Friday, 27 July 2012

Major Birth Search Decisions.

Hello Readers. Today I sit in my room think over this birth search. What will be my next move? Will it be big? Will it lead somewhere? Will i shut this down? I am also searching YouTube and watching videos of reunions as I wonder what mine could be like. I've pretty much locked myself away all morning and all day thinking over this and crying from facing all this pain by myself. (I will post a list of reunion vids later) I have a pretty good idea of what going home for the first time will be like for me. Lots of tears, being scared and excited, and completely freaked out. I know I will also be the happiest I have ever been. I look forward to going home next summer. If there is anything I am sure about in this search is I will going going home. That reunion will happen.

As for a reunion with family, I hope that it will come one day. I'd do absolutely anything just to see a picture of my mother and not even get to keep it! I hope that I will get to meet her, hug her, and tell her how much I love her. I hope that she holds me too, calls me by my real name Kang, and tells me how much she really does love me. In my greatest fantasy we both confess how much our hearts have ached to be together and to know each other. We both never want to let go of each other, too afraid to loose us again. This hope of course comes from a dream where I am not a rape baby. It comes from a small little light that I amazingly still have in my heart.

I have hope. Hope that she was not raped, hope that she loves me, and hope that we will be together again one day. She is the moon that gives me light at night, she is the cool air that wakes me in the morning, and she is the sun that keeps me warm all day. My whole life I have felt her around me, like she is always near, like somehow we are still connected.. I hope that means she loves me, and not that she is dead.

I accept that there are a million and one reasons as to how she got pregnant and why she gave me up. I know there are tons of emotions she could feel about me in her new life now, and I understand why she wouldn't want me in that life. There are still so many possibilities both extremely good and incredibly bad, and I won't find out unless I keep pushing this search..

I have officially decided to see this search through its final months. Not only that, but I've also decided I will push for another round of searching! For the next year I will push KBS to put on I Miss That Person! I will be on that show! If they don't let me on via video cam I will campaign to be on the actual set when I go home next summer!

Missing my mother and not knowing who I am has been eating me alive my whole life like cancer. When my adoptive aunt had breast cancer she said fuck you cancer and did everything she could to fight it. Although I've never heard her swear, Those were the actions she took. Before she passed away she told me to be myself and to be proud. So that's what I'm going to do! I am too proud of who I am and who I want to be to stop now!

If this search ends in nothing and the start of the next one doesn't either, I will get answers when I go home! I will go to my home town and find my grandmother's old shop! I will protest the city and hospital to unseal my birth records! I will look for one of my many aunts and uncles! I know this is our story that we share and I respect that, But this half is mine! I love so much her and respect myself too much to just quit because I'm scared! I will not stop until I find answers! I will find out what happened to her and thank her for my life!


Wednesday, 25 July 2012

A Second Letter To My Birthmother.

Dear Mother--

Hello uma. This is Kang your daughter. I am 21 now and my first round of searching for you is coming to a close soon.. I can't believe it's almost been a year since this journey towards you and accepting who I am has started. I don't know if I will try this again.. I don't know if my heart can take it knowing I could be your living nightmare. If I am, I am so so deeply sorry uma. That is not how I wanted your life to be. That is not how I had hoped our story had started and ended.

Please know that I am Korean, That I love being Korean, and feel close to our people. I love you with my whole heart and spirit. I could never love anyone more than you uma. I am sorry if you hate me, and only think of me with worry and anger. I understand why you would feel that way.

Please know that you made the right choice. Thank you for keeping me close for 9 months. Thank you for letting me live. I owe you my life. I just wish so badly I could live with you, know you, and be with you. I understand if you don't want those things. Please know how much I love my whole birth family, even if they don't know I exist. Even if I am a secret from them, I love them and hope you are all doing well.

I send my whole heart and full spirit to you uma.
I love you,
Your daughter Kang.

Crying And Convulsing For Uma.

Hello Readers. I have found this wonderful song that shows how I feel about my birthmother. So much love, understanding, and thankfulness reside in these lyrics.

Finding this.. It made me feel so emotional like the shots of overwhelming emotion I've been experiencing lately when reminded of family.. I felt my chest and legs become heavy and ache.. I felt my heart break again.. Suddenly my whole body clapses while curling into itself... It all happened so fast. I suddenly fell off my bed convulsing, and crying, and yelling for my uma!

Sometimes I can't help it.. I completely break down crying and start screaming for her. Begging her to come back, to accept me, that I'm sorry for being her rape baby, for wrecking her life, and for being her living nightmare. I shout to her praying that she is alive and did not kill herself over our mess. I just scream for my uma and start yelling how much I love her and need her in my life.

This song I inspired me to write a second letter to her that I will post on here later. A letter to her if I never make contact or if she denies contact. So maybe in some crazy way it will get to her and she will know how I feel.. Or at least other birthmothers will know..

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Big Changes!

Hello Readers! As I've been saying this week there are going to be a lot of BIG CHANGES for KangSunLee1991! The first big change of course is adding a lot more of my personal life and how it's indirectly effected by adoption. I hope you all are psyched to read the next two big announcements!

The next big change is my YouTube channel! That's right I'm going visual and hopefully a little viral! I have no videos up yet, but please go check out my channel anyways. I only subscribe to my fellow Asians and international adoptee channels, so NO SPAM! Except for the occasional food channel, but who doesn't love good food?

Please subscribe to KangSunLee1991 on YouTube! Videos will be filmed and loaded soon. I really have a ton going on this weekend. Cleaning, art, dates, a family reunion, and my aunt and uncle are in town, Tons! I promise they will be up with in a week, A 5 day work week mind you ;D

My third and final announcecement isn't a change I had much control over. For months when I've tried to give out my blog, but no one could find it. All sorts of Googled combinations and they'd get nothing. But now if you Google "KangSunLee1991" all the links will lead you to here, Twitter, YouTube, and gmail! How rad it that! Please go Google it right now! A big thanks to Tim one of my avid readers for gmailing me this fantastic bit of info and letting me know such awesome news! You rock Tim!

All together these changes will help you better connect to me, and me to you. I'm really trying hard push myself to add to and build a stronger Asian-American community and international adoptee community on the web. This isn't just therapeutic for me, this is for all of us. This is all so we know we are not alone in being Asian, Korean, adopted, transracial, and bicultural. This is sharing our fear, love, and building a home for when we feel homeless.

Thank you so much for all the tremendous support in my birth search and in my life. You are supporting my dreams, and you are sharing your hopes with me too. It really does mean the world to me, and with these big changes and expansion I hope we can get closer as a communtiy. Let's go get building :]

Fallow me @:

Contact me directly @:

More Dating Life, Big Blog Changes, & "Friends"

Hello Readers! I've been thinking a lot about how I try to keep my personal non-adoptee life out of this blog. I like to keep it as separate as possible. My last few blogs have been how my personal life is being incredibly effected by my adoptee life, and they've gotten wonderful feed back. My gmail blew up from you guys! Thank you all so much for all the positivity and support! I've always been adamant on keeping my two worlds separate, but you love to hear about the details. I also find I'm growing fond in sharing those details.

*So I am very pleased to announce a big change for this blog! I opened with this being no holds barred, and now I going to fully deliver! I will now being talking about My none adoptee life as well as adoption. As long as its something that goes in stride with my feelings of adoption, It will be in here! I think it's really important to know all aspects on how adoption effects our lives as a whole, not just our families.

Since I posted on my dating life I've been working extra hard to push Morgan outside of her adoptee closet and it's been really fantastic! There's always been a pretty steady stream of guys the past 5 months or so, but my relationships with those I'm seeing now have gotten a lot cooler and stronger with this extra boost of me. I am so over missing out on wonderful guys, and am so sick of being "shy adopted Morgan". She can be a super lame date, So I absolutely love being able to shake free from her and just go for it.

It's so completely freeing to be able to tell a guy about adoptee stuff and how much it upsets me, with out it being a big dramatic deal. It is so good to say "Hey, I really like you too!", and finally back it up with actions like holding their hand or giving them a kiss. This is what normal dating should feel like! Not the "shy adopted Morgan" way of constantly second guessing myself only to sit still and be quiet the whole time. I am sharing all of who Morgan is for once, and I am really happy and proud about that!

I also posted on how I needed to push more Morgan into my friendships. Well that hasn't happened at all. I wish talking to my friends about how I really feel was easier, but when it feels like none of them care it's extremely hard. What's the worst that can happen? They turn out to be my fear of "friends" who use how much I care to feel good about themselves, While not actually caring about me? Well fine, I've delt with that before. I do care too much about others' well-beings and it's very easy for people to take advantage of.

At the same times it's like, Well not fine! I don't want to loose my closest friends because I just had to confirm they weren't real friends. That's like a friendship suicide mission! I know they are all pretty shittastic "friends". Confirming it would just be me making them admit it, and then us no longer being friends. I already know what kind of "friend" they all already are. Them admitting it is the clear line of when I will no longer stay.

The sad truth is is that i care more about total strangers, Then even my closets of friends care about me. I wish this was easier..

I wish I could drop my terrible "best friends" and have the room to go for it with my Asian friends! Try and build long relationships with them. We all already have deep relationships together being connected by so many things no one else will ever understand, But we only see each other sparingly vs everyday. I think we could all use that. One of us just needs the balls to step up and take what we all say into action. I kind of think I should get some balls!

Yes, I do realize I just said I should drop my white friends and go Asian my life up. Sometimes race is just how life works out though. My whole life I've been surrounded by Caucasian-Americans who have only hurt, white washed, took advantage of, and constantly disappointed me. I am so sick of the lack of understanding! I have a right to be angry. While my logic might not be sound to most non-asians and non-adoptees my feelings are completely valid.

If my only way of climbing out of this un happy American watering hole is to dive into the Asian deep end, I'll do it. I just need to get some Asian balls first.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

I love my Asian Friends & My 2nd Biggest Fear.

Hello Readers. I write to you from the hospital. One of my Asian friends was trying to escape from it all last night. He told me his very last secret between us. I told him I loved him regardless. I told him what I tell my teens from Korean Culture Camp, "The things that are hardest to talk about, Are what need to be talked about the most." He took a bunch of stuff to escape and it got so out of control so I called 911. He is safe and ok now. His family knows what's been going on, And I'm happy how positively they're all taking it. I am really happy for him, he's just been holding my hand the entire time we've been here.. He barely let's go.

I wrote that yesterday. As much as I tell all my friends how much I love them, I have a special love for my Asian friends. None of us see each other all time, and agree we feel weird keeping close because Asians freak us out. Despite those two things , We have a special bond because we all are Asian. There are certain things that are just hard for us to live with everyday. Certain things from being Korean in this white world that makes us broken from the start. Adopted or not, It feels like our families are extra fucked up because we're Korean. On top of that in general all of us just have super messed up families.

I just wish we could all be ok. The way he was trying to escape for the night, was how I used to escape almost every single day my freshman year of high school. I had no one to lean on, but the drugs. Eventually I saw myself and really looked. Yes drugs can be fun, But they aren't happiness. They are a short term escape. I'd rather be 100% aware all the time and feeling every ounce of pain, than dull it and feel nothing. To feel things is to be human.

Even though I have friends to lean on, and family that knows what's going on with me as an adoptee, I don't feel like any of them are good support or really want to be leaned on. A couple posts ago I wrote on how alone I felt in this birth search. The only people that rushed to tell me otherwise was my adoptee and Korean friends. That they are there for me, love me, and get exactly what I'm feeling. That they want to know everything, and tell me everything. Now it's just a matter of really doing it.

Looking at my dear friend in the hospital, not letting go of my hand even in his sleep.. Knowing what he's been through as an Asian and as a person.. I wonder how much better can things really be when we talk about them and have real support. I know there isn't a solution, there is only acceptance of all the bad things and a long hard working road to longterm happiness.. But I can't help but wonder if we start out broken, Then maybe we'll always be broken no matter how much we want and try, Regardless of who is around us..

Born broken meaning you're always broken is my second biggest fear in life. Right after my mother being dead.

Wednesday, 11 July 2012

Sorry I'm Not Here & Trip Application.

Hello Readers. I have half a year to start applying to the adoptee programs that offer free group trips home. Most take 15-20 adoptees and run 2-7 weeks. I have a lot of time, but this is so extremely important to me I'm starting tonight. So far I have 8 very different drafts, and I'm not sure weather I should go super emotional or not.

A piece of me feels like if I'm super super honest on how much I need this trip and how much it would mean to my heart they would cry, But then I'm sure tons of applicants' stories are heart breaking. Then again parts of my story are so nuts they might think I'm lying.. I honestly don't believe it's happening to me most of the time. But maybe right now it's just because it's past 5am and I'm feeling down. I just thought I'd be in Korea right now; I thought I'd be home.

I feel like my whole life and heart are on hold right now. I don't tell you guys a lot about my non-adoptee personal life but.. There was a guy I was seeing for a bit, and honestly the coolest person I have ever met. Things didn't work out on his end, But I wonder if apart of it was me too. I know for a fact I didn't put myself out there enough.. And I still don't with other fantastic guys. I wasn't myself enough personality wise, emotionally, and physically. Its not that I'm changing who I am or lying to them, But I'm holding myself back all the time. I thought it was being back in the dating game and not striking my jive, But I think it's all this adoptee stuff.

How can I share more than just bits and pieces of who I really am with a guy when I've never even been home? When I just want to jump out of my chair and kiss a guy I'm seeing, or grab their hand and run around a funky park I don't. When they ask about adoptee stuff I can hardly get even a few facts out. When I want to tell even a close friend how I'm feeling about things that hurt I don't tell them how bad it really is. Unless they hug me first, I don't even hug my friends anymore. I still tell everyone I know how great and important they are, And hope they're doing well.. Like emailing them a fun song to start their work day with and to know I'm thinking about them, or texting them to enjoy a trip vs feeling lonely on it. Little sweet things to let people know they matter regardless of how close we are, Because you know I'm a big weirdo. But it's more me giving them how much I care about them, Than me giving them me.

I feel like I'm missing out on the best parts of friendships, and I missed out on a really wonderful guy. I'm still missing out on wonderful guys. Everyone has walls built up around them, but this is different. I have a wall behind me and I keep getting snapped back by this rubber chain around my waste.

I'm sorry my friends don't have their Morgan, although they don't seem to really notice or care that much. I'm really sorry for the guys who didn't/don't get to really meet me. In the end we both miss out, And that really sucks.

But I really am trying to push myself. I'm trying so hard not to let this adoptee stuff effect my non-adoptee life so much. I've been running, hiking, and more camping. I've even been conditioning for soccer that starts in August. The better grip I have on my non-adoptee life the better grip I will have on being adopted. I'm trying to push myself forward and out there. Maybe the next guy will get to meet Morgan vs the shy scared adopted version of her..

Anyways here is the draft I like the best so far::

I am applying to this program because I desperately need to go home. I was adopted by a family who believes finical stability vs emotions is love. Because of this as far as my heart is concerned I have been homeless my whole life. It's completely insane to never be home, never go home, and to never know home your whole life. Korea and my birth mother are my home. I want to go back home so I can know here I come from, and try to collect the pieces of who I was supposed to be. I need to know the people and culture my birth mother comes from.

(Stuff about Korean Culture Camp, Speaking in the international adoptee community, Birth search & blog, And speaking in the Korean-American and Asian-American Communities. Can't really type it now since I don't know what will happen in a year.)

I'm not applying to this on a whim; I don't take this trip lightly. To receive the gift of this experience would mean the world to me. I've had sever depression since I was a little girl, and didn't get help until I convinced my adoptive parents it was real in my young adult hood. I guess you could say I have always been homesick. This trip would help me get better by bringing me that much closer to solving who I am, who I could have been in Korea, and who I am going to be now. To learn about the culture and the people that I feel so connected to yet know little about would fill so many gaps in my heart.

Nothing would make me happier than to finally go home; Please consider me for a place in your program. Thank you so much for your time.

Monday, 9 July 2012

Happy 21st Anniversary.

Hello Readers. I know I said I would have a lot to post about CONvergence, but I don't. Today is my 21st anniversary. 21 years ago to the day I was put on a plane and flown here to America. Where they assumed I would have a happier life, A whole life.. To a place that was supposed to save my life.

This is not a day to celebrate, This is a day of agony. To know I have not been home in 21 years to the day breaks my heart in ways only the other homeless children of adoption could understand. Today I grieve. I grieve for the culture I lost, for the home I never got to know, for the memories of Korea I was robbed of, for the people I belong to, and for the woman who let me live. I grieve over the decision they made that took my life away forever.

Of course none of my friend's remember today. Not even the ones who have known me most of my life. I can't blame them though, We'd forget everyone's birthday too if Facebook didn't alert us. There is no Facebook calendar for this though. Thanks Mark Suckaberg.

My adoptive mom wants to go out to Buffalo Tap. It's an American establishment with crazy good burgers, But like very occasion she wants to out for its for her not the person. She is so selfish. Why would I want to celebrate something that deviates me. Why would I want to go to an American restaurant to celebrate this? I'm in this culture everyday! Why not thank the culture that gave you your child! Why not at least pretend for one day you don't hate everything Korean.. Please. Why am I expected to be grateful and to celebrate being in the states!! Adoptive parents should be grateful they have fucking children!! They should respect our culture and love US, Not shame us from our heritage and love that they were able to buy a family!!!

I really thought I would have been home right now, Celebrating being home. All I wanted for this summer was to go home. I just really needed to go home.. And I am so sad and angry I am stuck in America with people who for the most part really just don't care, don't understand, and want to.

Tonight I want to go eat some Asian food and get some Korean soju in me, Because like Zia I need to have a drink when no one shows up.


Monday, 2 July 2012

No Wars, But Star Wars!

Hello Readers. I don't normaly post sillyish things on here. Most of my blogs are long, and if short are really important. This is just silly and weird, Hence the title. I'm going to my first nerd convention this weekend! Its called CONvergence in Bloomington from the 5th to the 8th. It's a "convergence" of anime/manga, science fiction, and comics. As much of a geeky Star Wars fan I am, I'm dressing as Chii for Chobits! I made 2 costumes for her, and my Nurse Claire costume from my goth days.

I'm really excited and nervous about spending a weekend with Caucasian-Americas out Asianing me. I'm nervous to be so submerged in pieces of my culture that I'm rather unfamiliar with.. I'm a little freaked out. I also thought it was going to be small, but I guess it's huge! 6,000 attenties huge! It feels a little like drowning. I wonder how many other adopted Asians will be in attendance. I feel so out of place.

With the extra load of nerd stuff on my mind, ive been watching Star Wars over and over again. It reqlly got me thinking baout what my adoption is turning out to feel like. I've always seen adoption as a simple transaction that was extrmely emotionally complicated. But now..

It's like my birthfather could be the bad guy, a rapist.. One could compare him to Darth Vador! dun Dun DUN! Me finding out at my age, makes me Han Solo. My birthmother could possibly be dead, maybe it was what he did to her that ate her away like Padme.. Any Korean guy I kiss could be my brother.

The weird thing is I'm also like Anakin! I'm My adoptive family are like the Jedi, their honor is questioned and they are against anything Korean that I want to embrace like.. the Sith. I'm slowly getting away from the Jedi, so I can experiment with the dark side of the force. You know, Korean stuff lol. But don't worry, I would only rule in darkness if it brought balance to the universe! Damn I'm nerdy. I am totally geeking out over this!

All in all, I have a lot of mixed feeling about this. Have you gone to any conventions? Any advice in general or adoptee related? Expect major updates from the convention, But I might not be able to post until I get home. I promise I will be writing while I'm there. Keeping the writing live, but the feed might be down for the weekend. I'm also hoping to post a blog or two before I leave, goal of the next few days! Thanks guys!