Christmas Eve.

Hello Readers. I’ve been trying to write this holiday blog for a good month now, Just getting all my feelings and thoughts out. Each attempted ended up being this frantic anger filled rant, coated in deep seeded sadness, rolled in bitterness. That is not the kind of truffle I want to serve you guys; Swallowing that helps no one. So here goes..

For the past few years I’ve been saying I want to spend Christmas alone, No family gathers of mine or of my close friends. Of course for the past couple years I’ve ended up going to Jordan’s anyways, But this year is very different. This year I have so much hope in finding my own family that celebrating anything seems wrong without them. Plus why bother celebrate with people who don’t know me at all? I’m just going to take extra-long trips to the bathroom to cry behind a door all dolled up in my nice clothes. I’d rather get dressed how I normally do, And cry in my own bathroom… Or in front of the TV watching families come together at the end of the film, And all the same race couples fall in love as the snow falls around them like a magical Christmas blessing.

I know that all seems like a pretty harsh view of the holidays, But I’ve always felt this way. Like the rest of my childhood I have no happy memories of the holidays. Sure I had a ridiculous amount of presents compared to most of my friends, And my stocking was always over flooding onto the floor. As cheesy as it sounds gifts aren’t happiness. Regardless of your age family and love is what makes a person happy. Knowing who you are and that you friends and family know who you are inside is what makes a person whole. I have never been truly happy, And I am not a whole person.

This year I had really planned to be completely alone, And normally my adoptive parents have other plans with family elsewhere. Unfortunately for me they’re staying home, and doing something tomorrow. So I’ve been stuck in the kitchen since 10am because my adoptive mom wants a “family Christmas dinner”. Honestly it makes me want to puke in my mouth a little, And gives me the creeps. Since they’ll be gone tomorrow though, I’ll get to be alone in then. I can cry in piece, And not behind a bathroom door.

I really hope I don’t cave and go to Jordan’s Christmas tomorrow, I’m actually afraid I will. My need for family always gets me in the end, But hopefully this year I can stay strong and stay away from it.. I think why I try and stay so strong about family is because there is a chance I won’t find my family in Korea.. There is a chance no one will want contact.. There is a chance my birth mother could already be dead. I need to be strong because if those small chances are my reality then hopefully after it breaks me I can pick up a few pieces.

Other than holiday thoughts there is one other thing I wanted to share with you. I know I open each blog with “Hello Readers”, What most of you don’t know is that you aren’t just my readers. Many of you I knew before this blog you are my best friends in the world, you are my newly wedded adoptive sister, you are my campers and teens at Korean Culture Camp, And you are all so dear and close to me. Many of my readers that I didn’t know before this blog have e-mailed me, found me on Facebook or Twitter, And are now my good friends connected by adoption. I want to say thank you. Thank you all for not just reading, But for contacting me and becoming my friend. Thank you all for your support and true understanding. Thank you for your concerns and honest questions. Thank you for being there for me during all of this, My long life adoption journey.

I love you guys so much, And wish you all the best in the pending New Year. I am so lucky our paths have crossed in so many different ways, Thank you for being my friends.

해피 크리스마스 어머니! 저는 여러분 모두가 너무 사랑, 그리고 전 당신의 행사는 따뜻하고 바랍니다. 나는 또한 어떤 심장 통증에서 혼자가 아니라는 그래서, 누군가가 외에 당신이 날 그리워 바랍니다. 내 모든 사랑을 보내기 ... 당신 딸 강.