Hello Readers. If you haven’t read my past blogs my cat died a bit ago. His name was Panther and the past year of his life he had been sick on and off, And passed on his own. I haven’t cried over losing him yet because I refuse too. He was the only living thing in this house that somehow new I was in pain, And that I had true reason to constantly be sad. I get close, And my eyes well up to the point the wall of water feels like it’s going to burst, And then I make a fist and choke it down like a giant glug of water. Him knowing in some way or another helped me cope growing up. In truth it kills me he’s not here.
Today me and Jordan were going to Chipotle for lunch, And there were signs all over Burnsville that a rescue called Last Hope was at Pet Co. I met a very sweet black cat with green eyes, Almost 4 months old, Who had the same white markings as Panther. I took Pumpkin home. I spent all day sitting with him; He was so scared of everything. At night he suddenly sprung to life and started really walking around and running up to me, rubbed against me. Not long after he started to have fun he realized his two brothers, sister, and mother weren’t there playing with him. He started looking around everywhere, meowing and crying and calling for them. He wasn’t getting answered. He kept looking back at me so confused and scared. He’s only 4 months old, The same age I was at my adoption.
Now I’m scared as hell that I just did something completely horrible to him, And it’s not like I can afford a second cat! I’m completely freaking out. If I were him I’d hate me, I’d hate me so much and I’d never forgive me for trying to make me be ok with a new home when I know I have family somewhere else. I mean I’m not crazy and don’t think animals are just like humans, And I’d never push him around in a stroller, But biologically they must feel something. They know when their playmates are gone, And when their mother isn’t there. I wonder if I knew I wasn’t in Korea anymore. I wonder if I was freaked out by suddenly being in a sea of white face because I sure as hell am now.
I had to barrow a carrier from the woman who ran the shelter. I’m supposed to drop it off tomorrow. When Pumpkin got brave enough he found the carrier and started climbing on it, Trying to get inside so I unlocked it and he walked in.. Straight to the back and never came out. So now he’s just bunkered in there. Most people would think it’s a familiar smell and object, It’s a transition object, Or a security blanket. I think he knows he has to be in it to get to new places, Like he knows he has to be in it a second time to go home.. I think he thinks getting in it means he’ll get to go home.
I must be pretty fucking messed up if I can’t even adopt a cat. I’ve been saying for the past few years I think some people are just too damaged, And meant to be alone. Every little thing makes me believe that more and more. Every time I tell someone that they’re very sweet and say hey I’m sure people understand, guys would be accepting of it, And blah blah blah. What people aren’t getting is that I’m not saying that for their sympathy! I get that enough from Asian woman looking at me with their said eyes. I say it in hopes that someone else can belive it too, That they see it too. I do truly believe that now! I’ve been to so many funerals of friends and family and not one went peacefully. I have fucking funerals clothes in my closet right now. I’ve changed friends millions of times, because I can’t trust people with the words I’m telling you now and they’d never understand anyways. What’s the point of being an intelligent extrovert when all it ends up doing is isolating me from having the stupid bliss of others? Why be confident and smart when it just means I can’t be friends with normal outgoing people because they won’t understand anything I say, And all my nerdy friends do horrible hanging out all together? Can I not even have any sort of normal companionship like a simple pet?
I don’t know what I’m going to do about Pumpkin.. If he’s better tomorrow I think we’ll be fine, But otherwise.. I can’t keep him here knowing he’s still searching the house for them.
Also one of my 4 best friends called me the other night. He was high all day and drunk when he called. I basically spent a couple hours talking him off a ledge. He said he didn’t know how I kept doing this, And honestly I don’t even know. When did this become normal for me? How seriously messed up am I that any of what I have written is normal for me? None of this should be normal for anyone. Welcome to the life of my adoption.
엄마? 어디있는 거니? 내가 너무 늦으면 내가 당신을 찾거나 수없는 경우 어떻게됩니까? 난 내가 고양이를 입양도되는지 잘 모르겠어요 .. 어떻게 내가 나가있는 가족을 시작 윌리? 나는 태양의 따뜻함, 그리고 물의 시원함보다 당신을 사랑해. 당신은 내 공기하고 내가 들고 숨을 수 없습니다. 내 행복들을 제발, 내 슬픔을 알고 제발, 내 사랑을 주시기 바랍니다, 날 찾아주세요!