Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Suicide & Adopted Me. [Part Two]

Hello Readers. I dropped a bomb of a dark secret last time with little explanation, and now I'm ready to explain. I have been overwhelmed with everyday things in life since I was a child. The littlest things have always stressed me out to the point I can't sleep at night. Most of the time I don’t sleep until my body force shutdowns itself from exhaustion. Now that I'm older I think it's a part of this stress related phenomena of the Korean people. Stress is so high in all levels of education and work that some birth mothers have given up their children solemnly to ensure a less stressful life. A lot of adoptees report feeling incredibly stressed over small day to day things throughout their whole lives. This feeling of constant pressure in Korea has actually made suicide acceptable and while still shocking almost common.

I didn't know how the Korean people felt about suicide until this past year, but now I feel accepted. I feel more comfortable with my feelings about my own life because I know the people I consider myself a part of understand me.

I am in no way saying that taking your own life is a good thing, and I would not support others decisions in such an act.. But I do 100% understand how trapped an adoptee can get. I am crushed by my own stress. On top of that my main reason for staying alive is to meet my birth mother. My heart will be broken if I find out she has already passed away. To me it would feel like I wasted however many years alive waiting for someone who was waiting for me floating around somewhere else.

My feelings about my birth mother, All the feelings I have on my adoption in general, And my Korean related stress just pushes me and pushes me. It's over whelming to the point just breathing and being alive stresses me out. You need to understand and not be so shocked by this, because these thoughts are normal to me. I have been having them since I was a little 4th grader.. And so have many other Korean adoptees. Swedish studies have shown that any adopted person is at a higher risk of suicide than any non-adopted person. If you add on international and interracial adoptees it’s even higher, Add on Asian adoptees adopted into the US you shoot up to being at a 500% higher rick of suicide than any non-adopted person.. Even higher if you add on being a woman, And even higher if you are a Korean woman.. If your apart of each layer like me, You are a part of the most at risk group for suicide found in the world.

No one can tell me thoughts and feelings about my life being in my hands is wrong or not valid. I am working so hard against so much. I’m above 500% and I am drowning in it.

어머니 당신이 어쨌든 거기에서 내 주위에 밖으로 알고있다. 당신이 고통이 내게로와 유사한 방법으로 고통 알고있다. 난 당신을 사랑 해요.

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