Saturday, 31 December 2011

Christmas Day.

Hello Readers. I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell happened Christmas Day, And well.. It was beyond weird! I ended up at two Christmases.. TWO!!!

I found myself at Jordan’s Grandparents because I apparently owed I to his family (Dad), Because Jordan missed Church the eve before to help me through my awkward “Family” Christmas dinner with my adoptive parents. So I had the pleasure in dealing with his dad’s silent pissyness towards me from 1:30-6pm, Just lovely. From there we had to go to Jordan’s disconnected aunt’s Christmas. Where nobody talked to me, Although his 15 year old cousin stared at my chest from the moment I walked in till we left. Again, Another a lovely Christmas well spent. On the drive home I not only wanted a drink, I needed one. I just kept focusing on that and the horrible awkwardness of the day and evening vs on myself. This is the first Christmas I didn’t cry in the bathroom, and I still haven’t cried.. Sometimes I feel like I just give up on being accepted into any family. My own adoptive parents can’t accept me and never will. I’m not sure why I bother trying to meld into another family.

Family. It’s an odd word to me. I want it so badly, And yet I’ve never had it. How can you miss and cry over something you’ve never had? How can I miss my birth mother when I don’t even know what she looks like? What’s the point in wasting time and energy in missing and wanting something you’ve gone your whole life without?

To answer all of that I think it’s like how I do my makeup and why I do it that way. A lot of times I add a little sparkling white eye shadow on the inner corners of my eyes.. It makes my eyes look bigger and more open.. Unfortunately like every other girl who does their eyes the same it’s because white American eyes are so much bigger.. So much prettier to white American men.

It makes me feel sick when I think about why I do my makeup the way I do. It makes me sick to think back to when I was 12 and first wanted to get surgery for bigger wider eyes. I used to squish my eye around in the mirror and pull on it to see what I’d look like with rounder, bigger, white American eyes. I wanted something that I was told to be the most beautiful, And what was normal. I love my birth mother because she is a part of me, And I want to know me. But I miss her because I grew being told a mother was all these things I never had in my adoptive mom, All sorts of things I missed out on not having my real mother.

This Christmas instead of missing my real family, I got to observe family and it made me feel sick about everything I grew up with and wanting.

어머니 저는 아름다운 한국어 욕탕 나는 모습 한국어 사랑 해요. 저는 자랑스럽게 생각합니다.

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Christmas Eve.

Hello Readers. I’ve been trying to write this holiday blog for a good month now, Just getting all my feelings and thoughts out. Each attempted ended up being this frantic anger filled rant, coated in deep seeded sadness, rolled in bitterness. That is not the kind of truffle I want to serve you guys; Swallowing that helps no one. So here goes..

For the past few years I’ve been saying I want to spend Christmas alone, No family gathers of mine or of my close friends. Of course for the past couple years I’ve ended up going to Jordan’s anyways, But this year is very different. This year I have so much hope in finding my own family that celebrating anything seems wrong without them. Plus why bother celebrate with people who don’t know me at all? I’m just going to take extra-long trips to the bathroom to cry behind a door all dolled up in my nice clothes. I’d rather get dressed how I normally do, And cry in my own bathroom… Or in front of the TV watching families come together at the end of the film, And all the same race couples fall in love as the snow falls around them like a magical Christmas blessing.

I know that all seems like a pretty harsh view of the holidays, But I’ve always felt this way. Like the rest of my childhood I have no happy memories of the holidays. Sure I had a ridiculous amount of presents compared to most of my friends, And my stocking was always over flooding onto the floor. As cheesy as it sounds gifts aren’t happiness. Regardless of your age family and love is what makes a person happy. Knowing who you are and that you friends and family know who you are inside is what makes a person whole. I have never been truly happy, And I am not a whole person.

This year I had really planned to be completely alone, And normally my adoptive parents have other plans with family elsewhere. Unfortunately for me they’re staying home, and doing something tomorrow. So I’ve been stuck in the kitchen since 10am because my adoptive mom wants a “family Christmas dinner”. Honestly it makes me want to puke in my mouth a little, And gives me the creeps. Since they’ll be gone tomorrow though, I’ll get to be alone in then. I can cry in piece, And not behind a bathroom door.

I really hope I don’t cave and go to Jordan’s Christmas tomorrow, I’m actually afraid I will. My need for family always gets me in the end, But hopefully this year I can stay strong and stay away from it.. I think why I try and stay so strong about family is because there is a chance I won’t find my family in Korea.. There is a chance no one will want contact.. There is a chance my birth mother could already be dead. I need to be strong because if those small chances are my reality then hopefully after it breaks me I can pick up a few pieces.

Other than holiday thoughts there is one other thing I wanted to share with you. I know I open each blog with “Hello Readers”, What most of you don’t know is that you aren’t just my readers. Many of you I knew before this blog you are my best friends in the world, you are my newly wedded adoptive sister, you are my campers and teens at Korean Culture Camp, And you are all so dear and close to me. Many of my readers that I didn’t know before this blog have e-mailed me, found me on Facebook or Twitter, And are now my good friends connected by adoption. I want to say thank you. Thank you all for not just reading, But for contacting me and becoming my friend. Thank you all for your support and true understanding. Thank you for your concerns and honest questions. Thank you for being there for me during all of this, My long life adoption journey.

I love you guys so much, And wish you all the best in the pending New Year. I am so lucky our paths have crossed in so many different ways, Thank you for being my friends.

해피 크리스마스 어머니! 저는 여러분 모두가 너무 사랑, 그리고 전 당신의 행사는 따뜻하고 바랍니다. 나는 또한 어떤 심장 통증에서 혼자가 아니라는 그래서, 누군가가 외에 당신이 날 그리워 바랍니다. 내 모든 사랑을 보내기 ... 당신 딸 강.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Letter To Foster Mother (My Second Mother)

Dear Mother:

Hello, I am your foster daughter. You gave me my birth name Kang Sun Lee, And now my adoptive and American name is Morgan Claire Pearson. I am searching for you and writing to you so you know that I am alive and doing well. When I was younger I didn’t know much about the foster care I received as a baby. Now that I am older I understand. You raised me the first months of my life, And you are my second mother.
I want you to thank you for being my mother after I lost my birth mother. I want you to know that I love you like a mother and I also care deeply for my foster father and foster brother. After leaving you all I grew up in a good finically stable home. I went to good schools and am attending college. Even though I have no memories of Korea, I miss it because it is my home.

I am currently 20, And turning 21 on February 24th. I have dark brown eyes, And dark brown hair. I have worn glasses since I was 9 years old. My hair is soo long it reaches half way down my back. I am 154cm in height and I weigh 91kg. As you can see in the pictures I have a few dark freckles on my cheek and nose, And my eyebrows are very spaced out. The freckles developed as I got older, But I do still have one Mongolian spot that didn’t disappear. I normally wear pants and an oversized long tank top and a nice sweater over it. I love to wear headbands and long necklaces. What’s interesting about my clothes is that I love to shop at Forever21, And I recently found out that it’s a Korean based store.

I have many different interests in life. I love to go to parks to run and to picnic. I especially love parks around lakes and with water fountains because I love the sound of water so much. I’ve tried making many Korean dishes like bulgogi, duk bok ki, mandu, sujebi, hoddeok, lots of egg side dishes, And kimchi. My bulgogi and kimchi are surprisingly very good, While my duk bok ki and sujebi turn out very badly. I always manage to overcook both! My best Korean dish is my mandu, It is very juicy and crispy! One of my greatest passions is art. No one in my adoptive family is very artistic. I always thought my gift in art was from my birth parents or perhaps influence from you. The other big passion in my life is working with kids specifically Korean adoptees. I volunteer at Korean Culture Camp each summer; It’s always a highlight of each year. I am a good friend, role model, and older sister to many of the campers.

I had a very good education growing up and am still attending to my education now. I went to elementary school, high school and am currently going to college. My first year of college I went to a private visual art school as a Fine Art major. I realized that my love of working with Korean adoptees surpassed my love of art. After one year of art school I transferred to a regular college. I am currently majoring in Sociology with a specialty in Asian-American Social Culture. I am currently writing a book on my personal views and experiences of international adoption. After college I am moving to Korea and teaching English for two years. I want to learn about and live in the culture; I want to be a part of the traditions I never got to experience. I currently only know a handful of Korean words, But I am trying so hard to learn so if we meet one day I can speak with you.

I am a very outgoing and strong girl; I have always been an extrovert. I love to try new things and go to new places. Since I was adopted, I have never gone back to Korea. I have yet to come home to Korea. I am very excited to locate you and meet you. You are my second mother, father, and brother. I want to know about your lives, And hear about my baby time with you.

In parting with this letter I send you my heart, In hopes you will know how dear to me you are. I love you all very much. I have no memories of you, But I hope you can share your memories of me, And we can make new memories together. I hope that you will write back, And I wish on every star that we will meet in the future..

One of your many children,

Searching For Foster Family.

Hello Readers. In my last post I filled you in on my meeting with Kabin, Now I would like to tell you more. She told me some adoptees only search for their foster mother and not their birth parents. Growing up I only knew what American foster care was like, Always bouncing around from home to home, And overall not a good experience. As I got older in high school I had a better understanding of Korean foster care, One family raises you until you are adopted and are sent to live with your adoptive family. But when I talked to Kabin I realized that it’s so much more than a middle man. My foster mother and father, And even brother were my second family. They raised me for the first months of my life. They stepped in for me when my birth mother couldn't. They were there for me when I lost my birth mother, And for that I thank them, For that I love them.

These feelings started welling up when talking to Kabin, And suddenly I was starting the search for my foster mother. Suddenly I was writing her a letter, And it was all just so fast and surreal. I can’t believe I have more chances for a family than I had ever realized before, and I couldn’t be more thankful. I thought the social worker who protected me as a baby, And still kept my original information was my gift this year, And now I find myself with two gifts. This is sooo truly amazing.

I just finished writing my letter to my foster mother and family and will be posting it right after this. I'm also dropping ti off along with pictures for Kabin to send out today!! I read it through one last time, And I started crying again. This woman is my second mother; She loved me and raised me the first months of my life. Foster mothers in Korea remember all of their babies even when they’ve fostered 30 or 50! They remember little things about each baby like their personality. She has real and full memories of me!! Other than my birth mother, There is no one else that can tell me about my life in Korea!! No one else can tell me about my home, But them!!

I even have a foster father and brother. My second mother is about 52-53, I do not know the age of my second father, And my second brother is about 30-31. Can you believe this? I have a second mother, father, and brother!!

Few things could make me happier right now.

어머니!? 엄마, 내 수양 엄마를 아시나요? 그녀는 친구 였나요? 내가 처음 그녀를 만난다면 난 당신이 사진이 내게 너무나 수단으로 그녀가 당신에 대해 작은 것을 말합니다 서로 안다면 바랍니다. 나는 또한 그녀에 대해 배우고 싶다면, 그녀의 가족, 제 가족. 널 사랑하는 어머니, 그리고 저는 바로 지금 세상의 모든 희망을 가지고.

Monday, 19 December 2011

New Information.

Hello Readers. Unlike my past blog this isn’t just flowing out of me.. It’s hard for that to happen because I’m not sure what to think, And I’m trying hard not to let anything sink in too deep.

When I met with Kabin Jordan drove me, And was also in the room when I received the news. I took it strong, Very strong. I did not cry, And I did not hold onto Jordan’s hand. First Kabin showed me a picture of me as a baby and the part of my file that talks about who my mother is. I have seen both before, But it was really comforting to go through that piece first. In my American file it tells of how my birth mother and father and broken up and then she found out she was pregnant and never told him. My Korean file tells a different story.

The statement from my mother says she was sleeping over at a friend’s place, And two male burglars broke in. She was raped.

In all of my research of adoptees searching I have only heard one story where that had been the reason and she learned it straight form her birth mother’s mouth.. But somehow not sleeping the whole night and all that morning I was thinking it would be bad or good news. Good just being a random fact that could help us locate her, or narrow in on her identity more. I guess bad was that she had already passed away but they didn’t have a date or cause of death.. But no, The news was rape.

Kabin asked me how I felt and what I was thinking.. And all I could squeeze out was what I just told you some facts. I was sitting so tight with my back arched so hard that my spine was tingling and going numb. I couldn’t feel my arms or legs like they had disappeared, I couldn’t move. My head started to hurt and I was getting dizzy fast, The room was oscillating and shaking at the same time. Then Kabin said some that broke my body’s own spell. She said that from cases she’s worked 9 out of 10 times when someone if located the sexual assault turns out to be not true. At the time of my adoption they didn’t check the birth mother’s stories or her true identity. They were soo loose on this because they never thought the babies would come back home. So the agency’s only goal was to find homes for babies, And nothing post adoption. Up until a few years after my adoption did Korea face the reality that many of their babies were coming home looking for answers. Kabin told me that because of society it was better to claim rape than admit to having consensual sex with a boyfriend and being a single mom because of it.

Basically the rape story my mother told could be true or not, But I don’t know until someone is located that can confirm or deny these claims. So I guess I’m rolling with the punches for now because I don’t know what they mean yet. Kabin also said my mother’s name might not be Joo Sook Lee. Many times a mother would give out a name and information of a family member or close friend so that if there was the off chance of any updates on their baby it would come from a friend, Like an emotional news buffer.

I’ve been talking to many adopted friends about this most of whom I’ve met online via Facebook, And this blog via my e-mail (, Please feel free :] ), And am very thank full for meeting. Some of them said they’d be so angry if they found out what seems to be like such a serious difference between my American and Korean files. But weather the rape story is true or not, My mother was only trying to protect herself from society and her family and friends. Whoever the social worker was that changed the story for my American file, While I don’t appreciate it being tampered with.. Thank you. Thank you for trying to protect me, Thank you for trying to keep my new future elsewhere pure, And thank you for trying to help me look forward instead of back. Thank you so much for respecting my life and heart enough to not change the story in my Korean file. Thank you so much for protecting me in a world where I thought only I could protect my heart.

If I don’t find my family in time for the holidays, If I don’t get my Christmas wish.. This one act by this unknown social worker will be my gift this year. One of the best presents I have ever received, And something I am truly deeply thankful for. Thank you so much from every piece of my heart.

Now I have a couple other things I want to talk about, But I think I will break them up into another blog. I will probably write it tonight or tomorrow. I’m actually writing this on the 17th at 3:30am, But I’m at a hotel. So paying $10 bucks a day for internet when I just won’t have the net for 2 days isn’t a big deal. Also I’m at the hotel for my sister’s wedding!! So other than not having the net, That’s really why this won’t be posted still I get home Sunday.

당신이 강간한 것인지 모르겠지만, 그리고 내가 아는 어머니는 네 인생이 조금 더 쉽게, 그리고 좀 더 쉽게 나를 포기하기 위해 이야기를 필요로 할 수도 있습니다. 언젠가 진실을 알고 싶어, 당신은 바로 말하지 않아도,하지만 언젠가는 잘 할 필요는 없어. 무슨 과거 않았거나 결과가 지금 문제, 당신 엄마가 아니 사랑 해요. 난 당신을 사랑 해요.

Monday, 12 December 2011

The Korean Agency Has Contacted Back.

Hello Readers! I was out with Jordan tonight to pick up some last minute things he needs for my sister’s wedding. (Yup, He’s my date. We’re going to swing dance during cocktail hour, Lol!) We’re at H&M and I’m trying to get him to see the handsome nerdyness of suspenders when my phone goes off. I take it out of my bag, And the ID says “Children’s Home Society”… Now my social worker Kabin has only called me a couple other times, And I knew those were coming because I had messaged her. I hadn’t messaged her! My heart is skipping beat after beat as I flip open my phone.. Kabin asked what I was doing, And I said shopping for my sister’s wedding, And I’m happy to hear form her. I say all of this in my weird “I’m talking to Kabin” state of shock and scared she might have the worst news of my life.

She says the Korean agency, Eastern Child Welfare Society, Has contacted her and she has new information on my birth mother. I grabbed Jordan’s hand because in the back of my mind I’m still aware I’m in a store at Mall of America, And I am not going to cry in public. Kabin repeats herself because I’m in shock, And asks when I can meet her so she can tell me.

So now I’m meeting her tomorrow at 12. She said she can tell me the information she knows, And it’s not a lot, And not to be freaked out right now. She also said we can talk about everything and see what we want to do next and how, And the next step for the search is locating… Locating my family. Oh my god. This means I could get the thing I’ve been wishing for since I was a little girl, I could get everything I have been begging and hoping for my whole life. This is truly amazing, and scary, And I am so over whelmed. Just imagine the one miracle you have always need and wanted to happen in your life, That’s what I’m aiming to make happen for me.

Of course in the back of my mind this could also be bad news, crushing news, news that will break my heart in ways I can’t even believe are possible.. This could be really bad, And of course I’d still push to search for other family, And learn about her through them, And give the love I’ve always planned for them, And all the love I have been saving for her… But on the brighter side of the moon.. I could be getting back all the missing pieces that were taken away from me when I was four months old… And in this case, Every little piece does count and mean more to than every breath I have taken.

어머니 .. 당신에 대한 소식을 알게입니다. 그것이 최근의 경우 있을까, 아니면 그것은 행복 또는 슬픈면. 나는 어떤 문제가 그것이 좋은 것이 얼마나 미미한지를 않습니다 바랍니다. 이 나에게 기쁨이 아닌 고통을 가져다 바랍니다. 이 다시 건너 우리의 삶에 happ 단계입니다 바랍니다. 난 당신이 물 사랑은 떨어져 강과 바다의 사랑이되고 싶어.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Pumpkin's Adoption Story [Part One]

Hello Readers. If you haven’t read my past blogs my cat died a bit ago. His name was Panther and the past year of his life he had been sick on and off, And passed on his own. I haven’t cried over losing him yet because I refuse too. He was the only living thing in this house that somehow new I was in pain, And that I had true reason to constantly be sad. I get close, And my eyes well up to the point the wall of water feels like it’s going to burst, And then I make a fist and choke it down like a giant glug of water. Him knowing in some way or another helped me cope growing up. In truth it kills me he’s not here.

Today me and Jordan were going to Chipotle for lunch, And there were signs all over Burnsville that a rescue called Last Hope was at Pet Co. I met a very sweet black cat with green eyes, Almost 4 months old, Who had the same white markings as Panther. I took Pumpkin home. I spent all day sitting with him; He was so scared of everything. At night he suddenly sprung to life and started really walking around and running up to me, rubbed against me. Not long after he started to have fun he realized his two brothers, sister, and mother weren’t there playing with him. He started looking around everywhere, meowing and crying and calling for them. He wasn’t getting answered. He kept looking back at me so confused and scared. He’s only 4 months old, The same age I was at my adoption.

Now I’m scared as hell that I just did something completely horrible to him, And it’s not like I can afford a second cat! I’m completely freaking out. If I were him I’d hate me, I’d hate me so much and I’d never forgive me for trying to make me be ok with a new home when I know I have family somewhere else. I mean I’m not crazy and don’t think animals are just like humans, And I’d never push him around in a stroller, But biologically they must feel something. They know when their playmates are gone, And when their mother isn’t there. I wonder if I knew I wasn’t in Korea anymore. I wonder if I was freaked out by suddenly being in a sea of white face because I sure as hell am now.

I had to barrow a carrier from the woman who ran the shelter. I’m supposed to drop it off tomorrow. When Pumpkin got brave enough he found the carrier and started climbing on it, Trying to get inside so I unlocked it and he walked in.. Straight to the back and never came out. So now he’s just bunkered in there. Most people would think it’s a familiar smell and object, It’s a transition object, Or a security blanket. I think he knows he has to be in it to get to new places, Like he knows he has to be in it a second time to go home.. I think he thinks getting in it means he’ll get to go home.

I must be pretty fucking messed up if I can’t even adopt a cat. I’ve been saying for the past few years I think some people are just too damaged, And meant to be alone. Every little thing makes me believe that more and more. Every time I tell someone that they’re very sweet and say hey I’m sure people understand, guys would be accepting of it, And blah blah blah. What people aren’t getting is that I’m not saying that for their sympathy! I get that enough from Asian woman looking at me with their said eyes. I say it in hopes that someone else can belive it too, That they see it too. I do truly believe that now! I’ve been to so many funerals of friends and family and not one went peacefully. I have fucking funerals clothes in my closet right now. I’ve changed friends millions of times, because I can’t trust people with the words I’m telling you now and they’d never understand anyways. What’s the point of being an intelligent extrovert when all it ends up doing is isolating me from having the stupid bliss of others? Why be confident and smart when it just means I can’t be friends with normal outgoing people because they won’t understand anything I say, And all my nerdy friends do horrible hanging out all together? Can I not even have any sort of normal companionship like a simple pet?

I don’t know what I’m going to do about Pumpkin.. If he’s better tomorrow I think we’ll be fine, But otherwise.. I can’t keep him here knowing he’s still searching the house for them.

Also one of my 4 best friends called me the other night. He was high all day and drunk when he called. I basically spent a couple hours talking him off a ledge. He said he didn’t know how I kept doing this, And honestly I don’t even know. When did this become normal for me? How seriously messed up am I that any of what I have written is normal for me? None of this should be normal for anyone. Welcome to the life of my adoption.

엄마? 어디있는 거니? 내가 너무 늦으면 내가 당신을 찾거나 수없는 경우 어떻게됩니까? 난 내가 고양이를 입양도되는지 잘 모르겠어요 .. 어떻게 내가 나가있는 가족을 시작 윌리? 나는 태양의 따뜻함, 그리고 물의 시원함보다 당신을 사랑해. 당신은 내 공기하고 내가 들고 숨을 수 없습니다. 내 행복들을 제발, 내 슬픔을 알고 제발, 내 사랑을 주시기 바랍니다, 날 찾아주세요!

Saturday, 3 December 2011

White Washed & Brainwashed.

Hello Readers. Three posts all back to back, Wow.

“These people were wrenched from their homeland, And disappeared into the cold seas of the Atlantic, Forgotten until today… I’d like to present the victims of the Amalia Rose…” Cam on Bones.

For starters by no means am I saying adoption is anything close to the inhumanities of slavery, But right now like back then a whole group of people is being looked over. Adoptees are imported to fill roles we have not signed up for. Growing up it was embedded in my mind that I should be grateful to be adopted into of all countries America. I should be grateful I have white parents, And the white privilege that comes along with it. I should be happy to be attracted to white males because that is the most socially accepted relationship in my Anglo-Saxon community. I should feel fortunate that I know of America and nothing else. According to everyone one I have ever met I should be so happy that adoption “saved my life”.

Please understand I am thankful for financial stability and my education, But I was saved from nothing! I was taken away from my home; The country where my family lived and died! Their bodies are in that soil, Not here! I can’t open my mouth and tell them how much I love them because the language I was made for does not exist in my mind. Almost 21 years of life and all I have ever really known is America. All I ever learned is how to be white. White family, White friends, Only dating white guys, Having half white babies are all things that are considered me bettering myself.

When you say white washed me is a better me, That means Korean me just wasn’t good enough. Being a Korean girl and Korean daughter just wasn’t good enough for America. You had to fix me; I had to be changed to accommodate you. I had to lose my real name because Korean Kang Sun just wasn’t as good as the American Morgan Claire. All I got from growing up is that if I lived white, If I lived American, Than I am almost as good as you. What is the point of submerging me in your culture, And suffocating me until you smother the Korean out? All you do when you’re done is tell me my hair will never be blonde, I will always tan dark in the sun, And my eyes will never be as blue or shaped like yours. I am weird for having hair that will do anything. I am hokum that can’t burn in the sun. I am a complete freak to have almond shaped eyes; I am a total alien to you. What is the point of suffocating me into a lifeless body? To you Korean and Chinese are laughably the same people. But I know that you are all Caucasian and that there is a difference between Norwegian, Swedish, German, And Irish. Still I am just a silly China doll for you to dress up however you want, And throw aside because I am not white enough to play with.

Why does race even matter? Why does race have to matter? Why is race the only thing that matters? I wish I had larger eyes, I wish I had creased eyelids, And I wish I could get the surgery to look western like you. It makes me so sick and discussed that I have been wishing for that since I was 12. You all took turns white washing me.. Now for once look at what you have done!

내 마음이 섬의 세계에서 가장 긴 사슬처럼 생각하는 생각에서 수영이다 .. 어머니 당신은 서양 볼시겠습니까? 좀 더 서쪽되고 싶어요있을 딸과 아들을합니까? 난 흰 빨래부터 세뇌당한 느낌 ... 저는 한국과 아무것도 작성되지 할로윈 바랍니다. 저는 여러분 모두에게 너무나 사랑 해요.

Friday, 2 December 2011

Even A Trip To Ikea.

Hello again, And so soon readers. Today I roamed Ikea with a friend to check out/test out some new furniture, But I ended up wondering what kind of life I could have one day. Maybe I liked the hard lines and sterile environment of a contemporary style because being warm is a danger zone to me. Or maybe I just like the architecture of the angular work with small splashes of organic accents. I questioned myself further than what could or could not happen with my relationships. I wondered if I could find the forgiveness in me to be able to get married, And have a child of my own.. I found myself yet again torn between races and my search for identity running me in twisting circles.

Biologically if I married a Korean guy we’d have 100% Korean babies; The type of child I am most comfortable with. If I married a Caucasian man our child would be mixed, But my genes being dominate they’d look more like me. It’s the struggle of me letting them explore what it means to be a white American. Then again if it was a tall Caucasian fellow they would still be mixed, But would have a higher chance at a “normal” height by American standards. Being short is hard as a kid and in adulthood, But at the same time for many it’s a part of being Korean.

It seems like such a small part of the week to go to Ikea and check out some pieces. For me as an adoptee it flooded my mind of how will I build a family if I can’t find my birth family. It seems almost silly, But it’s the little things that bring up my thoughts of adoption. It’s the Asian couple walking together, And the white toddles staring at my face. It’s the 5 year old Korean adoptee with her white mom looking at me thinking, “She looks like me… I wonder if her parents look like her too”. It’s the Korean woman passing me by giving me that warm loving smile, and saddest eyes swimming in pity. It’s the eight family members at the Asian markets running around all speaking words I was meant to understand, But I can barely say hello. It’s me trying not to cry because I can’t read anything on the damn shelf, And all I want is a tub of fucking red pepper paste!! It’s me getting home and opening the tub to find its shrimp paste!! It’s feeling my hands go numb, Dropping the small green bowl and breaking it on the floor, Because I can’t stop crying for the life of me!!!

Sometimes when I scream it feels like she can hear me, Like my mother knows how upset I am for being so in the dark on who I was supposed to be. If the search doesn’t go through, What will I do? What can I do? How do I start a family of my own when a stupid trip to Ikea puts my mind in pieces, And just seeing the other shoppers makes me want to run and hide.

I think some people are just too damaged to be repaired. Finding my birth family would be a miracle. Growing up in the states has only taught me not to believe miracles can happen; There is no God conducting magic for us. We are all just humans; We only have magic we have was written by J.K. Rowling and she’s from the UK.

매일은 통과 도전 느낌, 그리고 매 순간 당신이 어머니를 생각합니다. 당신이 어디에 있을까, 그리고 열심히있다면 나를 나가있는 가족을 시작하십시오. 나는 깊은 어두운 푸른 바다를 작성 한 방울보다 당신을 사랑해.

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Gobble Gobble.

Hello Readers, Today is the real start of dread for me. The holidays have never been my thing. They promote family, peace, and love, All things I don’t really have inside of me. They’re there, But it’s mostly dormant. Every time I am able to awaken it with hope it gets smothered out by pain and doubt. This year hurts more than ever, But I also have more hope in finding family that I ever had before. I have hope I will find someone from my birth family, And I have hope that they will love me as much as I send almost all my love and wishes to them. If I can’t find them before the holidays have past, I wish all their celebrations leave them well, And I also hope that someone in that crowd house misses me too.

Other than family I have a big problem with American holidays in general. Columbus committed genocide on the Tahoe Indians to "clear" the "new land" he "discovered" for Spain. So of course there’s a national Columbus Day ever though he’s not American, Didn’t discover anything because he was in India, And distastefully “named” the native people Indians. Then the colonists brutally attempted to wipe out the rest of the native population. Other countries like Germany try to move on from the dark history and learn from it. Only in America do people celebrate it and on many days throughout the year. So thank a God that doesn’t exist for Thanksgiving, How else we could celebrate the genocide of a people, culture, and language. It’s something that saddens me so deeply, That most Americans don’t see in their holidays.

How the sadness and pain goes unnoticed by many American I will never understand. It is like how many Americans don’t notice the sadness in adoption. I have been getting “Happy Thanksgiving!!!!” texts all day, not personal just really generic things from people I barely know. Of course a lot of people are sending me “I bet I know what you’re thankful for!” If one more person asks if or tells me I'm thankful to be adopted into the white US I will Stan Marsh this place and burn it down. (*Yes, Total South Park reference, I’m a South Park connoisseur!) Who even says that to a person? What am I supposed to say? What am I expected to say? “You know it! Thank God for my white family adopting me, Being Korean just isn’t good enough!”, Or maybe they expect, “Hell yeah for Americans for buying me! I loved being ripped away from my home, And all the memories I never got to make in the land where I was born!”.

Today is painful for me, Can’t Americans, my peers, my adoptive family understands that? Can’t you see my smudged makeup; Can you not hear my cry. Do you not see the pain poured on my face? Or does my sadness not count because I’m not white, And you couldn’t possibly relate so nothing I feel is real. You spend your Thanksgivings with your family, I spend mine casted in the role of “White American Daughter”, A role I am clearly failing at and should have never been casted to play. The holidays are the worst, This year is the hardest so far, And this year I have more hope than ever.

오늘 가족 휴가의 1의 그리고 내가 여러분 모두와 함께 싶어요. 난 당신이 일 축하 못한다는 것은 알고 있지만, 그러나 가족을 위해 하루. 당신이 겨울 내내 잘 바랍니다, 그리고 누출 죽 많이 먹습니다. 난 당신 모두 바람에 들어갈 수있는만큼 많은 사랑을 보내 매일 밤 공기가 동결되고 별이 크립스랑 때 당신의 안전을 위해 소원과 함께합니다. 당신이 모두를 사랑 해요.

Sunday, 20 November 2011

Thanksgiving Is Coming...

Thanksgiving is this Thursday, Damn. I am just floating between tears, working on art, and all my fears. I think I feel this way because I don’t have family right now, And the holidays always hurt so much. Ever since I was a kid the holidays was a reminder of everyone else being with family, And me find bathrooms doors to lock and cry behind. This year will be the same as every other year except I have hope. Maybe this year for Christmas I could get my family? Maybe the search could just work out, And I could find them, And be with one of them or all of them this year. I really don’t have faith in anything, But please.. This has been my Christmas Wish every year since I was child. I have been waiting 20 years, So please.. Just let me be found, And to go home.

All I want to do is go home for the holidays like everyone else, But every year I unwrap this cold house that gets shoved into my lap. I wonder if my birth mother/father/family feel this way around the holidays. I wonder who in the family knows I am missing from the family get-togethers, From Christmas, And Korean holidays. I wonder if my birth mother hurts more around the holidays when she’s showing her other sons or daughters how she cooks those special family meals.. Because I hurt so much.

I hurt more than I can describe!! I am missing out on how to cut/chop/pour things just right. I am missing out on the smiles and close family times. I am missing out on hugs, And love, And joy, And the happiness in knowing I belong somewhere!! Every day I live without them, I am loosing time in my life I want to spend with them!
Thanksgiving is this Thursday, And the holidays make my everyday aches worse, And my everyday tears hotter. No one in this house can hear my cries. My screams always seem to fall upon deaf ears, Right now it’s the silver bells drowning them out. Drowning me.

당신이 크리스마스 어머니를 위해 뭘 원하는지 궁금해, 난 당신이 날 원한다면 당신이 나를 위해 눈물을 침묵해야하는 경우, 내가 궁금해 궁금해하거나 허락한다면 자신을 전혀 눈물을했습니다. 난 당신이 매일 생각합니다. 더이 세상에서 무엇보다 당신을 사랑해, 당신은 내게 별을보다 더 가치가있다. 나는 우리가 올해 당신의 크리스마스 소원을 얻을 바랍니다. 난 당신을 사랑 해요.

Wednesday, 26 October 2011

How Do You Cope?

Hello Readers. I have been going through each shelf in my mind trying to figure out new ways to cope. It’s so hard dealing with the generally unnoticed and hard to understand pain of adoption. The reason why I’ve been racking my brain so hard is because the past couple of days have kind of sucked. My cat Panther died.. Now I’m not going to tell you about what a perfect pet he was, Or how smart cats are vs dogs, Or something so cliché. He was an angry cat, And hated almost everyone he met except for me. Maybe animals can just sense if you’re an angry person too? He was a pretty weird cat actually. He’d stalk my friends around the house, Come when called, And every time I cried he’d find his way to me. He was the only living thing in this house that knew how much pain I had growing up.

The reason I brought this up is because I wonder if other adoptees felt this way about a pet, or had one special friend that knew about the confusion, questions, and sadness that can come with being an adoptee. How do you cope knowing about your own pain, And knowing others dind’t notice? Or maybe you’re lucky enough to have someone in your life who did notice? Of course my cat had no idea why I was sad, But unlike the other people in my house and friends he recognized the pain. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation about chemicals in our brains interacting, But no matter how you look at it it’s still nice to have something to help you cope.

Whenever I think back to my childhood I am so sadden by it. I can’t think of any good memories growing up. The few I do remember, The ones when I got a glimpse of how a family is supposed to be seem fake. There wasn’t any love or connection it just seems like some big joke the universe thought would be interesting to watch play out. Panther was just a cat, Like every other cat, But what made him special to me was giving me the feeling that someone else knew how much I hurt. It’s one of the only real happy things I can take from my childhood. Now he’s just gone.

In a lot of ways he was kind of like a dog. He was always at the door whenever I got home, No matter what time of day or night. Sometimes he’d try and run out, But then he’d just walk me down into my room. Half the time I’d come home and nobody, But him even knew I was gone all day. Every time I walk into the door, I lower my purse in to make sure he doesn’t get into the garage, But when I open the door he’s not waiting for me. I think it’s because I haven’t cried yet, I am refusing to. Because if I cry now who is going to crawl up on my bed and lay by my head, Or run across the house to me, Or paw at my door and sit next to me.. Now I have no one to be angry with, And now there’s no one in this whole damn house to know my constant tears mean something!! What happens now? How do I cope?

고양이와 가장 친한 친구 어머니가 돌아가셨으며, 내가하든 말든 가치가 내 눈물, 슬픔, 그리고 분노와, 현실과 의미 뭔가를 알고있는 가족 왼쪽이 없습니다. 난 당신이 eveyrhting 괜찮을 거라고 말 들었 으면 좋겠어. 매번 누군가 당신이 여기 있었으면 전달합니다. 당신이 통과하지 않은 희망, 난 당신을 사랑 해요.

Wednesday, 19 October 2011

Don't Learn How To Shut Up.

"You don't need a gun to kill somebody" ~Gideon of Criminal Minds

I heavy heartily believe that all you need to wreck a childhood and damage someone for life is words, Or even worse lack of words. Talking to your kids, parents, and friends about the things that hurt the most will help the most. We all know Minnesota is cold and defrosting takes time, But the flowers are long term and will outlast spring. It is so worth it to speak up.

Growing up I could never shut up, Even now my voice is loud and carries. Now i know how to use my voice, But when i was a kid even in high school i couldn't tell people my pain. I had no trust in my parents; I wasn't close to my sister or any family members. I couldn’t tell my best friends that I hurt so much because of them being white knew they could never fully understand my pain; It may have even offended them. Concealing my pain was a prime. I never told my teachers when a family member had died so there would be no class announcement when I missed school for the funeral. Once a girl asked me if I was crying behind my book, But I said I had a cold so I had the sniffles. As much as I hid my pain, Inside i was begging someone to notice, And to say something to me that wasn’t generic. When a classmate had a loss in the family I made sure to tell them I’ve been to so many funerals there’s a section for the clothe sin my closet and I that I was so sorry for their loss. There was other pain I saw, But I socially bit my lip. In 5th grade a boy finished typing his paragraph early in class, when it didn’t save everyone giggled while he cried. I wanted to say something, But I just sat there. I can’t be sure why it brought him to tears, But I wish I would have let him know he wasn’t the only one in pain.

If we all were so bold as to not shut up when someone is in pain, We’d be a better person and friend for it. Saying or asking something deeper than “Are you ok?” can mean so much. Not saying anything to someone in pain is just as crushing as the pain they’re going through.

Friday, 14 October 2011

Sharing Is Caring.

Hello my sweet supportive readers. Most of you don’t know I’m not writing a “tell all” about my life, adoption, and birthsearch. My style of writing is inspired by Toby Hill-Meyer. He writes amazing works for sex and gender roles, And uses this idea of shocking scholarly writing. The book I am working on is based off of that; This blog is more about my open and honest journey. What you read here is more emotional, than educational. I feel the need to be so open to not only get my story out there, But also to encourage other adoptees to share their thoughts and feelings. That is what I’m all about, giving and helping adoptees have a stronger voice in the world. All of us standing up and telling the truths as insiders of international and interracial adoption. I encourage you to ask me any questions, Or share your story. If the comment box is uncomfortable to you please e-mail me directly @, Or Twitter me @ KangSunLee1991. I do have a personal Facebook, But I’m not currently using it to directly interact.

That being said I have been wondering lately how much is too much? Is there such a thing when it comes to this? What is the difference between a tell all and openness? I feel like the term “tell all” has negative ties, And I am in no way sharing to be spiteful, hurtful, or for the sake of being controversial. I believe being open with others is the best way to spread tolerance and acceptance. How can we tolerate and accept things we don’t know are out there, Or don’t understand? I just finished watching a lovely documentary that really had nothing to do with this, Other than how much they shared about their personal lives. One spoke of nothing personal, One only shared school related issues and one sort of fight with a girlfriend, And one was so bold as to share feelings about a girl and family. They all shared first and last names. The whole time I was thinking that’s an amazing amount to share, While also thinking I share so much more. I hand out a lot of personal information, as well as my private thoughts that I tell only a couple people in my daily life. It almost seems extreme to be so forthcoming emotionally, Even if I know it’s helping others.

I know there are still very intense personal things I have yet to share with you all, that are a huge part of my everyday life and directly stem from my adoption. It’s scary to share so much sometimes, And not knowing who is really reading this. Adults I’ve never met, 20 something’s cheering on a fellow, Or the teens I work with in summer. I am working the nerve to let the darkness of my book and my emotions in the blog overlap. I hope we can all handle it..

당신에 대해 말해 사람이있다면, 난 당신이 내게 이야기인지 자신에게 부하 궁금 궁금, 그리고 당신이 당신의 일상 생활에서 나에 대해 궁금해 얼마나 궁금해. 당신은 내 성자 내 인생을했습니다, 내가 살아 보관하십시오. 당신이 사랑하는 어머니.

Monday, 10 October 2011

Waiting, Numbness, & I can't sleep.

Hello guys. It is currently 3:32AM, And I am waiting. I am waiting to hear from my social worker Kabin, I am waiting for my search to officially start, And I am still waiting for my birthmother to be in my life. One of the biggest struggles my whole life has been is waiting, And that pain gets worse every day. When I wake up in the morning I am alone in this world, I spend the day alone, And I fall asleep wondering why I’m alone. It’s a dull condemning feeling to constantly carry with you. I am the type of person that laughs every day, But with each big moment of happiness there has always been a big crash. Sometimes it’s in slow motion like falling down the stairs. You can’t feel the pain of each step yet, But you know something is happening to you. This numbness waves over me on weekly bases. It makes me feel like a ghost, And sometimes it’s so bad I can’t even speak.
I wonder if other adoptees experience this kind of emptiness in their lives. Does the numbing get so bad you can’t speak? It’s like the disconnect I have for my adoptive family is transferred to everything around me. It’s like I’m suddenly disconnect from the whole world, And instead of being angry about it, I am truly scared. It’s so unbelievably scary to constantly be alone even when you’re in the middle of a crowed or embracing a warm hug.

I am searching for my birthfamily, My true family, A family to make me whole. One of my very best and closest friends Calista pointed out to me that maybe my real family could be her and my other best friend Jordan, Or the family I could birth or adopt one day. I want so badly to just be happy with those ideas of family, But I don’t think that will ever be enough for me. I am very apprehensive of having my own child. How do I explain to a child who will most likely be half Caucasian, “Mommy doesn’t know anything about your grandma or grandpa. Mommy wishes that she did, And hopes you can forgive her for being so sad all the time. Mommy has a lot of anger towards Westerners even though Daddy is Western.”. How do I bring a child into this world when I have no answers for them, When I know how people will treat them for being Korean, For being mixed, And for having a Korean mom and a Caucasian dad. How do I explain to my son or daughter my anger towards Caucasians even though their dad is, And they’re half. How do I let them explore and understand their Caucasian side, And what it socially/culturally means to be American when I know how Caucasians and Americans have treated me.

My search could come up with a million different beginnings and endings. If I have multiple searches and come up with nothing than what, My main hunt for family ends? My other options for a family it to start my own on day. I am only 20, So starting a family won’t be anytime soon. But with all the questions I have that comes with having a biological child, Does that mean I’ll have to wait even longer to start my own family? What if I’m just never ready, Or take too long to try and figure things out. If the timer runs out on my eggs then I can’t have my own child anyways.

I could always adopt in the first place. I’d prefer a Korean baby, But that is also asking a lot from my partner. I’d be asking them to give up having their biological child even though there’s nothing wrong with our bodies, And we could conceive without a problem. I would also be asking them to raise a child like me, A Korean adoptee. I know what a heavy price it means to be an international and interracial adoptee. I feel like me being who and what I am is already a huge strain on a relationship let alone all the baggage non-adoptees have. South Korea’s international adoption is closing next year, Which means living in Korea for most of our lives. That was always a plan for me, But now there’s even bigger reason for it, To adopt a child to start our family.

It’s 4:22AM and my body is begging me to sleep, But I am still waiting and my mind is fully awake. This is just a small peak into what keeps me up so late at night. My thoughts and questions just keep going and going and going. It’s been like this since I can remember, Since I was even 3. Even when that wave of numbness crashes over me my mind works in this state of constants. Now I am waiting for it to be morning and day, So my body runs out of energy, And I can finally sleep.

당신이 잠못드는 밤이 있으며, 자신의 생각을 그렇게 일정한 경우에는 경우에 어머니 있을까. 난 당신이 밤을 수면을 발견하고 하루에 hapyness을 찾길 바랍니다. 난 당신이 마비, 전용 기쁨을 느낄 결코 바랍니다. 난 당신이 옳은 일을 한거야 알고, 그 당신이 날 생각 할 때 지나치게 슬픈 아니길 바래 야지. 저는 당신이 그리워요, 당신을 정말 사랑해. 잘 어머니 수면 ...

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Letter To Birthmother

Dear Mother:

Hello, I am your daughter. My birth name is Kang Sun Lee, And my adoptive and American name is Morgan Claire Pearson. I am searching for you and writing to you so you know that I am alive. I have been hoping for this my whole life. I can remember wishing for you when I was two years old. I need you to know that though we have been part since I was born, And we are strangers I have always felt a connection to you. I love you more than I could love anyone. I want you to know that you made the right choice. I grew up in a good finically stable home, I went to good schools and am attending college, But I have always missed you. I do not blame you and I have never been angry at you for putting me up for adoption. It is because you had the strength to give me up I know how much you care about me.

I am currently 20. I have dark brown eyes, And dark brown hair. My hair is soo long it reaches over half way down my back. I am 154cm in height and I weigh 91kg. As you can see in the pictures I have a few dark freckles on my cheek and nose, And my eyebrows are very spaced out. The freckles developed as I got older, So I have no birthmarks. I normally wear pants and an oversized long tank top and a nice sweater over it. I love to wear headbands with big bows and long necklaces. What’s interesting about my clothes is that I love to shop at Forever21, And I recently found out that it’s a Korean based store.

I have many different interests in life. I love to go to parks to run and to picnic. I especially love parks around lakes and with water fountains because I love the sound of water so much. I bake really yummy and cute cupcakes. I’ve tried making many Korean dishes like bulgogi, duk bok ki, mandu, sujebi, hoddeok, lots of egg side dishes, And kimchi. My bulgogi and kimchi are surprisingly very good, While my duk bok ki and sujebi turn out very badly. I always manage to overcook both! My best Korean dish is my mandu, It is very juicy and crispy! One of my greatest passions is art. I am very naturally gifted and am a very visual person. I started working with charcoal when I was 15 years old and took to it like a fish takes to swimming. I love to black out the page and pull all the highlights out with an eraser. When I was 18 I started using color pencils and getting into surrealism, Since then that’s what most of my work consists of. I have been a part of a few local galleries, Most prominent would be The Foot in The Door gallery at The Minneapolis Institute of Arts (MIA). No one in my adoptive family is very artistic, So I always thought my gift in art was from your or my birthfather’s families. The other big passion in my life is working with kids specifically Korean adoptees. I volunteer at Korean Culture Camp each summer; It’s always a highlight of each year. I am a good friend, role model, and older sister to many of the campers.

I had a very good education growing up and am still attending to my education now. I went to elementary school, high school and am currently going to college. My first year of college I went to an Ivy League private visual art school as a Fine Art major. I realized that my love of working with Korean adoptees surpassed my love of art. After one year of art school I transferred to a regular college. I am currently a double major of Sociology and Psychology with a specialty in Asian-American Social Culture. I am currently writing a book on my personal views and experiences of international adoption. After college I am moving to Korea and teaching English for two years. I want to learn about and live in the culture; I want to be a part of the traditions I never got to experience. I currently only know a handful of Korean words, But I am trying so hard to learn so if we meet one day I can speak with you.

I am a very outgoing and strong girl; I have always been an extrovert. I love to try new things and go to new places. Since I was adopted, I have never gone back to Korea. I am very excited and planning to go to Korea before I finish college and move there to teach. I am told in my adoption file that your 154cm in height, The same height as me! I am also told that your mother, my grandmother ran a draper’s shop. I was very excited to know that because I really love to sew too! I sew all sorts of unique purses by hand. I am also starting to sew skirts on a sewing machine. I hope to learn about other things we have in common, And any parallels in each other’s lives.

In parting with this letter I send you my whole heart, In hopes you will know how dear to me you are. I love you very much mother, and I love all my birth family very much. I have no true memories of you, But I hope we can make new memories together. I have ached for you, and have cried a sea of longing for you. I hope that you will write back, And I wish on every star that we will meet in the future. I love you mother..

Forever your daughter,

The Good News! (And letter advice)

Hello! So the good news I wanted to share with you was the status of my birthsearch! I handed in all the paper work, And my letter to my birthmother. My social worker Kabin told me it would take around 3 weeks for translating everything and sending it to the Korean agency. Once it’s there they can officially start and conduct the search!! I am so happy and excited that everything is beginning. This has been one of my biggest dreams since I was a child and now it’s really happening. I am so overwhelmed with happiness and filled by a spirit and strength I never knew I had! I truly feel like they will find her.. I don’t know if she’ll be alive or what kind of life she’s living, But I can feel in my heart I will find her.

My biggest hope is that I am not too late to meet her.

I know a lot of adoptees who are scared, freaked out, and intimated by writing a letter to their birth family, People who they ultimately don't know. I was too. I have been writing my mother all sorts of letters since I can remember, But even I was afraid. I froze up and i didn't know what to say. If my mother was dead, Then who would get the note? Who and how should i address it? I couldn't even open up Word. I put it off for 3 days, Then one night i clicked open Word and it all just fell out of me. Kabin gave me a list of things to talk about in my letter, That helped me a lot. It helped me know what should be in the letter, And i just let myself shine through. I didn't ask any questions, I just let my birthfamily as a whole specifically my mother know my thoughts. For me those thoughts were how much I loved and cared about them, That I hoped to meet them one day, And that it's what I've wanted my whole life. I also expressed that I didn't blame her for giving me. All i can say is fallow the sheet your social worker gives you, And make sure you share your thoughts and feelings. I will be posting my letter, Keep in mind that all letters a different because we all have different emotions towards our birth families, and our adoptions.

Sunday, 18 September 2011

My Adoptive Mom.

Hello, I have a lot of good and happy news to share with you from last week, But that will have to wait till tomorrow. Why not tonight? Because today was hard. After some dress shopping for my adoptive sister’s wedding, Me and my adoptive mom when to her mom’s. We found out my cousin had been fired from a job. He had been there about a year, And the whole time had a really critical work environment. According to my adoptive mom during the course of his employment she had been saying he shouldn’t have had to put up with it. This comes from the woman who gave me no support in quitting my last job. I quite my last job because of the racism and the sexual harassment that was both racist and nonracial. I was so mad! My cheeks were burning, And i could feel the tears boiling inside me. I took a chance and asked her why she felt that why, what was the difference? She told me that I had already quite, And to drop it. That I was only trying to “stir up things”. I just wanted her to explain the difference of working with people who are critical and working with racism and sexual harassment. She yelled at me to shut up. She got out of the car and ran into Walgreens to pick up a card. I sat in the car debating on whether I should walk home in the rain, Or try not to cry when she got back. I called my best friend to tell him, And I realized I was done with stepping around things with her. I hung up and as soon as she got back I told her I wanted her to understand and be supportive. She claimed she was and exaggerated as if I were the ridiculous one, “What do you want me to do? Go in there and slap them around for you?”. At that moment I had the strength and spirit of my homeland and my real family bubble out of me! I told her she never believes me on anything! I repeated all the things she said to me when I spoke of the racism and sexual harassment at work. That it was nothing, That it didn’t sound bad and I was blowing things out of proportion, And that only I saw it that way! I told her that is has always been that way. That I get treated differently because I’m an Asian woman, That people see me as a whore like they hear about in the news, That I’ve stopped reading so many books and articles because they used phrases like “wonton whore” as a normal term for an Asian woman. That this racism IS REAL, And it’s in my everyday life. I told her the 1st time I was sexually assaulted was in 5th grade. He grabbed my chest during recess, While laughing at me he said, “I thought Asians were supposed to have flat chests!”. I knew then it was race based, And I couldn’t tell anyone because it was very clear our family didn’t talk about race or adoption.

She disregarded everything I had to say and blamed me for not telling them.. She blamed me.. me.. I was just a kid, I was in 5th grade.. She said they’d obviously had done something if I had said something, But i didn’t. She just kept blaming me…. I squeaked out that when I tried talking to her in junior high I told her I was depressed and needed help she didn’t even look at me and said it was a phase.

She makes me feel like worthless trash. No matter what i say or do, No matter what happens and how much it kills me she doesn’t care. I couldn't count the times I’ve been sexually assaulted because I’m an Asian woman. I am trash to her, i clean myself up and she throws me away again. Now I am just typing this, And I am crying because her blaming me hurts, Her control over my happiness hurts, Her never being there for me hurts. Not having a mother hurts.

Monday, 12 September 2011

Got The Form Noterized, Just The Letter to go!

Hello hello! I am excited, invigorated, and feeling pretty spunky! Although right after this I am going to take a crash nap, Lolz. Boring news and excuses first, I was going to fool around with making my first vlog for my new Youtube account (KangSunLee1991), But i never went to sleep last night so I’m really tired! Now for what is kicking me up with spunk! I got my form from Kabin notarized!! I took some pictures of certain parts of the forms to commemorate the day, But I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t be posting such documents. Regardless I’ll edit them up a bit and post them somewhere; Who knows maybe I’ll get fancy and they’ll show up in my first vlog! All in all today was a great day, Much better than I could have imagined when I was getting ready for the bank this morning. I was nervous about getting the forms done, And strangely not nervous about getting started on my letter to my birthmother and family.

After the lovely woman with the hardcore German name that I cannot read off my sheet stamped my document this amazing weight lifted off my shoulders I felt so excited. As I walked out the door I felt very happy and incredibly optimistic about the search. It’s not that I try to be negative to not get my hopes up into fantasy, But i do keep myself in a strong check to make sure I stay with in reality. I am now realizing with all the hope I do have in finding her regardless of what that ends up meaning I can be optimistic about it without it going to far. I have wanted to start this search my whole life and as soon as I am done with my letter I can hop over to the Children’s Home Society and have them send everything to the Korean agency. Something pretty big I didn’t share with any of you before is I have a lot of information about my birthmother. I didn’t even know her name was my file let alone two paragraphs about her family and parts of her life at the time until I was 19. I definitely have a lot more to share with you, But I am straining to stay awake to post this, Lolz. I really do need some sleep, And then I will finish picking out pictures I want to send along with my letter, And then I will be writing that letter. 감사합니다.

Sunday, 11 September 2011

Starting My Birth Search

Hello, I am a South Korean adoptee. My adoptive American name is Morgan Claire Pearson, And my birthname given to me by my foster mother after my birthfamily name is Kang Sun Lee. Please feel free to call me by either name. I am 20 years old and grew up/still live in Lakeville, Minnesota. I am making this blog along with vlogs to document my search for my birthmother Joo Sook Lee. I sent in my first request forms for the search about a month ago to the Children’s Home Society in St. Paul, MN. This is something I’ve wanted to do my whole life. I have always felt a need and love for my birthmother and birthfamily. I always had an emptiness growing up; The hole I could never fill was my lack of family. I am not emotionally close to my adoptive family. I have always had a huge disconnect with them. Most people think that sounds like I’m ungrateful, But that couldn’t be further from the truth. I am so very grateful I grew up finically stable in a safe neighborhood in a safe town. I am so very glad for all the opportunities I’ve had growing up with the white privilege of my adoptive parents. I am especially grateful for the full education I’ve had and am still attending to. I am also very sad that we could never pull together as a family; It will always be one of the biggest shadows in my life.

With this search I am putting nearly impossible childhood fantasies to the test. Since i was a little girl my birhtmother was everything to me, She was more magical than Santa Claus, And in my mind she loved me more than anything because that’s how much I loved her. Today I still love her more than I could love anyone in the world. In reality i know she could be dead, or not want me in her life, Or her family doesn’t want me to exist because of the dishonor, Or she's married and has a family and kids. I constantly have to remind myself of what want her wants and needs could be, and what her current life could be so i don't put all my chips on one roll. It’s because off all these things and my wanting for a family is why I am searching for my birthmother. I also want to know why I was put up for adoption, if any of my birthfamily knows I exist somewhere, And to let them know that I am alive and that I love them.

The other day on the 9th i experienced a lot of heavy adoption/birthsearch stuff. I am scared, excited, and more lost than i thought i'd be from starting this. I learned that not everything will bring me closer to relief, But that each step will be a great challenge to pull under my belt. When I got the call from my social worker for my search, Kabin, I felt so overwhelmed. She told me a lot of things I didn’t know, And took me through the process of the search. She gmailed me the forms she needs in order for the agency in Korea to officially start the search. Since I got off the phone with her I keep needing to take a minute to just consecrate on breathing. I keep trying to slow down, But my heart is racing. My emotions are high because I keep bursting into tears. My eyes keep filling with hot tears, tears of sadness, tears of loss and being lost, and tears of hope. I have so much hope, But I am also afraid. Sometimes the fear feels like it’s squeezing the tears out of me. I am afraid of all the bad things and even the good things that could come from this search.

The comments area is a safe place for anyone to post. If you feel uncomfortable, Or would like to ask something personal about me or of yourself please feel free to e-mail me directly. My e-mail for all my adoptive related writings is :]

I am prepared as I can be for the beginning of this search. I am ready for this, I am ready to know the truth, And I know right now is right for me. My next post will be more about my current self and the work I do with Korean adoptees. I’m very excited to share and explore more with you, Thank you so much for joining me. 감사합니다.