Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Merry Christmas.

Hello Readers. Merry Christmas! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday with who ever you consider your family. This Christmas I made a real effort to be apart of what little family I do have.

I spent mine going to my grandma's with my parents. My grandma Donna is simply the best! I love her. She has the best gossip and life stories to tell. I love to ask her questions about when she was first married, the classy heels she used to wear, and how her and my grandpa Paul met for the first time at a dance.

When I was a kid I used think grandpa Paul was like everything other strict old guy. But looking back on it the guy dressed slick, and a bit rockabilly. I've always heard about how he rode a lot of hogs, and had a spitfire bullshitting kind of way to tell a story. But I don't remember that grandpa, and I don't remember those stories at all. Is like hearing a foreign language when my adoptive mom talks about what a "bullshitter" her daddy was. I guess like the childhood memories of my adoptive mom, as a kid I took in the memories of my grandpa negatively too.

After many wonderful talks with my grandma Donna I went to my uncle's. Him and my dad ran away to the man cave/lower level family room, while me and my mom drank wine in front of my recovering alcoholic aunt. My cousin closest in age faked joked around, and my other cousin acted like a priss until he left. Basically what always happened when I used to go to family Christmases. But now that we're all adults and have had time to mature. By mature we pretended all night we were normal and bonded over crafty decor.

In the end this effort made me closer with my grandma, but over all it made me really sad. Sad that I'm not close to my family, that I need to fake a good time. I know everyone has to fake a little around the family during the holidays, but this is me not having a heartfelt connection. It's very clinical for me. The only reason why I get along so well with my grandma is because she's an old fashion lady, and I like old people stuff.

I don't view her as my grandma; I view her as Donna my adoptive mom's mother. I wish I felt like she was my grandma.. When I meet cool old people I always think, "I wish they were my grandparents!" And that's how I feel with Donna.. I wish she was my grandmother vs my grandma, my adoptive mom's mother.

Little Orphan Annie was brought in, and everyone fell in love with her. She loved them too, but said no to being adopted. She found out her parents had passed away, and then was able to fully open her heart to this new family who wanted her so badly. But that's just not how international adoption works. Maybe my family has always loved me and wanted me so badly too, but since I don't have my answers I've been the one always saying no to their love. Maybe part of why this family is so broken be use, I've been saying no to adoption my whole life.

Thank you to my friends who read my earlier post. Thank you for contacting me and for letting me know I'm not completely alone in this. Your support really means the world. But it's still feels so cold tonight. Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you're with the ones who fill your hole the most.

To My Friends: Merry X-Mas I'm An Orphan.

Hello Readers. There's a little site called Ancestry.com where their service is genealogy. I just saw their Christmas commercial. It ends with, "This holiday season give the gift of family."

It's like taking a friggin bullet.

Isn't that what most of us want? Adoptees who question want their families back and these holiday commercials always seem so mocking. Like hey just sign up on a whim and find interesting facts about your family. It's so damn easy, and for a small fee you can give it a try. It makes me want to scream and cry, and I do.


That's all I want every year for the holidays. I wanted so badly to go home last summer, and I so badly need to go home this summer, and I would give my life to go home even for a day this Christmas. Even if it means missing Korean Culture Camp and Teen Camp.. As much as I want to be at camp for my kids and teens, I need this for myself. I need to be a little selfish for a change.

When my birth search got shut down, I didn't feel anything for weeks. I didn't think I could feel much worse unless my mother turned out to be dead. And I always feel so horrible around the holidays, but this year is the absolute worst.

I really need my search to reopen. I am begging everyone to take my case! I really need family, and to go home, be with my people, and find her, and be in her arms, hear her voice, and know my place, and that it's finally safe to grow up, because I have her, and she's no longer missing my life, because I'm finally apart of her's. That's what I want for Christmas!!

My parents and my sister will never understand this, but I used to be an orphan. And because of them that's no longer my legal status; They are all I have.

True like many adoptees I was in the loving care of my foster mother, who I call my second mother. But my legal reality was that I didn't have my biological family the first 4 months of my life, I was an orphan

I feel like I'm the only person I know who would jump in to help someone drowning. And that feeling of caring more than my friends and family do terrifies me. I'm so scared that no one would jump in to help me. I want to be apart of a family that has my back. I want to be close to my parents. I feel like my mom and I are getting closer, but I'm petrified of even passing my dad on the staircase. Maybe I'm not close with my mom, maybe I'm just comfortable.. But that's not love is it.

I am so sick of being alone in this house. I'm scared of moving out, not just because being an adult and moving on with my life without my mother terrifies me, but because I'll loose my parents and sister forever. Even if I just lived in Minneapolis, I'd never feel welcome to come home for the holidays, even when they call to make plans for it.

When we had Thanks Giving here.. I went up stairs an hour before the table was even set.. Because I was scared no one would call me up for dinner.

I have so little family and they'll never love me, or get me, or really have my back.. And I'm petrified of loosing them. Because if I do then I'll have no family. I'm scared that I'll become an orphan again. You have no idea what it feels like to see your paper work from your baby time call you an orphan on-every-single-page!

Yes I did just use the phrase "baby time" from Joy Luck Club. I know they're Chinese, but I watch it because they over come their family's lack of communication and understanding. Even after her mama passes, She finds her sisters, and knows her mother even better.

I feel like an orphan every December.

I'm single, I have no 24/7 best friends, I keep all my friends compartmentalize to very strict zones, I keep the guys I'm dating at arms length, I keep sex as just sex and don't date the guys I have sex with, and it's all because if people got close to me.. They would see me cry myself to sleep every night, because I'm scared shitless of loosing the small tiny unfortunate bit of family I have left.

If I am a rape baby then there's no family waiting for me in Korea. Even though I'll be home and it will fill the major hole, It won't fill all the tiny cracks. There will be no family to help my with the spackle to finish the job. It's why I haven't moved out of my parents' house again; They're the spackle. Stay here, big hole. Go home, still incomplete. Clearly I need a project manager.

This is why I'm a Scrooge, this is why I hate Christmas songs so much I get physically nauseous. This is why holiday decor makes me want to cry and scream. This is really why I really truly hate the holidays.

Please, If you're my friend and you're actually reading this. I am telling you right now that I need you. Don't Facebook me. You have my digits use'um! Or better yet show up on my front door. If you could just be there for me, if you could hold my hand for a second and give me a hug as these holidays pass us.. If you're really my friend please say something, That's what I want for Christmas this year.

Please don't let me be an orphan again this year.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Therapy Is Way Cool.

Hello Readers! I am doing some amazingly fantastically cool things in therapy! My therapist Betsy is super rad. I mean Super Rad! I mean when she moved her office, I started driving an hour to see her.

***DO NOT TRY THIS WITHOUT THE ASSISTANTS OF A HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL. THIS IS ONLY AN OVERVIEW OF HOW REPROCESSING MEMORIES WORKS. If you're interested in trying this, Please contact a therapist in your area, or go to your school/place of work and meet with a councilor who can help.***

The past month we've been working on something very awesome, we've been reprocessing my memories. This just means setting a perfectly safe and serene environment for me to go through a memory and see what I feel emotionally, what my body feels, and all the small details.

It's a bit like on Criminal Minds when they take a witness through what they saw, smelled, felt, but a lot safer and slower for my subconscious. It allows me to be super aware of what I feel and what's really happening in the memory, but I don't actually feel unsafe, angry, or hurt. Like you do when you have a crappy day, feel better, explain what happened, and then feel crappy again.

There a few different ways to reprocess memories. First the tools! There's: 2 small tabs that pulse back and forth in your hands, larger tabs that pulse back and forth + have a small light that flashes back and forth, and headphones that beep back and forth in each ear. Now these tools work like background music, but they play a huge part in reprocessing. They better connect both sides of your brain.

What you do is pick your tool(s), pick a place real or made up that you feel calm and safe in. Go there in your a head a few times to really make it solid, and easy to go to. Then use it as a tool to keep you calm while you think of times when you had to deal will small annoyances. Eventually you will be able to work on bigger memories. You can use going to your safe place to keep you feeling sane in every life.

So far we've set up my safe place which is a very special park in Burnsville, The Heart of The City park. It's where I used to run to in the middle of the night as a kid to escape life. And of course I totally brought boys there, and took tons of pictures, and did drawings there. It has all sorts of moving water, lights, and sculptures. The feel of soft grass, smooth rocks, and the sound of water just makes me feel so at peace, alive, and free. It's safety.

We also worked on reprocessing small annoying memories. For me it was this guy in high school who always tapped his pencil during tests, racing against this ass hole to finish tests first, and talking to this girl who so ignorantly voted yes. Next week we'll be working on reprocessing bigger memories. The first time I got sexually assaulted in elementary school, and when these guys I've know my whole life used to call me "Japanese Girl" all through elementary school.

I think this is healthy, and really awesome for your subconscious. If you think this type of therapy could be beneficial for you, please contact a therapist in your area. If you don't have health insurance, or you have poor coverage there are plenty of free clinics. If you go to school (elementary school, middle school, high school, college/grad your school does host councilors for you to talk to. There's also many work places that offer councilors and can set you up with therapists. Cheers!

Saturday, 15 December 2012

I Am [STILL STILL] Fat: Eating Disorders 101

Hello Readers. If you remember back many months ago I had a couple posts about eating disorders! And I promised it was a mini series, so here is the 3rd and final installment of "Eating Disorders 101".

As I said before I want to talk about eating disorders because international adoptees are at a higher risk for mental issues than non-adoptees. Since eating disorders is very common, even for men, and I myself have had them in one form or another my whole life, I find this topic extremely important.

Many of you have been emailing me about your eating disorders, or about knowing an adoptee friend who has food issues. And I am wowed by how many of you are taking a bit of that control back by admitting it's unhealthy. I didn't admit my over eating to anyone until the the past couple years. Even though it was obvious when you looked at my body, but it's still important to say it out loud and tell someone. It's like someone who is clearly an alcoholic because we all saw them freak out at the party last night and there's pictures. That person still needs to admit their problem with alcohol themselves.

Now I openly admit that I have other food issues as well. I starve myself, I count calories when I pack my lunch, I lift weights and run in place just to watch tv. These are clearly not healthy habits. It shouldn't be a crime to just kick it on the couch and turn on the tube, but for me even renting a movie means I better at least be using a shake weight. Yeah I have one of those; Keep your mind out of the gutter lol!

I feel like my eating disorders are bipolar or manic depressant. Half the week I can just relax. Make some rice and Korean chicken, squirt a bunch of sriracha on and just be happy. Maybe I only run for half the movie, maybe I even skip a few hours of the day and take a nap just because I have the time. If I'm out with my bros I'll order real food vs a salad and grilled salmon. But if I'm on a date it'll probably still get a salad, but I get it with cheese and polenta croutons.

The other half the week I'm counting a half-serving of reduced fat wheat thins as one whole serving. I actually get in colorful discussions with my mom because she tries to make me buy/eat regular wheat thins. I won't drink hot chocolate no matter how freezing the house is. I don't put honey in my tea because it's just extra calories and sugar. Sometimes I even get to the point where I just heat up hot water to drink because even tea has calories in it.

Even my clothes say something about my unhealthy weight loss and life style. I'm up for a really cool job that calls for high fashion office wear. High fashion accessories I already have, but all my non-casual clothing are cocktail dresses and super formal satin gowns so I had to do a lot of shopping. I can perfectly fit a size 16 dress, 14 pant, and XL blazer. For me that feels pretty insane! A year ago next week I wore a plus size 22 dress, plus size 18 pant, and barely fit into a stretchy plus size 3X blazer. Crazy right!? And to top it off a size 16 in the USA is AVERAGE! So I'm finally an average American woman in one way, Uh.

Now most woman won't go around telling you their dress size, but I really want you guys to see how drastically my eating disorder has morphed. In the next few months I will start to experience a new kind of financial, emotional, and physical freedom (getting a new car) that I've never experienced before. I'm hoping I will also start a healthier life style and loose weight the correct way.

And no, this isn't my New Years resolution. This is just something I want to do for myself and to better my mental and physical health.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Meeting Strangers & Our Community.

Hello Readers. This week I found an email from a few months ago that had been unread and unanswered from a reader. She asked how I think I'd feel when I meet my birth family. People rarely ask me how I think I'd feel, or how I hope it happens. They just hope that it does happen for me someday.

I've heard of many stories from other adoptees saying they felt very little for their family, but when they met them all they could so was cry and feel waves of love. Other adoptees have only felt love and when they meet their birth family the fact that these people are strangers hits them like a brick wall. But in almost every reunion story I've heard was that the family always feels love. To them they lost a child. No matter the circumstances and the fact they surrendered you to an agency, they lost you.. And it kills them everyday.

Can you imagine not knowing who your baby grew up to be? Not know it if you have grandchildren? You go your whole life with questions of never knowing, full or fears, and which full thinking, full of love of or the loved one you barely got to meet. And then they find you, but they can't love you back? It must be heart breaking.

As adoptees who can't be 100% certain of what we'll feel till we meet them, we must be accepting of their love. Even if we feel like they're strangers. We must respect the loss our birth family has felt, like we want/expect others to respect the loss of culture we feel.

We must also keep in mind that the perfect ending we want might never happen. I always think of my mother lovingly, but I may find her and freak out that she's a stranger to me. She might not want to deal with the challenges of me being American. She might really be a rape victim and hates me. My worst fear is that she's already dead. But I do accept that as a possibility.

The truth is we can speculate all we want, but we'll never know till if and when we get there. But I hope no matter how it happens or what we feel, that we can all handle it together. That's what myself and other adoptee bloggers, YouTubers, writers, and artists are all about. We're not just activists for speaking out on and bringing understanding to the real meaning of international adoption, but to build a community of Asian-adoptees.

No matter how things go, and the many colors of our emotions we'll always find understanding here.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Yellow Heart vs White Skin.

Hello Readers. I am so angry and mad right now! I am annoyed with, hurt by, and upset with my white friends! They just get to be born with families and being American! Why did all of you get born with your parents! Why do you get to look like them! Why isn't your medical history a fucking mystery, Why don't you live in fear of being prone to a million different diseases! Why do you get to have the same skin as everyone else in this country! Why are you able to speak your birth tongue! Why do you all just get to be born with your culture! You don't have to learn what you're life could have been, should have been, and was supposed to be!

Sometimes I just want to scream at my white friends! Because they do not get how important this is for me! How hard this is for me! I am so mad around the holidays because family is so god damn automatic for them! And none of them get how hard I have to work just to make a good pot of rice!

You might be stressed out over making the perfect turkey or perfect honey glazed ham, but I fucking cry over not being able to slice bulgogi just right! You have a mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins to call and ask for help! But I don't! I have to go on the internet and hope to God I can figure out all these complicated recipes on my own!

I am alone in this! I'd never wish this feeling on anyone, But I'm so mad none of my white friends have to deal with this! I am angry you get to be white, so you never have to deal with what I go through being not-white! I had to make kimchi 9 times just for it to come out right once! While you can ask anyone how to make a cheese burger, apple pie, and what ever the fuck else you find classically American!

I don't have a mother! I don't have a mother! I don't have a mother!

I am not white! I am not white! I am not white!

You have family pictures, and memories, and birthday cards, and you can call her up, but I don't even have a single picture of my mother! I just know we're the same height! How is that fair!!??!!??

I only have 2 pictures of my foster mother. And today I finally have the balls to post them! I will find my family! I have too! Because I grew up being told it wasn't ok to be not white. And everyone of my friends has told me that in one way or another! And some of them have even accused me of "playing the race card" just because I happen to be not-white! How is that a fair and ok argument? "Oh well you're Asian so you're comparing everything to Koreans" The fuck does that mean? You're only reading me like that because I'm yellow you racist! I don't throw out, "We'll you're just a stupid fat American!" Why is it if you're not-white in America that disagreeing with someone means you're bringing race into it! The fuck!!

Keep your white skin, keep your privilege, call me fucking exotic, and treat me like a worthless asian wonton whore! Regardless of how poorly Americans treat me as less than them, I'd rather look like me than treat people how you do.

No matter how hard I've been whitewashed, I have a yellow heart. A golden heart.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

An Uneventful Gobble Day.

Hello Readers. Happy Gobble Gobble Day! I hope yours is lovely and full of friends and family. Even if it's family you only see for the holidays and they annoy the hell out of you. One day when someone passes away you'll suddenly realize how special even that one person made the holidays. Even if it was them starting a shouting match at the dinner table, Getting drunk and making all the cousins play charades, Or escaping the aunts and uncles to go for a chilly walk outside. Those are three things I miss about my family from my childhood.

Tonight I spend this holiday alone. I know I hate my adoption, but it doesn't mean I hate family. If anything I know more on how special family really is, and how much I'd love to be a part of one. I know what your thinking.. If you want a family so badly why aren't you with your adoptive one right now? Well I'm a bit of a Scrooge when it comes to the holidays.

I'm pretty much sad, angry, or annoyed during "the most wonderful time of the year." My birth family are all together for Ch'u Sok. Which is basically the Korean thanksgiving day. Ch'u Sok meaning "the harvest moon", Is celebrated on a different day each year depending on the lunar calendar. But it's always celebrated in September for the harvest.

I can picture the family in all parts of the house. My mother, all the ladies, and a special few men in the kitchen getting the harvest meal ready. Maybe they all step out into the living room to play a quick family game or to catch something on the tv. In my mind she hangs back and takes a movement to think about me, maybe lets herself cry a little. That's all I can picture during the holidays.. Her taking these small moments for herself..

That's exactly what I do every year. I take a moment to think about her, and to let myself cry a little. I miss her so much around the holidays. I always feel so cold and alone, Like an old hallow tree. In a way only a homeless adoptee could understand. I wish I had a home, I need her.

As always I had many friends offer to take me home for Thanksgiving, but this year I declined. I stayed home by myself while my parents went to my grandma's. I worked on my art while my cat ran around the house. I've been rocking out to good punk all day.. Mostly "The Longest Line" by NOFX on repeat. I went out with one of my best friends for a few pints. When I got home I called around to every place in the area that delivered, Until finally a pizza place answered.

The delivery boy was my age, Just a cute sweet guy. He said he was surprised a pretty girl like me would be ordering out for the holidays. I laughed and lied saying I wasn't much of a chef, Anything to avoid acknowledging Turkey Day. He laughed all miffed, as he walked away he turned around and said, "Hey! I hope you have a really great Thanksgiving!" ....It was like taking a bullet.

While I was cleaning up my dishes one of besties and brain soulmate Matt called. It's our special thing on the holidays, he always calls me on Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's my only real tradition. He's super fucked up, but he's so smart and a wonderful person. I love that kid, He's always there for me.

I hope you all had wonderful turkey filled gatherings with your friends and family today. I hope you keep in mind how special and important those people are to you. You never know how much you'll miss it once its gone. If you feel like a homeless adoptee like me, caught between two worlds that you don't belong to.. I'm sorry you're missing people you've never met, but you're not alone in feeling helplessly hallow.. I miss my biological strangers too.

So that's my Gobble Gobble Day, kinda sad, kind depressing. And pretty uneventful. My parents just got home, Time to snag a pice of my dad's pumpkin pie.

어머니여보세요. 난 당신이 훌륭한 수확은 9 월에 함께 있길 바래. 난 당신이 모든 소란에 나를 생각 바랍니다. 난 당신에게 많은 어머니가보고 싶어요. 난 달보다 더 큰 사랑 해요. 당신이 내 세상입니다. 하시기 바랍니다 내가 당신을 찾으실 수 있습니다. 당신이 알고있는 것보다 훨씬 더 많은 필요합니다. 당신 어머니 사랑 해요.

Saturday, 17 November 2012


Hello Readers! I have some uber exciting news!! There is amazing group of international adoptee writers/bloggers called TransracialEyes.com. I have known about them for years, and when I was younger I always thought it would be so cool to write with them one day.

Well.. Last week they offered me a spot with them! One of the contributors Daniel Twittered me about my blog, just being cool and supportive. He asked if I had heard of TRE and I had. Then he extended his virtual hand saying that if I was ever interested in being a contributor to let him know. I jumped saying of course I would! A couple days ago it was made official, and I have my first post up now!! This is such a huge honor, and so truly important and monumental for me.

I would have blogged about this when it happened, but I was so excited to be working with such an amazing group of adoptees. They have been heroes and leaders in the international adoptee community for years, and I'm so wowed to be linked with them! I've been out a couple times to have mini celebrations with friends. Nothing big just meeting up for drinks and desert one night in Uptown, and the next day my upstate friends and I met up for lunch at The Tea Garden.

Tomorrow a bunch of us are getting together for Sunday drunk bowling, and I'm kind of hoping someone will be like "Let's have a toast for Morgan!" I'm 99% sure that won't happen, Even after I further explain what this all means to me. For the most part my Caucasian friends don't really get what a big deal this is.. Or they're too wrapped up in themselves to recognize.. And that really hurts and is uber sucky..

Most of my friends are Caucasian and don't get how important being an adoptee is to me. Uh, but I'm not going to let them get to me though! Because weirdly my adoptive mom does get that this is huge for me! She wants to go downtown and celebrate! And for once I think it's actually for me and not just an excuse for her to go out. I told my dad about it myself, pretty much the most we've spoken since his emotional breakdown last year. He also doesn't get that his is big for me and my blog. But I'm not letting that get to me either!

This is so huge, and wonderful, and I'm just in awe of it! Ahhh!! I have a bunch more to share about the new therapy I'm working on, and this amazing adoptee quote from MTV, but those are for other posts! And don't think I've forgotten, I still have a third eating disorder post to write!

Please go check out the site. Not so much to read my post, but to check out all the other bloggers. They're really spectacular folks! It really is an honor to linked with such fantastic leaders in our community; I am floored.

Fallow/Contact me @KangSunLee1991
Via: TransracialEyes.com/Twitter/Instagram/Gmail.com/Youbtube - Sorry still no camera for better vids yet!

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

I Am [STILL] Fat: Eating Disorders 101

Hello Readers. Lately I've been getting some flack for "claiming" to have eating disorders. That you can't be on one side of the spectrum, while also being on the other side. But you can.

I starve myself as much as possible. It's that one bit of control I have in my day. When I don't eat all day I normally don't feel that gnawing starving feeling until someone says, "What should we have for dinner?" Weather it's with close a friend, or a group of colleagues I have no problem saying that I haven't eaten all day, mostly because I weigh more than most of them. Everyone makes a big fuss about getting food in me ASAP; It almost seems like they care. But then no one dare says anything when I don't eat most of my meal. Although generally I try really hard to finish my meal. I hate it when I'm the only one leaving with a box.

Then there's the other side of the eating disorder spectrum, Where I eat huge meals and munch a bunch of snacks all day. Sometimes it starts because I'm so hungry I just need to friggen eat, and then the eating continues because I feel guilty for eating. Other times I feel so emotionally empty and hallow, I need to literally fill the void. Like most overweight people, I've been overweight all my life because my brain tells me to literally eat my feelings.

Thankfully I don't make myself sick, throw up, puke... Yet. I work hard to fight that urge.

Other people keep asking me why do I talk about eating disorders on a blog about being an adoptee. Well international adoptees [especially Asian adoptees in the states] are at a higher risk for mental health issues than you're average person. Yes, I was sexually assaulted and molested starting at a young age. And I agree some of why I weighed so much as a child was to keep people away. But that does not discount all of my feelings growing up as an adoptee. I felt worthless for not being white. I was an outcast because I wasn't white. They called me"Japanese Girl" from first grade through most of junior high. How could that not effect me self worth and body image?

Eating disorders aren't exactly about the food. It's your brain's manifestation of trauma, problems, or stress that you don't want to deal with. It's your brain's red alert to you, and a way of protecting your conscious from your subconscious. As a kid I needed protection, and I still do as a young adult.

I'm not sure how many pounds I weigh right now; The beauty of not having a scale in the house. It makes me not obsess over the pounds, but of course I then obsess over my looks like barely being able to see my collar bone. I am fucking obsessed with collar bones!! A lot of those with eating disorders keep asking me how can I not obsess over the pounds. Honestly, it's like when your internet goes out for a couple days. At first you flip out, but after 4 hours you're like, "Oh weird. I don't miss Facebook and checking it.. FREEDOM!!"

In early December 2011 I weighed 240lb., barely fit a 3X tank, barely fit a size 18 pant, and wore a 42C bra. Those cups by the way are the equivalent to a 36D. The sizes for my tank and pants are plus sizes, not a regular 18 from a normal store.

Now I wear an xl tank that fits perfectly, a size 14 pant, and a 38C bra that is too big around and in the cups. I'm down about 4 sizes from under a year ago, and none of the weight loss is from being healthy. At all.

Then my best friends, who actually don't know me at all are like, "What? But you go hiking, and running, and play soccer, and all that shit. You're obsessed with protein bars and fruit, How can you not be loosing weight in a healthy way?"

Ok hiking and soccer I'll give you has healthy forms of exercise. But the running.. I do that until I'm so exhausted I basically black out. It used to be just so I could force shut down my racing mind by being so exhausted, to finally sleep. Now it's because I just ate a giant bowl of spicy ramyun, with eggs in it for dinner! Which Is Not Fucking Ok because I had toast with peanut butter and tea for breakfast! And sometimes the only thing I eat all day is a couple protein bars! And I eat a lot of fruit because I know it's mostly water!! But unlike when I chug water all day to fill me up, Fucking fruit has some level of nutrients in it!!

Even right now I'm all, "OMG.. Eggs sound sooo good!" I haven't eaten all morning. In fact I have eaten since my mini chicken Kiev, a scoop of broccoli, and a scoop of rice last night. Actually I ALMOST ate some Goldfish and Triscuits late last night. Even put it in a bowl and everything, but then threw it all in the trash instead.

While typing all of this I have consumed an entire liter, 1000ml, just over 32oz of water. If I list out the amount in more than one way, it feels like more. I am so not done talking about eating disorders. This is such an important mental health topic from both men and woman.

But fore now, I guess now I'll go have a protein bar or some sourdough pretzels.

Monday, 5 November 2012

Be Mindful & Learn To Care more.

Hello Readers. Last week I was able to meet up with an old friend who I hadn't seen in years! It was so much fun to see her, and give her a hug! Her parents are missionaries and she grew up in Papua New Guinea. She is Caucasian and have been living in the states for years, but like me she still feels like a foreigner. She looks like most Americans, but she's bilingual and bicultural. I do not look American at all, and while being raised in America I'm still bicultural.

While we caught up we also talked about things that bugged us about American life. The number one thing was how American social culture is set up to focus on the individual vs the community. The American dream of being self made is great and all, but being self made means keeping a the focus on the individual vs the community. Being yourself and taking care of yourself first is very important, but in virtually every country has their social focus on the community.

This doesn't mean you need to sacrifice yourself for the group. It means to try and put others first. To have the understanding that you're own little world doesn't revolve around you. Your own little world is your family and friends, meaning your community. It's also your job has a human being to extend that love to other communities of totally strangers.

Middle class in the states may not rule, but they come in unheard of numbers. The middle class basically does not exist in other countries. Yet it's my middle class friends who complain the most and so rudely about money. They bag and hate on my upper class friends all the time. Simply because they have a higher net worth than them. To me that's ridiculous and childish. It's the adult equivalent to a child hating a classmate for getting an expensive toy.

My upper class friends don't complain about my middle class friends at all, except for most of them having rather rude manners and not being big on reading. Most of my upper class friends need to work 80 hour weeks to make the money they do. For the ones who don't need to work a paying job, they still work 80 hour weeks hands on with nonprofits and are constantly volunteering. They all takes large portions of their earnings and donate as well.

I also have very poor friends. Friends who can barely make rent. Friends who live on the streets everyday. Friends who have never had their own room or their own bed. And one friend who actually jumps trains to get around!Know where I met most of them? Volunteering! And I don't mean me helping them, I mean we met while volunteering together. They never complain about money, and they don't bag on others or myself for having more than them. All they want in life is to give back and help their communities. They consider their work their real life savings.

While trying to explain to my super tall guy friend [Who has randomly popped back into my life, Still don't why yet] that he was being selfish and made something I was sharing him all about him. He told me that I was just playing "The Culture Card", Which we all know is a sugar coated way of saying "The Race Card". I was taken a back, Whenever a friend says something racist to me I'm always surprised. Apparently me being yellow, while stating a fact in any Soc101 textbook is actually me comparing America to Korea. I didn't mention Korea at all, but apparently me just being Korean implies such. I was only observing a basic sociological truth any social scientist would have pointed out, but because I'm Korean I'm "clearly" comparing America to Korea? That is so racist.

I wish my middle class friends were aware of the real riches in volunteering vs complaining and doing nothing about it. Instead of complaining, go out and make a difference! I complain about adoption all the time, but I'm actually going out and doing something about it! I wish they'd pull on a hair net, donate a few boxes of clothes, and help a stranger for once. I wish all of my American friends were more mindful in their daily lives, and more aware of what others have to go through in their daily lives. I just wish everyone cared more; The way me and my foreigner friends do.

I once told a friend that it felt like I cared too much. While everyone always laughs at me, saying they agree and I'm weird for it.. He was the first and only American to reply, "There's no such thing, Others care to little. So there is hope if we all go out and try.

Sunday, 4 November 2012

I'm Upset With: Adoption, Friends, & Food.

Hello Readers. Some nights, Like tonight, I can't stop watching adoptee reunions. I can't stop listening to "I Wonder" by Gowe. I can't stop watching this Long Island Medium marathon because I just want answers so badly.

I can't speak Korean. I can't get my answers easily. I can barely cook Korean food right. It is all so unfair! And I am so angry all the time because of these things! I see a little Korean adoptees with their Caucasian adoptive parents and I just want to hug them. I see asian couples my age running around the city and I just want to cry. I see these Asians looking at me with sad eyes, and just sensing that I'm American and I die inside. These everyday things just kill me inside. And no one else gets it; No one else needs to deal with it.

I just want to go home. I just want my mother. I would do anything for answers.

I can't stop crying. I've been crying for hours. I am so exhausted. I'd call a friend, But then I'd have to explain how crazy messed up I am and freak them out. I hate being such a bummer. Plus none of my close friends that live near me seem to care about this stuff that much. None of them even read my blog. Which is fine, it's not like I have required reading to be my friend. I just wish they'd recognize how important and hard this is for me. I wish they'd recognize my blog and all of my readers; That this isn't just a random hobby that nobody reads.

Uhhh. As hard as I try to blog it out vs bumming my friends out, My friends' lack of caring and consideration really bums me out. I know it's not them trying to act like that, it's really just how American society socially is. In the states it's all about individualism vs community; No other country in the world is like that. Americans are a very unmindful people. Now I just feel bummed about my shittastic American friends.

This used to call for a giant bowl of ramyun and what ever else was in the pantry to fill the void and eat my feelings. Now days this calls for not eating. Basically to have the ability to control something in my life. But then I lost control and had a big bowl of ramyun anyways. Although I was completely starving, I feel guilty. Starving normally wins, because I have this sick obsession with wanting to see my collar bone as much as possible. But if it's not giving into one side of the eating disorder spectrum, it's the other. I am so over these food issues.

I am so upset with my life, my friends, and myself.

None of this fair.

Saturday, 3 November 2012

Sex & Dating Can Be Positive & Fun.

Hello Readers. My last couple blogs weren't the happiest. I feel much better now. I also would like a blog that shows the positives in my sexual experiences, and that sex can be fun, healthy, and safe. A lot has been going on in my personal life. Tons of dating, and just having a lot of fun with friends and art work. It's amazing how good it feelings, but I've been single for almost 2 years.

The truth is I love being single, and no I'm not just saying that because I'm a single girl who owns a cat. Going on all sorts of fun dates, and events, and not worrying if the other person hates it or hates being dressed up. Being as free as I want and belonging to no one, It's radtastically amazing! But I also wonder if I'm gripping to staying single so tightly because it's a sure fire way of keeping my adoptee heart safe.

Now I'm living my life in a way I never had before, no one has a piece of my heart. I'm totally free wheeling baby! I'm currently seeing a handful of dapper fellows who are all swingingly fantastic. It's all very casual and non-exclusive; Nothing too intimate emotionally or sexually. No worries, They're all also seeing other people too. Which is a damn good safety net if you ask me.

I'm also having "sexual relations" with one of my bros. We call it being "Bro Hos", Which [before you freak out ladies] is a phrase I coined and find hilarious! We have fun with the gang, then later we have alone fun, and straight up bro chill after words. It's kind of an awesome set up ha! We make each other laugh like we're retarded, fill physical needs, and are still remain good friends. And yes as all people should we practice safe sex!

Now I'm not saying sex before marriage or out of any relationship is ok, but I'm also not saying only not having sex for fear of going to hell is ok either. Relationships and sex are tricky. If you're faith says not to have sex before marriage [or not to masturbate ever] and you fully believe in that as your god's or gods' truth, than don't have sex and keep to you're faith. If you believe it's ok to have sex before marriage because you don't believe in religion or don't agree with parts of your religion, and are emotionally and physically ready for sex, go for it.

To me not having sex or having sex isn't going to make you cool or uncool. Doing something you're not comfortable with or don't believe in is uncool. Doing what you believe in and are comfortable is what's cool to me. If you ask me, Sticking to your personal beliefs is the reddest decision you can make.

Maybe I'm only "just dating" and only having "just sex" because I'm protecting myself. If it really is JUST dating and ONLY sex, than how can I be hurt or disappointed in the end? It's insane to think I even keep my heart a secret from my adoptive parents. Between that and my last relationship being crazy toxic as we grew into different people, no wonder I'm burying everything to to keep my freedom. But then there's the whole I have a birthmother, who I feel I need to live up to thing..

She gave me my life, and in turn I should be able to share that love and kindness to the world. Even it means I could get hurt. Admittedly I still don't trust my friends with my whole heart. But maybe if I let myself feel things I just might meet someone who is more than a fantastic date, More than just a bro, And more than only sex. Maybe I've already met him, or maybe I will soon.. Someone to make me think, "You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter. You are the best thing that’s ever been mine." T-Swift.

Hopefully I can just let my feelings roam.. And fallow them.. on Twitter & Instagram both @KangSunLee1991. I could always fallow this blog, or leave comments on this blog, or email them @KangSunLee1991@gmail.com. I'm pretty slick at plugs right? *winks*


Friday, 2 November 2012

For Those Who Are Alone In The World.

Hello Readers. Tonight I blast "One More Suicide" by Marcy's Playground while laying on my bedroom floor. My adoptive mom [who has NEVER read my blog, I just tell her about it] flipped out about my last blog, that if I didn't make it vague enough those involved could sue us. So I edited it and made it all vague. I told my therapist about my adoptive mom's reaction and we both agree that it's very disturbing she only cares about being sued and not what happened to me. Even more disturbing the only things she said really regarding me at all was "I can't believe you'd do that! Why would you do that!" Basically blaming me.

In the car leaving the Mall of America I called her out on this.

She totally missed the point of me feeling like she didn't care and said I was just twisting her words. She said she did care, but she just doesn't see how I could do that. Again blaming me as if I wanted to do those things, like I had some sort of choice in the matter. Then she tried to say that she did care and didn't blame me, but in no way did she sound genuine or concerned.

I then asked if my dad knew yet. She hasn't told my dad [who only hears about my blog through her since we never talk, and I can go a few days in the house with never seeing him] about it because "it's not that simple." This coming from the woman who thinks I as a 8-9 year old should have been able to tell her. I asked her what the fuck was the difference between me as a child trying to tell anyone what happened to me on the playground, and her as an adult trying to tell her adult spouse. She said there was a big difference. To which I responded to as yes there is a huge difference. Her as an adult has the tools to tell another adult.

I just burst out crying saying that I wish that they cared about me; I'd do anything for them to accept and support me. That I'm sick of begging them! That I'm sick wishing for them to just fucking care about me! That yes I am thankful they foot the bill for therapy, But money isn't love! Money doesn't talk or show concern! My adoptive mom said we talk about these things all the time; I corrected her saying that I talk and she refuses to listen or to try and understand. That even if they could never ever support, or care, or understand all this adoption stuff, that I thought on this one thing my mom as a woman would understand and care about. But she just doesn't.

So I'm just in my room crying uncontrollably with my cat Pumpkin. I'm just so done. I do not want to wake up tomorrow, and it sucks because I know that I will. I'll wake up and will have another day. I will shower, pull on pretty hipster clothes, curl my hair, put on luxury makeup, and go out with the guys pretending everything is just fine. When every time I go to the bathroom I'll be crying because all I want is for my parents to hug me and say that they really do love me for me.

I know that I'm a worth a lot and believe that every person is worth so much, more than they'll probably ever know.. But I just really really, truly, deeply wish I was worth something to my parents.

Even when all my friends desert me to hide and me alone, even if my sister never really speaks to me again, even if my parents never find worth in me.. I will still care about them, find value in their lives, and wish that they could do the same for me even though I know they never will. And I truly hate myself for that.

This little girl dressed all in pink, her hair pulled back into a pony tail, her sneakers squeaking.. This little sweet and innocent 7 year old me, who I've been protecting my whole life.. She's crying in the back of my head and keeps whispering, "Morgan why did you say something? Not talking about it protected us. You exposed us and it hurts Morgan.. Talking was a mistake.."

I haven't felt this low in months. Tonight it truly horrible. I'd end this with typing fuck ten times, but that doesn't seem to do this feeling justice. I feel horrible, but talking is always the right thing to do and I'm proud I did it.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Blocked Memories: Part Two.

*A word of caution, This blog is sexually explicit. It contains details of underage promiscuity and sexuality. It also contains details of sexual assault, molestation, and underage abusive relationships. If this is offensive or triggering in any way please do not read. I read and answer as many emails as I can each week, but I only respond to negative messages worth responding to. This blog will be different; I will not respond to any negative messages regarding this blog. Thank you.

Hello Readers. After unblocking a few memories from my childhood and revealing they were positive, I knew what other memories I had to work on as well. Growing up I was very promiscuous. But not every sexual interaction was something I wanted. I have been sexually assaulted many times, molested many times, in a sexually abusive "relationship", and almost raped. It all started when I was just a kid, and finally ended in the middle of high school. The first boy and the last guy are the ones I really remember, It's the in between that's so foggy and locked up in my mind.

The sexual assaults that occurred between the first and the last are all a fog. I can remember who for the most part, and what happened, I can remember the season and what I was wearing, but it's not a clear memory I can recall perfectly. It happened with many different guys growing up. All making it very clear that they were either into Asians, wanted to experience an Asian woman, or that they had been waiting a long time to fuck around with the famous Morgan "The Asian" Pearson, because she was a very fun and extremely talented and gifted Asian slut. They all kissed and groped me, pinning me against walls, pulling me to them, and holding me underneath them. None of the guys between the first and the last tried to rape me, but many of them fingered me and pulled me breasts of out my shirt
to play with in all kinds of ways.

Most victims don't come forward because they're afraid no one will believe them, that people will think they were asking for it, or that they themselves think they deserved it. Other victims don't come forward because they're threatened. Other than the last guy I never felt truly threatened by anyone. But they all made it clear that it had something to do with me being Asian. That fact alone made me feel like worthless shit. I was ashamed and embarrassed each time, that it was only happening to me because I was Asian. Other than the last guy the assaults only happened once with each guy. If I could just remember more, and that is what I will be working with my therapist on. She is currently being trained to recover blocked memories.

In my head at the time telling any adult, close friends, boyfriends, my parents, or sister the shameful thing that was happening to me and that it was because I was Asian.. Was like me admitting I was ashamed of being Asian. And I knew I could never stop being Asian. It just felt like I was stuck with it, that this is just what happens to Asian woman. What else could I do?

Most of you know when I was in 4th grade or so I'm not totally sure, That I had my first sexual assault. I was on the playground after lunch at my elementary school, and a boy I've know my whole life came up to me. He grabbed my breasts with both hands. While laughing at me he said, "I thought Asians were supposed to be flat!" I had started developing very early.. But I barely even knew the stereotype of flat chested Asian woman then. I have no idea how he did.

I was humiliated and embarrassed, I looked around and no one had been watching. I felt so alone that weather someone had seen it or not, no one stopped him. Thinking hard about it now I remember he didn't just grab me.. (And now I'm crying.) He squeezed them in his hands hard twice before he let go. And he didn't laugh until after he said those things to me. The way he said it, it was stoic and cold. After that I had to finish elementary school with him, and we went to junior high together. Luckily for me we never had any classes together, so I never had to see him. He might have gone to high school with me, but I never saw him.

The last time I was sexually assaulted was in high school. It was the winter of my sophomore year. Still just a young stupid kid right? I had gone to junior high with him, but we were never friends. I was always nice to him though. He was introverted, and I always go out of my way to be kind to those shy and quiet who socially get treated terribly by their peers. That fall he had been hitting on me and making comments on my goth corsets, He said he wished all girls wore them. He also said how much into asian girls he was. It was creepy and weird, but I was a young girl starving for some kind of love and acceptance. Unfortunately I was looking for those things in sexual promiscuity; Exactly where love and acceptance can't be found.

He asked me out and I went to one movie with him. Why not? It seemed harmless, and he was nice. He seemed sweet. On the car ride back, He announced to his mom [who was driving us], that I was his girlfriend! I think she might have even congratulated us. The red alert went off in my head! How could I be his girlfriend? We went to a fucking movie and held hands, We didn't make out a bunch of times and then had a discussion on what to call what we're doing!? But his mom was right there all happy and so was he.. So again I was like why not? None of my relationships last past a month anyways, what's one month of my life really going to hurt? If only I had known then.

For the next couple of weeks we'd go to his house and watch a movie, or play video games. We were always in the basement, I never saw the rest of his house. I only had cell reception down there on the stairs and then it was gone, so I'd always carelessly through my phone in the corner as joke. It seemed like a red alarm to be alone with a boy I barely knew, but his parents were always right upstairs in the living room.. We were in white suburbia, have known of each other since we were 12, and went to the best public high school in the midwest.. It seemed safe enough right?

He didn't even really want to kiss me ever except goodnight, which always struck me as strange. We were boyfriend and girlfriend and he wasn't into kissing me. Except for these weird times where that's all he wanted to do, but it was strange like he had no feeling in it. It was like he wasn't into it, but would randomly push for a lot of kissing as if it was something I wanted and a project for him. But he did want to jump right into fingering me, and feel me up all the time. I found myself fighting back tears and just taking it.. Pretending that his actions were normal.

One night he was so into the video games we hadn't talked at all. He was sitting in front of the big chair we always sat on. I was bored out of my mind so I slid my hips forward and put my legs on either side of him and started playing with his hair and giggling to get his attention. I just wanted him to come up and cuddle me while he played, at least then I'd be doing something..

He said, "Oh I know what you want" in a voice that clearly didn't know what I wanted.. This time he didn't just pull my pants down a little.. He pulled them off onto the floor. He pushed me back into the chair and I started flatly saying, "No we shouldn't." He took his small self out and tried to push himself inside me. Luckily he was lying about not being a virgin and had no idea what he was doing. He just kept trying to push himself into my clit. It hurt so much, but I was in such a fog I barely felt it at the time. Later that night at home I was throbbing from the pain. I was actually not a virgin, but I was not about to give him any direction. I just laid there whimpering "no" and "we shouldn't" as if I had some sort of choice in his sick world..

The world I was in was dull and the only thing I could focus on was being able to look over his shoulder and see my cellphone in the corner of the room. I kept wishing I had it in my hand and could call my mom to take me home. I kept begging myself for it, but then I had no idea what I'd say to her. How could I explain this? How could I tell her I'm not a virgin and that fooling around with guys, and being good at is was what I do all the time? How could I tell her I was so fucked up I lost my virginity when I was 15!? How could I tell her it all happens, because I'm Asian and not white like her? How could a white woman understand that?! I couldn't. So I stopped wishing for my phone, leaned me head back, and stared at the ceiling.

He finally got tired and gave up. Then he did again what he thought every woman wanted after "sex" or for him "almost rape", He pulled me over to the couch so we could make out. Then it was time to go home.

After that I didn't see him because he went out of the country for Christmas. The day he got back he was late coming to school, but he told me to wait for him.. I was scared of him, so I did as I was told. He gave me my Christmas gift on the steps at school. It was a half carat diamond piece of jewelry. It was beautiful, and to this day the most expensive and nicest gift I had gotten from any guy. He acted like a big shot, but also as if to say, "no harm done." I still have it too, even wore it
from time to time in high school. It was a horrible gift from him, but in my social world you don't give rid of diamonds and diamonds are meant to be seen. Refusing to wear it would also mean telling why I didn't want to wear it.

After he gave me my Christmas gift he told me we were skipping class, So I did. He took me to one of the stairs wells, we hid underneath the stairs. He then unzipped his pants and expected me to suck his small member. I was stunned, we were in school! Anyone could see us! We'd be in a kind of trouble I'd have never known! But he was waiting for me to start doing it.. As I lowered me head and started he started saying the weirdest shit. Like friggen facts about how long it can take for a guy to cum, Did you know it can take 7 even up to 13 minutes? Because I'm pretty sure it's more of a "times may vary" kind of thing.

After a few minutes I lied and said my jaw and arm were tired. Once again he thought I just wanted to make out, but I stood up and said I really had to get to class. I walked until he was out of sight, and then a ran like hell to class. Since a lot of our classmates knew what he had boughten me, I had to act all proud about the diamond piece of jewelry. After class I ran to bathroom and cried about what he had just made me do and everything that lead up to it. Then I put my new piece of diamond jewelry on and told everyone how much I loved it.

After that we never spoke again. Until a year or so after high school had ended. I Facebookd him! I got the nerve to message him and told him that he molested me and tried to rape me. He simply messaged back that I was a liar and that I wanted it. I told him that I didn't and I kept saying no and for him to stop the whole time, and then I blocked him.

I will hate him forever. I will hate both of them forever. I will always hate all of them for using me just because I'm Asian. At least I wish I hated them, But as hard as it is I believe in forgiveness for all human beings. I will forever be angry though. I am so proud of being and looking the way I do. I am a strong Korean woman, And I will always be this way.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Blocked Memories: Part One.

Hello Readers. Last time I said I had two major psychological break throughs to share with you. The first I will share right now. A few weeks ago I started telling my adoptive mom more about how I always felt like the black sheep growing up. How even on family vacations I always thought that they'd all have more fun if I wasn't there. I told her that I never felt close to any of them growing up and that none of them ever wanted to be close to each other or to me.

As always my adoptive mom said she had no idea why I felt that way, and she's sorry about my own feelings. But this time she didn't leave it at just that. She told me when I was a kid people always thought she had the most fun with my sister since she has always been so passive and quite. My mom told them she actually had the most fun with me because I was so outgoing. Can you believe it? She said she had the most fun with me, The daughter who I thought she basically hated.

I started to think back to my childhood, and I actually remember her saying things like that to other parents at class parties. I remember when she came through the door with the other parents to set up the parties.. [And now I'm crying.] I'd basically stop paying attention in class, because I wanted to run up and hug my mom and introduce her to all the other parents and my friends.

Looking back to all my negative childhood memories and thoughts of hating myself for being the black sheep of the family.. I felt negative the whole time, But my mom would always be smiling at me. How could I block out her smiles? So maybe my childhood wasn't so horrible as I had always thought, even when I was living it as a child. I was so traumatized from being adopted as a kid that everything, even if positive I viewed and took in negatively. I had no idea you could block out good memories, but that's just how my trauma manifested to protect me as a child and even as a young adult.

These newly defined memories led me to thinking about other traumas I had to grow up with, but that will be in my next blog.

Friday, 26 October 2012

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

Hello Readers! I know I'm really behind on blogs and updates, and to be honest I haven't been writing at all for weeks. Some days I'm in a complete fog lost in my own thoughts and other days I'm moving around a mile a minute. This weekend I plan on catching up on my blogs; I have really big psychological break throughs to share with you.

I'm writing this blog right now to share something incredible. As many of you know I'm a big fan of indie tunes and am an Uptown hipster, city girl, and indie kid. One of my favorite bands, a band that I grew up with is The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. A year or so ago they posted a number for them fans to call and talk to them. Well last night they did it again!

I called and left a message talking to them about my blog. I told them they didn't need to repost the link or anything, but to please check it out. I told them how much my blog and helping other adoptees meant to me. Then I hung up and called right back, and their inbox was already full! I kind of freaked out that my voice message might not have saved and started calling them like crazy.

I made one last call, and it rang!! One of them picked up and I just started rambling like a trackless idiot about being a South Korean adoptee, and my blog, and international adoption, and on and on until I went blank and stopped talking! They told me to send them a message with the link, that it was the best way for them to check it out. I tried to write a message to them that was written in my style, with all the info.. Now after sending it.. It's pretty choppy and ineloquently written, But the message is out there even if written a little wonky.

So here's to hoping they are able to get through all their Facebook messages to mine and are able to check out this blog! *Raises Camelbak Water Bottle *Clunk

After I got off the phone and the shock sharpened I got so emotional and excited I started crying uncontrollably! I am still very emotional that I'm shaking as I write this, But it's a happy shake! The kind that will lead me to dancing to "You Better Pray" right after I post this!

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus: Guys if you're reading this, Thank you again for talking my call. I know it's completely random as to whose call you do and don't take, But thank you for answering. Thank you for reading this. It truly means the world to me and my readers. I know I only have a couple followers and no one ever comments on here, but my inbox is flooded with over 100 emails every week. Every new person who reads this has a better understanding of what it means to be an international adoptee; A true look into a world they'd other wise hardly know existed. But we do exist, and it's such a privilege to be able to reach out to you guys, a group of people I'd normally never be able to make contact with. Thank you for taking the time out of your amazingly complex and busy schedule for this. You guys are so fantastically rad and rock spectacularly hard!

I am truly elated right now; I feel happy.

Sunday, 7 October 2012

What I Have To Live With As "Normal".

Hello Readers. I don't know how to get people to understand what it's like when you don't like your adoption. I don't know how to get others to understand what its like to be physically yellow and culturally white in a white world. How do I get people to understand when it all goes wrong and you just want to stop your life. You want stay in bed everyday because even if you move on, even if you thrive the facts don't change. You will never get out the facts; You're trapped in them forever. I can only lay out the facts that I have to live with everyday. Things you've never had to give a thought to on living with.

I was born without my parents. My whole birth family is back in Korea. I call them family, but they are complete strangers. My birth brings my family shame. My overseas and interracial adoption brings my country shame. My birth mother could be the only person there who knows I exist. I literally can't communicate with her because I have never met her, and because we literally do not speak the same language. There's an 80% chance that she is a rape victim. Which means I invaded a rape victim's body for 9 months, and her first experience with "motherhood" was birthing her rape baby. I am a constant reminder of her assault, and her living nightmare.

I was taken from my home in Korea. Where everyone looks like me, Eats the food their bodies were meant for, and speaks the language their tongues were born to produce. My birth tradition and culture is there, things that I will never learn the same way I would have if I had been able to stay. Those things and opportunities, to be a real Korean were taken from me when I was only 4 months old. Thousands of years of my heritage was stolen from me before I could crawl. My ancestors, my birth family, and maybe even my birth mother are buried there. That soil is sacred to me and it is the home I have never known. I have been homeless for over 21 years.

I was white washed when I was only a 4 month old baby. America took my memories. America took my identity and tore my insides to shreds! Now I can only look Korean. It took me my whole life till my 21st birthday to finally get the guts to get my Korean bangs cut. Because I was scared of looking like something I never knew and missed more than you could ever imagine! And also because I was scared of looking even more not white! I was scared of looking what Americans call "exotic" when I'm just trying to be my fucking self. I'm just trying to be who I was supposed to be!

I'm trying to find Kang Sun Lee. America took her and murdered her the day I came to the states. The movement I got off that plane and you people started calling me Morgan Claire Pearson, You murdered her. She didn't even have one chance to prove she was worth something.

I grew up trying to suppress her. I grew up being ashamed of her. Ashamed that I tanned so dark, confused as to why I loved speech food soo much, and crying myself to sleep I was so lost. I was forced to forget who I was, and who I'm supposed to be. Every night since I was a child I'm haunted by the same dream or nightmare of being a baby in hospital being taking away from my parents.

While you can call you're mom up on her cell and make plans for lunch, I have to dedicated my life to finding mine. You know how back in high school your parents would stay up late for you to get home on time. Maybe once or twice they panicked and called and texted you a million times.. But your phone was off, and a million horrible things Sprinted through their minds. That's what I live with everyday. I am panicking that I can't get ahold of her! I am panicking that I might never get ahold of her, or that when I do it will be too late and she'll be dead.

And this.. This is just the beginning of the list. There's a whole lifetime of things you will never have to consider your every day, your "normal", your life. This is a small small fraction of what I have to live with and try to accept everyday.

Now tell me this isn't as traumatic as living through a plane crash. Tell me I can't just stay in bed forever. Even though for the first time in my life I want to live, and for the first time in my life I'm getting happy.. I still view my bed as an option.

Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Best Friends: The Jew, The Asian, & The Tall Guy.

Hello Readers. Did you know that my three best friends are no longer in my life? Do you have any idea how much that sucks to have on top of all this adoptee stuff? And just to turn the knife in me 90 degrees, my dating life is amazing, my art life is fantastic, and I have absolutely no one to share it with.

For those of you who don't know my ex was my best friend for the past 5 years. Now we don't talk at all, that kid is so far off my radar it only beeps if someone asks about him. But he hasn't changed at all, So it's really good to move on. My other best friend was my closest and dearest Asian friend. A lot of crazy things are going on with him and his family. Things I don't agree with. He can't handle me loving him and thinking he is a good person regardless of what's going on. He told me our friendship was on "a break", because he doesn't think a friend could say the things I've said about what's going on and still love him and think he can be a good person.

What really truly deeply sucks though is officially not having my very best friend in my life. We met almost a year ago and friendom was instant. We hung out almost every weekend, had sleep overs, watched movies, checked out art, and always laughed until we cried. He's also one super tall mother fucker ha!

I actually wrote a blog about him when we had first met. The what ifs of our potential relationship, and how those thoughts alone stressed me out. Who'd have guessed I'd meet one the coolest people I know, and we'd become so close so quickly. Like my Asian friend he's decided he'd rather be alone. He says that it's not nessisarly me, but he thinks he should be alone in general.

Most of my best friends through out my life have run away because they think they should be alone than be with people. They think they're protecting me from them hurting me, but really they're just deserting me. And if they really didn't care about anything and hated everyone, Then they would feel the need to protect me? Instead of facing their issues with me being able to hold their hand, they let go of my arm, and hide back into their holes. I miss their faces.. I miss seeing them in the light.

I wish they'd get sick of be alone and being afraid. I know I'm sick of being alone and being afraid. So I speak out on adoption and I will never shut up. Things in my personal life are unfolding beautifully, and I wish my best friends were here to share it with. I really miss my very best friend. He'll probably never know how much I love that kid, and how much he means to me. Regardless of our complex friendship this past year, I know I'll never meet another bestie that made me as happy as he did. No one ever has made me laugh as hard as that tall weirdo.

As happy as I am about finally pushing my life foreword and getting a grip on things.. Few things shatter my smile more than not having a best friend to gush too. I bet he thinks I'm not upset over this, but I'm incredibly upset. I bet he thinks I'll get over this like it's nothing, but our friendship to me was a big thing. I will not just get over not having him in my life. He has no idea how much I've been missing him, and how much I'm always going to miss him.

So now I just don't talk to anyone about anything. There's no one close enough to me that I can't just call them up in the middle of the week and gush everything to them. The only "people" I gush to about my life is my therapist and this blog. Everyone else just gets snips and segments. It sucks being cut up into so many pieces. It sucks not having someone I can just tell everything too.

I miss my tall best friend. And the only "people" I have to gush to about it is my therapist, and this blog. Nothing matters more than friendship. "Lose one friend, Lose another friend, Lose yourself."

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Overcoming Toxic Relationships.

Hello Readers. The past few weeks I've only seen my friends make bad choices. I make bad choices. We've all been in toxic relationships weather it was someone we dated, a friend, or a family member. Lately I've been thinking about my friends' toxic relationships and pushing myself to evaluated my own.

One of my best friends just moved back home from New York. She went there for school, and only has a year left, but decided she just couldn't do it on her own anymore. Like me she grew up getting everything handed to her, but unlike me she broke free. She finally got a got a job at 18, got into good colleges, and left the nest. After paying for her apartment, books, food, everything but her tuition alone for 3 years she decided she couldn't do anymore.

She had a huge breakdown from constantly being alone with out some sort of family. She only sees them when her mother visits her a few times a year. Her dad only sees her for a short dinner if her mother makes him. which is really hard on her since he's in New York all the time for business. She couldn't take not having family anymore.. So she came home.

She's back in the area, she parents took her back, set up a bank account, and now she's under their financial thumb again. But I'm just in awe of her, she did everything I wish I had done years ago. Everything I'm trying to do now, getting out from under my parents. She went out and really lived with a huge amount of independents that I have never known. And just like that she packed up, came home, and turned back into a meek girl.

Lets be honest I live with my parents, I've been handed every thing in life, and I've never really had to work for anything. I grew up going to the best public schools, wearing expensive clothes, and never met any consequences. My whole life I've been living under my parents financial thumb. My sister is 25, married, out of the house with her husband, and she's still under their financial thumb. Basically my parents make up for not really being close to us by giving us money. When there's an extra crazy bad fight in the house my mom solves it by taking me to the mall. My whole family is in a toxic relationship with each other.

But how I was raised isn't an excuse anymore, it's an explanation of how I thought life worked for years. I never understood how people would just move away from home, or buy huge things like cars, rent, and houses on their own. Even when I lived in St.Paul my parents payed for everything. I didn't have a job. In fact I didn't have a job until last summer. I ended up quitting after a few months because I was being racially sexually harassed by a 53 year old man in front of everyone all the time. I never reported it to HR because it happend in front of department managers everyday and in front of one of the HR ladies on several occasions.

I technically I still don't drive either, but I'm working on that. I'm also working on a job search and am hopefully going back to school in spring. I want to work at Ikea or the high end area of a department store. I'm looking for open and creative environments because that's the kind of professional work space I'd thrive in.

I will get out of this house and into a place where I'm happy. This is just one more way to overcome my adoption issues. I've never felt such a push to get away before. Partly because I've always been afraid if I ever really left here, I'd never see my family every again. But now I think I can trust my mom in one way for once, that's she'll never let me ago. That's really unhealthy and messed up, but with enough distance that just might be ok. I don't think I'll ever really be done with this family. I still have hope we could be a family one day. I'm excited to finally get a grip on the financial direction of my life. So here's to gaining real independence!

An old friend from art school has been in same boat as me with a similar break up story. He got back into dating again way before I did, but was doing really swell with being single. A couple months ago he started hanging around his ex again. Now it seems like every week Facebook blows up about them being in a relationship and then being single.

I love his boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/boyfriend, but damn that's so unhealthy for them. (Oh yeah, My friend is gay. I'm pro gay! If you're not, Please reconsider your negative thoughts on your fellow human beings.) They aren't bad guys, but neither of them has changed so it's still not working. Also they're both still on OkCupid.com and on it everyday. (Yup, I just outed my online dating existence. No shame, Everyone and their mom is on it.) That can't be helping their relationship/break ups either, It also shows what little faith they have in it actually working. Or maybe it shows secretive causation?

After going through so much with an ex to try and be friends, and then just staying away from each other.. It actually seems very nutty to throw all that hard work of being single away. If I'd ever felt depressed over being single. I've never ran back to somebody just because they had known me forever, had known my body, and knew everything about me. It surprises how much I don't think about my last ex. It surprises me how much better I'm doing and feeling about myself getting out on my own. When I ask myself if there's anything left, if I'd ever give it another go. Honestly I wouldn't, No way.

My last boyfriend and I started dating the week before our senior year of high school. We didn't know realize it then, but after a year we had a serious lack of communication. This resulted in the same fight over, and over, and over again. How he literally ignored me constantly reading articles and playing on his laptop, He'd ask me a question and have do idea I answered him. It was like I was being ignored every minute of every day for years. We just turned into two very different people.

I broke up with him, partly to get away, and partly to see if he'd actually miss me. He did, but nothing changed. Things just got worse, much much worse. That went on for over year. It was an extremely toxic relationship for the both of us. I haven't really talked to him the past month, and I don't ever noticed him not being here anymore. I'm proud that I'm never going back to him. [Insert Taylor Swift's new single here]

Currently I'm out dating, and meeting new people,and it is absolutely wonderful. It's everything I never got a chance to do in high school I was always in a relationship or interested in one particular person. I never actually just dated until now. I know it's cliche, but I love being single! It started out rocky and awkward liking someone new, but now? Total rad hipster cake!

The past 4 months of really putting myself out there have really been fantastic. I'm uber proud of myself for shaking off shy adopted Morgan. She's dead weight for sure. I kind of wish I could have a chance to go back and remeet the first few guys I went out with when she was still clinging to me. Not for a chance at them, But a chance to show myself what I'm capable of when I find a way to overcome my adoption issues.

Dealing with my toxic relationships has been the best thing I could ever do for myself. I've had a ton of personal growth over the past 6 months. Every thing I write is to tell adoptees to speak up and let it out. Well this blog, Is to tell you you can come over your adoptee issues. You can grow despite of your adoption. Be free my friends ^_-

Wednesday, 19 September 2012

I Am Fat: Eating Disorders 101

Hello Readers. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. (*Yes that was an Oprah Winfrey reference!) I am overweight, in fact I'm quite fat. I've always been the fat girl, and grew up to be a plus size lady. For the most part when it comes to my looks I've always thought I was beautiful. I'll admit I've always felt weird around other koreans who are my height, But so so much thinner than myself. Regardless of jerks who made fun of my weight growing up, there has always been a long string of people who tell I'm a very pretty girl. Few days go by when I'm not genuinely called pretty, sexy, and gorgeous.

Now I did play soccer hardcore most of my childhood and adolescent years, and I also did musicals. I also went hiking multiple times a week when I was a goth kid. So I indeed was moving around quite bit, but I was always still fat then too. I ate a lot. I hate all my feelings instead of stating them, and that became my thing and how I coped alone in my room. Just like how a lot of skinny girls (and guys, because yes men can have eating disorders too) sat alone in their rooms coping by not eating.

I'm happy to be a pretty girl, but it's not me being overweight that makes me pretty. Just like how a girl who is underweight's lack of healthy fat doesn't make her pretty. People at either extreme of what's considered a healthy weight range for them aren't doing it on purpose. I didn't wake up as a kid and think "I bet I'd look friggin hot as a fatty!" Just like how no girl that's underweight woke up one day and proclaimed "Not eating is hot! Bingeing and throwing up will make me sexy!" Just like how gays can't choose to be gay, we didn't choose to wreck our bodies. Unlike gays being born gay as healthy people, We are mentally unhealthy and have eating disorders. Mentally we are sick and that drives our unhealthily feeding habits.

(*For those of you keep score, I did just say gays don't choose to be gay they're born gay. I also said being gay is not a mental disorder and it's healthy. Being yourself is healthy. I'm pro gay rights and pro gay marriage, Or as it should be called human rights and human marriage.")

If you ask an anorexic or bulimic how they feel, they'll tell you they feel like nothing. That they feel worthless and just want to disappear since no one notices them. Now ask me how I feel as a girl who can't stop eating. I'll tell you that I feel worthless too. That no one can see me, and I'd do anything for someone to notice me. We both control our diets because we feel worthless. But she wants to be thin and disappear, and I want to be solid and to be heard. I know it's crazy how with psychology we can see how our feelings manifest into literal actions.

I hate it when I hear fat girls use the phrase "skinny bitches". It makes me want to say hey those "bitches" have an eating disorder just like how you do when you eat your feelings instead of stating them. Pointing out someone who is fat or making jokes about someone who is too skinny isn't cool. It's cruel and it's mean. It's a real jerk move to make fun of someone's body. No one wants to be fat or obese and no one wants to be a dizzy skeleton. Eating disorders are real, Be accepting and understanding of all types of people.

Now I will admit I have always wanted to be one of those "skinny bitches", but honestly it has very little to do with my body's health. It has everything to do with my mental health and being Korean. It really sucks not being able to order one size clothing from Korea. It sucks to have other Asians see my large body and see their faces go from normal to "holy shit!" It hurts to literally not physically fit in with my own people.

I make excuses all the time as to why I'm the only fat Asian girl. I say things like it's how the American diet has effected my eastern body, Or that my weight just fluxes all the time no worries. But if you knew me at all you'd notice I hardly eat around people and you'd wonder when the hell do I eat. If you had class with me last semester you'd have heard my stomach begging for food all hour. If you messaged me on my breaks you'd have heard the menu of what actually sat untouched in my lunchbox most days.

If you knew me really well you'd know I've lost inches since December because I'm so stressed I forget to eat all day, and when I realize it at night I give up and go to bed. If you knew me really well you'd know that when I go work out and run off my stress I push myself till I basically black out and my friend Drew has to help me to his car and into bed.

If you were my very best friend, You wouldn't know that I've been scared all year because these habits are getting worse. If you were my best friend you wouldn't know I'm afraid I'm crossing over to the other side of the eating disorder spectrum. Just like from being gothic and welcoming guys with Asian fetishes, To wearing only chic labels and being freaked out by Asian fetishes.. I'm going from one extreme to the other.

If you were my closest friend.. You wouldn't know I've started to count everything I eat. I just want to disappear now too.

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

It's Been A Year.

Hello Readers. It's been one year since I started this blog! Can you believe it? I started this journey with you a year ago and we're no where near done yet, but we've accomplished so much. I started my search and received two big pieces of heartbreaking news, and survived it. My search has been closed and I've opened the chapter of bringing it to the media.

This year has brought so many ups and downs, but it's been amazing. I am so glad I've been able to share it all with you. I've had a million new fights with my adoptive family. My dad hates all of this because it hurts him as a parent to not be enough for me. My sister and I haven't talked most of the year and dislike each other for being ourselves. My mom and I haven't gotten closer, but we talk about so much more now. More than I ever thought we could, Although we fight just as much.

The circle of people I surround myself with from the beginning of this has changed as well. I've lost friends, I've made new ones, I've been on a lot of dates, and have met a lot of wonderful people. I've been seeing old friends more often, and making a lot of fantastic connections in the Asian-American and adoptee communities. I've also been making a lot more nerdy, geeky, and underground connections. The kind I had when I was younger. I really missed that world.

My whole daily life has changed as well. I run a lot more, hike every week, and work on climbing and camping. I've been kicking ass in soccer, and plan to keep going till I'm back on the same level I was when I quit as a teen. I've been doing the most intimate sketching and work of my life. I hope to start them all into large pieces soon for a personal collection. I'm looking for places to host them when they're done in a few months. I cook Korean food half of the week as well. It's crazy to think a week with out good kimchi isn't normal for me now.

A lot of things have happend this past year. Most of it wouldn't have happend without your support, and none of this would mean as much without your support. Thank you all so so much for being with me all year. It's been crazy, heartbreaking, and full of incredible growth. Your emails mean the world to me. Hearing your thoughts, receiving your support, and being able to help you is such an honor. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Monday, 10 September 2012

World Suicide Awareness Day.

Hello Readers. Today is World Suicide Awareness Day. Everyone's life has been touched by depression and suicide. Weather a friend or family member has been lost to their own hands or we know someone with depression all of our lives have been touched by this. So touched in fact I think it's safe to say we've all had these thoughts of "What if I killed myself", "No one cares about me", or "I wish I was dead". It's deeply saddening and very humbling that this really is relatable for all of us,That going through some sort of depression is human.

I've shared before that I've had sever depression since I was a child. Even as a 3 year old I knew I wasn't happy like everyone else. It wasn't until 4th grade that I learned what depression and suicide was and realized that's what I had. Now I am getting help and have been going to therapy for a couple of years. I'm still depressed and sometimes suicidal thoughts spike up in my mind, but getting help does help and it does work. I promise you will not regret it. It might take a few times to find the right therapist or counselor for you, but when you do it is so worth the effort in sharing your thoughts and feelings.

I still feel hopeless, and some days I can barely get out of bed. Other days I wake up and feel perfect like a burst of fresh air and sunshine. But most days I wake up and it's hard to get ready for the day, and to keep my focus. Sometimes I look outside and the sky is this perfect smooth grey cloud, it's bright and flawless, and I think "Today is the day. Today feels right." But then I still wake up the next morning.

It seems crazy to have these constant dark thoughts, and even nuttier to not just do it when it hurts so badly.. But when I think about all the teens and adoptees I help everyday I just can't. I can't leave them behind, I can't let them sink back into themselves and not get help. They need to be heard, You deserve to be heard. And I will always always be hear to tell you that and encourage you to speak up. It's a burden to live with my thoughts everyday, but I can't even imagine how disappointed with myself I'd be if I ever left leave all the people I do help and could help behind.

I've lost so many close friends to their own hands and I miss them dearly. Wonderfully loving and talented people. Artists, singers, writers, musicians, athletes, actors, and all sorts of other amazing gifts have been lost because they couldn't bare living anymore. I refuse to let their deaths be silenced because their lives do matter. Maybe they didn't believe that at the time, But I do!

If you suspect of or know a friend is in a dark place, Please please reach out to them or tell an adult. It's better to have them mad at you for spilling, than live without them knowing you could have gotten them help. If you're still with us, if you're still holding on please know that you are important and that you do matter. If you yourself is in a dark place please tell someone, please share with someone. It helps so much to talk about it. Make a secret blog or tumbler

Maybe you're a close friend of mine or maybe we're total strangers, but I can say with complete confidence that I love you. You are my fellow human being, and I respect and value your life no matter what you've done in your life. Love is love is love.

Saturday, 1 September 2012

Life, Dating, & Exhaustion.

Hello Readers. Last night I was up really late again, and by "up really late" I mean I'm still up at 9:18. Made a baked egg over arugula and brown rice around 5am, went for a long run, and showered. This has been my life lately. No sleep at all, but I'm getting a lot of work done, a lot of hiking in, and doing a swell job of not kicking ass at soccer. What can I say to my teammates? I used to kick ass as a kid? Sorry I'm not as good now days? Honestly I've just been in a fog.

I've been going out when friends call and say they're taking me out to make me feel better. I've been going on dates and just meeting a lot of new people. I've been spending a lot of time hiking/climbing with my beefed up jock psychology friends. I've been finishing most of my small commission works early. I've been working on my personal art. I've been spending as much time on the field as I can getting my cleats in the groove. I'm completely exhausted. What little time I actually have is when I should be sleeping, But instead I use it to ball my eyes out over this search.

The dating scene is really weird by the way. I keep meeting guys who are vegetarians and vegans. I'm a meat eater, so it's a bit of an awkward dance. But now I make crazy fantastic meatless and vegan dishes. It's weird being one the few hipsters who eat meat and doesn't snob out when something isn't gluten free. I also don't drink a lot of beer. One of the guys I'm seeing asked if I would make and english beer list for his themed party. When I starting laughing and asked why he said I was the most hipster out of his friends. I googled that shit, Ha! Of course I owned up to googling and knowing nothing about beer, and only drinking light fruity micro brews, Ha!

My friends always tell me I'm such a fantastic cook, such a good writer, so creative, so fun, the best kind of weird, incredibly smart, so cute, and so sexually talented. My closest friends especially say all the time I'm going to be the perfect wife for a luck guy one day. It makes me feel like friggin Ted Mosby. Expect Ted is dying to settle down, while I don't want that. I'm actually Robbin, but then my friends treat me like Ted? Robbin just wants to be able to fall for that one wonderful guy, and have her dad be proud of her. It's the six little words she craves, "I am proud of you, Ey." Despite being an artist in baggage claim, Being adorable and smart makes me easy to fall for. But as far as dating goes, Right now I'd rather be Ted Mosby "The Architect" ;D

Dating is also weird because I'm an artist and there for weird. Almost every person I meet is fairly recently out of a major relationship. Everyone who is an artist or writer is like "In my last relationship I was almost engaged", And I'm like me too! So what come first: Baggage needing a creative outlet, or creative expression birthing the baggage?

When I'm done editing this and have edited/posted the blog before this, I'll finally head to bed. Only to get up at 3, shower, and head out to the state fair all night. If you're going to be around there say hi, I'll sign the device you read this from! Just kidding, But it's totally a dream for a stranger come up and say they've read these words. Although I have met some people, who were later we're admitted they knew me through my blog before they met me. By some people I mean like 2, but it was still pretty cool lol.

Goodnight world, See you pricks in a bit! Calling people pricks by the way is my new favorite thing. It's right along up there with calling people prudes. Go try them both! You'll be delighted, Ha!

Nothing Is Fair & Valentine's Day.

*Oh gosh here's some more context! I wrote the following last night, it was a shit tactic night.

*Spoiler Alert! Valentine's Day, The movie. Don't keep reading if out don't want a part of the ending wrecked!*

Hell Readers. I'm flipping channels and ran into the film Valentine's Day. And I'm balling right because in the film there's this mom, and she is in the army flying home for just one night to see her son. She's traveling such a distance and for so long just for one night to spend with him. And I feel like I've been traveling my fucking whole life just to find out if my mother is alive, let a lone a night with her!

And last week some asshole just told me at my gate that my big flight is having a huge delay! In fact the flight is fucking canceled! And my only option is to drive there! How is this fair! How is this fair! All of these fucking bastards around me tell me I'm strong enough to get through this, that it's in my life cards, or that it's all in God's plan! Well I don't even believe in any God or connected universe, But what kind of fucking asshole does this to a person!

Who the hell would let me be taken from my mother, my home, and force me to be something I'm not! I'm not white! I will never be white! Who would make my trip back to her even harder by making me hit all these dead ends!! Why! Who fucking does that! I am so angry, and pissed, and hurt! I'm screaming and nobody is listening!

I know all of my friends read this and no one ever says anything that seems genuine. Everyone says they're sorry, or it made them feel sad for me, But no one ever says that they care. No one ever just says that they care and that's all I want. I honestly just need a hug, that's the one thing anyone could to do make any of this better.

Honestly the most random friend could just show up and give me a hug, and I'd totally start crying. And I know crying freaks people out because there's a huge lack of intimacy in the states, but it's not like I'm an emotional girl crying about my bad hair cut. I'm overly emotional because it feels like my mother has been dead my whole life.

*Here's more spoiling*

And the worst part is there's no one here for me during all of this. There's no super awesome guy who see's I'm in a jam to get home on time, and tells me to take his car and driver so that I can be there. And I just wish there was a way to make this easier. I'd do anything to be home on time.

I just need to go home and I have no way of getting there.

Friday, 31 August 2012

Art Keeps Us Together.

Hello Readers. If you would have told me 4 years ago that I wouldn't be engaged at 22 because I'd be single at 21, I'd think you were crazy. So here I am in crazy. I actually really do enjoy being single, it's amazing how much more time I have to be with friends, try fun new things, and most importantly to work on art.

The one thing in art that just breaks my heart is how much I miss charcoal. For those of you who don't know me, Charcoal is what got me into a ridiculous amount of art schools. It's why they all send me big bulbous packets each semester, But I never go.

I worked with charcoal from 7th grade through my first year of college. After I left art school, I just couldn't do it anymore. Even though it was my art home and first fine art love. It's what made the fine arts fit so perfectly for me. It was a specially made soft-nude lamb skin glove, with a bow on top of the wrist. I've tried to work with it, but it never turns out. It's a dance I used to be so fawned of, but now I know all the wrong steps.

This morning I was watching my absolute favorite design show Flipping Out, and being a girl looking up Martha Stewart Weddings. There's one art inspired cake that I've been in love with for years. It's inspired by "The Basket of Apples," by Paul Cezanne, circa 1893. French Post-Impressionism is what I used to look at, study, and admire for hours on end back in my art days. It's how the soft thick angular contour lines flowed through the whole picture that were so dear to me. My work felt like the more stylistic cousin of it.

A friend was over and started asking me all sorts of questions about my old work. How I felt when I made it, how the charcoal made me feel, and what was my life like now that it's gone. I gave this crazy big deep speech, that made them cry to see how happy I was speaking of an old familiar love. It went something like this.

Viewing "The Basket of Apples," by Paul Cezanne.. It reminded me why I loved charcoal so much, and how I felt about it. I used realistic and stylistic contour lines, but the shading was this soft grey velvet against these almost soft onyx lines. Like walking up the path in the middle of a European winter, The house is old with wood finishings. The deep wood is full of soft rich nooks, and crannies, and marks. The marks full of love, romance, and loneliness. The most beautiful long love you will ever whiteness. You walk in and are suddenly wrapped up in a big lush, thick woven, cream wool blanket. You're completely covered and enveloped by warmth.

Like an old European couple walking into town on a clear winter day. The snow sweetly softly crunching under their feet, all bundle up and warm. Still holding hands, Telling stories to each other, and sharing the oldest of loves together. She still wears pumps and the same soft-nude pink lip color from their first kiss as teen lovers, and their wedding day. He shines his shoes every day for her and still wears the silk navy tie she got him on their first wedding anniversary. The one when he couldn't afford to get her a gift, but on his way hone from work he picked a white chrysanthemum. Which has been her favorite flower ever since. She still cooks an egg in a basket to share in the morning, and he gets their wool coats pressed every week. They're love as deep and as rich as the 2 hundred year old wood that holds their home together. The saddest deepest love, only having a few years left to last. Both afraid the other will go first; Both hoping to go together. As they reach the door of the shoppe, just as the cold is about to sink into their bones, he turns her around and they share the most tragically romantic kiss..

This is the emotion I get from French Post-Impressionism, This is how charcoal used to make me feel. This deep tragic and lonely sense if truly being home, belonging somewhere warm and inviting. Being reminded of it this morning has made today a little less hard. It's less hard because it's a reminder that I must have gotten my love of art from somewhere deeper than exposer to it as a kid. I'm happy to still have these sweetly sad romantic emotions in art, it makes me feel close to my birth family.

I cried all day, and all night, but at least my heart wasn't alone. I love my birth family so truly much. I love knowing art connects me to them on the other side of the world.