Monday, 23 January 2012

I Am A Foolish Girl.

Hello Readers. Sometimes I wonder how other adoptees handle their relationships. Friends and dating can be tricky. I always wonder if they’re my friend or dating me because I’m Asian. When I’m told I have beautiful eyes I wonder if it’s because they’re almond shaped or just because they’re pretty on their own. I wonder if friends pick me because of who I am or because it seems cool to have an Asian friend. But who I am is a Korean adoptee and people seem to be infatuated with those who are messed up and hope to fix them.

I have never had one real friend before. For a minute I thought I did, But now I’m awake from that foolish dream. Something always gets in the way with how my apparent friends view me. It’s always emotional, or physical, Or both. I wonder if it’s like this for other adoptees.. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me that I can’t have just one normal friendship. I do crave acceptance from others, But not emotions past friendships or anything sexual. For once I just want a friend that I am close to, And the only physical beauty they see when they look at me is because I am such a good friend to them.

My friends who are attracted to me emotionally cause me great pause. I wonder how many of them just think they can fix how broken I am, Or maybe I really am this amazingly wonderful person despite adoption they say I am. I guess it is true the most lush and beautiful fruit and flowers grow at the edge of volcanoes. As for my friends who are attracted to me physically I’m sure for most of them it’s because my “exotic” looks contrast most blonde and blue wide-eyed Minnesotans. Both sides of it kind of suck a lot. A lot of times I wish I was this simple, normal, white American girl. I wish I could have simple, normal friendships. I wish I was born and raised by the same set of parents. But at some point all of my friends have woken me up from those stupid dreams.

Despite looking Korean, And being an adoptee I always find myself hoping for a true and normal friendship.. But then I get woken up and my heart sinks, For I am a truly foolish girl.

내가 균형을 찾아 도움말 어머니를하시기 바랍니다.


Hello Readers. The other night I got the balls to try and show my adoptive mom a 7 minute video and a documentary being made about the gay community being seen as second class citizens. I found it moving and amazing, the best 7 minutes I have ever spent on a YouTube video. Now this isn't a blog about gay rights or anything to do with the gay community really.

I think it's great that they have a lot of media coverage on the horrors that they have to live with. Now here is the connection I'm trying to make for you all.. Just because a person has rights, doesn't mean other citizens see them as full citizens. There is still so much negativity around what it means to be an Asian-American and an internationally adoptee. At some point gays will have full rights, but that doesn't mean the public will view them as human beings of value or worth respect. Just like how many Americans see me as an Asian woman not worth the value and respect as a white person. This is just like how most think I should feel lucky and fortunate for being "saved" when no one had to save me, And just like how many Asians view me as not a "real Asian" and not one of them.

The biggest difference between the hurt and pain of international adoption and gay rights isn't the actual issues, it's the media coverage. The pain of adoption in really more taboo to talk about than the pain of gay people. Both are still a group of people put through some type of hell by others, But one group's pain is secret.

So my adoptive mom refused to watch this video to the point she was yelling , telling me to shut up, that I was out of line, and to get out of her face. All I kept saying was please just care about a fellow human being for 7 minutes, it's only 7 minutes, it's important to know how the other side of something's feels and thinks other wise how do you know your against it?

I just wanted her to watch it and get an idea of what I live with being an Asian-American. I do not fit in with white people, and I do not fit in with Asians. I am the black sheep of our family, and I know being myself causes my whole family to hate me when all I want is acceptance for being me. All I want is for her to care about me, to love me.. I had so much hope I could get her to see that. The main reason why I live at home if because I hope that by seeing my pain everyday, my parents will eventually get it, and care about me and what's going on now and what has been going on for the past 20 years.

After she kept making a big deal, and shouting, and screaming, and refuse to watch anything because she didn't care about the video or anything else.. I just went in my room and cried. It was then I realized I was wrong about something.. I've always thought I got everything I wanted as a kid and as a young adult from my parents money wise because they wanted to buy my love and respect..

That night I realized they want to make up for the love and respect they never had for me their child.

I also started thinking that even though I'm sure my birth family would be glad to know I am alive.. I don't know how to ask them to accept me, weather I like it or not I am American. As much as I view myself as Korean and identify myself as Korean and not American, I only look Korean..

I really wish I could just be done with being adopted, Or better yet just disappear.

Monday, 16 January 2012

There's No Rice Ball In A Fruits Basket.

Dear Readers, I turn 21 on the Feb. 24th. I am excited to drink legally, And have a drink with no worries.. But my birthday is also the only day I had with my birth mother.. So it’s also a day of grieving, Not so much celebration. I have thought this way since I was a child.. I guess this year being a special birthday according to US law I’m celebrating more of a legal right of passage then being another year older.

Today I was at The Mall of America looking for an outfit that said “I’m Fucking 21” in the classiest way possible. I had to text my adoptive mom to have her transfer the money into my account.. While I was texting her I almost started crying, I had this overwhelming urge to text her “I am sorry I am not the daughter you expected, Or the child your paid for. I am sorry I hurt you every day because I don’t love you.” Of course I didn’t text her that at all, But I wanted to.. And it makes me so sad and upset that I am so messed up that I feel guilty for being myself. No one should feel guilty for being themselves, And trying to become the person they feel they were meant to be. I think I was meant to be Korean, And I want to become Korean culturally as much as I possibly can. At the same time I also feel guilty for being so Americanized.. For being so white.

I was talking to a new friend tonight and he told me I reminded him of Tohru Honda from Fruits Basket. He said like her I have an amazingly sad story and everyday life, And on the outside I am so happy and uplifting, and hopeful for others, But on the inside I am drowning. I can’t deny how truthful that is. I go out of my way to help my friends achieve their goals, I give advice on anything and everything all because I want my friends to be happy.. All because I want them to know how amazingly special they all are.. Just like from Fruits Basket I believe we all have something incredible to offer the world, But since we’re rice balls we might not know we have that special pickled plum on our backs. Even though I do so much, And work so hard to overcome the painful things in life.. And even though I work to help other adoptees as well as my friends overcome their issues.. I’m still unsure if I have a plum on my back.

어머니 당신이 당신이 옳은 결정을 내린 알고 바랍니다. 당신은 보름달만큼 큰 귀하의 뒷면에 매화 있습니다. 당신이 사랑하는 어머니.

Saturday, 14 January 2012

Debating Love.

Hello Readers, This blog is for anyone who needs a hug like me.

"All you need is love" , Horse shit or the key to happiness?

I am a sociologist. I also enjoy and use psychology and philosophy. I am self aware. I am a very intelligent woman. My type of intellect has always isolated me even though I am a very outgoing and extroverted person. I also consider myself a nerd due to weird and off beat personal interests. My closest and best friends are almost all introverts.. Recently I have learned none of them consider me to be nerdy at all. In fact they view me how I view most other people as blissful with their average minds and mainstream ideals. To my nerdy friends, those who I consider my real and closest friends,consider me an outsider. I am definitely more alone than I thought I was..

As someone who has serious intelligence, and had a very distant and cold upbringing.. I try to think of my personal life in different terms of "I am smart. I do not need a million friends to be happy. I do not need a big wedding to be happy. I do not need love to be happy." of course my childhood seeded depression, Incredible need for approval by my adoptive parents, And need to be recolonized as family by my birth family would say a otherwise.

Does a person really "need" love? Do I really "need" love? I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't care about all this adoption stuff; I wish I could just accept being American. I'd also do anything to get out of the sea of blissful friends I'm drowning in. I'd do anything to get out of the sea of pure sadness I'm drowning in. My lungs are filling up with water all the time from so many different things and I wish someone could give me a hug and pull me out. I wish someone could CPR this saltwater out of my lugs and get me away from the sea..

When ever I tell people about who I really am.. When I find a way to step out from behind this curtain that closest after acting happy all day.. I hope it helps expel some of this saltwater, Even though I know it won't I still hope for it.. Even though I'm pretty sure there will never be a lifeguard on duty, I hope to see one in the tower.

"I would do anything for love, But..." I will exhaust myself looking for my birth family, I will always hope to be accepted by my adoptive family, And I will probaly marry a nerd who the world thinks is the sweetest guy but actually is a huge asshole the takes me for granted and ignores me even though he's aware of how much it hurts me. I would do anything for love, But nothing I guess..

So if all you need is love to be a happy human being than I guess I should stop saying "Fuck other people" because I want to be happy and love is what I need. Of course "You can't always get what you want", But I know that sometimes a person might just find what they need... But what I want to be happy.. But in life all you need is love, And love is happiness.... But if I won't get when I would I might get what I need? Fuck.

I have always been an outsider growing up due to my intelligence and for looking exotic, I am the black sheep of my adoptive family for thinking differently, I am unknown by my birth family, And I'm not nerdy enough to really be apart of the group of my best friends, And now music and word play is pushing me further into the sea?

I am drowning and even though there are others drowning in the same sea, They are closer to shore. I am a lot more alone than I thought I was.

어머니 당신이 당신의 삶에 행복과 사랑을 바랍니다.

Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Suicide & Adopted Me. [Part Two]

Hello Readers. I dropped a bomb of a dark secret last time with little explanation, and now I'm ready to explain. I have been overwhelmed with everyday things in life since I was a child. The littlest things have always stressed me out to the point I can't sleep at night. Most of the time I don’t sleep until my body force shutdowns itself from exhaustion. Now that I'm older I think it's a part of this stress related phenomena of the Korean people. Stress is so high in all levels of education and work that some birth mothers have given up their children solemnly to ensure a less stressful life. A lot of adoptees report feeling incredibly stressed over small day to day things throughout their whole lives. This feeling of constant pressure in Korea has actually made suicide acceptable and while still shocking almost common.

I didn't know how the Korean people felt about suicide until this past year, but now I feel accepted. I feel more comfortable with my feelings about my own life because I know the people I consider myself a part of understand me.

I am in no way saying that taking your own life is a good thing, and I would not support others decisions in such an act.. But I do 100% understand how trapped an adoptee can get. I am crushed by my own stress. On top of that my main reason for staying alive is to meet my birth mother. My heart will be broken if I find out she has already passed away. To me it would feel like I wasted however many years alive waiting for someone who was waiting for me floating around somewhere else.

My feelings about my birth mother, All the feelings I have on my adoption in general, And my Korean related stress just pushes me and pushes me. It's over whelming to the point just breathing and being alive stresses me out. You need to understand and not be so shocked by this, because these thoughts are normal to me. I have been having them since I was a little 4th grader.. And so have many other Korean adoptees. Swedish studies have shown that any adopted person is at a higher risk of suicide than any non-adopted person. If you add on international and interracial adoptees it’s even higher, Add on Asian adoptees adopted into the US you shoot up to being at a 500% higher rick of suicide than any non-adopted person.. Even higher if you add on being a woman, And even higher if you are a Korean woman.. If your apart of each layer like me, You are a part of the most at risk group for suicide found in the world.

No one can tell me thoughts and feelings about my life being in my hands is wrong or not valid. I am working so hard against so much. I’m above 500% and I am drowning in it.

어머니 당신이 어쨌든 거기에서 내 주위에 밖으로 알고있다. 당신이 고통이 내게로와 유사한 방법으로 고통 알고있다. 난 당신을 사랑 해요.

Sunday, 1 January 2012

Suicide & Adopted Me. [Part One]

Hello Readers. Some nights I just get the urge to either hide or tell someone. It doesn’t matter who I push myself to tell, I just need for someone, For anyone to know. I’ve told my adoptive parents and they don’t even believe me, They think it’s a phase, And that I’m just full of drama, But this is so real.

I have been severely depressed since I was in 4th grade, And it’s never gone away. When I was a kid I never not noticed how unhappy I was compared to other kids. I was always sad, And that sadness grew. I’m cute, silly, and bubbly in front of people.. And I am always fucking laughing, and never shut up. I seem so happy and full of life to all my friends, But every day I waste hours thinking about killing myself.. Even as a 4th grader. My grades in all levels of school have suffered because of this. I absorb everything I do so perfect on tests, But homework… The heavily graded homework for all the kids that put in effort and still do poorly on tests.. When he had time in class to start it I was thinking about suicide, And when I’m at home instead of doing it I’d think about killing myself. These thoughts are normal to me.

I grew up always having a sea of friends, Always knowing someone, or being known by someone.. But none of that ever mattered to me. I got everything I ever wanted growing up toys, clothes, electronics, And all sorts of freedom. My adoptive parents gave me so much to buy my love that they could never earn. I didn’t have a mother; I didn’t have family.. So life didn’t matter. Life doesn’t matter now.

If I locate my birth mother and find out she has already passed it will crush me. It will crush the few pieces of me I’ve been able to save over the years.. The last few pieces of a heart that was never whole to being with. Even if I am able to see and meet my birth family and learn about them and her, And give the last pieces of my heart to them, I won’t have her. I will have nothing. I will be empty, And everything around me will be drowning in my tears.. If she is dead, Than I just wasted almost 21 years of life for nothing.

Somehow all of the friends I attract are suicide in all different ways. One of my best friends just wants to disappear and be done, Unless he finds someone. One blessed person to turn his whole world around, Someone to fall in love with, And grow old with.. But to me that means letting one person dictate your happiness, And no one can make me see the brighter side of day. Another one of my best friends wants to die because he doesn’t want to feel any more emotional pain. He wants to be like a robot and feel no heart ache. So he’s a borderline junkie, Anything not to feel anything.

A new friend has shared with me that he was suicidal as a teen, and almost did something about.. But grew up. I wish I could just grow up.. Just grow out of it, And get over all this adoptee stuff, But unfortunately for me my adoptee journey is life long.. Life long is a long time.

Now you know my darkest secret.

어머니 당신이 사라지고있다면, 저도 그래요