Saturday, 30 May 2015

The Fear of Falling.

Hello Readers. Last night was a bad night. Let's talk about that..

I was out with my best friend, helping her be comfortable in a social situation. We had some drinks, and hours later 2 white males decided that I wasn't ok to drive. 2 white males, who don't know me, made a decision for the helpless Asian girl. I hated that. It bothered me because I was 100% ok to drive. My "Asian glow" is an allergy, I glow from a sip of wine, it is not an indicator that I'm wasted. My friend liked one of the guys, and she hangs out with white people, so she took no offense.. But I did. Part of why I was annoyed is because of what's been running through my head the last couple weeks.

I am terrified.

I am terrified of slipping into a spell of depression, or slipping into old addictive behavior. My friends aren't as mentally healthy as I am. They do not trigger me, but when I see them getting sicker or giving into their cycle of addictive behavior.. It makes me scared of the "what ifs". What if I slip up and nail some dude instead of coping with a trigger? What if I *actually* drive home wasted after a night of clubbing?

What if I slip into depression and do nothing except sleep and have migraines?

What if I feel so low I start driving around, and undo my seat belt?

What if I drive until I'm parked in front of my last abuser's house? What if I let myself inside, walk downstairs, and go lay in bed with him.. And sumit to him hurting me sexually abusing me. What if that time he beats the shit out of me, like he has other girls.. What if he beats me so bad he rips out a lock of my hair and writes my name on his rape list, like he has other girls..

I've been feeling so scared of the what ifs, because I know... I know that *everyone* slips up in addiction. And I don't want to, I really really do not want to slip up. I want better for myself. I know I am healthy, and I know I am coping well with being healthy.

But..

But last night was a bad night.. Last night I was having coctails with people I hated, playing on my phone out of incredible boredom, and then my phone started to ring.. I thought, "Ooo, Who could this mystery person be?". As soon as I slid my finger across the screen, it hit me, it knocked the air out of me, debilitating like the slow motion of being caught under fire in war..

It was Double D's number.

Just when I am so sure I'm healthy, that I'm terrified of relapsing, that.. That *thing* has to call me. He asked me what I was doing and who I was with. I told him none of that mattered, that he sounded drunk, and I had to go. I hung up, and true to form he didn't call back.

I am so angry at him for calling. I felt so far away from my abusers! I've been tackling my memories of abuse in reprocessing therapy! I have been doing so fucking good without abusers in my life!! I kick ass when hiking and at the gym everyday, I've been so successful in making all kinds of healthy and amazing plans! I opened my heart to a kind man, for the first time.

But that bastard had to call me, and you just can't move.. You can't out run your past. When I run I feel like nothing can touch me, but when I went hiking this morning all I could worry about was tripping. Tripping over what? It was freshly cleared trails, and fun new hiking boots. I guess I've been thrown, and now I'm scared of tripping over my past. I didn't feel a pull to him at all, but I felt so sad knowing how much control he had over me for 3 years. It's like a bug that's burrowed into my brain again, trying to devour all the healthy tissue, and infecting me with memories of how truly gruesome and horrible it was with Double D.

I'm trying to get my head cleared. I'm focusing how much my heart has grown, that I accepted Apple. How delightful the trails have been and will be all summer. How incredibly stoked I am to ski this winter! How much I love conditioning every day. How much my stomach has shrunk, and I can't eat anywhere near as much as I used too. I eat like a bird compared to my best friend! Everything I've been doing and aiming to do is pretty amazing.. I'm proud of myself.

But I'm scared of tripping..

*Cheers*

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Summer Plan & An Apple Man.

Hello Readers. I'm thinking I want to get back to the root of things. Charcoal, dirt, sweet kisses with sweet boys, and revisiting bluebird powder. I'm completely not drawn to abusers, it actually feels impossible for anyone to use me. I finally don't feel breakable. I can finally be me.

I feel happy.

This summer I want to work hard for an ethical company. Hike deep again, especially hit up the roller coaster on the Appalachian Trail. Get conditioned for next winter and ski some old lines. I want to pick up old adventures, anything that was taken by an abuser. I'm really digging working on my passions again. And ok, maybe find some sweet lovin' along the way ha!

Let's talk about a healthy diet of fruit. I asked Apple to meet me so I could explain some things. We saw eachother twice, stuff happend, and we broke it off. Ok ok, It was a bit more ceremonious than that. Apple broke it off back on Korean New Years, because I was emotionally unavailable. A couple weeks ago I reached out to him, wearing my little heart on my sleeve. We met up and eventually divulged summer wants/plans that put us in very different places. I feel grounded enough to hold someone's hand, and Apple wants to work on his grounding before he holds someone's hand. Yup.

After realizing all this we spent one last afternoon together. It was probably the best time we shared. We knew how we felt, but understood our lives are plotted on different parts of the map. Shared a lot of ambitions, jokes, wished each other luck, and didn't say goodbye. I genuinely believe Apple is a good person. Whoever gets to hold hands with a grounded version of him, she'll be a lucky gal.

Spyro + Wumpa Fruit = Spring Cleaning.

*Cheers*

Sunday, 3 May 2015

Teen Camp Might Not Run This Year.

Hello Readers. I'm really good at not biting my tounge, this really pisses off adoptive parents. And I'm 100% ok with that ^_^

To cut the story short another accomplished adoptee and myself offered to volunteer, run, and teach at Teen Camp FOR FREE. I was acting as a bridge so  other adoptees would be willing to get involved too. They all left Korean Culture Camp because dealing with the white people is hell. The other adoptee and I are still at camp working in the trenches. But certain parents who've judged me, spoiled these free acts of kindness and forgiveness. Of course the other adoptees don't want to help people who judged a dear friend, especially when those parents realize we're friends because we have similar views on adoption.

Another issue is there are parents who have been lying to their teens for years. Apparently every year I've been offered positions at Teen Camp, but I didn't respond or said no. Lies. I was never even invited to a board meeting until this year. No one ever offered me a position. No parents ever contacted me on their own without me sending multiple emails to prompt a response. Most of them rudely never responded. This year one mom is particular told me they had enough volunteers to run Teen Camp. Also a lie. The thing about lies is that it's doesn't matter how you do it, it still psychologically offends people in the same way.

**Parents should not lie to their kids, nor should they lie to other adults.**

Apparently there are parents who read my blog about Korean Culture Camp, and it made them quite upset. Let's be real here, they're the same parents who reported me for being a gothic Teen Helper. They're the same parents who reported me for telling the gay campers that I accept them. I'm pretty sure they're terrified I'll brainwash their kids into a gay supporting, kale eat, atheistic, bleeding heart liberal like myself. But in reality, all I've ever taught my campers is that I accept them all for who they are, and I think it's rad to be yourself.

Now let's pretend that they only don't like my blog, it's a cute defense of theirs.

I fully admit that I said a lot of really harsh things about KCC and the adoptive parents that run it. However I don't appologize for any of that. If you're white and read this blog, good luck! You're either highly educated and hyper aware of the social structure of race, or you're like every other American that's only going to get angry  reading it.

Why do I not feel sorry for these parents? Why am I not regretful of my KCC review? Because I'm the brown person in this situation! They don't get to tell me what's offensive here. I'm an angry adult adoptee, and I write for my audience who are also angry adult adoptees. It's not rocket science. If you're an adoptive parent and you read a blog that's written for angry adoptees, you're going to be super upset and highly offended.

It's very simple, reading things that aren't for an audience you're not apart of will with either upset or confuse you. Maybe they'll enlighten you, but if you're not reading to learn you're more likely going to be upset. If you're a grown ass adult, then I am not going to feel bad for you. You made a decision to read something that would upset you, and now you're taking it out in the author. Good for you.

Honestly, it's like a grown adult reading a children's book as if it's for adults. You'd literally spend the whole book thinking, "Why the fuck doesn't Bobby just learn to tie his shoes! He keeps tripping everywhere! He should ask someone to teach him! Why is this book only 8 pages long!" You'd   probably think the author is a crazy idiot to write the world's shortest book about a kid who could have asked his mom for help. As an adult you understand that childrens books are for childrem, so you wouldn't do that right? What on earth would compel you to do that with my blog? It's ridiculous.

**I've been doing KCC for 20 damn years as camper, Teen Helper, and Young Adult Adoptee/Classroom Aid. I am an adult adoptee and I have dedicated my education and life to bettering the lives of transracial adoptees, ie: your kids. That deserves respect.**

I don't apologize for my review of KCC or of transracial adoption, because it's completely true. Being brutally honest, writing highly controversial content, and riddling my writing with swear words does not negate my authorship of the truth. If you are an adoptive parent, you are not my audience. If you are an adult would like to upset yourself, then by all means keep reading my blog. Hell fallow me on Twitter @KangSunLee1991.

Make your own choices and OWN your feelings. Blaming your feelings on me is obserd and childish. Lying to keep me out of Teen Camp only hurts the teens that want me there. You do not win anything here.