Hello Readers. Some nights I just get the urge to either hide or tell someone. It doesn’t matter who I push myself to tell, I just need for someone, For anyone to know. I’ve told my adoptive parents and they don’t even believe me, They think it’s a phase, And that I’m just full of drama, But this is so real.
I have been severely depressed since I was in 4th grade, And it’s never gone away. When I was a kid I never not noticed how unhappy I was compared to other kids. I was always sad, And that sadness grew. I’m cute, silly, and bubbly in front of people.. And I am always fucking laughing, and never shut up. I seem so happy and full of life to all my friends, But every day I waste hours thinking about killing myself.. Even as a 4th grader. My grades in all levels of school have suffered because of this. I absorb everything I do so perfect on tests, But homework… The heavily graded homework for all the kids that put in effort and still do poorly on tests.. When he had time in class to start it I was thinking about suicide, And when I’m at home instead of doing it I’d think about killing myself. These thoughts are normal to me.
I grew up always having a sea of friends, Always knowing someone, or being known by someone.. But none of that ever mattered to me. I got everything I ever wanted growing up toys, clothes, electronics, And all sorts of freedom. My adoptive parents gave me so much to buy my love that they could never earn. I didn’t have a mother; I didn’t have family.. So life didn’t matter. Life doesn’t matter now.
If I locate my birth mother and find out she has already passed it will crush me. It will crush the few pieces of me I’ve been able to save over the years.. The last few pieces of a heart that was never whole to being with. Even if I am able to see and meet my birth family and learn about them and her, And give the last pieces of my heart to them, I won’t have her. I will have nothing. I will be empty, And everything around me will be drowning in my tears.. If she is dead, Than I just wasted almost 21 years of life for nothing.
Somehow all of the friends I attract are suicide in all different ways. One of my best friends just wants to disappear and be done, Unless he finds someone. One blessed person to turn his whole world around, Someone to fall in love with, And grow old with.. But to me that means letting one person dictate your happiness, And no one can make me see the brighter side of day. Another one of my best friends wants to die because he doesn’t want to feel any more emotional pain. He wants to be like a robot and feel no heart ache. So he’s a borderline junkie, Anything not to feel anything.
A new friend has shared with me that he was suicidal as a teen, and almost did something about.. But grew up. I wish I could just grow up.. Just grow out of it, And get over all this adoptee stuff, But unfortunately for me my adoptee journey is life long.. Life long is a long time.
Now you know my darkest secret.
어머니 당신이 사라지고있다면, 저도 그래요
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