Dear Readers, I turn 21 on the Feb. 24th. I am excited to drink legally, And have a drink with no worries.. But my birthday is also the only day I had with my birth mother.. So it’s also a day of grieving, Not so much celebration. I have thought this way since I was a child.. I guess this year being a special birthday according to US law I’m celebrating more of a legal right of passage then being another year older.
Today I was at The Mall of America looking for an outfit that said “I’m Fucking 21” in the classiest way possible. I had to text my adoptive mom to have her transfer the money into my account.. While I was texting her I almost started crying, I had this overwhelming urge to text her “I am sorry I am not the daughter you expected, Or the child your paid for. I am sorry I hurt you every day because I don’t love you.” Of course I didn’t text her that at all, But I wanted to.. And it makes me so sad and upset that I am so messed up that I feel guilty for being myself. No one should feel guilty for being themselves, And trying to become the person they feel they were meant to be. I think I was meant to be Korean, And I want to become Korean culturally as much as I possibly can. At the same time I also feel guilty for being so Americanized.. For being so white.
I was talking to a new friend tonight and he told me I reminded him of Tohru Honda from Fruits Basket. He said like her I have an amazingly sad story and everyday life, And on the outside I am so happy and uplifting, and hopeful for others, But on the inside I am drowning. I can’t deny how truthful that is. I go out of my way to help my friends achieve their goals, I give advice on anything and everything all because I want my friends to be happy.. All because I want them to know how amazingly special they all are.. Just like from Fruits Basket I believe we all have something incredible to offer the world, But since we’re rice balls we might not know we have that special pickled plum on our backs. Even though I do so much, And work so hard to overcome the painful things in life.. And even though I work to help other adoptees as well as my friends overcome their issues.. I’m still unsure if I have a plum on my back.
어머니 당신이 당신이 옳은 결정을 내린 알고 바랍니다. 당신은 보름달만큼 큰 귀하의 뒷면에 매화 있습니다. 당신이 사랑하는 어머니.