Wednesday, 9 May 2012


Hello Readers. There was a few months where I didn't post much saying my personal life was really over shadowing my whole life. Now those things are coming to a close and I can find focus for myself. To be blunt and honest I am no longer speaking with my sister, and I am no longer with my best friend of 5 years. It's been really hard to say goodbye, but when someone hurts you enough you have to grow up. I believe in sink or swim, And I finally have the guts to push myself off the ledge and believe I can swim.

Now I have something amazing to share with you all... This summer in June I AM GOING HOME!! I am 21 and I am finally going home! I don't have the details or books my flight yet, but I have a meeting this week to work that all out. I am going home and I am so happy and so scared. Both make it so I can't breath.

I am scared because I am going by myself, and I can't see myself trying to fly back to the states with no one pushing me telling me I have to get on the plane and stay on it, no one telling me I need to sit there as they seal the door. I am afraid of the feeling of being adopted and sent away from my home again, but this time I am an adult. I know I am being taken away from where I belong, everything that I love, and I am able to stop it form happening again.

Other than that fear, I am soooo incredibly happy to go home! To finally experience home! Omg home! How fantastical and amazing is that! This is beyond my wildest dreams, and they are coming true for me. I thought searching and going home was just a dream and the hopes of a little girl.. But last October my search officially started in Korea, And this June is am going home.

Thank you. Thank you so much for reading these posts, thanks you for emailing me your questions and support. Thank you for finding me on Twitter and Facebook and becoming my friends. Thank you so much for help making this real for me. Thank you guys for everything you have given me.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Imaginary Enemy.

Hello Readers. A year ago yesterday I had a free reading done. My question was if my birth,other was alive or not. The spirits told him no. That she has some sort of crazy brain disease and knew she was sick when she had me, and it's why she put me up for adoption.. And she passed away early in my life when I was a child.

I am a true atheist so I can't and don't put any blind faith into this. Of course when anyone tells you something so horrible that is possible as complete truth.. It gets to you. It really messes with me because a lot of time I speak allowed to her like she is some sort of spirit and can hear me, see me living here, and knows my pain without her in my life. Why psychics get to me is that I have been consistently been told the same things about myself, what I should be doing, and what my future will be all involving my births parents. It freaks me out!

I really really hate that something not based in fact can get to my emotions so much. When I flip on the tv and this New Jersey medium show is on I can't help but watch it. I just sit there until another show comes on and cry watching it. It's silly and stupid, and I can't help but have such strong emotions when it comes to things like these.

Almost everyday I speak allowed and tell her "I just want to go home". For me she is home.

Sometimes I throw my atheism out the window just so I can fake a belief in god just to have a place to stake my real anger. I need something to blame for all of this. Being taking from my home and dropped off in America a country that will never accept me, but will allay expect from me. I am mad that that happened to me and I couldn't do a thing about it. I am angry about the unfeeling family I got placed with who just wanted children ASAP, not a child that was me. I am upset that I have to be so friggen intelligent, it is soo isolating! Very few people related to me, and they're all messed up too from living outside of the bliss of the majority! On top of all that the one thing that could make this better, is the one person I have to fucking search for! So sometimes I just need to look up and yell at God for putting me through this. I just need to yell and blame something for these things I know are beyond everyone's control.

I have some pretty big news, but that will have to wait till later this week when I get more details. Let's just say there are few things that make me happy, and this summer I am getting almost all of them :]