Thursday, 30 January 2014

Buried Alive.

Hello Readers. Everything in my life has changed.

At work for they told me I had 2 choices: Go all in and really try to make a home, or get fired at the end of the month. Of course I go out of my way to stay cold and never stay for long, so I put in my 2 weeks. I have a couple weird options going, but mostly I've started looking for men's retail jobs. Yesterday was my last day. Hurray!

School makes me want to scream and I don't want to talk about it. I will say I'm seeing my therapist again on a weekly basis, and I love her to bits.

Things are a roller coaster with Double D. A lot of stuff built up and hit the fan, there was an explosion, and then silence for 2 months. We talked it out last night. While being vulnerable is scary, we both want monogamy, so we're trying the relationship thing again. This time we're going in slow and understanding there is a learning curve.

I still haven't restarted my search, but today I'm drafting a new letter to my birth mother. I'm also taking new pictures, and will finally hand all this to my case worker. Speaking of adoptee stuff, me and a couple girls from the trip have remained very close. It's hard to be vulnerable and let other adoptees know how insane I am, but it's good to know they understand when I'm half crying for chicken and beer. They are my ladies and I hope we can all meet up this summer ^_^

I want to apologize for not being around since Korea. I just don't want to think about Korea, or making a home, or anything that entails moving on from that trip. I'm scared this second search will yield nothing, and that will only pushing moving on closer to the present.

I can't imagine saying goodbye to the woman I never got to have in my life. I know holding out on this dream makes the rest of my life seem like a nightmare. I got fired after a year at work, not because I'm a fucking idiot who doesn't know how to develop her skills to be better.. But because I refused to want to be there, to try, to care about any of my coworkers. 

Caring about things and making little homes pushes my mother further away. I've refused being a team player and letting anyone in my whole life, because I'm scared to let anyone fill in the holes she left. Caring about things other than her, letting other priorities fill those holes.. It buries her alive..

But I am going to try so hard to allow myself to care about other parts of my life and the people in it. That's the real change here.


Sunday, 19 January 2014

The Paparazzi Says It's True.

Hello Readers. I really hate all of these celebrities being treated like gods for buying babies from Africa. It sickens me that they exploit their adoptive children for good publicity.

Before the celebrities there were regular adoptive parents. People with money, but by no means famous. Before the cameras there were churches and communities praising them for "saving" their boughten adoptive children. Korean adoptees were like adopting the best dog breed. We were sold as quiet and sweet, submissive and well mannered.. American adoption agencies literally called us, "the other white meat".

We were the only non-Caucasians in town. Dealing with gawks and stares for being this exotic child growing up, while my adoptive mom was praised and asked about her find.. Being told how lucky I was to be "saved", always being reminded of the privilege I had received through adoption, constantly holding in my grief.. As a child I knew what I had lost; I begged, screamed, and cried myself to sleep for my birthmother. Since I was a child I was forced to privately mourn the loss of my family and culture.

Even today people still have their opinions on how good adoption is. At school, at work, my closest friends.. all total strangers has to how I grew up. Everyone constantly saying my adoptive parents are great and love me. These strangers do not know how adoption works! Buying a child does not mean you saved them. You couldn't have your own and you were forced to buy to have a family. No child will replace not having biological children.

If I am so lucky, if I am so loved, if adoption is all the good the paparazzi say it is.. Then why do we cry for our birth parents? Why do we go back to our motherlands? Why do we search for our birth families? WHY DO WE HAVE THE HIGHEST SUCIDE RATES IN THE WORLD!! WHY ARE THERE FARMS OF ADOPTEES WHOSE ADOPTIVE PARENTS COULDN'T MAKE IT A FOREVER HOME!! WE ARE NOT DOGS!! YOU CANNOT RETURN TO SENDER ANYMORE!! WE ARE NOT YOUR CAT YOU CANNOT RENAME US!!

We stand together and mourn a loss of culture you stole from. We are child soldiers in the battle of race and ethnicity. We live in fear that our families don't know we exist, and in terror that our families are dead. We are generations of babies taken from homes, exploited from our culture by white culture. Our dying wish is to know who we are, and be happy with it.

We are the lost children of Korea.