Tuesday, 24 December 2013

A New Christmas Eve.

Hello a Readers. Every year my friends and lovers offer to take me home for the holidays. Naturally every year I decline. While I don't attend Christmas with my extended family, I do have a short Christmas morning with my adoptive family. This year this have been so different.

My adoptive parents left me home alone to be with their white daughter in AZ. I'm still super pissed and hate them over it. Me and Double D are over so his handmade card and gift is sitting on my work space. I have this whole cold house to myself..

Originally I was planning a hipster rager to fill the house, a handful of hipster friends, hipster lovers, and all of their hipster stranger friends. A drunk on cheep beer, vintage glasses, sexy single in oversized sweaters kind of thing. But since I'm mature and responsible, I decided to invite a few close friends for dinner. A spaghetti a and meatball dinner in fact! It turned out to be a few more than 4 people, and now they're all started calling to Spaghetti Christmas.

Another change for this year is accepting one of those friend offers. B is one of the handful of ladies I'd ever call to friend, one of my dearest friends actually. We actually met in elementary school at Girl Scout camp, and then went to junior high and high school together. We actually weren't close until later in high school. I'm lucky to know to her and have her in my life.

B and her family invited me to their Christmas Eve dinner. I actually had a lot of fun, it was interesting to see a well functioning, Caucasian-American extended family. They actually talked me into coming over tomorrow as well, but I'm going to dip out around 5pm. I need to get home and start things for Spaghetti Christmas @8pm.

Before I headed over to B's the woman who is like my big sister stopped by. Let's call her Lady C. I hadn't been able to meet up with her since I got back form as. Korea. She's also a Korean tootle and she really understands the things I go through as an adoptee. She is such a strong amazing woman, she my older sister, and my role model. I can't think of another person I'd aspire to be. We're hoping to see each other one more time before break is over for me.

I guess we'll see how Spaghetti Christmas goes..


Monday, 23 December 2013

Christmas Wishes.

Hello Readers.

I wish I had white skin.
I wish I could read and speak my birth language.
I wish I had been raised in a home filled with love.
I wish my adoptive parents could look past my skin.
I wish we had worked out as an adoptive family.
I wish those jerks weren't leaving me on Christmas.
I wish my adoptive sister and I were talking.
I wish we had said goodbye when she left.

I wish I was home in Korea for the holidays.
I wish I could find my mother.
I wish she could find me.

Every year since my baby time it's been the same sad empty feelings. But this year is different. I've been home, I've tasted Korea, and I've felt her heart on the breeze. I've been tearing my life apart for almost 23 years, and there's still no her. Not being home is killing me.

What I wish for most of all.. To see a picture, hear her voice, and tell her I love her.


Wednesday, 18 December 2013

The Slut Vote: Abortion.

Hello Readers. It's been awhile, let's talk about Rocking The Slut Vote.

I'm not a feminist, but I rock the SLUT vote hard! I love sex and love birth control. I don't need justify that I didn't ask to be raped. I believe in abortion rights for all woman. An adoptee supporting abortion? Well if there's not a legal way to do it, people will find other ways and none of us want that, do we?

Honestly people can abort, not abort, put up the baby for adoption, or keep the baby. That's not up to me. It's their body and their life. But for me personally, I could never abort my baby or give my child up for adoption. I'm a Korean adoptee, and my birth mother was raped by two male burglars. I was conceived through rape.

I am a rape baby who's been verbally sexually harassed, sexually assaulted, molested, and raped. But my birthmother put the part of me that was her first, and I can't imagine myself doing it any other way. Because of how I came into this world I believe if the fetus is aborted, but is still alive it should have it's own set of laws as a person, not the mother's property. If you didn't know born alive fetuses are considers the mother's property, not her child. She has ownership of "it" and it is illegal to save the fetus, or help it die quicker or painlessly.

A born alive fetus should be considered separate from the mother. If born alive we should be allowed to save the fetus' life, that's what all living things want right? Think of it as an extreme case of coming across someone that's unconscious and not breathing. Since they're unable to speak for themselves, it's legally assumed they want to live and if certified you can start helping them. I believe abortion should be legal, but a once the fetus has left the mother's body. She should not have ownership of it.

Do what's right for you, but also consider all the possibilities of doing the opposite. 


Monday, 11 November 2013

Car Crashes, Death, & Modern Love Letters

Hello Readers. Let's get serious.. On Halloween I crashed and totaled my car. No one was hurt. But my air bag went off, and it hits you so hard and flatly.. I could have sworn I was dying, but really my mind was what had been thrown through the windshield, laying on the ground, fists full of wet grass, no tears.. Bracing myself as hot blood pourd out and my body went cold.. I thought I was dying.

In those moments of impact I thought about Christina, a girl my adoptive sister went to high school with who's face was so damaged by going through the windshield.. When a classmate found her body, he said, "her face didn't look human."

Then I thought of Kayla, a girl I grew up sharing the same classes with. She t-boned a truck our senior year and passed later that week. I had been in a similar car crash 2 years ago and thanked her for protecting us then, and I get why she couldn't do it twice.

Out of no where I thought of my adoptive mom.. And how truly sad I am it never worked out for us. I was sorry all I did was fill her need of motherhood with disappointment.

I thought of my birthmother and how happy I was to see my home this summer. That if she was alive I'd be watching over her, and if she had passed her little girl would be with her soon.

Lastly I thought of Double D and how it broke my heart he wasn't the last man I had kissed.. Then I became aware I was buckled in, perfectly safe, and fine. But for those 5 moments the whole world stopped. I wasn't praying to God or see bright halo lights, nor did I feel the heat of flames. What I thought were my final thoughts were confessions I wish someone had been around to hear. I thought my heart had stopped, and I must have been dying, bleeding out somewhere on the ground.. I was dying alone.

On Halloween I crashed my car, and walked away with only a mild concussion and a scratch on my chin. I had just left my friends after a show, and ended up on the phone with Double D. It was the first time we had takes in 2 months. I was heading to his place, but it ended up being a long night of towing, and the ER.  I wasn't able to talk to anyone until the next day.

I texted Double D I was sorry I didn't make it. I didn't want him to think I got freaked out and turned around. He texted that when I didn't show up after an hour he knew something was wrong. He typed that he does care about me a lot and that he was so worried. We made plans to go out later that night and I stayed with him. Once we broke into our first kiss he wouldn't let me go, like he thought I'd get hurt again. He kept kissing my forehead and squeezing me tight, like he had to protect me. As much as I crave that sense of special belonging, it also freaked me out. 

That night he suddenly brought up adoption. He talked about how hard it must be to be a birth parent. He said it's not the feeling of loosing a child, it's the not knowing that kills you. Not knowing if your baby is alive or dead, not knowing where they are. He told me how scared he got not knowing if I was alive or dead.

Few white people can understand adoption that well. I'm so quick to kick people out of my life that I forget some people do understand even though they can't feel it. I can't keep kicking people out just because it's not working, or because I'm scared if getting hurt. I have to stop reacting and start working through things with people.

I need to give friends a real chance to get close to me.



Thursday, 24 October 2013

I'm Searching Again!!

Hello Readers. My case worker got back to me the other day. There is no new method in searching with KAS, but holy crap did she figure out something major!! She told me when the KAS laws were put in place my case slipped through their fingers. This means I got very lucky and my search was processed by the old way of the police searching for a missing person. My search was *never* processed through KAS, making me eligible to search through them now. I have a new chance at finding her!!

Tonight I'm filling out the forms to petition KAS to take me case, and I'm updating what I've put in my file. This means new pictures and I'm even writing a new letter to my birthmother. I can't wait to tell her about trip home to Korea and how much I could feel her and felt at home! I hope it makes her so happy to know I've felt home. I feel like a kid coming home from an awesome day at school.. I can't wait to tell my mother all the wonderful things that I've been up to since I started searching for her.

I'm so full of joy in telling her all this news I'm shaking. It almost makes me forget that she may never hear the news. Even if she never makes contact and they can only read my letters over the phone, I think she'd be really happy for me. I think she'd be really proud that despite everything we've been through, her little girl is grown up and making it. So tonight I'm filling out forms and writing my mother. I'm making collages of myself, and will decompress with some adoptee books.

Tonight I start my 2 year search again. My hope, heart, and world has been revitalized!


Monday, 21 October 2013

KAS: New Searching Method

Hello Readers. Today my case worker will be back in the office and she'll shoot me an email about the *new method* of birth searching through KAS. If I don't try this and remain inactive, they'll close my case on New Years and I can try again in a few years.

I have no idea what this new method is and I'm still very sketchy on how KAS works. The number one thing I've learned in the past two years is they always know more than they can tell you. But I'm sick of being in hiding. Knowing my case is considered "inactive" makes me a little sick of myself. I need to shake all the bad from my trip home, so I can get my head back in the game. This means admitting what happened over there, the parts I didn't enjoy.. The parts that made me cry, want to give up, and fly stateside everyday.

It sucks not talking about it with people, but I'd like to hold into my pride for a little bit longer. Eventually I'll spill the beans later this week. Promise.

For now my head is all about this new hope in searching. I don't know what the new method or challenges with it will be, but this is another shot at searching. It's only a tiny ray of light through the grey clouds.. But it's still so warm and perfectly golden on my skin. Truth be told I'm still very worn from summer's touch, but to not soak this in now would be me letting down myself. And I have enough white people letting me down already! I'm ready to start bad-assing my adoptee issues again!

Ok fellow KADs, Listen up! Let's get on our war paint, let's go in fearless, and part these clouds for a chance of hope! This is my best shot for the next 3 years, and maybe at the best Christmas I could ever dream of..


Friday, 4 October 2013

A Lonely Holiday II

Hello Readers. I really hate my adoptive parents right now. Who leaves their disturbed child alone for the holidays? I feel like I could disappear and nothing would change in their life. If I didn't have such a thirst to go back to Korea I'd kill myself in their house. Give them the best present to come home to; a real fucking Christmas miracle for them! Maybe evoke some sort of emotion out of them that they hurt me that fucking much and this is not a phase!! I hate them!!

I just want to scream, and cry, and shout at them until they fucking get it!! They are not good parents, but they are all I have. I hate every single thing about them right now and I hate that I need them so badly. When are they going to wake up and realize that they have a child desperate for their attention. Desperate for some thing besides money from them. I can't continue to never be enough for them to fucking care about!! Ahhhh!!!

Everyone keeps saying I should come home with them for Christmas, or our friends should have our own Christmas together. Every year it's the same.. I skip the extended family Christmases, but at least there was always Christmas morning with.. My parents. Everyone makes these offers, but I'm too ashamed to have to explain to someone's family why I'm not with my own family. That I'm adopted and my adoptive parents don't love me. The truth is kind of bummer when carving the Christmas ham.

Of course lots of people have Christmas parties and I attend, but my closest groups have never been ones to want such an event. Why force them to have an extra social event to worry about? But like any person I wish I had a Ted Mosby around. A best friend that would fuck off Christmas and try and give me some cheer.

I'm thinking about taking the same days off my parents are gone. Either throw a couple parties, or stay home and cry on the floor. As brilliant as those options are I do have the 3rd option of getting out of town. I need to get my head out of this mess. I'm still looking for a way to get stronger.

Basically Readers this Christmas I will be alone. I have to find a sense of real family somewhere, because this life. This life isn't working.


Sunday, 29 September 2013

A Lonely Holiday.

Hello Readers. So I hurried home from work today all excited because after a month of super cut hours, this week and next week are finally full! I was pretty happy and pleased with myself. On the way to my room, I popped a seat in the computer room to tell my adoptive mom I won't be so bored to death. She replied by informing me my adoptive dad and her will be flying out to see my sister in Arizona for Christmas.

I'm spending Christmas alone.

She caught me so off guard all I could say was, "Well I hate the holidays anyway so.." I walked out and my heart just sank.. I am so mad at them for leaving me during one of the hardest times of year. The biggest day for celebrating family, to be around the people who are supposed to love you the most.. And they're leaving me.

This is one of those times I wish I had someone to call. I'm just crying my eyes out becuaseoming I'm at such a total loss. They've been devastating me my whole life, but this.. This is a whole new league that I am not ready for. I'll be in this frosted house by myself for the holidays. I don't even know what else to say. I need to find a way to be stronger than this; I have to..

I'll be alone on Christmas; Winter is truly the coldest time of the year.


Saturday, 21 September 2013

Leaving Home, Funeral March.

Hello Readers. I know I haven't touched many details on my trip home. I'm still not ready to talk about it; I'm not sure if and when that will be possible. I actually have this weird buffer story when my friends ask about it. I think I'd cry on the spot if I told someone what happened. Truthfully not even Double D knows exactly what happened, and how things are with him right now.. So no one knows the truth of what happened in Korea, and I have no one to confess to. 

What I'm ready to share with you all now is something I wrote during my last movements home, when I was at the airport alone..

I'm sitting at my gate 3 hours early.. Every line I've stood in has been a funeral march, like I'm letting the Korean girl I finally met die again. I've kept a stiff upper lip, but it would be so truly therapeutic to start bawling and breaking down right now. It's taken me 22 years to get here, and after a short 6 weeks I have to leave my home, Again. The cruel part is having to force myself onto the plane. It's like giving yourself up for adoption again, but you're an adult and you can stop it. Damn it I wish I could just fucking stop this.

I stayed up last night and didn't sleep at the airport either. I was actually a little delusional when I got on the plane. I ended up falling asleep while taxiing and taking off. Who would have thought I'd have slept through leaving home. I'm glad a I did though.. It's better than crying on the plane like last time.. 


Friday, 13 September 2013

What If I can't Have Children?

Hello Readers. Last night I turned on How I Met Your Mother. **Spoiler Alert: Season 7, episode 18** It's the episode where Kevin asked Robbin to marry him. Before she can say yes she has to tell him that she's unable to have children,. And they break up. This made me think about how my friends always tell me I'm Robbin. Running from relationships, not wanting kids, maybe wanting one kid, wondering if I could ever adopt, knowing I could never abort or give up my child.. But it also made me think of something else.

I have been sexually active since I was 15. I've had 6 partners that I've had sex with, and 95% of time it's been unprotected. Now let me be clear, If you are having sex you should protect yourself. I have been extremely lucky in not getting pregnant and never contracting a sexually transmitted disease. That being said I know it's horrifying irresponsible and immature, but I absolutely hate condoms! I'm a total bro on using condoms, Plus fluid bonding is pretty wicked hot. I'm a terrible woman for not protecting myself.

But the fact that I never protect myself makes me wonder.. Am I really just that lucky, or is something really wrong?

When a guy didn't pull out in time or we decided to just have fun and not care, I always got Plan B in the morning. And I've always had my period. There was nothing more to worry about than not getting pregnant. But now I'm 22 and I know I'm hoping my next relationship(s) will lead to marriage and a family.

With that in mind, How can I let someone really love me before I know if family will be an option with me? How can I let someone walk in a house that may never hold a cradle. So today I'm going to sit my adoptive mom down and tell her my concerns.. If there's anything in my life that she has to understand it's this. I need to know.

Normally I'd realize needing to do something super big and important, and then put it off for 3 weeks. But this time I'm doing it as soon as possible. Family is too important to me to put on hold due to fear. Plus regardless of how the news goes, I do have someone very special to tell. Incredibly special.

Double D and I are officially together. We are boyfriend and girlfriend, even Facebook says so. I'm a hair still walking on egg shells, gonna let it settle in before counting all the stars. We both have a lot going on in our lives, but we joke/talk about the what ifs. Now I'm not saying we're already planning a family or are making a crazy dash to the finish line. But we (mostly he) say what ifs all the time like.. What if we got engaged soon, what if we got married right now, what about kids, and what about living in Korea/Japan.

Now days it's a lot more acceptable for people to get married even through their 30s. But Double D is closing his mid 20s and I'm closing my early 20s. But he knows I look at this relationship as something that could lead to family. He actually said something to the effect of, "But I mean that's what you want right? A family." And I said "Yes of course." We're both still looking for ourselves, but I think we both have the idea that this relationship or if there's ones after us, they all are with a hope at an end goal.

I'd like to think that one day I'll find myself as mentally healed as possible. In love with someone who's in love with me, a real stable relationship that leads to marriage. But without knowing if it's possible for me to carry a child first.. It really comes down to I'm either the luckiest girl in the world and need find birth control that works for me, or my adoptive mom and I have the worst thing in common and it's not her bullheadedness.

If I'm unable to have children and never find my mother.. What a slap in the face that would be. I always hear adoptees say they have something more special than other bio parents. They have a deeper more magical connection, because when they first see their child that's the first time they've met someone with the same face as theirs.

I'm really scared I might not be able to have children.


Thursday, 12 September 2013

One Day I'll Let Her Go.

Hello Readers. I actually wrote this last night, but it was really late so I didn't get to posting until now. I'm currently working on another blog right now, but I wanted to get this out first,

Tonight I'm at the park. It's a small lovely park with water features and a soothing amount of lights. It's my safe place and my haven. The place I ran to as a kid when things at home were too much to bare and things with my lovers felt too perfect to be safe. I swear when I'm here it's like my own little world. It's where everything else gets paused and I can just breath.

Fun Fact: This is also the safe place I think of when I get too stressed out. It totally works, therapy kicks ass!

Tonight I'm thinking of my mother. I'm not wondering where she is or crying my eyes out over the separation. I wonder how much searching I'll do until I accept she's gone. Will it be when I'm married and have my own kids? Or will I go crazy and snap? Will I wake up one morning and know it's time, and softly whisper goodbye while sipping morning tea.

Maybe every year until I pass I'll contact my adoption agency to boost my search and hope for the best. An anniversary for it sounds nice, but could I handle that kind of yearly disappointment? Or would it almost become mundane through the years of finding nothing.

I can see me old and grey in the hospital.. Holding my husband's hand, my eyes full of tears.. Telling him, "This is it, this is the end of the line, no more searching.. I have to accept she's gone." I'm not sure how my search will end one day, and I don't know when.. But I'm terrified of the day I give it up. I'm scared for her to really be gone.

Part of me hopes I have a super awesome kid who loves Korean things. I hope they fall in love with Korea and see it as a form of home. I hope they know that's where Mommy's and Grandma's hearts are. When I do pass I hope my child goes to Korea at least one last time to feel us both. They get to feel my love everyday, see my face, and know their father is a good person that loves and respects their mother. I need them to go to Korea and feel our lost family's love..

Nothing is more important than family. If my child learns anything from me it will be how much family means and how much love matters.


Friday, 6 September 2013


Hello Readers. Lets jump right in. When I was growing I used to write letters to my mother all the time. When I had a more serious relationship I'd tell her about the guy, hoping maybe one day those letters would matter. I'd write thinking one day I'd meet her and she's read through what was going through my head from when my husband and I first started dating. She'd read about our happiness and our trials. We'd get a glimpse of what it would have been like had she given me her motherly advice.

Now days that seems so stupid to do. I wish I could call her up after a weird date or a really good one. I wish I could stop by for tea and tell her how I almost cried over a boy. I wish when I cried late at night I could call her up or shoot her text to meet me for coffee in the morning, but if she was right there all the time.. I wouldn't have so much to cry about.

Double D always tells me I can call him when I need someone to cry to. That he's there for me. Plus him and everyone else don't believe I cry. I guess I'm too strong of a kid. Now when I have the balls to call someone, to trust someone, to tell them I love them.. It's all perfectly timed with having no one answering.

If I had someone to call I'd be screaming into the phone that I am so mad! That I really do hope my mother is happy and has a family! But if she was going to have this normal simple life why can't I be apart of it now! Why won't she put her name on something so I can find her, or better yet why isn't she or one of my siblings looking for me! Why do they get our mother! Why do they get a real dad! Why do they get to be made from joy and love! Why did I get shafted and have to be from hate, rape, and be American! It is not fair.

If I had her number I'd call her up right now and cry into the phone begging her for those things! I want all of those things. I had a lame suburban up bringing, but I never had the family or loving parents part. I had a loving mother, but I never got to know her or have a childhood with her. And the siblings I hope I have, they got the loving mother and the childhood. All I had was the basketball hoop and no one to play with or teach me how to hold the ball. All I had was the bat and figured out how choke it when other parents yelled it. It's funny to think many of my friends now that used to play soccer. They still have soccer shit all over their house, and I don't. My parents never came to anything, so we don't display memories they weren't apart of.

So tonight I'm in bed. There is no one next me and I have no one to call. I am alone. Crying about the childhood I never had and the parenting I never got. Upset that my $200 cellphone is completely useless and wondering why I bother to charge it.

I wish I had someone to call.

Monday, 2 September 2013

Dear Daddy: You Raped Mommy.

Hello Readers. This is a blog none of us expected. I've accepted negotiating my relationship with my adoptive family. I've accepted that I'm culturally Caucasian-American. I've accepted that I'll never be fully Korean, and I've accepted that I'm a rape baby. But you know what I haven't face yet? My mother's rapist. I kept my focus on her and only viewed him as a faceless rapist. But he is not faceless.. When I look in the mirror I see him everyday; Half of me is him. Regardless of the violent way it came about, He is my father and I am his daughter. This is my letter to daddy.

Dear Father--

I wish you had been a better person. I wish you weren't a burglar. I wish you hadn't hurt my mother and her friend. I wish you had been someone else. Someone nice, and kind, who loved my mother. Someone who could love me as their daughter. I wish my father had been a good guy, who met and respected my mother. Someone who cared so much about her he fallen in love, but instead I have you. And you hurt us.

You stole her innocence; you took the joy out of her first pregnancy. You made it so she could not keep her first born child, her first daughter. You made me come into this world through the most dark and hateful act. You made it so bad that I couldn't stay with my own mother. You are a monster, or at least you used to be.. I feel so much anger towards you for being that way. No matter how much you've changed, or how much you regret the actions of your youth you are too late for sorry. You have already wrecked everything my mother and I could of had together.

You took away my Korean childhood, you took away my real family, and you are the reason why I grew up American. Your dark hateful action is the reason why I'm white. You took my home away from me. You are the reason why I will never be fully Korean. You are why I have the heart ripping search for my family. You treated my mother like she was worthless. And all those thoughts and feelings transcended to me as a baby in utero through amniotic fluid. If you don't know what that means Father, let me explain..

I was born with abnormal levels of what average stress, anxiety, and depression are. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 are average feelings, I am at a constant 10. Because of your actions I've had severe stress, anxiety, and depression since I was a baby. Because of the sexually abusive cycle tyou started, I've been molested by several different characters since I was a child.

Father I know you're reading this and are wondering why the heck does this kid of some woman you rapped 22 years ago keep calling you father. Well something that you need to realize, something that I only today realized.. is all of these terrible things that have happened to me.. Being raised white, not being able to be a full Korean, being submitted to psychologically abusive adoptive parents, and being sexually abused from elementary school through my early college years.. These are all things that you caused the spark of. These are all terrible terrible things that happened TO YOUR DAUGHTER.

Yes, I am your daughter. Yes, I am your child. You have a baby out of a rape you caused. You may be on the straight and narrow now. You may have done your service in the Korean army honorably. You might have gone to school and work a steady honest job. You may volunteer and help better your community. You may even be married and have beautiful children now. But you can't count me out of the family Father. I exist, I am your baby, I am your daughter. I want you to know the reality of your young actions from 22 years ago.

It took me a long time to realize I may not be my mother's shining star. But when when I came home to Korea this summer.. I felt love and I learned of how much she truly loves me. I learned of the amazing support my grandmother gave her and I learned my family knows I exist. It took me a long time to find where I am now and learn what happiness is. The next thing I need to learn is accepting you.

I don't hate you father and I actually am sorry for calling you a monster earlier in this letter. But while you need to know how much anger I have towards you for causing all of this.. I am aware you are also the reason why I am alive, without you there is no me. I do hope you've cleaned up your life, and are out of what ever circumstances that drove you to your actions that night 22 years ago.

Father I don't mean to shame you for what happened, but you need to know that you have a daughter. And you need to know what you did to her and her mother. If I ever met you I'd sit across from you and hold your hand, so you could feel how real I am. I'd stare into your eyes to try to see the good in you and hope that's where I came from. I'd let you see my tears fall and roll down my cheeks not out of weakness, but out of sadness for the three of us. I hope you are a better person now.

I wish I could say I loved you Father, but how could I..

-- Kang Sun

Friday, 23 August 2013

Love vs Lust.

Hello Readers. It's my personal dating life in quite the bright spot light. You all ask me about adoptee issues, and something many of you ask is if it's possible for adoptees with crap families to really know how to love. Well I am here to tell you I can love and do love someone, but love doesn't always work out. (Got a question, comment, or something you'd like to share with another adoptee? You can contact me at KangSunLee1991 via gmail.com and Twitter.)

Last night and this morning with Double D felt pretty perfect. Things were so lovely when we got back to my place this afternoon, that I went on Facebook to finally accept his relationship request. But he stopped me. I asked him what he wanted and what he thought his options were. He said he didn't know. I told him if things weren't going somewhere, then we need to stop before we permanently mess up our friendship. He told me he didn't think he could care about someone like that right now. That once he got this last piece in line for himself, he could pick any girl and make her his. Ouch. And WTF kid.

It sucks when things don't work out. But it really hurts when you're told you're not enough to be more special than every other slut. More poetically.. Sometimes when you're released you want to run into the streets and yell, "I'm free!" Other times you're put back into the small pond they found you in, so they can catch all the fish in the ocean.

What if he does end up with every other slut and it makes him happier then I ever could. What if all the sluts don't make him happy, but it's one slut too many too late.

I remember the first night we met at CONvergence 2012. It was my first con and I was having a terrible time. He walked up to me drunk and started babbling, while I was trying to get away to find my date. The con ended up really sucking, but Double D kept coming up and talking to me. I ended up giving him my number, then came the months of him calling and texting trying to get me to come out for coffee with him. He became one of my best friends and who I've met all of my best friends through. We never made it to coffee, but we did make it to falling for each other. Which somehow landed us here, not together.

One of my exes and still good friend told me you should be with the one you want. I'd like to expand on that. You should be with one you want, not what you want. If one person is special, if they really are your unicorn.. Than you don't need the other whats; you only need your unicorn.

But another friend has pointed out most unicorns are really dumb horses, with a paper towel roll taped to their forehead.

But to answer your questions if super messed up adoptees can love.. Adoptees can find real unicorns. We can fall and even be ready to share that love. And if you don't know what a unicorn is Wong Fu Productions defines them as someone so special you didn't think they could exist.

Go prove the world that you exist.


Monday, 19 August 2013

My Adoptee Story.

Hello Readers. One of my last days in Korea I met with my Korean social worker.. The lovely woman who has been doing all the searching for me, who says she feels my pain across the world. She told me pieces of my adoption story that I had never heard before.. She found a way to heal my heart without me meeting my family..

Let me tell you the story of my family: My mother had been living in Seoul sharing an apartment with a friend. 2 male burglars broke in, things were stolen, and she was raped. From this terrible act I was conceived as her first child and first daughter. 3 months later she left Seoul and came home to mourn the loss of her father who died of stomach cancer. But she skated by and no one found out she was pregnant. That year the Lunar New Year (Korean Christmas) landed on Feb 15th. She again left Seoul to come home for the holidays as did her brothers and sisters. Her mother recognized her daughter was very pregnant. She was present at the doctor appointments and adoption counseling. I was born and placed in adoption on Feb 24th. My mother wasn't alone during everything, my grandmother was there when I was born. My grandmother knows I exist. She knew me! My family knows I exist!

From this I finally know that my family knows I exist, and that my birthmother really did love me. She loved me so much that she kept me alive. She loved me so much that she risked herself by taking me home to my grandmother. My grandmother loved supported her through the loss of her child, and I didn't completely wreck her life.

When I read this all to Double D, he asked me how this changed anything. That I didn't have control over what happened to her. What's done is done and my life is still the same. I told him that it makes me happy to know her family supported her. This tells me how much she loves me and that I'm not a faceless rape a baby to her.. Maybe she didn't kill herself when I was a child because she had support from our family. When she gave me all of her love till her heart was empty, they filled her with theirs. I've spent the majority of my life blindingly believing I was her everything, and then last 2 years heartbroken that I could mean nothing to her.. that she could hate me. But now all I know is her love. He got quiet, held me hand, and we just cuddled up closer. No one else has ever understood my adoptee stuff like that. Wow.

I will always be searching for her, but if I never find her.. At least now I can die knowing how much she truly loved me. I can die knowing I'm not the only person that knows I existed in her life. And that makes me so unbelievably happy for the both of us. I've been questioning if I could ever bring myself to get married, and now.. I know that's something I want and something I can do. Her blessing is how much she loves me; I can finally live my life now.

I'm grabbing my education by the horns and will have my BA at 25. I have plans to go back to Korea in a year, and hopefully live there for a year or two after my BA. I received my drivers license on Monday, first try! I've been car shopping and picked up a 2012 Kia Rio. I've admitted my feelings and offered my heart to the very special Double D. Weather that works out or not I'll be ok, but the really big deal is its not the only thing making me happy. Us being in love is only adding to my happiness.

I accomplished my childhood dream of going home, and I fell in love with Korea. I'm happy with what I know of my birth mother. With her love veiling me, I am ready for life to begin.


Thursday, 15 August 2013

Back On The Midwest Coast.

Hello Readers. It's been 2 months since a real blog got on here. I'm sorry I didn't write while in the motherland. The two main factors were how hard the trip was and posting about the group I had to be there with wouldn't have been smart. I did write some notes as we made our way, but those will come later. In fact I'm not going to be talking much about the trip in this blog; we'll have to rip that band-aid off later.

*I will tell you every moment was magical, horrible, wonderful, traumatic, and the best hardest experience of my life. Considering how socially horrific things got, I survived it and accomplished my childhood dreams. I can't wait to go back home, I love Korea.

I landed stateside on the 1st. Week 2 here has been hard. There's these moments when there's no distractions, the fog of dense American boredom clears.. And then I'm just really sad. It's a kind of sadness I've never felt before.. Life doesn't feel right here. Of course it's familiar and I know it well, but I hate it so much and it's all so boring. I want home. I hate America in a whole new way.. It's not everything that's happened to me here, it's not the poor dynamics of my adoptive family.. It's everything that American is not. It's not Korea. Going home and loving it did further push me away from anything and everyone that I had in America.. Not that I fit in before, but how the fuck am I expected to fit in now? How do I function here?

The new plan is after finishing my BA I'll teach in Korea for a year or two, I'll take classes for my Masters online. I'll come back and take the last couple courses in person. Then I'll see where life back in the states takes me, hopefully a family. I'm also looking around for other jobs. I love working with glasses and the team is great, but I need a change. It's hard enough going back to friends feeling so differently about myself. I want a new job, a new team, and new experiences as this wonderfully ready for it person I've become.

Want to hear more crazy news? When I landed Thursday the 1st I ended up spending the weekend with Double D. Saturday afternoon we were still laying in bed and the subject of love came up "totally organically" of course. Honestly I was feeling really proud of how I handled Korea, feeling happy with my life, and so happy with him.. I woke up and felt ready for this to happen. He's never been in love before, but laying there he said he was sort of in love with a girl *blushing*. After a ridiculously awkward part of the story I won't be sharing the embarrassing details of.. I told him I was sort of in love with him too. Naturally I've only heard from him one time since. We're all planning on spending Sunday at Pudding Pop's cabin. Not sure if Double D is coming; I would really like for him to come up with us. It should be a perfect Sunday for our group.

Alright you're going to want to buckle yo for this one.. Buckle up in my car!! On Monday I took my drivers test for the first time and passed! This kid is growing up so fast ha! I actually don't have a car yet. We've been looking on and off this last year. Now we're looking for the right car to pull the trigger on. Of course I'm getting a Kia to represent the motherland. I've been looking for 2010-2013 Kia Rios, so new and barely used cars. Shit is exciting!

I got to meet with my therapist on Tuesday! (Yeah I met with the-rapist) As I've said before she is a remarkable gal and very dear to me as a person. I did talk to her about the happenings in Korea and that felt ok. I was telling her how different I felt, like a new and better person. She said there's 3 things that fundamentally change someone. Education, travel, and work and I have all 3 ha. And I am so happy about all of it!!

The rest of my time has been spent catching up with friends, going out, and sleeping. Basically I'm trying to catch up on American life, trying to adjust, and remember how things are here. It's really hard to accept how things are here.. But with the support of some adoptees I met while in the motherland, I'm not doing it 100% alone.

I've also been on the hunt for some new faces to surround myself with. So far I've met some pretty cool people. I'm hoping for the young adult I've become to meet to people, and share new experiences with them. I'm very excited to explore this.


Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Flying To Korea!!

Hello Readers. I'm currently on a Korean Air flight headed to home. The past few days I've felt so ready, but the fact that I'm not meeting any of my family and is killing me. Knowing I'm in the same country, under the same set of stars at the same time as them makes me so happy.. But not knowing if they're passed the same ground I'm walking on is terrifying. It wasn't until I was inline to check in for Korean Air that I was over whelmed with sadness and thankfulness.

I keep tearing up.. Oh my god I am going home! I'm deeply feeling the "return to sender effect". It hurts so badly, like my heart being strangled in thick smoke, that this didn't work out.. That my adoption just didn't work out. As a 22 year old I find myself to have grown up into an intelligent and passionate young adult. I've grown up enough to send myself back. I just hope home fills everything my 3 year old heart has been starving for.

Looking around the plane I'm surrounded by Koreans, and I feel normal. I'm totally still the fat girl, but they all look like me damn it! Who would have thought such a place existed? A place that I'm not a freak, that I'm not exotic, or have the darkest hair.. I don't even feel weird or scared to be around so many Asians. I feel how all my white friends must feel like when they go anywhere. Of course >_< crying and sniffling probably makes me stick out a little :3

I feel really good about this guys. I feel like I can be happy; I'm going home

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Giving Up America & Gaining Korea.

Hello Readers. In 2 weeks I'll be on a plane home. But for the past week I've been barely sleeping and feeling on edge. I'm scared of not fitting in with the group and just not fitting in Korea. I never had a life in America and I hope to finally find that when I get home, but then my true life will be an ocean away.. Furthering the gap between me and my adoptive family/American friends.

I'm scared finding home means being lost from them forever. But.. I'm willing to give up the little bit of family I do have here for a life in Korea. I may have no family waiting in Korea, but hopefully I do have a home there.

I'm so happy to be leaving America soon. Being in the same country as my birth mother and second mother makes me feel like all the puzzle pieces are in the box of my Korean identity. I may never be able to place every piece, but knowing I have them close is love. But knowing there's no one waiting at the airport, dying to hold me, and call me her daughter.. That's killing me.

What hurts more is knowing some of the adoptees in my program.. They've met their birth families, and they have beautiful plans to see them. I am so jealous. It's like going to the park or mall and seeing all the white children look like their parents. As a little girl I'd run to the public bathroom and cry hating myself for not having that. As a young adult, I still do sometimes.

I am beyond happy to finally be going home. I truly am glowing, but I'm trading what little I have in the states for something I hope for in Korea... The small white dysfunctional spec of family and friends, for an empty home. The part that makes me sad about this choice is that it's easy. I give it all up for home, and to finally find my Korean life.

In short.. Goodbye America, I'm not sorry it didn't work out. Stamp me [RETURN TO SENDER].

Tuesday, 28 May 2013



Searching for my birthmother was just a dream I had as little girl, a 3 year old crying herself to sleep every night. I'd beg and pray to my mother to come save me and take me home to Korea. Going home is the only thing I have ever wanted my entire life, and now it's really happening. Oh my god this is so unreal I don't even know what to do! I called and texted all of my friends, and they are so happy for me. They've been been supporting me like crazy telling me I'd get in. They are my best friends in the whole world, and they are just great circles to be apart of. I love them all soo much!

Thank you all so much for all of your support the past 2 years. All of stories you've shared with me, and being so accepting of my own adoption story. I feel like I've really developed my voice in the international adoptee, interracial adoptee, and Asian-American communities. Helping us be heard to the world, and for us to be able to hear each other are what's made these years in the states bearable for me.

Readers and friends you are all are so incredibly wonderful, and pure with your support regarding my birth search. The emotion you all send my way is tremendously overwhelming and I am so thankful for it. Thank you.

Oh my god, I'm going home!! And I get to see Double D in 6 weeks, Cherry-On-Top!!


Waiting To Know & Double D.

Hello Readers. Yesterday an adoptee from Australia posted on Facebook that she got into ECWS language and culture program. She told me she found out via her adoption agency. Which is amazing news for me because I'm in the states meaning my agency has been closed all weekend for Memorial Day. My social worker is back in the office today, so I'm hoping to know today.

The funny thing is I'm not stressed about it. I'm ready to know.

Sunday night we all went out to celebrate my boyfriend-ish going to Japan. Let's call him Double D. We pregamed at our best friend's place, and ended up at norebong (Korean karaoke). As usual Double D stayed the night.

We spent the day together picking up last minute things for him and just being a real couple. It was perfect. He leaves Wednesday morning at 6, but he's spending today packing and with his parents. I am so excited for him!

Saying goodbye was really hard. Not knowing if we'd meet again in 2 months or 3 months felt empty crappy. Not that I don't have abandonment issues involving Asia or anthying.. This whole time he's been the only one who will joke with me about not getting into the program. It's like blowing it during a game, and telling myself I suck so I perform better.

But this time he told me, "I'm sure you'll get in." He said 2 months was going to go by so quickly because I'll be planning for Korea, and then I'll just be living in Korea. That I won't have time to miss him. What I'm actually worried about is bit getting in, and loathing myself all summer.

Well Readers I've made Really Big Plans! They are all riding on me getting into ECWS language and culture program. I'm really hoping I'll know today, and I do hope I get in. *fingers crossed*

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Stress Vomiting: It's A Thing.

Hello Readers. Today has been really rough; the past two days have been a lot to swallow. I thought I had some solid plans in my love life, I thought I had solid plans to leave my job and move forward, and I thought I was really realistic in the possibility of going home this summer.

But today I just started aching with such intense disappointment. I got so stressed out I vomited, and now I can't stop crying from the stress.

I love my job, but I hate sales and was really hoping to get fired and move onto something fresh and exciting. Helping people find the right glasses, and helping them have sight is amazing. But I want a job with critical thinking, out of the box creativity, I want to make lists/organize/and plan events, and I want to help adoptees. Today when I talked to my boss he said I've made an amazing jump in sales. Then my sales supervisor thanked me for all the weird work I volunteer to do, and for always constantly working during my shifts when no one else does. I'm stuck and suffocating.

I'm totally freaked out I won't get into the ECWS program, and then I'd have to wait another year to go home. I've been realistic and accepting of the possibilities of being accepted and rejected.. But tonight I'm feeling a lot of doubt on getting in. It's terrifying to think of waiting another year to go home.. Waiting 23 years to finally go home and to feel accepted.

It's hard to fathom spending another summer in the states instead of home, and stuck at a suffocatingly unproductive job. Both are such big things and together the doubt is breaking my back. Like something as good and pure as getting to go one seems insane. Being told I'm good at a job that doesn't actively help people really bothers me. It's like I'm waiting my time making sales in glasses vs helping people who really need help. Will I be waiting my passion at this job for the next 5 years I'm in school?

Everything started layering up so quickly today, and I started freaking out over what the heck would I do this summer if I didn't get into the program. I got so nauseous. I went into the bathroom and turned on the faucet to hear moving water, and decompress. But instead of taking a deep breath and calming down, I vomited.


I got cleaned up, and did something I've never done before. I called all of my people, all of my closest friends, and no one answered. Of course.

I know they're all studying, working, sleeping, packing up, gaming, or busy in someway. But calling all 7 of them and no one answers? Can someone please do the math on that for me. One of them did call back, but he was already out doing fun shit. I wasn't about to ask him to come help me up from my stress. I told him I just wanted to hang, but since he was out to go have fun.

And now it's 10pm, and I'm sure no one else will be calling me back tonight. So here I am in bed. My chest feels so heavy like there's a thick smoke filling my lungs. Also I have all this week off to take care for my maternal adoptive grandma while my adoptive parents are out of town. I wish I had family to help me.

But I'm adopted.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Driving & Surviving.

Hello Readers. Did you guys know that I don't have my driver's license? Yeah I'm 22 and have to get rides everywhere. Why? Not because I failed my test 5 times and not because I had it revoked. I don't drive because growing up without my mother is scary, and utterly unbearable.

Her missing birthdays and school dances are things that just happen. I can't control the timeline they're set on, but I can't choose not to take on the major responsibilities of growing up. I didn't take driver's education class until I was 16, and I didn't take my permit until years later. I didn't have a real roll-pay job until a year after high school. I didn't start searching for her until I was 19.

I was afraid of growing up at the same rate as my peers because that was more my mother was missing. Growing up meant further defining my identity, and it killed me it was being created without her voice in it. I fought growing up and responsibly my whole life not because I'm stupid or lazy. I fought hard because I was intelligent enough to see how much wider it pushed the gap between me and my Korean identity Kang.

But guess what happened when I was 21? I finally broke up with AND got away from my emotionally abusive ex, my only "support system". I didn't rush into another relationship. I hung out with my bros and stayed single. Eventually I got back into the game and have had the luxury of dating many fantastic guys, some for a night and some for a few months. I've been able to be single and want to be single. It's a kind of sweet freedom I've never tasted before.

Being a single adoptee means doing things on your own. You don't have a boyfriend, you don't have family, and your white friends don't get your shit. It means you don't have a hand to hold when you're scared, or a shoulder to rest on when you're so exhausted you can't stop crying. It's made me a stronger and braver person. I've been surviving going back to school, and surviving what it means to have an actual job. And I've been doing it by-my-self.

** For the cherry on top of this growth spirt I will be getting my license and first car in June. I plan to get a Kia; Korean Pride Baby!! **

Adoption taught me how to be worthless, well I've taught myself how to be worthwhile. Surviving adoption is learning you're worth something, it's learning you don't have to be emotionally crippled forever, it's learning self respect, and to trust yourself. Those are the amazing gifts adoptees get when we don't give up. When we fight what adoption has done to us, that's called surviving!

So here's to growing up. Here's to surviving adoption. Here's to learning how to love when all you've been taught is hate. Together adoptees can beat the negatives of adoption. We don't have to be afraid to grow up! I am a survivor; I am a warrior.


Sunday, 12 May 2013

Mother's Day, Thank You.

Hello Readers. Today in America it is Mother's Day and it hurts. That is as simple as I can put it. Days like these hurt adoptees because it's another celebration we miss out on; it's another milestone our birth families aren't there for.

Today at work a lot of people came in telling me about how they've lost their mother, as a little kid or from old age. They all talked about how it's not fair that over the years they've forgotten memories of her. While I feel for their loss, I am so incredibly jealous of them. They HAVE memories. Even if they forget things they have pictures, and stories from family and friends. While all I have is me.

I would do anything to remember something, to even catch a glimpse of a picture, or to hear a story about her. I wish I had some thing other than my own heart to keep her by, but all I have is me.

Knowing I still have me lets me know I'm adoption survivor. As long as we adoptees have ourselves and each other, we're surviving.

Half of my clients today were Asian. They all spoke their native younger and asked where I was from. When I told them and they realized I'm adopted they all gave me their condolences for the loss of my mother through adoption. They all gave my their deepest wishes that I'd get to go home this summer.

It was wonderful, and so truly warm, and a gift of understanding I've never felt in my life. So thank you so much for calling me Korean and not American. Thank you for offering your acceptance of me as a real Asian. Thank you for everything you gave me through your kind words, holding me hand, and your hugs. Thank you.

No matter who or what you consider your family at this point in your life, Happy Mother's Day.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

A Chance To Go Home.

Hello Readers. Well kids today is May 1st meaning yesterday was the deadline for ECWS's Language and Culture Program. They sent out emails confirming all the applications they've received. They confirmed they've received mine, but have confirmed with they started processing it or not. Hopefully I'll know if I got in within the next 2-3 weeks.

I am so excited! I've been planning all sorts of packing details, and making lists of everything I'll have to buy for the trip. I'm totally a planner, and a procrastinator. I need to plan now so if I get in I'll be organized and able to get everything in over the course of a month and a week. I'm so prepped I wanna yell, "bring it on monsoon season!" But the nerve racking part is if I don't get in, which is a real possibility, all of this planning will have been for nothing.

I have many readers who have wrote me saying they're also applying. I hope we all get in, and if not this year then next year. I've read a lot of essays, and given the best advice I can. You're all absolutely wonderful, and I'm so great full to have such fantastic readers. You're all more rich in our culture than you realize, I hope one day you see that.

My friends keep telling my I'll get in for sure, my professors think it's a sure thing, and my adoptive mom doesn't even want to think about it. There's been many "family-like" talks about if I don't com back. So if I get in, I'll actually be reorganizing my room incase I do stay and my adoptive parents have to pack up everything.

As positive I am about all of this I'm terrified of not getting in this year. I have After the disappointment of last year, and how hard it's been searching I feel like I've earned this. But if I don't get in as sad as I'll be, I know it means another adoptee needed it more than I did. ECWS reads hundreds of these essays every year and I trust their judgement.

I'm excited for this opportunity, and I'm glad I have a chance at going home. Good luck to all of you! My heart is pulling for all of you to get in and find your way home with me.

Sunday, 28 April 2013

A Letter From The Womb.

Dear Umma--

*These are all the things I wish I could have said to you on February 24th.. My birthday.

Hello Umma. I've felt your stress and anger for the past 9 months, I've heard you cry, and scream, and want to give up so many times. But each time you wiped your tears, composed yourself, and kept moving forward and kept me alive. I want you to know how thankful I am for your strength, even if it feels like you never had a choice.

I can only imagine the things you've gone through and how you got pregnant. I am sorry for everything that has happened to you mother. I want you to know that you may love me, and you may even hate me, but I love you. I love you and I don't want to go. I don't want to leave you, I want to stay home in Korea. If a better education and bigger opportunities means no home and no you what's the point? No amount of money can replace you umma.

I am scared of leaving you today, and forgetting everything I have ever known. I am afraid of never learning all that I could here. What if I never learn what home is? What if I can never come back home? What's if I never find you?

When I leave here and you say goodbye I won't know what's happening. I'll be confused until one day I'll learn I have an adoptive family, and I'll only know them and not you. I'll have forgotten everything excepting one haunting dream. When I'm a little girl I'll dream of you holding my in the hospital. So happy seeing me singing me a lullaby, with appa be your side. Then you surrender me to a nurse and as they carry me away you break down screaming and crying..

I'll never know if that's just a dream or baby Kang's only memory, but it will haunt me my whole life. Even when I'm 22 I'll wake up in tears from it.

Regardless of the pain we'll both feel, I know you're making the right decision for us. It's hard and we're both scared, but I understand sometimes forgetting is the best chance of things. I hope one day to remember though. I support your choice, Please never regret it.

Wishing I could stay home; I love you.

-- Kang

Wednesday, 24 April 2013

Bleached: White Skin Is THE BEST.

Hello Readers. Last night I got into a really heated "creative discussion" with one of my best friends. It boils down to him thinking that America doesn't press the white race on non-Caucasians, and surely not to the point of any psychological damage. He also had a concept that the term "cultural genocide" is bullshit, at best it's a form of imperialism. So there's that.

Now he's a fairly bright intellectual, but as a white male raised in America he's never experienced a lot of racism. He's also never experienced what it means to not be white in America. The only way a white person could understand the feeling is if they got thrown into Asia. Alas he's only been to Europe. On the subject of what race and culture really mean like most Caucasian-Americans he is ignorant. I love the kid, but I also think he is completely wrong in his thought process. I am super ticked about his constant and blatant comments that are really him saying my experiences of not being white are invalid. Now I know he did not intend his worlds that way, so I'd like to take this example and explain what the white race means to the rest of the world.

Caucasian-American culture is formed on power through race and forcing those ideals onto others.

I mean being white is so powerful that Americans created the most evil form of slavery in the history of the world, and it was all based on color. No other form of slavery was or is today. Every other country, major civilization, and even ants have slaves. Yeah I said ants; Look it up. None of them were based on color, you could not be born into slavery, and you did not spend your life as a slave. Essentially the rules as to who is a slave and for how long are like super harsh versions of prisoners of war and indentured servants. The same completely colored based power that Americans created when starting their version of slavery, is the same race-backed power that can be felt today by anyone who is not a Caucasian-American.

Now I also hear a lot of people say that this is all 'naturally occurring cultural imperialism". Cultural imperialism is like forcing a nation to industrialize, or a new king changing his lands' religion, or the US forcing Japan to open and make trade. Telling the world they can inly better themselves by looking white is much different.

In America's traditional values, ideals on beauty, and just to be worth anything you MUST be white in order to be THE BEST. That kind of power is in our media, our advertisements, there's skin bleaching products all over the world. The need to be white and thin on American TV has directly caused the start of eating disorders in Fiji. To not be white on our planet, it's psychologically damaging. High school girls in Asia commonly get surgery to cut their eyes wider and rounder.

America is an A+B+C= A culture, not a melting pot of D. Basically if you're not white you better find a way to be white. If you are a Caucasian-American you don't feel the pressure to be white, don't see white as the world's most culturally powerful resource, or how it being a resource is so psychologically deviating for others. That's what Caucasian-Americans will never understand the effects of. They'll never be on the receiving end of white culture and feel its effects. And I am so glad they won't ever fully understand it, no one should have to go through this.

Now Caucasian-Americans do face a portion of racism, stereotyping, and a limited amount of discrimination. They can go to other countries and be called "American Idiots", but people will still think their skin is The Best and in some countries like India they will beg for your picture like you're a movie star just because your blue eyed and have blonde hair. That is so sickening.. being treated like a movie star just because of your skin color.

To not be white growing up in America, is like a different kind of depression. My depression feels like I'm quietly drowning, in the compleat silence of a still lake, the water above me is like glass, and the surrounding water is dark hallow, and I am frozen as I sink.

But not be Caucasian here is like.. Walking in the thickest bleached fog, in a constant heavy snow that's falling like ash. It burns to breath the cold air that doesn't accept your foreign lungs. Trying to shuffle your boots through the blanket of knee deep snow, dredging forward, trying desperate to adapt to the cold frozen white, feeling all the warmth inside drying, like a small fire burning out. That's what America holds over my head everyday since I was a little girl.

America created the most Evil form of slavery in the history of our world, and the only race based form of slavery known to date.. That's how white got "invented" and defined as power; that's what it still means today.

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Lets Be Friends, Wishes Are Impossible, Bend My Arm?

Hello Readers? Let's just dive right in it. Last night I realized I treat my adoptive parents, as if they're both my step parents. Look at what you've done to the modern family. They only people that picked each other was the parents, while forcing the babies to be raised by foreign strangers.

How did America expect forcing S. Korea into international and interracial adoption to work out? That I'd just fall in love with strangers who don't look like me, hate kimchi, tell me everything that's yellow is bad, and everything white is The Best? Adoption isn't easy for all adoptees, and for some of us it's constantly heartbreaking. To not be white in America is to never be enough and to never be accepted. How could I possibly fall in love with that.

I have a dear friend of mine who's on the outs with his adoptive sister because he supported and agreed with my thoughts on adoption. I thank him for understanding me, and I'm deeply sad that his adoptive sister doesn't. My adoptive sister is the same way. The problem adoptees is that we fight with our own kind all the time. There are too major extremes: Loving your adoptive parents and feeling nothing for Korea, vs having no relationship with your adoptive parents and only having a yellow heart for Korea. It's hard the extremes to meet eye to eye.

Now we can feel anyway we want on our personal adoptee stories, all of our feelings are completely sound. But it is not alright for any of us to say the other's feelings are wrong or not ok. It is not our experience and we can't tell someone how to feel about it. With all the fighting and splitting of adoptive siblings over having different feelings.. No wonder so many adoptees don't associate with each other, no wonder we're scared of each other. And it gets lonely isolating yourself from the only people who could possibly understand all the different meanings of what it means to be adopted.

I cry a lot, like every day a lot. But I don't cry to anyone or in front of anyone. Sometimes I try and picture myself calling up a friend blubbering out how sad and scared I am. Sometimes I try to imagine a friend even pulling through on me calling for them and actually showing up at my door to cheer me up. Sometimes I picture letting a guy get closer than arms length, and letting them hold me and be there for me. But then I shake my head knowing those aren't going to happen for me right now.

There is no one I trust enough to say these things to. Unless someone contacted me, and really wanted to make me talk to them, and really wanted to be there for me. But none of my bros are like that and all of the guys I'm seeing are just dates. There is no one for me to call if this birth search crushes me world. There is no one for me to call if I get passed for the adoptee trip to Korea. There are 3 people I can really see myself getting close too, and possibly letting my arm bend for.. But for all different reasons, none of them are really available and healthy for that.

I always say how strong I feel doing all of this alone. That 2 years ago I'd never think doing this alone would be possible, but now I know it is. And I can take it on my own, but at the same time.. This is killing me, I'm dying to hold someone's hand through the tears, and get a hug when my knees go weak and I fall. Keeping all of this private and not depending on anyone emotionally, it's more draining that I had expected.

Can I tell you all a secret? Weeks ago when I received the new my birth name was given to me by an intake worker, I was at school. I was choking it down really well, but then I ran to the bathroom with my headphones blasting . I got in a stall and fell to the floor crying.. shaking.. convulsing.. for my mother. When I finally came out the school's medical security was there. A girl had been calling out to me and called them when I didn't respond. I was so embarrassed trying to explain to them that I was just really upset over my birth search. So incredibly embarrassed. I wish I had called one of those 3 people.

I ended up calling my friend B about it. She was really great about it, she's always a fantastic person to talk to and catch up with. But I played it off like it was no big deal and just embarrassing and weird.. I wish I would have been more honest. I wish I could have just told her my knees went weak and I fell to the floor convulsing I was crying so hard.

I wish someone would extend their hand enough to bend my arms, and pushed past my arm's length. I wish someone was willing to push past my walls.. I wish I could let my guns down for once.. I'm full of wishes.

*** Here's a really great YouTube video of the song+lyrics of "Impossible" from Cinderella, sung by Whitney Houston and Brandy. Feel better guys :D


Tuesday, 2 April 2013

My 2nd Biggest Fear.

Hello Readers. A year and 8 months ago I was told my mother might have been a rape victim. In my korean I file she told the intake worker she was sleeping over at a friend's house, 2 male burglars broke in, and she was raped. There's always been a strong possibility that it's true. Once I was finally able to admit and accept the possibility I could be a rape baby, I cried for days. Knowing that the woman who I see as my whole world, that I could have been burning in her, invading her body, continuing her rape.. It broke my heart.

In my last post I shared the new information, that an intake worker named me. Lately I've been pushing it deeper into my mind until I finally made a connection. Sure we can rationalize that maybe it hurt her too much to name me, maybe she always viewed me as my adoptive parent's child.. But maybe she was raped. Even though she found the strength to carry me, she couldn't name something that hurt her so much. She was only 24 and her first child, her baby girl, was a product of rape.

I'm having my social worker check and see what time she actually surrendered me. Once compared to my birth timestamp we'll know how long I was with her. The longer the better. The shorter, the more it points to rape being the facter in her not naming me. I'm not sure what amount of time constitutes as she was most likely sexually assaulted, but I know that if I feel it's that way.. I'll officially close my search for her. *However I will be searching in Korea this summer, just not through my agencies.*

I love her so much and I need her in my life, but I can't revictimize her by having the Korean government and my agencies hunting her when she doesn't want to be found. Her carrying me was really me invading and violating her body for 9 months, only continuing her rape. If this is all true it completely wrecked her first experience of creating life and motherhood. She could just view me as an adoptee, and not her daughter or even biological daughter. Me showing up with KAA, CHS, and EWCS could end up me letting out her secret, humiliating her, violating her, and force her to relive the rape.

I've been crying for days. My eyes are so red, dry, and puffy I don't know why no one at work has been like, "The fuck Morgan?". I work with glasses so clients always stare at my frames and eyes, as do my coworkers. Allergies right?

I wish I had I friend I could tell this too, and cry in front of, and get hugged by, but I do not. When all your friends are all guys you tend to try and not fall into their hug while you cry. You also don't do that with the new girl friends you barely know, or your best gal pal who you haven't been able to schedule with in months. You also don't do it with the guys your only dating and want nothing serious with. You don't do it with the one bro, who you're not dating because he's actually emotionally special, and you don't want that right now, and he's into another girl more. And you really really don't do it with that one guy who has a girlfriend. And you especially do not do it with your adoptive sister who didn't even look at you last time she was at the house. So there's that huge lack of close support too.

I'm pretty sure I'll have to close my search; I really hope I don't have to though.. I hope she spent hours with me and that will only fill me up with more hope for happiness. But it already feels like I'm watching my whole Korean family dying. I'm only 22 and they're slipping away from my little hands. All I wanted was to tell them I loved them all, hear her voice, or even trade the world for a glimpse of a picture.. My whole life all I've wanted is them, my umma, they are my whole heart....

And now I feel like they're dying.

I'm dying.

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Who Named Kang Sun Lee?

Hello Readers. I received new words from Korea today. My social worker sent me the email of everything that was talking about. It's about my second mother (foster mother) and who really named me Lee, Kang Sun. Ultimately it's more bad news, it's another little hope I've been holding onto getting crushed. It's incredibly painful, but I'm trying really hard to accept it.

My second mother, Which is what I very lovingly and respectfully call my foster mother, received me on March 14th, 1991. She, my second father, and 10 year old second brother cared for me up until I left home to the states. They fostered through Children's Home from 1989 till 1995, during which they cared for 14 babies. There currently isn't a record of their location, or if they continued fostering through another agency. They are still very much lost to me, but we're not giving up.

There's been quite the debate as to who named me Lee, Kang Sun. Of coursed growing up it was assumed my birth mother did, then at 19 when I started digging in my American file showed my second mother had given me the "family name". We didn't know if that meant her family name or my mother's. Granted either way it was still Lee, but it was the being able to hunt for the document of who signed off my name that was important. It could help lead us to either my birth mother or foster mother.

When I finally started the search for my birth file my Korean agency confirmed my birth mother named me. Now searching deeper through my foster files we know the truth.

The faceless intake worker my birth mother surrendered me to named me, but they did give me my mother's last name Lee. To quote the file Korea sent over with this news, "In regards to the adoptee’s name, the intake worker used the last name of the birthmother. For the first name, Kang Sun, was made hoping that the child would become a peaceful/quiet and beautiful person."

It's good to know what my name meant to someone, especially it being who my mother had to surrender me too. I am very very touched by and thankful for their hopes for me. So thank you intake worker. Thank you so much for naming me with such beautiful intentions, and thank you for treating my mother's baby so sweetly when she had to loose her.

It's a bitter sweet feeling because while I am thankful for the intake worker caring so so much, I'm also very sad that means there's once less document to fallow to my mother and second mother. People keep calling all these pieces of bad news road blocks, but not to me. They're these little hopes being crushed one by one, but I still have other hopes. Like flicking out rocks of a Korean prayer tower, but it's still standing. my other prayers are still in place and holding up. I just need to hold on for more of this flicking.

As much as I wish I had a hand to squeeze right now while I cry in the middle of the student center of the lovely MCTC, I don't have that option, and it only makes me stronger. I'm growing up. If I accept all of this sadness as my reality and keep saving my other hopes as possibilities.. I can get through this. Stopping is not an option, I cannot forget all that I want to know and love.

I have to get through this.

Thursday, 14 March 2013

A Trip Home!! :333


This morning I got the email from my case worker that the 5 week language and culture program through Eastern Child Welfare Society has finally open applications!!! I have one medical thing to check off, my essay proofed by a few friends, and by the end of next week... My application will be sent off!

It's so crazy too think that in 3 months and 2 weeks, I COULD be home in Korea! This is amazing guys! It feels like something is really finally happening, a real planned to go to home. Not like last summer where it was all planned, but the groups had just filled up/closed before I could get in. And this isn't like those groups, it's not a vacation for adoptive families. This is a really mental health and heart trip strictly for adoptees.

Now there is the question of work. I will have a new General Manager soon, so I'm speaking with my current GM tomorrow about getting the time off, or find out if I will need to put in my two weeks, and then reapply. I need to explain that this is not a fun vacation kind of trip. This is for my mental health, so I don't slit my wrists or drive my car into a wall.

Home guys.. I could be home in just under 4 months. I've already priced out the airfare through Korean Air because I'm gonna do it up in style baby! I've also priced out home much I want to budget for new clothes, a new camera, fun spending things there, and possibly taking a day trip while I'm there. This is all so real it's hard to believe. Now I'm not counting my chickens before the hatch. I'm painfully aware they could end up not picking me, but I'm very hopeful and being mindful towards the possibilities of the trip.

Once my essay is all proofed and sitting pretty I'll post it. Until then, wish me luck :333

I'm 22, It's Not Our Fault, & Searching For Kang Sun.

Hello Readers. My birthday was full of relationship and sexual drama. I'm super annoyed of selfish people. I'm also annoyed of people who don't manage their liquor well. This is probably the best of all the bad birthdays, the bad being all of them. I think I'm pretty much over such American celebrations, next year will be a Korean dinner with who is nearest dearest to me. So I'll probably have dinner by myself because I always have to keep everyone at an arms length, no matter how badly I want them and need them. But on the bright side one of my friends was a real sweet heart and got me a birthday cake, colored me surprised. It's the best birthday tradition/gift anyone has given me.. Which also makes me really sad. But that's enough about birthdays because they suck. Let's dive into something fatefully serious.


In cases of child soldiers US rehabilitation states that the first thing they learn is that it is not their fault. That they were forced into the identity of a soldier, a killer, and that is not who they are. I feel like understanding identities of international/interracial adoptees should have the same first rule. It Is Not Our Fault.

We were forced as children into the identity of being white. We were made into Americans, something that is against our nature, and not who we are. We are constantly being told from the media, peers, parents, and sexual partners that lighter skin and wider/rounder eyes are what true beauty and power are. That blonde hair is The Best. We're told our whole lives that any sad or negative feelings we have are our fault. It's our fault we're not good enough to be loved and kept by our birth families. It's our fault we're not white. It's our fault we will always look different and exotic. Our handsome men are defined as feminine and therefore weak, Our beautiful woman are deemed as second class citizens and "wonton" whores, and ultimately we're ALL labeled as un-American.

We're told that the one good thing we've done is made families for our adoptive parents, but it's still our fault that we aren't their biological children. It's our fault that the product they bought didn't actually come with a guarantee of "the real deal" of a biological child. Our identities are our problem, our fault, and we are to blame for everything. Shouldn't the first thing we hear is that none of this is our fault? That we were just babies who got crammed into a mold of the American ideal, a mold that we're not made fit. We'd NEVER expect our adoptive families to cram into the mold of our appa or umma. We'd never force them into Korean food, Korean culture, and we'd never think it ideal for them to learn Korean. Why are we not raised to accept ourselves, to love our genetics, and to be proud of our birth countries.

Tell me America, what is so goddamn wrong with being yellow? What is so bad about not having white skin? Why are we loved so much less because we can never really replace the biological children our parents couldn't have? Why do you blame us for not fitting these identities that aren't even ours?

This is all pouring out of me because I was watching a Bones episode **Spoiler Alert*** on child soldiers. I get so angry and upset when I see and hear about a group of people being ripped from their identities and their normal culture, for the purpose of pleasing others, who force them into a new mold. It just makes me want to scream for them that NOTHING is their fault! That they are loved, and seen, and known in this world. And that I will do anything to help them understand that. I will do anything to help an adoptee find their way back to who we were born as, who we never got the chance to be raised as.

"The Search of Kang Sun Lee" doesn't actually directly refer to my birth search, it's searching for me. It means searching for that little baby who had her whole world, her culture, her tongue, and her identity taken away from her. I'd do anything to get Kang Sun back. In Korean Kang Sun means "Calm, Beautiful". I hope "Calm" means I laid lovingly still in my mother's arms. I hope "Beautiful" means she was happy to see my face and know her first child, her first baby girl. Whoever that little baby she was holding was, she was murdered when she came to America, and I hope I find her and know her one day. I hope to find Kang Sun, my identity.

어머니 난 그냥 당신 집에 가고 싶어. 나는 내가 정말 마음 깊은 곳이다 누구를하기로되어 있었는데 누구인지 알고 싶습니다. 나는 내가 태어 났을 때 당신이 만난 강 태양을 만나고 싶어. 나 역시 당신의 충족도 못해,하지만 태양이 별을 그리워하고 달이 태양의 따뜻함을 그리워보다 당신을 더보고 싶어. 널 무척 모두 내 전부이고, 난 그냥 당신을 다시 갖고 싶어. 난 당신을 사랑스러운 사랑 해요.

"Mother I just want to come home to you. I want to know who I was supposed to be, Who I really am deep down inside. I want to meet the Kang Sun you met when I was born. I never got to meet either of you, but I miss you more than the sun misses the stars and the moon misses the sun's warmth. You both are my everything, and I just want you back. I love you dearly."

Saturday, 23 February 2013

I'm ALMOST 22.

Hello Readers. Tomorrow is my 22nd birthday, but it marks loss not life. The day I was born was the same day my mother surrender me to a nurse to be adopted. To me it's the darkest grief I've ever experienced. And every year my birthday plans are an absolute mess. So of course I'm going out tonight AND tomorrow with most of my friends.

Yesterday I freaked out and went to two malls looking for a birthday outfit. At friend I was just crying around the department stores . All the woman kept asking if I was ok and all I could say was, "I'm looking for a birthday dress, and I lost my mother!" I couldn't turn off the tears, I had a task and all I could think about was loosing her in my life when I was just a baby. And how she lost her father, And then her firstborn and first daughter 6 months after.How 4 months after I was born Kang Sun Lee was murdered and her yellow body white washed.. How everything.. my family, my life, my culture, my entire identity was taken from me when that nurse took me from my mother's arms.. It's not fair I have to spend my live search for Kang Sun Lee, I'm supposed to be her.

I don't think such loss is something to be celebrated, but to keep my American parents and friends happy I go out every year. And every year it completely fucking sucks. The loss should be enough to deal with, but then my plans always become about what everyone else wants and doesn't want. I try to put my foot down, but there's little say from me. AND NO ONE EVER TELLS ME THEY'RE SORRY FOR MY LOSS! Like they all think I'm kidding when I say I should get "Sorry for your loss" cards vs birthday cards, because I think that would be a lot more humane for me to hear.

People force me into a time that downs work for me, make me go places I do no want to go, bring friends who they know I'm not cool with, and all sorts of other crappy things. I know it happens to everyone, but every single birthday has been like this, even as a child. I think I'm cursed. But year I say fuck'um! I set the time, I set the place, and I sent the invite don Facebook and they'll just have to deal. Oh yeah, Power looks hot on me!

This year I'm pretty sure no one made/bought me a cake, which isn't a big deal..but it's supposed to be a really called for American gesture right? And a bunch of people either canceled on me or just said they aren't coming. Which sucks because its all really fun people, or friends I have seen in a very long time. Also I didn't invite my sister and her husband, in fact I don't even know if my adoptive mom told them I'd be out tonight. But they both made my birthday super shitty last year, and neither of them are welcomed in my personal life right now.

But this year I have a little something to celebrate. The past few years have been really hard in my adoptive family, relationships, school work, jobs, artwork, adoptee life, and my mental health. I've worked really hard to overcome my obstacles. I'm educating my parents, cut out the toxic people in my life, went back to school, found an amazing job, got back in the saddle for art, speak out on adoption, and am finding new ways to cope with my anxiety and depression.

Things have gotten so much better than they were a year ago, and even with all the sad news I receive from Korea, I know my mother would be so proud I'm starting to make it. I love her so much, and have missed her my whole life, and hope that one day I'll have a birthday celebrating finding her. Even right now.. I'm crying for her, I'm crying over the horrific loss I feel..

But hopefully tonight will be better, hopefully it will be fun and only with the people I care about. So until my actually birthday post tomorrow, Cheers.

Friday, 15 February 2013

Mourning My Grandfather, My Hal-abeoji.

Hello Readers. Yesterday I was informed that my grandfather, my hal-abeoji, had passed when my mother was 3 months pregnant with me. It's so hard to hear that the hope and dream of his acceptance is a no, because there will never be that chance. It's hard to know the pain my mother must have felt in loosing her ah-pah. I feel crazy that when told the truth I suddenly felt all the pain of my family especially my grandmother had feels in loosing him.. But I'm an atheist and I know that's just a feeling not fact, but who knows.

There's a lot of traditional things that go into Korean funerals, and a lot that goes into more modern Korean funerals. One of these things is the family wearing a black ribbon or hemp clothing for 100 days starting the day their relative passes. Since I just found out only yesterday I wear a black ribbon today. I don't think I'll wear it for 100 days, but I will until I feel I can go with out wearing it. Think of it as not only a symbol of my grief, but as a crutch for my sadness in loosing him.

I have "Hear You Me" by Jimmy Eat World on repeat. There isn't a more perfect song for this. The few friend's that called or messaged me about all this seemed scared, like they didn't have a clue what to say. I guess I've experienced so much loss of my birth family and in my adoptive family growing up dealing with grief just seems natural, but most of my friends haven't even lost their grandparents yet. But even if you have nothing to say, just call or message, stop buy, come kidnap me, be a friend. Anything.

Sometimes it really sucks being your own rock everyday, all the time.

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Update From Korea: My Grandfather Is Dead.

Hello Readers. Today I got an email from my social worker asking for me to confirm a number to call. She said they've received updates from Korea. Class had just started, but I'd miss a test before waiting to hear ready to go news on my birth search. My phone started to glow and it was her calling. I practically ran out of there; I'm pretty sure I freaked out my classmates. I walked outside to take the call and it was colder than I expected. Rolling down my sleeves we talked, and I paced around the quad.

She said something about receiving news from Korea, asking how I was doing, asked about school and work, and seamlessly she moved onto the news. According to the consult my mother had when she chose adoption in the hospital (the same Initial Social History report they apparently didn't give me all the info on) stated that my grandfather had passed away before I was born. *Like taking a bullet*

My grandfather died of stomach cancer in August of 1990. About 3 months into my mother's pregnancy so he most likely never knew she was pregnant. He never even got the chance to approve of my mother having me.. Be never got the chance to know I existed or to know my mother had chosen adoption.

So here I am at school waiting for me night class to start. We have a big test, and a high scored in class activity after so we can't leave early because it's Valentine's Day. I've been crying in the bathrooms and laying down in the booths around the student center.. Just crying. I feel so much loss today. I always thought maybe if she had passed away or wasn't open to me, maybe my grandparents would be. Maybe they'd want to tell me about her, maybe they'd want to even meet me, and have me meet our family. Maybe I would be invited to come back home.

Maybe they'd even love me.

But my grandfather never got the chance to know I was carried to birth. I also feel the loss that my family must have felt loosing their head elder. How filled with grief my mother must have been to loose her father and her first born, her only daughter.. How my grandmother must have felt loosing her husband. Maybe even though it would hurt her a lot to think about the past, maybe my grandmother would still take me into her heart.

Everything is full of maybes, and hopes, and dreams, and wishes. But then there's the truth and reality. Since I don't have all the answers yet, my reality is that I know nothing. And the one truth that is my reality is that my grandfather is dead, and it's too late for us now,

The draper’s shop my grandmother owned is still stated in my Initial Social History. But there was nothing left in regards to the name of the shop or the location, so it's too difficult to make contact. Unfortunately my birth clinic, Huh Jung OB-GYN Clinic, is now closed. I had hopes to go beg them to give me anything they'd be willing to from my birth records.. Now that they're closed my only option is to beg the city records of the city I was born in and where my mother was born.

My social worker in Korea did say this though, "Through all these many questions, I can feel all the way over here that [the adoptee] Lee, Kang Sun feels sadness and discouragement." Maybe my mother and my family can feel me too..

They've tried on many occasions to obtain more information from KAS regarding people other than the birth parents, like other family members, my foster family, and the witness who signed with my mother. However, they say that based on legal limits, they are unable to provide that information. Because of this they're even pleading with foster mothers to contact the agency to update their contact info and allow contact from their foster children. They're continuously asking KAS to improve their new laws in light of all these difficulties.

I only received one positive piece of news. During the pregnancy my mother did not have any particular morning sickness. I'm very glad I didn't cause her that kind of sickness, and maybe one day if I have a child I won't either.

I did call into work and asked for tomorrow off. It would have only been a 4 hour shift, but it's nice knowing I don't have to go in tomorrow. So if any of my friends are reading this, call or text me, stop by, anything.