Saturday, 17 June 2017

Identity Crisis.

Hello Readers. How do feel about your identity? Do you know who you are, does it ever evolve, and do you have support in who you are? This constant identity crisis is so exhausting.

[Disclaimer: When we first started dating I told Ducky our biggest incompatibility was I see things as a world issue and he only sees things on an indidualistc level. I can't believe that so many different groups are fighting for the same cause for different reasons all over the wold, and he can't believe something happened to one person. We disagree on how to help people vs person and on where to value validity. Neither of these perspectives are right or wrong.]

For instance, Ducky and I had a huge argument the other day. He thinks that until a person is more educated and has language to define themselves they don't need to tell their partner. I think feeling who you identify as is different from who you say you are should be told to your partner. Psychologically withholding information hurts people the same way as a blunt lie. Lying is lying. Relationships mean consenting to the relationship. Lying to your partner means taking away their consent to what they know the situation to be.

I kept telling my him that all identity crisis follow the same social steps, and he was invalidating me saying I was doing an injustice to myself and the LGBTQ+ community for the comparision. But in you don't just wake up as an adult and suddenly decide or realize you're gay. I didn't suddenly wake up and think I was Korean. Somewhere inside you know you feel different. You may not have the language for it, you may not know the labels you identify as, but even as a child you can feel it. 

I see this type of lying all the time. People conforming to heterosexualism, while knowing inside it's a chosen life style and not how they romantically or sexually feel. Korean adoptees conforming to Western-Caucasian idealsim, while knowing it's a chosen lifestyle and not who they are inside. I'm using the word "chosen" loosely here, because some of us choose to hide and others need to hide for protection. I chose to hide for many years because I was too scared to tell my adoptive parents, and I also needed to hide for social survival within my extended family and peers. Unfortunately, hiding my skin is a bit different than hiding sexuality and people chose to exploite me for how I looked too.

Even when I was 2 years old and about to turn 3, I know and felt inside that I was Korean and not American or white like my family. Those thoughts and feelings are my earliest memories during the couple of weeks of planning my 3rd birthday. I don't really remember the party, but I remember being kind of sad to see all my cousins and knowing I needed to act a certain way. I didn't have the language  and I wish instead of hiding who I felt I was, I had just told my adoptive parents. Had I just said how I felt inside.. That may have saved us from years of turmoil and myself from being abused.

It wasn't until I was 14 or so that I literally came out to my adoptive parents that I identified as Korean and not American. They were horrified. My adoptive dad even said he didn't understand why I liked ramen and it's not like my birth parents were looking for me. I came out again a year ago telling my adoptive mom that I identified as a woman of color. She was surprised, but my honesty and updating her on my identity crisis was helpful. She just asscept it without question. It was actually a really nice moment.

I see identity crisis as effecting everyone in all different groups fighting for the same cause to be themselves. Ducky views things as happening to individuals and each case being so uniquely different, meaning he doesn't believe not sharing your feelings of identity with your partner is lying. Right now, this is putting us in a difficult grey area of trust. For my lying is lying, and for him it's not black and white. Even though it wasn't his intention, I feel like he doesn't understand my identity crisis and doesn't value my understanding of it. 

At the end of the day, I still feel like I need to explain who I am all the time. And to everyone.. 


Wednesday, 7 June 2017

Say My Name.

Hello Readers. Lee, Kang Sun is my birth name. A name that I have not been called since I was 4 months old in Korea. When will anyone call me that again? 

I've been thinking about my name a lot lately and how I said I was done defending it. But now I'm feeling this new longing for my full birth name to matter. I've never even heard my adoptive parents say it.. 

It's strange for it to be forbidden in the walls of my childhood home, but strangers on the street will ask for my Korean name or whatever I was called before adoption. How can something so secret be assumed open by the public? Don't they get that adoption is not lollipops and sun shine? 

Adoption means birth parents are grieving the loss of a child. It means adoptive parents are grieving the loss of biological love. It means a baby may never see home again.. It means a baby may have to wait till her 16th birthday to go through her adoptive parents' office to find out her real name. Me, I did that.

Why do some adoptees get to have both their names mashed up or their birth name set as their middle name? Why do other adoptees starve to never know?

I'd give anything to hear my mother call me KangSun. It would mean the world for me to hear my mom call me Kang. 

I wish I didn't need these things to feel complete. I wish I was def to this.