Saturday, 31 December 2011

Christmas Day.

Hello Readers. I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell happened Christmas Day, And well.. It was beyond weird! I ended up at two Christmases.. TWO!!!

I found myself at Jordan’s Grandparents because I apparently owed I to his family (Dad), Because Jordan missed Church the eve before to help me through my awkward “Family” Christmas dinner with my adoptive parents. So I had the pleasure in dealing with his dad’s silent pissyness towards me from 1:30-6pm, Just lovely. From there we had to go to Jordan’s disconnected aunt’s Christmas. Where nobody talked to me, Although his 15 year old cousin stared at my chest from the moment I walked in till we left. Again, Another a lovely Christmas well spent. On the drive home I not only wanted a drink, I needed one. I just kept focusing on that and the horrible awkwardness of the day and evening vs on myself. This is the first Christmas I didn’t cry in the bathroom, and I still haven’t cried.. Sometimes I feel like I just give up on being accepted into any family. My own adoptive parents can’t accept me and never will. I’m not sure why I bother trying to meld into another family.

Family. It’s an odd word to me. I want it so badly, And yet I’ve never had it. How can you miss and cry over something you’ve never had? How can I miss my birth mother when I don’t even know what she looks like? What’s the point in wasting time and energy in missing and wanting something you’ve gone your whole life without?

To answer all of that I think it’s like how I do my makeup and why I do it that way. A lot of times I add a little sparkling white eye shadow on the inner corners of my eyes.. It makes my eyes look bigger and more open.. Unfortunately like every other girl who does their eyes the same it’s because white American eyes are so much bigger.. So much prettier to white American men.

It makes me feel sick when I think about why I do my makeup the way I do. It makes me sick to think back to when I was 12 and first wanted to get surgery for bigger wider eyes. I used to squish my eye around in the mirror and pull on it to see what I’d look like with rounder, bigger, white American eyes. I wanted something that I was told to be the most beautiful, And what was normal. I love my birth mother because she is a part of me, And I want to know me. But I miss her because I grew being told a mother was all these things I never had in my adoptive mom, All sorts of things I missed out on not having my real mother.

This Christmas instead of missing my real family, I got to observe family and it made me feel sick about everything I grew up with and wanting.

어머니 저는 아름다운 한국어 욕탕 나는 모습 한국어 사랑 해요. 저는 자랑스럽게 생각합니다.

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