Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Merry Christmas.

Hello Readers. Merry Christmas! I hope you all had a wonderful holiday with who ever you consider your family. This Christmas I made a real effort to be apart of what little family I do have.

I spent mine going to my grandma's with my parents. My grandma Donna is simply the best! I love her. She has the best gossip and life stories to tell. I love to ask her questions about when she was first married, the classy heels she used to wear, and how her and my grandpa Paul met for the first time at a dance.

When I was a kid I used think grandpa Paul was like everything other strict old guy. But looking back on it the guy dressed slick, and a bit rockabilly. I've always heard about how he rode a lot of hogs, and had a spitfire bullshitting kind of way to tell a story. But I don't remember that grandpa, and I don't remember those stories at all. Is like hearing a foreign language when my adoptive mom talks about what a "bullshitter" her daddy was. I guess like the childhood memories of my adoptive mom, as a kid I took in the memories of my grandpa negatively too.

After many wonderful talks with my grandma Donna I went to my uncle's. Him and my dad ran away to the man cave/lower level family room, while me and my mom drank wine in front of my recovering alcoholic aunt. My cousin closest in age faked joked around, and my other cousin acted like a priss until he left. Basically what always happened when I used to go to family Christmases. But now that we're all adults and have had time to mature. By mature we pretended all night we were normal and bonded over crafty decor.

In the end this effort made me closer with my grandma, but over all it made me really sad. Sad that I'm not close to my family, that I need to fake a good time. I know everyone has to fake a little around the family during the holidays, but this is me not having a heartfelt connection. It's very clinical for me. The only reason why I get along so well with my grandma is because she's an old fashion lady, and I like old people stuff.

I don't view her as my grandma; I view her as Donna my adoptive mom's mother. I wish I felt like she was my grandma.. When I meet cool old people I always think, "I wish they were my grandparents!" And that's how I feel with Donna.. I wish she was my grandmother vs my grandma, my adoptive mom's mother.

Little Orphan Annie was brought in, and everyone fell in love with her. She loved them too, but said no to being adopted. She found out her parents had passed away, and then was able to fully open her heart to this new family who wanted her so badly. But that's just not how international adoption works. Maybe my family has always loved me and wanted me so badly too, but since I don't have my answers I've been the one always saying no to their love. Maybe part of why this family is so broken be use, I've been saying no to adoption my whole life.

Thank you to my friends who read my earlier post. Thank you for contacting me and for letting me know I'm not completely alone in this. Your support really means the world. But it's still feels so cold tonight. Merry Christmas everyone, I hope you're with the ones who fill your hole the most.

To My Friends: Merry X-Mas I'm An Orphan.

Hello Readers. There's a little site called Ancestry.com where their service is genealogy. I just saw their Christmas commercial. It ends with, "This holiday season give the gift of family."

It's like taking a friggin bullet.

Isn't that what most of us want? Adoptees who question want their families back and these holiday commercials always seem so mocking. Like hey just sign up on a whim and find interesting facts about your family. It's so damn easy, and for a small fee you can give it a try. It makes me want to scream and cry, and I do.


That's all I want every year for the holidays. I wanted so badly to go home last summer, and I so badly need to go home this summer, and I would give my life to go home even for a day this Christmas. Even if it means missing Korean Culture Camp and Teen Camp.. As much as I want to be at camp for my kids and teens, I need this for myself. I need to be a little selfish for a change.

When my birth search got shut down, I didn't feel anything for weeks. I didn't think I could feel much worse unless my mother turned out to be dead. And I always feel so horrible around the holidays, but this year is the absolute worst.

I really need my search to reopen. I am begging everyone to take my case! I really need family, and to go home, be with my people, and find her, and be in her arms, hear her voice, and know my place, and that it's finally safe to grow up, because I have her, and she's no longer missing my life, because I'm finally apart of her's. That's what I want for Christmas!!

My parents and my sister will never understand this, but I used to be an orphan. And because of them that's no longer my legal status; They are all I have.

True like many adoptees I was in the loving care of my foster mother, who I call my second mother. But my legal reality was that I didn't have my biological family the first 4 months of my life, I was an orphan

I feel like I'm the only person I know who would jump in to help someone drowning. And that feeling of caring more than my friends and family do terrifies me. I'm so scared that no one would jump in to help me. I want to be apart of a family that has my back. I want to be close to my parents. I feel like my mom and I are getting closer, but I'm petrified of even passing my dad on the staircase. Maybe I'm not close with my mom, maybe I'm just comfortable.. But that's not love is it.

I am so sick of being alone in this house. I'm scared of moving out, not just because being an adult and moving on with my life without my mother terrifies me, but because I'll loose my parents and sister forever. Even if I just lived in Minneapolis, I'd never feel welcome to come home for the holidays, even when they call to make plans for it.

When we had Thanks Giving here.. I went up stairs an hour before the table was even set.. Because I was scared no one would call me up for dinner.

I have so little family and they'll never love me, or get me, or really have my back.. And I'm petrified of loosing them. Because if I do then I'll have no family. I'm scared that I'll become an orphan again. You have no idea what it feels like to see your paper work from your baby time call you an orphan on-every-single-page!

Yes I did just use the phrase "baby time" from Joy Luck Club. I know they're Chinese, but I watch it because they over come their family's lack of communication and understanding. Even after her mama passes, She finds her sisters, and knows her mother even better.

I feel like an orphan every December.

I'm single, I have no 24/7 best friends, I keep all my friends compartmentalize to very strict zones, I keep the guys I'm dating at arms length, I keep sex as just sex and don't date the guys I have sex with, and it's all because if people got close to me.. They would see me cry myself to sleep every night, because I'm scared shitless of loosing the small tiny unfortunate bit of family I have left.

If I am a rape baby then there's no family waiting for me in Korea. Even though I'll be home and it will fill the major hole, It won't fill all the tiny cracks. There will be no family to help my with the spackle to finish the job. It's why I haven't moved out of my parents' house again; They're the spackle. Stay here, big hole. Go home, still incomplete. Clearly I need a project manager.

This is why I'm a Scrooge, this is why I hate Christmas songs so much I get physically nauseous. This is why holiday decor makes me want to cry and scream. This is really why I really truly hate the holidays.

Please, If you're my friend and you're actually reading this. I am telling you right now that I need you. Don't Facebook me. You have my digits use'um! Or better yet show up on my front door. If you could just be there for me, if you could hold my hand for a second and give me a hug as these holidays pass us.. If you're really my friend please say something, That's what I want for Christmas this year.

Please don't let me be an orphan again this year.

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Therapy Is Way Cool.

Hello Readers! I am doing some amazingly fantastically cool things in therapy! My therapist Betsy is super rad. I mean Super Rad! I mean when she moved her office, I started driving an hour to see her.

***DO NOT TRY THIS WITHOUT THE ASSISTANTS OF A HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONAL. THIS IS ONLY AN OVERVIEW OF HOW REPROCESSING MEMORIES WORKS. If you're interested in trying this, Please contact a therapist in your area, or go to your school/place of work and meet with a councilor who can help.***

The past month we've been working on something very awesome, we've been reprocessing my memories. This just means setting a perfectly safe and serene environment for me to go through a memory and see what I feel emotionally, what my body feels, and all the small details.

It's a bit like on Criminal Minds when they take a witness through what they saw, smelled, felt, but a lot safer and slower for my subconscious. It allows me to be super aware of what I feel and what's really happening in the memory, but I don't actually feel unsafe, angry, or hurt. Like you do when you have a crappy day, feel better, explain what happened, and then feel crappy again.

There a few different ways to reprocess memories. First the tools! There's: 2 small tabs that pulse back and forth in your hands, larger tabs that pulse back and forth + have a small light that flashes back and forth, and headphones that beep back and forth in each ear. Now these tools work like background music, but they play a huge part in reprocessing. They better connect both sides of your brain.

What you do is pick your tool(s), pick a place real or made up that you feel calm and safe in. Go there in your a head a few times to really make it solid, and easy to go to. Then use it as a tool to keep you calm while you think of times when you had to deal will small annoyances. Eventually you will be able to work on bigger memories. You can use going to your safe place to keep you feeling sane in every life.

So far we've set up my safe place which is a very special park in Burnsville, The Heart of The City park. It's where I used to run to in the middle of the night as a kid to escape life. And of course I totally brought boys there, and took tons of pictures, and did drawings there. It has all sorts of moving water, lights, and sculptures. The feel of soft grass, smooth rocks, and the sound of water just makes me feel so at peace, alive, and free. It's safety.

We also worked on reprocessing small annoying memories. For me it was this guy in high school who always tapped his pencil during tests, racing against this ass hole to finish tests first, and talking to this girl who so ignorantly voted yes. Next week we'll be working on reprocessing bigger memories. The first time I got sexually assaulted in elementary school, and when these guys I've know my whole life used to call me "Japanese Girl" all through elementary school.

I think this is healthy, and really awesome for your subconscious. If you think this type of therapy could be beneficial for you, please contact a therapist in your area. If you don't have health insurance, or you have poor coverage there are plenty of free clinics. If you go to school (elementary school, middle school, high school, college/grad your school does host councilors for you to talk to. There's also many work places that offer councilors and can set you up with therapists. Cheers!

Saturday, 15 December 2012

I Am [STILL STILL] Fat: Eating Disorders 101

Hello Readers. If you remember back many months ago I had a couple posts about eating disorders! And I promised it was a mini series, so here is the 3rd and final installment of "Eating Disorders 101".

As I said before I want to talk about eating disorders because international adoptees are at a higher risk for mental issues than non-adoptees. Since eating disorders is very common, even for men, and I myself have had them in one form or another my whole life, I find this topic extremely important.

Many of you have been emailing me about your eating disorders, or about knowing an adoptee friend who has food issues. And I am wowed by how many of you are taking a bit of that control back by admitting it's unhealthy. I didn't admit my over eating to anyone until the the past couple years. Even though it was obvious when you looked at my body, but it's still important to say it out loud and tell someone. It's like someone who is clearly an alcoholic because we all saw them freak out at the party last night and there's pictures. That person still needs to admit their problem with alcohol themselves.

Now I openly admit that I have other food issues as well. I starve myself, I count calories when I pack my lunch, I lift weights and run in place just to watch tv. These are clearly not healthy habits. It shouldn't be a crime to just kick it on the couch and turn on the tube, but for me even renting a movie means I better at least be using a shake weight. Yeah I have one of those; Keep your mind out of the gutter lol!

I feel like my eating disorders are bipolar or manic depressant. Half the week I can just relax. Make some rice and Korean chicken, squirt a bunch of sriracha on and just be happy. Maybe I only run for half the movie, maybe I even skip a few hours of the day and take a nap just because I have the time. If I'm out with my bros I'll order real food vs a salad and grilled salmon. But if I'm on a date it'll probably still get a salad, but I get it with cheese and polenta croutons.

The other half the week I'm counting a half-serving of reduced fat wheat thins as one whole serving. I actually get in colorful discussions with my mom because she tries to make me buy/eat regular wheat thins. I won't drink hot chocolate no matter how freezing the house is. I don't put honey in my tea because it's just extra calories and sugar. Sometimes I even get to the point where I just heat up hot water to drink because even tea has calories in it.

Even my clothes say something about my unhealthy weight loss and life style. I'm up for a really cool job that calls for high fashion office wear. High fashion accessories I already have, but all my non-casual clothing are cocktail dresses and super formal satin gowns so I had to do a lot of shopping. I can perfectly fit a size 16 dress, 14 pant, and XL blazer. For me that feels pretty insane! A year ago next week I wore a plus size 22 dress, plus size 18 pant, and barely fit into a stretchy plus size 3X blazer. Crazy right!? And to top it off a size 16 in the USA is AVERAGE! So I'm finally an average American woman in one way, Uh.

Now most woman won't go around telling you their dress size, but I really want you guys to see how drastically my eating disorder has morphed. In the next few months I will start to experience a new kind of financial, emotional, and physical freedom (getting a new car) that I've never experienced before. I'm hoping I will also start a healthier life style and loose weight the correct way.

And no, this isn't my New Years resolution. This is just something I want to do for myself and to better my mental and physical health.

Friday, 14 December 2012

Meeting Strangers & Our Community.

Hello Readers. This week I found an email from a few months ago that had been unread and unanswered from a reader. She asked how I think I'd feel when I meet my birth family. People rarely ask me how I think I'd feel, or how I hope it happens. They just hope that it does happen for me someday.

I've heard of many stories from other adoptees saying they felt very little for their family, but when they met them all they could so was cry and feel waves of love. Other adoptees have only felt love and when they meet their birth family the fact that these people are strangers hits them like a brick wall. But in almost every reunion story I've heard was that the family always feels love. To them they lost a child. No matter the circumstances and the fact they surrendered you to an agency, they lost you.. And it kills them everyday.

Can you imagine not knowing who your baby grew up to be? Not know it if you have grandchildren? You go your whole life with questions of never knowing, full or fears, and which full thinking, full of love of or the loved one you barely got to meet. And then they find you, but they can't love you back? It must be heart breaking.

As adoptees who can't be 100% certain of what we'll feel till we meet them, we must be accepting of their love. Even if we feel like they're strangers. We must respect the loss our birth family has felt, like we want/expect others to respect the loss of culture we feel.

We must also keep in mind that the perfect ending we want might never happen. I always think of my mother lovingly, but I may find her and freak out that she's a stranger to me. She might not want to deal with the challenges of me being American. She might really be a rape victim and hates me. My worst fear is that she's already dead. But I do accept that as a possibility.

The truth is we can speculate all we want, but we'll never know till if and when we get there. But I hope no matter how it happens or what we feel, that we can all handle it together. That's what myself and other adoptee bloggers, YouTubers, writers, and artists are all about. We're not just activists for speaking out on and bringing understanding to the real meaning of international adoption, but to build a community of Asian-adoptees.

No matter how things go, and the many colors of our emotions we'll always find understanding here.

Wednesday, 5 December 2012

Yellow Heart vs White Skin.

Hello Readers. I am so angry and mad right now! I am annoyed with, hurt by, and upset with my white friends! They just get to be born with families and being American! Why did all of you get born with your parents! Why do you get to look like them! Why isn't your medical history a fucking mystery, Why don't you live in fear of being prone to a million different diseases! Why do you get to have the same skin as everyone else in this country! Why are you able to speak your birth tongue! Why do you all just get to be born with your culture! You don't have to learn what you're life could have been, should have been, and was supposed to be!

Sometimes I just want to scream at my white friends! Because they do not get how important this is for me! How hard this is for me! I am so mad around the holidays because family is so god damn automatic for them! And none of them get how hard I have to work just to make a good pot of rice!

You might be stressed out over making the perfect turkey or perfect honey glazed ham, but I fucking cry over not being able to slice bulgogi just right! You have a mom, dad, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins to call and ask for help! But I don't! I have to go on the internet and hope to God I can figure out all these complicated recipes on my own!

I am alone in this! I'd never wish this feeling on anyone, But I'm so mad none of my white friends have to deal with this! I am angry you get to be white, so you never have to deal with what I go through being not-white! I had to make kimchi 9 times just for it to come out right once! While you can ask anyone how to make a cheese burger, apple pie, and what ever the fuck else you find classically American!

I don't have a mother! I don't have a mother! I don't have a mother!

I am not white! I am not white! I am not white!

You have family pictures, and memories, and birthday cards, and you can call her up, but I don't even have a single picture of my mother! I just know we're the same height! How is that fair!!??!!??

I only have 2 pictures of my foster mother. And today I finally have the balls to post them! I will find my family! I have too! Because I grew up being told it wasn't ok to be not white. And everyone of my friends has told me that in one way or another! And some of them have even accused me of "playing the race card" just because I happen to be not-white! How is that a fair and ok argument? "Oh well you're Asian so you're comparing everything to Koreans" The fuck does that mean? You're only reading me like that because I'm yellow you racist! I don't throw out, "We'll you're just a stupid fat American!" Why is it if you're not-white in America that disagreeing with someone means you're bringing race into it! The fuck!!

Keep your white skin, keep your privilege, call me fucking exotic, and treat me like a worthless asian wonton whore! Regardless of how poorly Americans treat me as less than them, I'd rather look like me than treat people how you do.

No matter how hard I've been whitewashed, I have a yellow heart. A golden heart.