Sunday, 29 September 2013

A Lonely Holiday.

Hello Readers. So I hurried home from work today all excited because after a month of super cut hours, this week and next week are finally full! I was pretty happy and pleased with myself. On the way to my room, I popped a seat in the computer room to tell my adoptive mom I won't be so bored to death. She replied by informing me my adoptive dad and her will be flying out to see my sister in Arizona for Christmas.

I'm spending Christmas alone.

She caught me so off guard all I could say was, "Well I hate the holidays anyway so.." I walked out and my heart just sank.. I am so mad at them for leaving me during one of the hardest times of year. The biggest day for celebrating family, to be around the people who are supposed to love you the most.. And they're leaving me.

This is one of those times I wish I had someone to call. I'm just crying my eyes out becuaseoming I'm at such a total loss. They've been devastating me my whole life, but this.. This is a whole new league that I am not ready for. I'll be in this frosted house by myself for the holidays. I don't even know what else to say. I need to find a way to be stronger than this; I have to..

I'll be alone on Christmas; Winter is truly the coldest time of the year.


Saturday, 21 September 2013

Leaving Home, Funeral March.

Hello Readers. I know I haven't touched many details on my trip home. I'm still not ready to talk about it; I'm not sure if and when that will be possible. I actually have this weird buffer story when my friends ask about it. I think I'd cry on the spot if I told someone what happened. Truthfully not even Double D knows exactly what happened, and how things are with him right now.. So no one knows the truth of what happened in Korea, and I have no one to confess to. 

What I'm ready to share with you all now is something I wrote during my last movements home, when I was at the airport alone..

I'm sitting at my gate 3 hours early.. Every line I've stood in has been a funeral march, like I'm letting the Korean girl I finally met die again. I've kept a stiff upper lip, but it would be so truly therapeutic to start bawling and breaking down right now. It's taken me 22 years to get here, and after a short 6 weeks I have to leave my home, Again. The cruel part is having to force myself onto the plane. It's like giving yourself up for adoption again, but you're an adult and you can stop it. Damn it I wish I could just fucking stop this.

I stayed up last night and didn't sleep at the airport either. I was actually a little delusional when I got on the plane. I ended up falling asleep while taxiing and taking off. Who would have thought I'd have slept through leaving home. I'm glad a I did though.. It's better than crying on the plane like last time.. 


Friday, 13 September 2013

What If I can't Have Children?

Hello Readers. Last night I turned on How I Met Your Mother. **Spoiler Alert: Season 7, episode 18** It's the episode where Kevin asked Robbin to marry him. Before she can say yes she has to tell him that she's unable to have children,. And they break up. This made me think about how my friends always tell me I'm Robbin. Running from relationships, not wanting kids, maybe wanting one kid, wondering if I could ever adopt, knowing I could never abort or give up my child.. But it also made me think of something else.

I have been sexually active since I was 15. I've had 6 partners that I've had sex with, and 95% of time it's been unprotected. Now let me be clear, If you are having sex you should protect yourself. I have been extremely lucky in not getting pregnant and never contracting a sexually transmitted disease. That being said I know it's horrifying irresponsible and immature, but I absolutely hate condoms! I'm a total bro on using condoms, Plus fluid bonding is pretty wicked hot. I'm a terrible woman for not protecting myself.

But the fact that I never protect myself makes me wonder.. Am I really just that lucky, or is something really wrong?

When a guy didn't pull out in time or we decided to just have fun and not care, I always got Plan B in the morning. And I've always had my period. There was nothing more to worry about than not getting pregnant. But now I'm 22 and I know I'm hoping my next relationship(s) will lead to marriage and a family.

With that in mind, How can I let someone really love me before I know if family will be an option with me? How can I let someone walk in a house that may never hold a cradle. So today I'm going to sit my adoptive mom down and tell her my concerns.. If there's anything in my life that she has to understand it's this. I need to know.

Normally I'd realize needing to do something super big and important, and then put it off for 3 weeks. But this time I'm doing it as soon as possible. Family is too important to me to put on hold due to fear. Plus regardless of how the news goes, I do have someone very special to tell. Incredibly special.

Double D and I are officially together. We are boyfriend and girlfriend, even Facebook says so. I'm a hair still walking on egg shells, gonna let it settle in before counting all the stars. We both have a lot going on in our lives, but we joke/talk about the what ifs. Now I'm not saying we're already planning a family or are making a crazy dash to the finish line. But we (mostly he) say what ifs all the time like.. What if we got engaged soon, what if we got married right now, what about kids, and what about living in Korea/Japan.

Now days it's a lot more acceptable for people to get married even through their 30s. But Double D is closing his mid 20s and I'm closing my early 20s. But he knows I look at this relationship as something that could lead to family. He actually said something to the effect of, "But I mean that's what you want right? A family." And I said "Yes of course." We're both still looking for ourselves, but I think we both have the idea that this relationship or if there's ones after us, they all are with a hope at an end goal.

I'd like to think that one day I'll find myself as mentally healed as possible. In love with someone who's in love with me, a real stable relationship that leads to marriage. But without knowing if it's possible for me to carry a child first.. It really comes down to I'm either the luckiest girl in the world and need find birth control that works for me, or my adoptive mom and I have the worst thing in common and it's not her bullheadedness.

If I'm unable to have children and never find my mother.. What a slap in the face that would be. I always hear adoptees say they have something more special than other bio parents. They have a deeper more magical connection, because when they first see their child that's the first time they've met someone with the same face as theirs.

I'm really scared I might not be able to have children.


Thursday, 12 September 2013

One Day I'll Let Her Go.

Hello Readers. I actually wrote this last night, but it was really late so I didn't get to posting until now. I'm currently working on another blog right now, but I wanted to get this out first,

Tonight I'm at the park. It's a small lovely park with water features and a soothing amount of lights. It's my safe place and my haven. The place I ran to as a kid when things at home were too much to bare and things with my lovers felt too perfect to be safe. I swear when I'm here it's like my own little world. It's where everything else gets paused and I can just breath.

Fun Fact: This is also the safe place I think of when I get too stressed out. It totally works, therapy kicks ass!

Tonight I'm thinking of my mother. I'm not wondering where she is or crying my eyes out over the separation. I wonder how much searching I'll do until I accept she's gone. Will it be when I'm married and have my own kids? Or will I go crazy and snap? Will I wake up one morning and know it's time, and softly whisper goodbye while sipping morning tea.

Maybe every year until I pass I'll contact my adoption agency to boost my search and hope for the best. An anniversary for it sounds nice, but could I handle that kind of yearly disappointment? Or would it almost become mundane through the years of finding nothing.

I can see me old and grey in the hospital.. Holding my husband's hand, my eyes full of tears.. Telling him, "This is it, this is the end of the line, no more searching.. I have to accept she's gone." I'm not sure how my search will end one day, and I don't know when.. But I'm terrified of the day I give it up. I'm scared for her to really be gone.

Part of me hopes I have a super awesome kid who loves Korean things. I hope they fall in love with Korea and see it as a form of home. I hope they know that's where Mommy's and Grandma's hearts are. When I do pass I hope my child goes to Korea at least one last time to feel us both. They get to feel my love everyday, see my face, and know their father is a good person that loves and respects their mother. I need them to go to Korea and feel our lost family's love..

Nothing is more important than family. If my child learns anything from me it will be how much family means and how much love matters.


Friday, 6 September 2013


Hello Readers. Lets jump right in. When I was growing I used to write letters to my mother all the time. When I had a more serious relationship I'd tell her about the guy, hoping maybe one day those letters would matter. I'd write thinking one day I'd meet her and she's read through what was going through my head from when my husband and I first started dating. She'd read about our happiness and our trials. We'd get a glimpse of what it would have been like had she given me her motherly advice.

Now days that seems so stupid to do. I wish I could call her up after a weird date or a really good one. I wish I could stop by for tea and tell her how I almost cried over a boy. I wish when I cried late at night I could call her up or shoot her text to meet me for coffee in the morning, but if she was right there all the time.. I wouldn't have so much to cry about.

Double D always tells me I can call him when I need someone to cry to. That he's there for me. Plus him and everyone else don't believe I cry. I guess I'm too strong of a kid. Now when I have the balls to call someone, to trust someone, to tell them I love them.. It's all perfectly timed with having no one answering.

If I had someone to call I'd be screaming into the phone that I am so mad! That I really do hope my mother is happy and has a family! But if she was going to have this normal simple life why can't I be apart of it now! Why won't she put her name on something so I can find her, or better yet why isn't she or one of my siblings looking for me! Why do they get our mother! Why do they get a real dad! Why do they get to be made from joy and love! Why did I get shafted and have to be from hate, rape, and be American! It is not fair.

If I had her number I'd call her up right now and cry into the phone begging her for those things! I want all of those things. I had a lame suburban up bringing, but I never had the family or loving parents part. I had a loving mother, but I never got to know her or have a childhood with her. And the siblings I hope I have, they got the loving mother and the childhood. All I had was the basketball hoop and no one to play with or teach me how to hold the ball. All I had was the bat and figured out how choke it when other parents yelled it. It's funny to think many of my friends now that used to play soccer. They still have soccer shit all over their house, and I don't. My parents never came to anything, so we don't display memories they weren't apart of.

So tonight I'm in bed. There is no one next me and I have no one to call. I am alone. Crying about the childhood I never had and the parenting I never got. Upset that my $200 cellphone is completely useless and wondering why I bother to charge it.

I wish I had someone to call.

Monday, 2 September 2013

Dear Daddy: You Raped Mommy.

Hello Readers. This is a blog none of us expected. I've accepted negotiating my relationship with my adoptive family. I've accepted that I'm culturally Caucasian-American. I've accepted that I'll never be fully Korean, and I've accepted that I'm a rape baby. But you know what I haven't face yet? My mother's rapist. I kept my focus on her and only viewed him as a faceless rapist. But he is not faceless.. When I look in the mirror I see him everyday; Half of me is him. Regardless of the violent way it came about, He is my father and I am his daughter. This is my letter to daddy.

Dear Father--

I wish you had been a better person. I wish you weren't a burglar. I wish you hadn't hurt my mother and her friend. I wish you had been someone else. Someone nice, and kind, who loved my mother. Someone who could love me as their daughter. I wish my father had been a good guy, who met and respected my mother. Someone who cared so much about her he fallen in love, but instead I have you. And you hurt us.

You stole her innocence; you took the joy out of her first pregnancy. You made it so she could not keep her first born child, her first daughter. You made me come into this world through the most dark and hateful act. You made it so bad that I couldn't stay with my own mother. You are a monster, or at least you used to be.. I feel so much anger towards you for being that way. No matter how much you've changed, or how much you regret the actions of your youth you are too late for sorry. You have already wrecked everything my mother and I could of had together.

You took away my Korean childhood, you took away my real family, and you are the reason why I grew up American. Your dark hateful action is the reason why I'm white. You took my home away from me. You are the reason why I will never be fully Korean. You are why I have the heart ripping search for my family. You treated my mother like she was worthless. And all those thoughts and feelings transcended to me as a baby in utero through amniotic fluid. If you don't know what that means Father, let me explain..

I was born with abnormal levels of what average stress, anxiety, and depression are. On a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 are average feelings, I am at a constant 10. Because of your actions I've had severe stress, anxiety, and depression since I was a baby. Because of the sexually abusive cycle tyou started, I've been molested by several different characters since I was a child.

Father I know you're reading this and are wondering why the heck does this kid of some woman you rapped 22 years ago keep calling you father. Well something that you need to realize, something that I only today realized.. is all of these terrible things that have happened to me.. Being raised white, not being able to be a full Korean, being submitted to psychologically abusive adoptive parents, and being sexually abused from elementary school through my early college years.. These are all things that you caused the spark of. These are all terrible terrible things that happened TO YOUR DAUGHTER.

Yes, I am your daughter. Yes, I am your child. You have a baby out of a rape you caused. You may be on the straight and narrow now. You may have done your service in the Korean army honorably. You might have gone to school and work a steady honest job. You may volunteer and help better your community. You may even be married and have beautiful children now. But you can't count me out of the family Father. I exist, I am your baby, I am your daughter. I want you to know the reality of your young actions from 22 years ago.

It took me a long time to realize I may not be my mother's shining star. But when when I came home to Korea this summer.. I felt love and I learned of how much she truly loves me. I learned of the amazing support my grandmother gave her and I learned my family knows I exist. It took me a long time to find where I am now and learn what happiness is. The next thing I need to learn is accepting you.

I don't hate you father and I actually am sorry for calling you a monster earlier in this letter. But while you need to know how much anger I have towards you for causing all of this.. I am aware you are also the reason why I am alive, without you there is no me. I do hope you've cleaned up your life, and are out of what ever circumstances that drove you to your actions that night 22 years ago.

Father I don't mean to shame you for what happened, but you need to know that you have a daughter. And you need to know what you did to her and her mother. If I ever met you I'd sit across from you and hold your hand, so you could feel how real I am. I'd stare into your eyes to try to see the good in you and hope that's where I came from. I'd let you see my tears fall and roll down my cheeks not out of weakness, but out of sadness for the three of us. I hope you are a better person now.

I wish I could say I loved you Father, but how could I..

-- Kang Sun