Wednesday, 26 June 2013

Flying To Korea!!

Hello Readers. I'm currently on a Korean Air flight headed to home. The past few days I've felt so ready, but the fact that I'm not meeting any of my family and is killing me. Knowing I'm in the same country, under the same set of stars at the same time as them makes me so happy.. But not knowing if they're passed the same ground I'm walking on is terrifying. It wasn't until I was inline to check in for Korean Air that I was over whelmed with sadness and thankfulness.

I keep tearing up.. Oh my god I am going home! I'm deeply feeling the "return to sender effect". It hurts so badly, like my heart being strangled in thick smoke, that this didn't work out.. That my adoption just didn't work out. As a 22 year old I find myself to have grown up into an intelligent and passionate young adult. I've grown up enough to send myself back. I just hope home fills everything my 3 year old heart has been starving for.

Looking around the plane I'm surrounded by Koreans, and I feel normal. I'm totally still the fat girl, but they all look like me damn it! Who would have thought such a place existed? A place that I'm not a freak, that I'm not exotic, or have the darkest hair.. I don't even feel weird or scared to be around so many Asians. I feel how all my white friends must feel like when they go anywhere. Of course >_< crying and sniffling probably makes me stick out a little :3

I feel really good about this guys. I feel like I can be happy; I'm going home

Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Giving Up America & Gaining Korea.

Hello Readers. In 2 weeks I'll be on a plane home. But for the past week I've been barely sleeping and feeling on edge. I'm scared of not fitting in with the group and just not fitting in Korea. I never had a life in America and I hope to finally find that when I get home, but then my true life will be an ocean away.. Furthering the gap between me and my adoptive family/American friends.

I'm scared finding home means being lost from them forever. But.. I'm willing to give up the little bit of family I do have here for a life in Korea. I may have no family waiting in Korea, but hopefully I do have a home there.

I'm so happy to be leaving America soon. Being in the same country as my birth mother and second mother makes me feel like all the puzzle pieces are in the box of my Korean identity. I may never be able to place every piece, but knowing I have them close is love. But knowing there's no one waiting at the airport, dying to hold me, and call me her daughter.. That's killing me.

What hurts more is knowing some of the adoptees in my program.. They've met their birth families, and they have beautiful plans to see them. I am so jealous. It's like going to the park or mall and seeing all the white children look like their parents. As a little girl I'd run to the public bathroom and cry hating myself for not having that. As a young adult, I still do sometimes.

I am beyond happy to finally be going home. I truly am glowing, but I'm trading what little I have in the states for something I hope for in Korea... The small white dysfunctional spec of family and friends, for an empty home. The part that makes me sad about this choice is that it's easy. I give it all up for home, and to finally find my Korean life.

In short.. Goodbye America, I'm not sorry it didn't work out. Stamp me [RETURN TO SENDER].