Saturday, 14 January 2012

Debating Love.

Hello Readers, This blog is for anyone who needs a hug like me.

"All you need is love" , Horse shit or the key to happiness?

I am a sociologist. I also enjoy and use psychology and philosophy. I am self aware. I am a very intelligent woman. My type of intellect has always isolated me even though I am a very outgoing and extroverted person. I also consider myself a nerd due to weird and off beat personal interests. My closest and best friends are almost all introverts.. Recently I have learned none of them consider me to be nerdy at all. In fact they view me how I view most other people as blissful with their average minds and mainstream ideals. To my nerdy friends, those who I consider my real and closest friends,consider me an outsider. I am definitely more alone than I thought I was..

As someone who has serious intelligence, and had a very distant and cold upbringing.. I try to think of my personal life in different terms of "I am smart. I do not need a million friends to be happy. I do not need a big wedding to be happy. I do not need love to be happy." of course my childhood seeded depression, Incredible need for approval by my adoptive parents, And need to be recolonized as family by my birth family would say a otherwise.

Does a person really "need" love? Do I really "need" love? I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't care about all this adoption stuff; I wish I could just accept being American. I'd also do anything to get out of the sea of blissful friends I'm drowning in. I'd do anything to get out of the sea of pure sadness I'm drowning in. My lungs are filling up with water all the time from so many different things and I wish someone could give me a hug and pull me out. I wish someone could CPR this saltwater out of my lugs and get me away from the sea..

When ever I tell people about who I really am.. When I find a way to step out from behind this curtain that closest after acting happy all day.. I hope it helps expel some of this saltwater, Even though I know it won't I still hope for it.. Even though I'm pretty sure there will never be a lifeguard on duty, I hope to see one in the tower.

"I would do anything for love, But..." I will exhaust myself looking for my birth family, I will always hope to be accepted by my adoptive family, And I will probaly marry a nerd who the world thinks is the sweetest guy but actually is a huge asshole the takes me for granted and ignores me even though he's aware of how much it hurts me. I would do anything for love, But nothing I guess..

So if all you need is love to be a happy human being than I guess I should stop saying "Fuck other people" because I want to be happy and love is what I need. Of course "You can't always get what you want", But I know that sometimes a person might just find what they need... But what I want to be happy.. But in life all you need is love, And love is happiness.... But if I won't get when I would I might get what I need? Fuck.

I have always been an outsider growing up due to my intelligence and for looking exotic, I am the black sheep of my adoptive family for thinking differently, I am unknown by my birth family, And I'm not nerdy enough to really be apart of the group of my best friends, And now music and word play is pushing me further into the sea?

I am drowning and even though there are others drowning in the same sea, They are closer to shore. I am a lot more alone than I thought I was.

어머니 당신이 당신의 삶에 행복과 사랑을 바랍니다.

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