Saturday, 31 December 2011

Christmas Day.

Hello Readers. I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell happened Christmas Day, And well.. It was beyond weird! I ended up at two Christmases.. TWO!!!

I found myself at Jordan’s Grandparents because I apparently owed I to his family (Dad), Because Jordan missed Church the eve before to help me through my awkward “Family” Christmas dinner with my adoptive parents. So I had the pleasure in dealing with his dad’s silent pissyness towards me from 1:30-6pm, Just lovely. From there we had to go to Jordan’s disconnected aunt’s Christmas. Where nobody talked to me, Although his 15 year old cousin stared at my chest from the moment I walked in till we left. Again, Another a lovely Christmas well spent. On the drive home I not only wanted a drink, I needed one. I just kept focusing on that and the horrible awkwardness of the day and evening vs on myself. This is the first Christmas I didn’t cry in the bathroom, and I still haven’t cried.. Sometimes I feel like I just give up on being accepted into any family. My own adoptive parents can’t accept me and never will. I’m not sure why I bother trying to meld into another family.

Family. It’s an odd word to me. I want it so badly, And yet I’ve never had it. How can you miss and cry over something you’ve never had? How can I miss my birth mother when I don’t even know what she looks like? What’s the point in wasting time and energy in missing and wanting something you’ve gone your whole life without?

To answer all of that I think it’s like how I do my makeup and why I do it that way. A lot of times I add a little sparkling white eye shadow on the inner corners of my eyes.. It makes my eyes look bigger and more open.. Unfortunately like every other girl who does their eyes the same it’s because white American eyes are so much bigger.. So much prettier to white American men.

It makes me feel sick when I think about why I do my makeup the way I do. It makes me sick to think back to when I was 12 and first wanted to get surgery for bigger wider eyes. I used to squish my eye around in the mirror and pull on it to see what I’d look like with rounder, bigger, white American eyes. I wanted something that I was told to be the most beautiful, And what was normal. I love my birth mother because she is a part of me, And I want to know me. But I miss her because I grew being told a mother was all these things I never had in my adoptive mom, All sorts of things I missed out on not having my real mother.

This Christmas instead of missing my real family, I got to observe family and it made me feel sick about everything I grew up with and wanting.

어머니 저는 아름다운 한국어 욕탕 나는 모습 한국어 사랑 해요. 저는 자랑스럽게 생각합니다.

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Christmas Eve.

Hello Readers. I’ve been trying to write this holiday blog for a good month now, Just getting all my feelings and thoughts out. Each attempted ended up being this frantic anger filled rant, coated in deep seeded sadness, rolled in bitterness. That is not the kind of truffle I want to serve you guys; Swallowing that helps no one. So here goes..

For the past few years I’ve been saying I want to spend Christmas alone, No family gathers of mine or of my close friends. Of course for the past couple years I’ve ended up going to Jordan’s anyways, But this year is very different. This year I have so much hope in finding my own family that celebrating anything seems wrong without them. Plus why bother celebrate with people who don’t know me at all? I’m just going to take extra-long trips to the bathroom to cry behind a door all dolled up in my nice clothes. I’d rather get dressed how I normally do, And cry in my own bathroom… Or in front of the TV watching families come together at the end of the film, And all the same race couples fall in love as the snow falls around them like a magical Christmas blessing.

I know that all seems like a pretty harsh view of the holidays, But I’ve always felt this way. Like the rest of my childhood I have no happy memories of the holidays. Sure I had a ridiculous amount of presents compared to most of my friends, And my stocking was always over flooding onto the floor. As cheesy as it sounds gifts aren’t happiness. Regardless of your age family and love is what makes a person happy. Knowing who you are and that you friends and family know who you are inside is what makes a person whole. I have never been truly happy, And I am not a whole person.

This year I had really planned to be completely alone, And normally my adoptive parents have other plans with family elsewhere. Unfortunately for me they’re staying home, and doing something tomorrow. So I’ve been stuck in the kitchen since 10am because my adoptive mom wants a “family Christmas dinner”. Honestly it makes me want to puke in my mouth a little, And gives me the creeps. Since they’ll be gone tomorrow though, I’ll get to be alone in then. I can cry in piece, And not behind a bathroom door.

I really hope I don’t cave and go to Jordan’s Christmas tomorrow, I’m actually afraid I will. My need for family always gets me in the end, But hopefully this year I can stay strong and stay away from it.. I think why I try and stay so strong about family is because there is a chance I won’t find my family in Korea.. There is a chance no one will want contact.. There is a chance my birth mother could already be dead. I need to be strong because if those small chances are my reality then hopefully after it breaks me I can pick up a few pieces.

Other than holiday thoughts there is one other thing I wanted to share with you. I know I open each blog with “Hello Readers”, What most of you don’t know is that you aren’t just my readers. Many of you I knew before this blog you are my best friends in the world, you are my newly wedded adoptive sister, you are my campers and teens at Korean Culture Camp, And you are all so dear and close to me. Many of my readers that I didn’t know before this blog have e-mailed me, found me on Facebook or Twitter, And are now my good friends connected by adoption. I want to say thank you. Thank you all for not just reading, But for contacting me and becoming my friend. Thank you all for your support and true understanding. Thank you for your concerns and honest questions. Thank you for being there for me during all of this, My long life adoption journey.

I love you guys so much, And wish you all the best in the pending New Year. I am so lucky our paths have crossed in so many different ways, Thank you for being my friends.

해피 크리스마스 어머니! 저는 여러분 모두가 너무 사랑, 그리고 전 당신의 행사는 따뜻하고 바랍니다. 나는 또한 어떤 심장 통증에서 혼자가 아니라는 그래서, 누군가가 외에 당신이 날 그리워 바랍니다. 내 모든 사랑을 보내기 ... 당신 딸 강.

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

Letter To Foster Mother (My Second Mother)

Dear Mother:

Hello, I am your foster daughter. You gave me my birth name Kang Sun Lee, And now my adoptive and American name is Morgan Claire Pearson. I am searching for you and writing to you so you know that I am alive and doing well. When I was younger I didn’t know much about the foster care I received as a baby. Now that I am older I understand. You raised me the first months of my life, And you are my second mother.
I want you to thank you for being my mother after I lost my birth mother. I want you to know that I love you like a mother and I also care deeply for my foster father and foster brother. After leaving you all I grew up in a good finically stable home. I went to good schools and am attending college. Even though I have no memories of Korea, I miss it because it is my home.

I am currently 20, And turning 21 on February 24th. I have dark brown eyes, And dark brown hair. I have worn glasses since I was 9 years old. My hair is soo long it reaches half way down my back. I am 154cm in height and I weigh 91kg. As you can see in the pictures I have a few dark freckles on my cheek and nose, And my eyebrows are very spaced out. The freckles developed as I got older, But I do still have one Mongolian spot that didn’t disappear. I normally wear pants and an oversized long tank top and a nice sweater over it. I love to wear headbands and long necklaces. What’s interesting about my clothes is that I love to shop at Forever21, And I recently found out that it’s a Korean based store.

I have many different interests in life. I love to go to parks to run and to picnic. I especially love parks around lakes and with water fountains because I love the sound of water so much. I’ve tried making many Korean dishes like bulgogi, duk bok ki, mandu, sujebi, hoddeok, lots of egg side dishes, And kimchi. My bulgogi and kimchi are surprisingly very good, While my duk bok ki and sujebi turn out very badly. I always manage to overcook both! My best Korean dish is my mandu, It is very juicy and crispy! One of my greatest passions is art. No one in my adoptive family is very artistic. I always thought my gift in art was from my birth parents or perhaps influence from you. The other big passion in my life is working with kids specifically Korean adoptees. I volunteer at Korean Culture Camp each summer; It’s always a highlight of each year. I am a good friend, role model, and older sister to many of the campers.

I had a very good education growing up and am still attending to my education now. I went to elementary school, high school and am currently going to college. My first year of college I went to a private visual art school as a Fine Art major. I realized that my love of working with Korean adoptees surpassed my love of art. After one year of art school I transferred to a regular college. I am currently majoring in Sociology with a specialty in Asian-American Social Culture. I am currently writing a book on my personal views and experiences of international adoption. After college I am moving to Korea and teaching English for two years. I want to learn about and live in the culture; I want to be a part of the traditions I never got to experience. I currently only know a handful of Korean words, But I am trying so hard to learn so if we meet one day I can speak with you.

I am a very outgoing and strong girl; I have always been an extrovert. I love to try new things and go to new places. Since I was adopted, I have never gone back to Korea. I have yet to come home to Korea. I am very excited to locate you and meet you. You are my second mother, father, and brother. I want to know about your lives, And hear about my baby time with you.

In parting with this letter I send you my heart, In hopes you will know how dear to me you are. I love you all very much. I have no memories of you, But I hope you can share your memories of me, And we can make new memories together. I hope that you will write back, And I wish on every star that we will meet in the future..

One of your many children,

Searching For Foster Family.

Hello Readers. In my last post I filled you in on my meeting with Kabin, Now I would like to tell you more. She told me some adoptees only search for their foster mother and not their birth parents. Growing up I only knew what American foster care was like, Always bouncing around from home to home, And overall not a good experience. As I got older in high school I had a better understanding of Korean foster care, One family raises you until you are adopted and are sent to live with your adoptive family. But when I talked to Kabin I realized that it’s so much more than a middle man. My foster mother and father, And even brother were my second family. They raised me for the first months of my life. They stepped in for me when my birth mother couldn't. They were there for me when I lost my birth mother, And for that I thank them, For that I love them.

These feelings started welling up when talking to Kabin, And suddenly I was starting the search for my foster mother. Suddenly I was writing her a letter, And it was all just so fast and surreal. I can’t believe I have more chances for a family than I had ever realized before, and I couldn’t be more thankful. I thought the social worker who protected me as a baby, And still kept my original information was my gift this year, And now I find myself with two gifts. This is sooo truly amazing.

I just finished writing my letter to my foster mother and family and will be posting it right after this. I'm also dropping ti off along with pictures for Kabin to send out today!! I read it through one last time, And I started crying again. This woman is my second mother; She loved me and raised me the first months of my life. Foster mothers in Korea remember all of their babies even when they’ve fostered 30 or 50! They remember little things about each baby like their personality. She has real and full memories of me!! Other than my birth mother, There is no one else that can tell me about my life in Korea!! No one else can tell me about my home, But them!!

I even have a foster father and brother. My second mother is about 52-53, I do not know the age of my second father, And my second brother is about 30-31. Can you believe this? I have a second mother, father, and brother!!

Few things could make me happier right now.

어머니!? 엄마, 내 수양 엄마를 아시나요? 그녀는 친구 였나요? 내가 처음 그녀를 만난다면 난 당신이 사진이 내게 너무나 수단으로 그녀가 당신에 대해 작은 것을 말합니다 서로 안다면 바랍니다. 나는 또한 그녀에 대해 배우고 싶다면, 그녀의 가족, 제 가족. 널 사랑하는 어머니, 그리고 저는 바로 지금 세상의 모든 희망을 가지고.

Monday, 19 December 2011

New Information.

Hello Readers. Unlike my past blog this isn’t just flowing out of me.. It’s hard for that to happen because I’m not sure what to think, And I’m trying hard not to let anything sink in too deep.

When I met with Kabin Jordan drove me, And was also in the room when I received the news. I took it strong, Very strong. I did not cry, And I did not hold onto Jordan’s hand. First Kabin showed me a picture of me as a baby and the part of my file that talks about who my mother is. I have seen both before, But it was really comforting to go through that piece first. In my American file it tells of how my birth mother and father and broken up and then she found out she was pregnant and never told him. My Korean file tells a different story.

The statement from my mother says she was sleeping over at a friend’s place, And two male burglars broke in. She was raped.

In all of my research of adoptees searching I have only heard one story where that had been the reason and she learned it straight form her birth mother’s mouth.. But somehow not sleeping the whole night and all that morning I was thinking it would be bad or good news. Good just being a random fact that could help us locate her, or narrow in on her identity more. I guess bad was that she had already passed away but they didn’t have a date or cause of death.. But no, The news was rape.

Kabin asked me how I felt and what I was thinking.. And all I could squeeze out was what I just told you some facts. I was sitting so tight with my back arched so hard that my spine was tingling and going numb. I couldn’t feel my arms or legs like they had disappeared, I couldn’t move. My head started to hurt and I was getting dizzy fast, The room was oscillating and shaking at the same time. Then Kabin said some that broke my body’s own spell. She said that from cases she’s worked 9 out of 10 times when someone if located the sexual assault turns out to be not true. At the time of my adoption they didn’t check the birth mother’s stories or her true identity. They were soo loose on this because they never thought the babies would come back home. So the agency’s only goal was to find homes for babies, And nothing post adoption. Up until a few years after my adoption did Korea face the reality that many of their babies were coming home looking for answers. Kabin told me that because of society it was better to claim rape than admit to having consensual sex with a boyfriend and being a single mom because of it.

Basically the rape story my mother told could be true or not, But I don’t know until someone is located that can confirm or deny these claims. So I guess I’m rolling with the punches for now because I don’t know what they mean yet. Kabin also said my mother’s name might not be Joo Sook Lee. Many times a mother would give out a name and information of a family member or close friend so that if there was the off chance of any updates on their baby it would come from a friend, Like an emotional news buffer.

I’ve been talking to many adopted friends about this most of whom I’ve met online via Facebook, And this blog via my e-mail (, Please feel free :] ), And am very thank full for meeting. Some of them said they’d be so angry if they found out what seems to be like such a serious difference between my American and Korean files. But weather the rape story is true or not, My mother was only trying to protect herself from society and her family and friends. Whoever the social worker was that changed the story for my American file, While I don’t appreciate it being tampered with.. Thank you. Thank you for trying to protect me, Thank you for trying to keep my new future elsewhere pure, And thank you for trying to help me look forward instead of back. Thank you so much for respecting my life and heart enough to not change the story in my Korean file. Thank you so much for protecting me in a world where I thought only I could protect my heart.

If I don’t find my family in time for the holidays, If I don’t get my Christmas wish.. This one act by this unknown social worker will be my gift this year. One of the best presents I have ever received, And something I am truly deeply thankful for. Thank you so much from every piece of my heart.

Now I have a couple other things I want to talk about, But I think I will break them up into another blog. I will probably write it tonight or tomorrow. I’m actually writing this on the 17th at 3:30am, But I’m at a hotel. So paying $10 bucks a day for internet when I just won’t have the net for 2 days isn’t a big deal. Also I’m at the hotel for my sister’s wedding!! So other than not having the net, That’s really why this won’t be posted still I get home Sunday.

당신이 강간한 것인지 모르겠지만, 그리고 내가 아는 어머니는 네 인생이 조금 더 쉽게, 그리고 좀 더 쉽게 나를 포기하기 위해 이야기를 필요로 할 수도 있습니다. 언젠가 진실을 알고 싶어, 당신은 바로 말하지 않아도,하지만 언젠가는 잘 할 필요는 없어. 무슨 과거 않았거나 결과가 지금 문제, 당신 엄마가 아니 사랑 해요. 난 당신을 사랑 해요.

Monday, 12 December 2011

The Korean Agency Has Contacted Back.

Hello Readers! I was out with Jordan tonight to pick up some last minute things he needs for my sister’s wedding. (Yup, He’s my date. We’re going to swing dance during cocktail hour, Lol!) We’re at H&M and I’m trying to get him to see the handsome nerdyness of suspenders when my phone goes off. I take it out of my bag, And the ID says “Children’s Home Society”… Now my social worker Kabin has only called me a couple other times, And I knew those were coming because I had messaged her. I hadn’t messaged her! My heart is skipping beat after beat as I flip open my phone.. Kabin asked what I was doing, And I said shopping for my sister’s wedding, And I’m happy to hear form her. I say all of this in my weird “I’m talking to Kabin” state of shock and scared she might have the worst news of my life.

She says the Korean agency, Eastern Child Welfare Society, Has contacted her and she has new information on my birth mother. I grabbed Jordan’s hand because in the back of my mind I’m still aware I’m in a store at Mall of America, And I am not going to cry in public. Kabin repeats herself because I’m in shock, And asks when I can meet her so she can tell me.

So now I’m meeting her tomorrow at 12. She said she can tell me the information she knows, And it’s not a lot, And not to be freaked out right now. She also said we can talk about everything and see what we want to do next and how, And the next step for the search is locating… Locating my family. Oh my god. This means I could get the thing I’ve been wishing for since I was a little girl, I could get everything I have been begging and hoping for my whole life. This is truly amazing, and scary, And I am so over whelmed. Just imagine the one miracle you have always need and wanted to happen in your life, That’s what I’m aiming to make happen for me.

Of course in the back of my mind this could also be bad news, crushing news, news that will break my heart in ways I can’t even believe are possible.. This could be really bad, And of course I’d still push to search for other family, And learn about her through them, And give the love I’ve always planned for them, And all the love I have been saving for her… But on the brighter side of the moon.. I could be getting back all the missing pieces that were taken away from me when I was four months old… And in this case, Every little piece does count and mean more to than every breath I have taken.

어머니 .. 당신에 대한 소식을 알게입니다. 그것이 최근의 경우 있을까, 아니면 그것은 행복 또는 슬픈면. 나는 어떤 문제가 그것이 좋은 것이 얼마나 미미한지를 않습니다 바랍니다. 이 나에게 기쁨이 아닌 고통을 가져다 바랍니다. 이 다시 건너 우리의 삶에 happ 단계입니다 바랍니다. 난 당신이 물 사랑은 떨어져 강과 바다의 사랑이되고 싶어.

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Pumpkin's Adoption Story [Part One]

Hello Readers. If you haven’t read my past blogs my cat died a bit ago. His name was Panther and the past year of his life he had been sick on and off, And passed on his own. I haven’t cried over losing him yet because I refuse too. He was the only living thing in this house that somehow new I was in pain, And that I had true reason to constantly be sad. I get close, And my eyes well up to the point the wall of water feels like it’s going to burst, And then I make a fist and choke it down like a giant glug of water. Him knowing in some way or another helped me cope growing up. In truth it kills me he’s not here.

Today me and Jordan were going to Chipotle for lunch, And there were signs all over Burnsville that a rescue called Last Hope was at Pet Co. I met a very sweet black cat with green eyes, Almost 4 months old, Who had the same white markings as Panther. I took Pumpkin home. I spent all day sitting with him; He was so scared of everything. At night he suddenly sprung to life and started really walking around and running up to me, rubbed against me. Not long after he started to have fun he realized his two brothers, sister, and mother weren’t there playing with him. He started looking around everywhere, meowing and crying and calling for them. He wasn’t getting answered. He kept looking back at me so confused and scared. He’s only 4 months old, The same age I was at my adoption.

Now I’m scared as hell that I just did something completely horrible to him, And it’s not like I can afford a second cat! I’m completely freaking out. If I were him I’d hate me, I’d hate me so much and I’d never forgive me for trying to make me be ok with a new home when I know I have family somewhere else. I mean I’m not crazy and don’t think animals are just like humans, And I’d never push him around in a stroller, But biologically they must feel something. They know when their playmates are gone, And when their mother isn’t there. I wonder if I knew I wasn’t in Korea anymore. I wonder if I was freaked out by suddenly being in a sea of white face because I sure as hell am now.

I had to barrow a carrier from the woman who ran the shelter. I’m supposed to drop it off tomorrow. When Pumpkin got brave enough he found the carrier and started climbing on it, Trying to get inside so I unlocked it and he walked in.. Straight to the back and never came out. So now he’s just bunkered in there. Most people would think it’s a familiar smell and object, It’s a transition object, Or a security blanket. I think he knows he has to be in it to get to new places, Like he knows he has to be in it a second time to go home.. I think he thinks getting in it means he’ll get to go home.

I must be pretty fucking messed up if I can’t even adopt a cat. I’ve been saying for the past few years I think some people are just too damaged, And meant to be alone. Every little thing makes me believe that more and more. Every time I tell someone that they’re very sweet and say hey I’m sure people understand, guys would be accepting of it, And blah blah blah. What people aren’t getting is that I’m not saying that for their sympathy! I get that enough from Asian woman looking at me with their said eyes. I say it in hopes that someone else can belive it too, That they see it too. I do truly believe that now! I’ve been to so many funerals of friends and family and not one went peacefully. I have fucking funerals clothes in my closet right now. I’ve changed friends millions of times, because I can’t trust people with the words I’m telling you now and they’d never understand anyways. What’s the point of being an intelligent extrovert when all it ends up doing is isolating me from having the stupid bliss of others? Why be confident and smart when it just means I can’t be friends with normal outgoing people because they won’t understand anything I say, And all my nerdy friends do horrible hanging out all together? Can I not even have any sort of normal companionship like a simple pet?

I don’t know what I’m going to do about Pumpkin.. If he’s better tomorrow I think we’ll be fine, But otherwise.. I can’t keep him here knowing he’s still searching the house for them.

Also one of my 4 best friends called me the other night. He was high all day and drunk when he called. I basically spent a couple hours talking him off a ledge. He said he didn’t know how I kept doing this, And honestly I don’t even know. When did this become normal for me? How seriously messed up am I that any of what I have written is normal for me? None of this should be normal for anyone. Welcome to the life of my adoption.

엄마? 어디있는 거니? 내가 너무 늦으면 내가 당신을 찾거나 수없는 경우 어떻게됩니까? 난 내가 고양이를 입양도되는지 잘 모르겠어요 .. 어떻게 내가 나가있는 가족을 시작 윌리? 나는 태양의 따뜻함, 그리고 물의 시원함보다 당신을 사랑해. 당신은 내 공기하고 내가 들고 숨을 수 없습니다. 내 행복들을 제발, 내 슬픔을 알고 제발, 내 사랑을 주시기 바랍니다, 날 찾아주세요!

Saturday, 3 December 2011

White Washed & Brainwashed.

Hello Readers. Three posts all back to back, Wow.

“These people were wrenched from their homeland, And disappeared into the cold seas of the Atlantic, Forgotten until today… I’d like to present the victims of the Amalia Rose…” Cam on Bones.

For starters by no means am I saying adoption is anything close to the inhumanities of slavery, But right now like back then a whole group of people is being looked over. Adoptees are imported to fill roles we have not signed up for. Growing up it was embedded in my mind that I should be grateful to be adopted into of all countries America. I should be grateful I have white parents, And the white privilege that comes along with it. I should be happy to be attracted to white males because that is the most socially accepted relationship in my Anglo-Saxon community. I should feel fortunate that I know of America and nothing else. According to everyone one I have ever met I should be so happy that adoption “saved my life”.

Please understand I am thankful for financial stability and my education, But I was saved from nothing! I was taken away from my home; The country where my family lived and died! Their bodies are in that soil, Not here! I can’t open my mouth and tell them how much I love them because the language I was made for does not exist in my mind. Almost 21 years of life and all I have ever really known is America. All I ever learned is how to be white. White family, White friends, Only dating white guys, Having half white babies are all things that are considered me bettering myself.

When you say white washed me is a better me, That means Korean me just wasn’t good enough. Being a Korean girl and Korean daughter just wasn’t good enough for America. You had to fix me; I had to be changed to accommodate you. I had to lose my real name because Korean Kang Sun just wasn’t as good as the American Morgan Claire. All I got from growing up is that if I lived white, If I lived American, Than I am almost as good as you. What is the point of submerging me in your culture, And suffocating me until you smother the Korean out? All you do when you’re done is tell me my hair will never be blonde, I will always tan dark in the sun, And my eyes will never be as blue or shaped like yours. I am weird for having hair that will do anything. I am hokum that can’t burn in the sun. I am a complete freak to have almond shaped eyes; I am a total alien to you. What is the point of suffocating me into a lifeless body? To you Korean and Chinese are laughably the same people. But I know that you are all Caucasian and that there is a difference between Norwegian, Swedish, German, And Irish. Still I am just a silly China doll for you to dress up however you want, And throw aside because I am not white enough to play with.

Why does race even matter? Why does race have to matter? Why is race the only thing that matters? I wish I had larger eyes, I wish I had creased eyelids, And I wish I could get the surgery to look western like you. It makes me so sick and discussed that I have been wishing for that since I was 12. You all took turns white washing me.. Now for once look at what you have done!

내 마음이 섬의 세계에서 가장 긴 사슬처럼 생각하는 생각에서 수영이다 .. 어머니 당신은 서양 볼시겠습니까? 좀 더 서쪽되고 싶어요있을 딸과 아들을합니까? 난 흰 빨래부터 세뇌당한 느낌 ... 저는 한국과 아무것도 작성되지 할로윈 바랍니다. 저는 여러분 모두에게 너무나 사랑 해요.

Friday, 2 December 2011

Even A Trip To Ikea.

Hello again, And so soon readers. Today I roamed Ikea with a friend to check out/test out some new furniture, But I ended up wondering what kind of life I could have one day. Maybe I liked the hard lines and sterile environment of a contemporary style because being warm is a danger zone to me. Or maybe I just like the architecture of the angular work with small splashes of organic accents. I questioned myself further than what could or could not happen with my relationships. I wondered if I could find the forgiveness in me to be able to get married, And have a child of my own.. I found myself yet again torn between races and my search for identity running me in twisting circles.

Biologically if I married a Korean guy we’d have 100% Korean babies; The type of child I am most comfortable with. If I married a Caucasian man our child would be mixed, But my genes being dominate they’d look more like me. It’s the struggle of me letting them explore what it means to be a white American. Then again if it was a tall Caucasian fellow they would still be mixed, But would have a higher chance at a “normal” height by American standards. Being short is hard as a kid and in adulthood, But at the same time for many it’s a part of being Korean.

It seems like such a small part of the week to go to Ikea and check out some pieces. For me as an adoptee it flooded my mind of how will I build a family if I can’t find my birth family. It seems almost silly, But it’s the little things that bring up my thoughts of adoption. It’s the Asian couple walking together, And the white toddles staring at my face. It’s the 5 year old Korean adoptee with her white mom looking at me thinking, “She looks like me… I wonder if her parents look like her too”. It’s the Korean woman passing me by giving me that warm loving smile, and saddest eyes swimming in pity. It’s the eight family members at the Asian markets running around all speaking words I was meant to understand, But I can barely say hello. It’s me trying not to cry because I can’t read anything on the damn shelf, And all I want is a tub of fucking red pepper paste!! It’s me getting home and opening the tub to find its shrimp paste!! It’s feeling my hands go numb, Dropping the small green bowl and breaking it on the floor, Because I can’t stop crying for the life of me!!!

Sometimes when I scream it feels like she can hear me, Like my mother knows how upset I am for being so in the dark on who I was supposed to be. If the search doesn’t go through, What will I do? What can I do? How do I start a family of my own when a stupid trip to Ikea puts my mind in pieces, And just seeing the other shoppers makes me want to run and hide.

I think some people are just too damaged to be repaired. Finding my birth family would be a miracle. Growing up in the states has only taught me not to believe miracles can happen; There is no God conducting magic for us. We are all just humans; We only have magic we have was written by J.K. Rowling and she’s from the UK.

매일은 통과 도전 느낌, 그리고 매 순간 당신이 어머니를 생각합니다. 당신이 어디에 있을까, 그리고 열심히있다면 나를 나가있는 가족을 시작하십시오. 나는 깊은 어두운 푸른 바다를 작성 한 방울보다 당신을 사랑해.