Hello Readers. About 15 years ago I stepped from my adoptive maternal intermediate family. All together we had 10 cousins and even more aunts and uncles. It was a huge loss that I needed to choose. I only saw them at funerals and weddings, but we didn't speak. Let's share.
As you know this past year I have really blossomed and opened up to my adoptive parents, even some aunts and uncles. I have always had a close relationship with my adoptive maternal grandma and we're closer than ever. A few months ago I had a poor experience with an aunt and wanted to bottle back up.. But my cousin, we'll call her Ella's, wedding came up and I decided to keep things open. In mess of the 10 cousins we are closest in age.
I went to the reception and set a timer for 1 hour. I'd stay for an hour and if I felt I needed to leave, I could go. I missed the timer completely. I saw Ella and her brother, we'll call him Don, for the first time in years. I was the only cousin who showed up.. We hugged, talked, bonded, and.. I felt truly happy. I felt like I had a big family again.
It was so good to see so many familiar faces in one room. I had missed them all terribly. I missed participating in big family gatherings. Everyone made toasts, including me. I got to hug everyone, hold my Ella's hand, and dance with everyone. It was so wonderful.
As the night got later more stories were told, but they didn't line up with eachother.. I tried to get my adoptive mom to confirm what I was being told and she couldn't. I was told all sorts of dark family secrets I never knew growing up. But I just don't know what was true and what was a lie.. It's so confusing, like I'm 8 years old again and all my cousins are telling me all different things and I just can't pick what's real. Sometimes love just isn't enough.
Ella and Don both told me they had been searching for my online for years and asking my adoptive mom for my number. Of course my adoptive mom knows I'm very private about my number. But there was only one Easter where she mentioned they asked for it.. If you google my name you'll see Google Images, my Twitter, my Instagram, my articles, my email, and this blog.. Even stranger.. they kept asking me to add them on Facebook vs for my number. I still wanted personal boundaries, so I decided to text them both my number vs opening up my private social media account.
When neither of them texted me back, I realized they didn't want me. They just wanted to have fun stalking my private social media..
My exe partner just schooled me in the huge adoptee lesson, DON'T TRUST ANYONE. My aunt fired a warning shot about them not accepting who I am as adoptee. But I still went to that wedding. I still hugged, danced, and poured my heart out to them.. And did you know what I learned? If the plan is to not see people until your grandma or parents die, THEN STICK TO THE DAMN PLAN.
I wish my uncle was alive.. We only met twice, but he knew exactly who I was. He understood who I was completely and even told my mom. He understood the family too, and he left them too. I wish I had met him a 3rd time, I wish he was still here. I wish he could help me now.
Stepping away the first time was hard enough.. But a 2nd time as an adult.. It's killing me.
