Imaginary Enemy.

Hello Readers. A year ago yesterday I had a free reading done. My question was if my birth,other was alive or not. The spirits told him no. That she has some sort of crazy brain disease and knew she was sick when she had me, and it's why she put me up for adoption.. And she passed away early in my life when I was a child.

I am a true atheist so I can't and don't put any blind faith into this. Of course when anyone tells you something so horrible that is possible as complete truth.. It gets to you. It really messes with me because a lot of time I speak allowed to her like she is some sort of spirit and can hear me, see me living here, and knows my pain without her in my life. Why psychics get to me is that I have been consistently been told the same things about myself, what I should be doing, and what my future will be all involving my births parents. It freaks me out!

I really really hate that something not based in fact can get to my emotions so much. When I flip on the tv and this New Jersey medium show is on I can't help but watch it. I just sit there until another show comes on and cry watching it. It's silly and stupid, and I can't help but have such strong emotions when it comes to things like these.

Almost everyday I speak allowed and tell her "I just want to go home". For me she is home.

Sometimes I throw my atheism out the window just so I can fake a belief in god just to have a place to stake my real anger. I need something to blame for all of this. Being taking from my home and dropped off in America a country that will never accept me, but will allay expect from me. I am mad that that happened to me and I couldn't do a thing about it. I am angry about the unfeeling family I got placed with who just wanted children ASAP, not a child that was me. I am upset that I have to be so friggen intelligent, it is soo isolating! Very few people related to me, and they're all messed up too from living outside of the bliss of the majority! On top of all that the one thing that could make this better, is the one person I have to fucking search for! So sometimes I just need to look up and yell at God for putting me through this. I just need to yell and blame something for these things I know are beyond everyone's control.

I have some pretty big news, but that will have to wait till later this week when I get more details. Let's just say there are few things that make me happy, and this summer I am getting almost all of them :]