Wednesday, 28 January 2015

The Double D Cycle.

Hello Readers. As much as I boast and do love being single, most of you know that I've been in somewhat of a relationship for the past couple years. Rocky, on and off, physically abusive, deeply meaningful.. And with the little appeal it has, I haven't been able to completely walk away before. Let's start from the beginning 2 years ago at CONvergence 2012.

It was my first of many many conventions, and I had an online date set up. I was on the porch to meet the guy, when Double D walked up. I felt so bad that I let him talk, until I really had to cut him off and meet my date. Double D directed me to the other porch where my date was waiting. Call it destiny, the red string's pull, but I ended up being at the right place at the right time. Like "My Sassy Girl" I had met a man from the future.

We talked once or twice that weekend, Facebook adds, and gave him my number. For the next 3 months he would call or text asking me to coffee, to party with his friends, or to just talk. I finally caved, and thus started a friendship. From the first night we met up we both felt something there, special even. I had just gotten out of a 3 year long abusive relationship. I did not want another boyfriend. I wanted to work on myself. But Double D didn't really respect that..

After we both finally admitted to having feelings, he'd always tell me how wrong I was. That he wanted one special girl to make him happy again, and that I could grow in a relationship. Eventually we got to a point where we'd kiss when no one was looking, he'd always come home to my bed, but we were not together. We could do whatever, screw whoever, be open that we liked each other, but have zero obligation to one another. I told him a million times it couldn't go on forever..

When I turned 22 I took pictures of us in the car. I went to delete the bad ones and saw a photo I hadn't taken. In the shot I was asleep laying on my tummy. He had pulled down my blanket, pulled up my sleeping shirt, to reveal my lace panties.. He took a nonconsentual nude photo of me! I deleted it, along with all photos of me. I spent the rest of my birthday silently freaking out over how a friend that I deeply trusted had sexually violated me. Like everything else, we got passed it.

**We ended up hitting points where he couldn't handle his shit, freak out, and hide from everyone for months.
***We hit points where he'd straight up tell me how worthless I am to other guys. That no one, but him found me attractive or gave a shit about me. That all other guys only used me for sex.
****We got to a point where he sexually assaulted me every time I saw him.
*****We got to a point where he was screaming, and smacking me across the face.

While he was hitting me, I just took it. I tried to hold his hands and ask why he was doing this. That violence was not telling me anything, he needed to use words. #IAmNotAVictim #YesAllWoman He finally calmed down, and I just laid back and cried. I got up, washed me face, and we talked. A couple days later I told him that I couldn't trust him, he broke every bit of trust, and if he didn't get help we were done. He flipped out about how hitting me was him sticking up for himself. Then radio silence for another month.

In true fashion to us I always I'd show up to him sleeping all day in bed, or he'd call at 2am wasted. Things would go back to "normal", until one of us was upset, he'd flip out, and he'd leave me again. He's always leaving me, punishing me.

Flash to this past summer at CONvergence 2014. He's yelling and pushing me away. It was so deviating.. I could feel my chest bursting as I sobbed for him to stop being mean, to "Please please stop acting like this! You've never spoken to me like this before! Please just stop and talk to me!"

He literally left me in the street.
On the ground.
Begging for him.

I was screaming and crying for him to stop, while he pushed me away shouting, "We don't end up together! This never felt right! Stop, I'm done with this! I'm done with using you, I'm not leading you on anymore! You don't mean anything to me!" I haven't been subject to something so publicly humiliating since the shit my adoptive mom used to yell at me.

(Anyone catching the symmetry? I date men that treat me the way my adoptive parents do!)

For a couple months I was truly free. He was done with me, and I got over it. My heart stopped aching for him, and I worked on me. I started dating nice men, kind men.. Men who took me on dates because they wanted a real conversation with me. Although I couldn't love them, my heart was glowing.

Then Double D called me. I came running, tripped on my love for him, and fell back into the hole. Now he's hiding again.. He refuses to get help with his addictions, and I'm still not well enough to not need abuse.

This story never seems to end, I'm not sure what I'd do if it did.


The Second Rape.

Hello Readers. My birthmother had her human rights violated. She was raped. And then second raped by how her social culture and government handles single mothers and victims of sex crimes.. I know how it feels.

When I think about every boy and man that sexually assaulted me, sodomized me, molested me, raped me.. I think about how my mother must have felt. I was able to keep it a "secret" most of my life, even though it was happening every week by multiple offenders, for years. She had it happen once, but 3 months later there was so way of keeping it a secret. I was inside her, further violating her.

She was raped and got outed, betrayed by her body and by her daughter. I outed myself to give other woman a stronger voice. To tell Asian woman that it's ok to speak out against the sexual violence our race faces more than any other race.

But lately.. Speaking out has started to isolate me.

I'm pretty open with everyone that I have a lot of casual sex. Sex isn't a big deal to me, and I'm not a relationship person. Any emotional value I would have being that close someone was raped away from me. I enjoy sex in a free and open manner. It gives me back my sexual power; Power that was stolen when I was a little girl.

When I say yes, it means yes.
When I say stop, it stops.
I think that's a pretty damn awesome power to have for a change!

The week of National Human Rights Day, a KAD posted in a singles Facebook group about sex being just sex vs making love. Since this was a group of people that know what happened to me as a kid, and how I was raped and groomed to what my sexuality is now.. People that told me I was "brave to share"... I was completely free in answering sex vs making love.

For me sex is just an action. Regardless of my feelings or lack of feelings towards the guy, it's only an action for me. I psychologically cannot feel emotional during sex. Plus I don't want to feel "emotionally vulnerable" in order to have sex with someone. I'd be super freaked out if I ever felt "vulnerable" during sex, emotional or otherwise. I NEVER want to feel vulnerable at the hands of someone EVER AGAIN. I closed with stating I'm more of a "hit it and quit it" kind of person.

(FYI: Consentual and casual sex between strangers is perfectly acceptable)

Then another KAD said something that in this day and age, I find to be unthinkable. They deemed my sexuality "unacceptable" and something they would "not tolerate" of a man and especially of a woman. This KAD thought it was perfectly ok to violate my human rights to sexual tolerance, sexual freedom, and human dignity. They dehumanized me by stating my lifestyle had less value than of another human's, especially of another woman's life. A statement that's not only anti-human, but also uber genderist.


I live in MN. We are the loudest state for gay rights. But apparently some of us don't understand that gay rights aren't just for gays. It's sexual tolerance and sexual freedom FOR EVERYONE. I know if I were gay and this KAD had deemed my sexuality "unacceptable", people would be flipping a shit. But because I'm a straight woman, it's still ok for someone to violate my human rights by slut shaming me. Fantastic!

What's worse is that I have to further explain what my sexuality is, and where it comes from. So I'm constantly defending myself as a rape victim, in order to explain how my sexuality came to be. VS no one chooses their sexuality and it's a human right to not be punished for their sexual lifestyle. This kind of social humiliation, degration, slut shaming, and victim blaming is known was "the second rape". 

The Second Rape is a term by psychologists, sociologists, and law enforcement to account the negative social backlash sex victims face after they speak out. This includes the countless time they're made to retell the event, answering questions about their personal sex lives, being slut shamed, facing supporters of their rapist, and victim blaming. Unfortunately as long as someone knows about the offensive, as long as I keep speaking out.. The second rape never ends..

It's like being a recovering addict; you are ALWAYS recovering.

Also, yes I did report this incident to the Facebook group owner/admin. "...thank you for being so open. Unfortunately openness often means also getting hurt in today's world of social media." Basically another KAD thinking it's cool to second rape me, is just a byproduct of using the internet. This a closed group, only for KADs, to talk about all aspects of relationships, in an open and safe environment, where we'll actually just slut shame you. Awesome.

I have never regretted speaking out, I still don't. But I honestly didn't think a fellow KAD would be so excited about second raping me. You'd think after seeing a group of people almost every week for an entire year, that at some point you'd just be apart of the group. At the very least there would be KAD to KAD respect that adoption was hard for everyone in different ways. You'd think there'd be some KAD understanding as to what it sexually means to be an Asian woman in a white man's world.

But instead I'm getting messages stating I'm being "overly sensitive", or that if I act like a whore *Blank KAD* has every right to call me out on it. The cherry is being told that I'm the one "getting into it" with *Blank KAD*, so while I'm welcomed to events they don't want me to "start drama". It's hard to believe that KADs in their 30s are saying that as a victim I'm behaving poorly. They're labeling me a deviant, while *Blank KAD* is given social grounds to rape me again.

Let's be clear! It's impossible to be "overly sensitive" when your human rights are publicly violated. "Acting like a whore" doesn't give anyone grounds to slut shame you. My reaction to being treated like a non-human IS NOT "drama". 

*** My human rights were violated. I have every right to be upset, to defend myself, and speak up for sex victims who are too scared to speak out for themselves. SLUT SHAMING AND VIOLATING SOMEONE'S SEXUAL RIGHTS ARE NOT OK. Everyone has the right to human dignity. Got it? Good.