..

That my biggest fear in this search and in my whole heart is that she is already dead, and I am too late to hear her say she loves me and I will only be able to tell her gravestone how much I love her. How do I tell this new social worker how scared I am.

어머니 당신을 찾기 위해 검색을 시작하고, 적어도 감정적으로 나는 새로운 사회 복지사와 함께 다시 시작해야합니다. 난 널 사랑해, 난 당신을 찾을 것입니다.

Tuesday, 3 April 2012

I Am A Foolish Girl (Two)

Hello Readers. Did you know that I am too Asian, too cute, too sexy, too intelligent, And too much of a good person? That's all I've been hearing the past few weeks, and it is really bumming me out. It seems to be isolating me more now that people are pointing it out vs me just noticing it on my own. How can't be too Asian? I look extra Asian because I got bangs cut, I wear mostly Korean based clothing, and sure I wear bows in my hair. It's strange that just looking on way can be too much, even though culturally I'm at a huge lose for being "too Asian". Too cute? Fine I'll give that to them. As much as I love the bows, they also make me look more sweet than 21. Maybe I like bows because I know it's a Korean thing to be ekyo, or maybe I like them because I am just too cute.

Too sexy, now that one is even strange to me at times. Some people are really into Asians, some people have Asian fetishes. And hey I well aware that I'm a Plus size girl, and some people have creepy fetishes for it, another are super turned off by it. But then.. There is that special brand of creepy where you don't see many super Asian looking woman who have a bigger but line and hips.. A select few might consider it just the right kind of unique rarity.. Of course I run like hell from all of these people!

Am I really too intelligent? I really don't believe there is such a thing, it's seems pretty impossible to have gained too much knowledge. Thats just my belief those if we put my brain in different settings sure, I am too smart and it sucks. But unlike the popular belief it is not because I'm Asian or because of how I was raised. Intelligence is something that cannot be taught, it's is a brand of thinking that you either have or you don't.. But most people seem to lack this quality, not staying everyone isn't smart.. Just that the majority aren't profoundly intelligent. My brand of thought pretty much isolates me even my smartest of friends. Most of whom are in from sort of mathematical and tech/IT sciences. I don't solve those puzzles though, I solve social ones. If I weren't intelligent I would fit in better. I could lead my life more blissfully, all this adoption and Asian stuff would matter so much less to me. Sometimes I wish I was less self aware and more blissful, my mind would weigh so much less.

Too much of a good person? This is by far the most confusing to me. I try really hard to be a good friend, and I put a lot of effort into all of my relationships new and old. To be honest a lot of times I just get fed up, and kind of duck out for a few days or a week. I never duck out on the adoptees I work with, but they're just teens who need someone to talk to. I've been told I'm a really old person almost everyday this past week actually. It bewilders me, and makes me wonder how much of myself I don't put out there.. Because I think I try and do good and make some sort if difference, but a lot of times I feel it's out of selfishness.

All of these "too" things combined some how leads to most of my closest friends having some sort of beyond friends feelings for me emotion, physical, or both. Some how in my eyes it all connects to be being a Korean adoptee. I think I'd be accepted in a more appropriate way, and loved by my fiends as just a friend for being me. if I was white and not adoptee trying to make a difference in the international adoptee community. I also believe it to be selfish of me to stay close with my friends who do have extra feelings for me that I do not reciprocate. I should step out of their lives so they can move on and find some they could actually have something with. Instead I am selfish, but if I stepped out for them then I just wouldn't have any friends.. And I do not want to further isolate myself form the worlds population.

Readers I wish I could change all these things about me all the time. To be less Asian and more western looking, to not be Hello Kitty cute, to be attractive regardless of my race, to be more blissful, and to just care less about people. But I cannot be that all-American girl, I like bows, I can't change my biology, I cannot let my mind waste, and I cannot stop being an adoptee who grew up empty and wants to help other find ways to be fulfilled. I wish I could change these things but I can't. I really am the foolish one, just nobody notices that.