Hello Readers. Unlike my past blog this isn’t just flowing out of me.. It’s hard for that to happen because I’m not sure what to think, And I’m trying hard not to let anything sink in too deep.
When I met with Kabin Jordan drove me, And was also in the room when I received the news. I took it strong, Very strong. I did not cry, And I did not hold onto Jordan’s hand. First Kabin showed me a picture of me as a baby and the part of my file that talks about who my mother is. I have seen both before, But it was really comforting to go through that piece first. In my American file it tells of how my birth mother and father and broken up and then she found out she was pregnant and never told him. My Korean file tells a different story.
The statement from my mother says she was sleeping over at a friend’s place, And two male burglars broke in. She was raped.
In all of my research of adoptees searching I have only heard one story where that had been the reason and she learned it straight form her birth mother’s mouth.. But somehow not sleeping the whole night and all that morning I was thinking it would be bad or good news. Good just being a random fact that could help us locate her, or narrow in on her identity more. I guess bad was that she had already passed away but they didn’t have a date or cause of death.. But no, The news was rape.
Kabin asked me how I felt and what I was thinking.. And all I could squeeze out was what I just told you some facts. I was sitting so tight with my back arched so hard that my spine was tingling and going numb. I couldn’t feel my arms or legs like they had disappeared, I couldn’t move. My head started to hurt and I was getting dizzy fast, The room was oscillating and shaking at the same time. Then Kabin said some that broke my body’s own spell. She said that from cases she’s worked 9 out of 10 times when someone if located the sexual assault turns out to be not true. At the time of my adoption they didn’t check the birth mother’s stories or her true identity. They were soo loose on this because they never thought the babies would come back home. So the agency’s only goal was to find homes for babies, And nothing post adoption. Up until a few years after my adoption did Korea face the reality that many of their babies were coming home looking for answers. Kabin told me that because of society it was better to claim rape than admit to having consensual sex with a boyfriend and being a single mom because of it.
Basically the rape story my mother told could be true or not, But I don’t know until someone is located that can confirm or deny these claims. So I guess I’m rolling with the punches for now because I don’t know what they mean yet. Kabin also said my mother’s name might not be Joo Sook Lee. Many times a mother would give out a name and information of a family member or close friend so that if there was the off chance of any updates on their baby it would come from a friend, Like an emotional news buffer.
I’ve been talking to many adopted friends about this most of whom I’ve met online via Facebook, And this blog via my e-mail (KangsunLee1991@gmail.com, Please feel free :] ), And am very thank full for meeting. Some of them said they’d be so angry if they found out what seems to be like such a serious difference between my American and Korean files. But weather the rape story is true or not, My mother was only trying to protect herself from society and her family and friends. Whoever the social worker was that changed the story for my American file, While I don’t appreciate it being tampered with.. Thank you. Thank you for trying to protect me, Thank you for trying to keep my new future elsewhere pure, And thank you for trying to help me look forward instead of back. Thank you so much for respecting my life and heart enough to not change the story in my Korean file. Thank you so much for protecting me in a world where I thought only I could protect my heart.
If I don’t find my family in time for the holidays, If I don’t get my Christmas wish.. This one act by this unknown social worker will be my gift this year. One of the best presents I have ever received, And something I am truly deeply thankful for. Thank you so much from every piece of my heart.
Now I have a couple other things I want to talk about, But I think I will break them up into another blog. I will probably write it tonight or tomorrow. I’m actually writing this on the 17th at 3:30am, But I’m at a hotel. So paying $10 bucks a day for internet when I just won’t have the net for 2 days isn’t a big deal. Also I’m at the hotel for my sister’s wedding!! So other than not having the net, That’s really why this won’t be posted still I get home Sunday.
당신이 강간한 것인지 모르겠지만, 그리고 내가 아는 어머니는 네 인생이 조금 더 쉽게, 그리고 좀 더 쉽게 나를 포기하기 위해 이야기를 필요로 할 수도 있습니다. 언젠가 진실을 알고 싶어, 당신은 바로 말하지 않아도,하지만 언젠가는 잘 할 필요는 없어. 무슨 과거 않았거나 결과가 지금 문제, 당신 엄마가 아니 사랑 해요. 난 당신을 사랑 해요.