Wednesday, 31 May 2017

2 Names.

Hello Readers. What is your name? What does it mean to you? What does it mean to your family? I think these answers are more important than if your first name is Celtic and your last name is an Ellis Island nightmare of Swedish heritage. Ha, that's my American name!

This is on my mind tonight because I'm over explaining my name to people. I don't need to defend my adoption to Asians, and I don't need to explain my "exotic" looks to white people.

I was raised by my very white Minnesotan adoptive parents' to be their Caucasian-American daughter. From 4 months old I have been socially white AF. I have a white legal name, and a white background, and have white privileges. In my late teens and especially now I am trying to memorize my adoptive mom's stories and recipes. Unlike my adoptive parents though, outside of our home I was expected to be a token Asian in our angelo saxon suburb. And everywhere else for that matter.

I also have Korean DNA and probably a bunch of Asian DNA. Unlike Korean nationals, my DNA isn't allowed to do all the work in making me a "real" Korean. I literally had to learn my mother culture, pop culture, adoptee culture, cooking, and keep trying to learn my mother tongue to prove I truly am a Korean woman. I cook more dishes and do it better than most of the adoptees and Koreans I know. My Korean itself is awful. But I can order a pitcher of Cass and Nana Chicken, and I'm fine with that.

I have names for both of these worlds and I like them both. Morgan Claire Pearson. Lee, KangSun.

I really like who I am. I have learned I'm not 2 completely different people. I am one person who enjoys the privileges of western society and enjoys nesting herself in an Asian bubble. I've grown a lot to be able to accept both sides. I will continue to learn my mother tongue and I will continue to educate white people on Asian culture by being white right back at them. 

Cheers.

Monday, 29 May 2017

23AndMe

Hello Readers. I'm sure you're wondering why I'm suddenly posting again. My urge to know has really stirred up the past couple of months and I have quite exciting news too.

If you didn't know, Buzzfeed has a lot of DNA related videos. Ducky and I were watching The Try Guy's do their 23AndMe testing, and I looked up the company for the millionth time. But this time I bought it!! And so did my very supportive very white partner!!

LAST FRIDAY I SPIT IN A TUBE AND MAILED IT BACK!!

In 6-8 weeks we're going to find out how white my boyfriend is and if I'm a hapa. We're going to find out who my birthfather really was, genetically at least. I'm going to know if I have any registered relatives. I could have 6th, 7th, 8th cousins right here in Minnesota, or in the US, or home in Korea!

I am so excited and scare to finally know my genetic makeup. It'll be a shade I can't buy at Sephore

*Cheers*

Mental Health Check <3

Hello Readers. I hope your mental health is doing well and that you're treating yourself well too. Either way you should make an appointment with a local therapist or counselor today =^_^=. 

Therapy is good for you! While your friends and family want what's best for you, they each have their bias in what you think and do. They're your personal support group to talk to on the daily. Where as a professional gives you tools that work specifically for you to achieve your goals I n your own way. Go try it for 1 month. That's only 4 hours.

I didn't go to therapy for about 6 months (winter and summer 2016) because I had been handling everything pretty well. I felt in control of my mental health and consistently use all the tools in my toolbox. Everyone should check-in with a professional every 6 months, even if it feels like nothing big is going on in your life. I made the appointment and then started thinking about what I wanted to talk about.

I talked a bit about:

- I have mushy excitement and terrified feelings of my partner and I becoming exclusive and going long term. 
- I want to commit my life to someone(s) and accept it's not forever, but I don't know if I could even trust enough to commit in legal marriage/celebration (not a wedding!) for a few years.
- My financial views on children have solidified my choice in not having children, but then I still want to know what's wrong with my fertility. It's like my abusers took my right to say no, and also stole my right to not have children. 
- As an adult, how do I learn to "ride the dragon" now, when most woman have the privilege of learning to control it since they were teens.
- Being sexually harassed at work and getting fired for it.
- Dealing with working with unprofessional racists at work.

As you can see, I AM NO LONGER going through absolute depressing hell anymore!! No one hits me, no one rapes me, and I don't cry myself to sleep hoping I don't wake up. I don't need to plan for months on how to leave my abuser, or plan who to leave what to when I kill myself. But I still have big questions and my therapist will give me brand new tools to help me navigate answering them. Or like most of the time, I tell her what I want and think I need, she agrees, and gives me the tools to get there.

I worked on a bit with my therapist until my insurance ran out. I turned 26 on February 24th 2017. My new place of work does not cover mental health, so I've been looking into other forms of insurance and possibly arranging other ways of paying to stay with my therapist. 

 If you don't have insurance a lot of therapists and councilors do sessions around $30, which is slightly more than a co-pay. If you're in school, your school has a free counselor. If you're not in school, don't have insurance, and can't afford to pay out of pocket a lot of community centers has free counseling too.

So please Readers, help yourselves out. Google local therapists. Read their bios. Book who you feel a connection with, not just by what they specialize in. If you feel good after your session, see them 3 more times. If you feel bad and didn't connect with them, then book with with another local therapist. Take care of yourself.

Cheers.

I AM BACK.

Hello Readers. We haven't spoken in a couple years!! I hope you are are doing well and I'm sure you've grown in so many ways. We have a lot of catching up to do, so expect plenty of posts doing just that. I want to hear from you to! Please email me at KangSunLee1991@gmail.com, or Tweet me an update at KangSunLee1991. 

First off, my cat Pumpkin says hi. =^ㅇㅊㅇ^= I've hopped a couple jobs and learned offices are not a safe place for Asian woman. 10 out of 10 would not recommend. My chosen sister CC just bought a house last summer, renovated the lower level into an apartment, and I've been living here for just under a year.

Children's Home Society are liars and a pain in my ass. They refuse to tell me what work they did for my search, and I'll bug them in a few months when a new new new supervisor starts.

Things ended with Apple. I have decided to keep those details private. We remain good friends.

About a year and 4 months ago a met a fella. Let's call him Ducky and gee he's a lovely human. He's actually quite sweet, liberal, passionate, and looks like a god damn Urban Outfitters model. We accept each others' pasts and support each others' goals.

Ducky and I met on OkCupid. To be honest I was feeling shitty about my looks that week and almost cancelled the date. We talked until the tea cafe closed, then we talked all night on his couch. I cook for him, he gets cake and aloe drinks for me, and we do funny bits together. When we fight or let other things make us grumpy, then we apologize and talk through it. Pumpkin and my friends think he's great and get good vibes from him.

For the first 5 months we operated without a label and kept it non-exclusive. Just before 6 months hit we discussed how we felt about each other, our relationship, and the time we spend together. We decided to be exclusive!! =^_^=  We are partners.

More catching up to come. Cheers.