Hello Readers. It's been a long time. I've been pretty emotional, and have had a lot of downs lately. I'm trying really extra hard in therapy, and running 3 miles a day to get healthy. It's perfectly chilly out today, and for me sweater weather is good writing weather. Let's dive in, I've missed you all dearly.
To get it out of the way, I am now romantically and emotionally single, Double D left me last week. After 2 years of me not being ready and asking for space, he's ready to better himself on his own. I know it's psychologically healthiest for him and even for me, but that does not make me stop loving him. He has completely blocked me out.. He wanted outer space, and we all deserve to chase unending stars.
Now for the good stuff.
Therapy is going great! I'm working on more reprocessing therapy to break down the emotional power I allow white men to have over me. When I have an emotional connection to a white male, his thoughts of me matter more than my views of myself. Even if I know he doesn't think of me negatively, and I don't think of me negatively, I still feel it. And it makes me feel like utter shit like fights with my adoptive mom. Probably because me and my adoptive dad don't talk enough to have fights.
Working on this has been a work out for my emotions, especially how I romantically relate to men. Intimacy and romance.. Doesn't absolutely terrify me anymore. I want sunny, warm, happy, giggling romance. And with every hug, kiss, smile, and early morning dash from their bed to my work I want to feel it bubble up and bloom ^_^
Also, my sexcapades of me having sex how men have sex to take back the power that was molested away from me.. Well there's been a recent spike in the amounts of partners I have. My therapist said, "Wow. Ok Morgan, that is a lot of sex. I think we can safely say you're a sex addict." I can totally still have sex, as long as I don't seek it being I'm bored or upset. Really we don't think of it as a big addiction problem. I'm using some thing I normally use to build up my personal power, as a coping behavior. As long has I cope in a mindful way, and build sexual powerful separately, it's fine.
So there's that, ha. *cough cough*
Now that you can see my mental health is fairing well, or at least being delt with healthily. Let's catch up on the birthsearch. This should take 10 seconds. I'm still, waiting for my American case worker to come back from her trip in Korea. She's bringing back my searching letter and photos, I will then update the letter and photos. From there we'll submit the new search. Boring I know, Tada.
Shall we end on some good healthy feels?
This past week I've been running 3 miles everyday, eating much healthier, and just feeling damn great! I'm really motivated and excited to loose 150lb, so I'll be a sweet little 90lb girl. Now I'm Korean, 5'1", and only 23. 90lb is not crazy. In all honesty I probably won't be a 90lb girl, because I do want some muscle and shit. And for those of you struggle to do the math I am currently 240lb.
The combination of working out everyday, eating healthy food, controlled amounts of food, gluten free when possible, lactose free, kimchi everyday, but not depriving myself of the goods.. I am feeling pretty awesome!
So that's it for this post guys. All in all I'm feeling focused, ready to open the happy, and pretty damn good ^_^. Also, thank you for being so great! I love being candid with you all in my posts, and my emails back to you. If you need anything, have questions, or comments please feel free to contact me on Twitter and Gmail @KangSunLee1991