Friday, 25 July 2014

Sex Addiction.

Hello Readers. I wrote this post last Saturday, but I've been afraid to upload it. I've wondered what my friends will think. I've worried about possible employers reading this. I'm scared of what my new KAD friends will think of me.. What Double D will think of my new ailment.

Many of you have expressed concern from my last post, so let's start out with: Yes, sex addiction is a real form of negative coping like using drugs, alcohol, or self mutilation. I do agree with my therapist, that lately my sex positive lifestyle hasn't been a 100% positive. For a clear example of this wreckless coping behavior: I was out with KADs last Friday night, and right at 2am I drove myself home. As I made my way back I tried calling Double D. Twice, but his phone was dead..

My heart sunk. I wanted him to answer, or finally have a real voice machine set up.. I wanted to hear his voice. I missed him. And as I drove further in these thoughts of heart ache I have rarely experienced.. I passed a semi truck. It was pulled over with bright orange triangles out. I'm sure the driver was indeed of some emergency sleep, but I thought.. "Right there. There's a man, and I know he would want me. He wouldn't say no. I don't care what he looks like, I just need it hard till my whole body hurts.." That's when my eyes started to well up. That is the exact thoughts of a sex addict.

Instead of a bottle, or pills, or a razor blade.. I find a man. I find high risk sexual behavior. It's scary because I do live a sex-positive lifestyle. Meaning all sex is safe, consensual, and shameless. But lately.. when I have sex it's to cover up the heart ache. To feel something I can deal with vs feeling something I don't know how to deal with. It's escape, and time leaps, and it's as terrifying as being molested.. It's like you're molesting yourself, you're numb.

Thankfully I got a grip and didn't pull over to the truck. Thankfully I cranked up James Blunt's "Goodbye My Lover", and worked on mindfully accepting it's ok to miss someone. It's perfectly acceptable to still be reeling from a loss. When I parked at home, I took a minute to sit in my car and just be sad. I looked up at the bright half moon, and suddenly I started paying attention to my music.

"It's disgusting, how I love you.
God, I hate me. I could kill you.
Cause your messing up my name.
Gotta walk my talk my fame, but I just want to touch your face.
It's disgusting.
It's disgusting, how you changed me.
From a bandit to a baby."

It reminded me how a month ago I told him I wouldn't bring him to a KAD event, because I didn't want them to meet him just for him to disappear. I wish I had told him the bigger reasons.. That he is one of the most important people in my life, and I would love for him to meet my new KAD friends. But I was scared showing him how important he was would scare him off. There's a lot of things I wish I had said, but never did..

I should have helped see his parents off every time they went on a trip. I should have gone to brunch with them when he asked. I should have ask him to come when my adoptive parents wanted him to come to dinner. I should have made him feel as safe with me, as I wanted to feel with him.

Last time I felt anything like this I was 15. My 15 year old boyfriend and I had lost our virginities to each other, then a few weeks later he turned his phone off all weekend. Then he sent a bunch of long texts breaking up with me. To be fair the kid was becoming an alcoholic. Of course Double D is a high functioning alcoholic, so there's that. I've never experienced a break up that I haven't wanted before, and I don't know how to handle it.

I am finally mentally ready to love, to share my happiness with someone. I'm bettering myself in so many ways, but my heart hurts so damn much all the god damn time! My heart hurts so much that it'd rather be used up in meaningless brutal sex, than have to deal with not holding his hand. I wish I understood this kind of heart ache better. 

Right now I feel like my heart is on fire. I am so full of passion and ready to pour it all out for him. I wish I could give him everything I should have said and done and supported him, so he would know how much he mattered. So he would know I loved him. He's been deeper into my heart than anyone.. Now that I've been burned so badly, I'm scared I'll never let someone in that deep again.


I know when I see him next, I'll be as cold as when we first met. I'll deny I loved him. I'll deny him leaving me broke my heart. I'll deny any of it was special. I'll act like none of it was real.. I won't even tell him how much I miss my best friend. I need to protect myself again, and start replacing 2 years of fallen walls.

Ultimately, the new bricks I lay down won't matter. I can deny being heartbroken all I want, but the truth has been stated right here: I am crying my eyes out over a boy, and I am being treated for sex addiction.

I fell so hard for him Readers.. And I don't know how to get back up.


Monday, 14 July 2014

F/23 Single Sexaholic Seeks: A Romantic Gym Partner.

Hello Readers. It's been a long time. I've been pretty emotional, and have had a lot of downs lately. I'm trying really extra hard in therapy, and running 3 miles a day to get healthy. It's perfectly chilly out today, and for me sweater weather is good writing weather. Let's dive in, I've missed you all dearly.

To get it out of the way, I am now romantically and emotionally single, Double D left me last week. After 2 years of me not being ready and asking for space, he's ready to better himself on his own. I know it's psychologically healthiest for him and even for me, but that does not make me stop loving him. He has completely blocked me out.. He wanted outer space, and we all deserve to chase unending stars.

Now for the good stuff.

Therapy is going great! I'm working on more reprocessing therapy to break down the emotional power I allow white men to have over me. When I have an emotional connection to a white male, his thoughts of me matter more than my views of myself. Even if I know he doesn't think of me negatively, and I don't think of me negatively, I still feel it. And it makes me feel like utter shit like fights with my adoptive mom. Probably because me and my adoptive dad don't talk enough to have fights.

Working on this has been a work out for my emotions, especially how I romantically relate to men. Intimacy and romance.. Doesn't absolutely terrify me anymore. I want sunny, warm, happy, giggling romance. And with every hug, kiss, smile, and early morning dash from their bed to my work I want to feel it bubble up and bloom ^_^

Also, my sexcapades of me having sex how men have sex to take back the power that was molested away from me.. Well there's been a recent spike in the amounts of partners I have. My therapist said, "Wow. Ok Morgan, that is a lot of sex. I think we can safely say you're a sex addict." I can totally still have sex, as long as I don't seek it being I'm bored or upset. Really we don't think of it as a big addiction problem. I'm using some thing I normally use to build up my personal power, as a coping behavior. As long has I cope in a mindful way, and build sexual powerful separately, it's fine.

So there's that, ha. *cough cough*

Now that you can see my mental health is fairing well, or at least being delt with healthily. Let's catch up on the birthsearch. This should take 10 seconds. I'm still, waiting for my American case worker to come back from her trip in Korea. She's bringing back my searching letter and photos, I will then update the letter and photos. From there we'll submit the new search. Boring I know, Tada.

Shall we end on some good healthy feels?

This past week I've been running 3 miles everyday, eating much healthier, and just feeling damn great! I'm really motivated and excited to loose 150lb, so I'll be a sweet little 90lb girl. Now I'm Korean, 5'1", and only 23. 90lb is not crazy. In all honesty I probably won't be a 90lb girl, because I do want some muscle and shit. And for those of you struggle to do the math I am currently 240lb.

The combination of working out everyday, eating healthy food, controlled amounts of food, gluten free when possible, lactose free, kimchi everyday, but not depriving myself of the goods.. I am feeling pretty awesome! 

So that's it for this post guys. All in all I'm feeling focused, ready to open the happy, and pretty damn good ^_^. Also, thank you for being so great! I love being candid with you all in my posts, and my emails back to you. If you need anything, have questions, or comments please feel free to contact me on Twitter and Gmail @KangSunLee1991