Sunday, 27 August 2017

Duck, Duck, Grey Duck.

Hello Readers. I want to be over Ducky. I want to stop crying every time a little inside joke comes up and he's not here to share it.

Looking at the very positive in our relationship, I think he was all the tenderness and sweetness I never had. He doted on me, gave me a million kisses a day, and we slept with are arms around each other all night. As much as he listened, I don't think he had the experience to process most of I told him. I shared my entire world with him. He knew things even my closest friends didn't know, and a secret only my sister and therapist know.

Looking without the rose glasses I can see off paper we were not a good partnership. He didn't know enough about his own heart or his temper. I think he was a good partner for me for a year, but I don't believe he'd have been a good partner for our lives. He claimed to understand and support my adoptee issues and identity crisis. But then he supported me to finally test my DNA, 2 weeks later he left, and then didn't even respond when I shared my results and that I found family. This tells me he didn't understand my birth search at all and had no respect for me working on my identity crisis.

Some truly terrible things have happened to me in this life, but this.. This is what I find to be so close to unforgivable. Honestly, this is one of the cruelest things to do to an adopted person. What a great reminder to know that I am alone in this search and identity crisis. I trusted someone entirely for over a year, and then he reminded me that as an adoptee I should know better than to trust someone..

I know I'm being a bit dramatic, but fuck. Who does this to a person? I can't believe I have to work on not hating him. Oh my Ducky..


Tuesday, 8 August 2017

Jealous Little Girl.

Hello Readers. I've said it once, I've said it a million times, and I'll say it until the day I die. All I want from my mother is a memory. Just to hear her voice, see a picture, even hear her say no to me..

All I'm asking for is a tiny little droplet of a memory. My friends who have had parents walk out on them or pass think I'm lucky to not have to deal with my birth family leaving or dying one by one. When in reality I've spent my whole life suffering the loss and what if of loosing them. The little girl inside me is jealous of my friends. They have certainty, something I will only have when my hair is grey.

But most importantly... They have an ocean of memories, while I do not even have the droplet I beg the universe for every day. It's one thing to hop puddles, but it's another to dive deep into an ocean and see a whole world with someone you love. The world I have with my birth mother is a desert.. While it was depth, it's dark and freezing at night.. Almost nothing can survive.


Sweeping Up My Heart.

Hello Readers. Let's get right to it.

The first week we still kind of talked by updating each other on things, we even talked on the phone. During that call he kept going back and fort powers on it being our last call or another day we could talk for the last time. Well.. He never updated me again, and didn't respond to me when I update him.

The 2nd week I tried to open my mind as much as possible. I widened my eyes and reflected on the things I wasn't satisfied in our relationship and things I wasn't ok with. I want to be with someone who I can share being a creative with, especially with a person who wants to share their passion with the world. A partner who wants to go dancing and enjoys my horrible stepping as much as I do. I need to be with a musically inclined fella who is more relatable. Someone who thinks disagreements are opportunities to learn about each other and find a greater understand of other perspectives. Someone who does not believe in name calling. Honestly, someone extremely liberal like me.

I spent the next couple weeks getting dinner with friends and crying constantly. I'd cry at the mall, before and after grocery shopping, alone in bed all night, holding the cats, and driving pretty much everywhere. I could barely sleep at night.. I'd cry all the time during the day, and kept triggering dehydration and stress headaches. It was exhausting.

The past couple weeks my pain have leveled out. I started feeling like I hated him for supporting me to get me DNA tested knowing I had his support, then leaving, and not responding to me results.. Not responding to me finding family was it for me. I wrote a lot of heart broken country songs and spent some time a tent. I feel like a normal human again. I was even at an event and found myself a little thirsty for an attractive fella. I'm not ready for any pallet cleansing, and also it turns out he's like 22 and has college relationship. But-- it was a very fun and funny afternoon talking to my friends trying to figure out his deal. 

I also started a new OkCupid account that's clearly labeled for friends only. I'm making an effort to meet new friends who have similar tastes in music, creativity, and can give me a new perspective to go with this new future.