Defeated.

Hello Readers. The other night I got the balls to try and show my adoptive mom a 7 minute video and a documentary being made about the gay community being seen as second class citizens. I found it moving and amazing, the best 7 minutes I have ever spent on a YouTube video. Now this isn't a blog about gay rights or anything to do with the gay community really.

I think it's great that they have a lot of media coverage on the horrors that they have to live with. Now here is the connection I'm trying to make for you all.. Just because a person has rights, doesn't mean other citizens see them as full citizens. There is still so much negativity around what it means to be an Asian-American and an internationally adoptee. At some point gays will have full rights, but that doesn't mean the public will view them as human beings of value or worth respect. Just like how many Americans see me as an Asian woman not worth the value and respect as a white person. This is just like how most think I should feel lucky and fortunate for being "saved" when no one had to save me, And just like how many Asians view me as not a "real Asian" and not one of them.

The biggest difference between the hurt and pain of international adoption and gay rights isn't the actual issues, it's the media coverage. The pain of adoption in really more taboo to talk about than the pain of gay people. Both are still a group of people put through some type of hell by others, But one group's pain is secret.

So my adoptive mom refused to watch this video to the point she was yelling , telling me to shut up, that I was out of line, and to get out of her face. All I kept saying was please just care about a fellow human being for 7 minutes, it's only 7 minutes, it's important to know how the other side of something's feels and thinks other wise how do you know your against it?

I just wanted her to watch it and get an idea of what I live with being an Asian-American. I do not fit in with white people, and I do not fit in with Asians. I am the black sheep of our family, and I know being myself causes my whole family to hate me when all I want is acceptance for being me. All I want is for her to care about me, to love me.. I had so much hope I could get her to see that. The main reason why I live at home if because I hope that by seeing my pain everyday, my parents will eventually get it, and care about me and what's going on now and what has been going on for the past 20 years.

After she kept making a big deal, and shouting, and screaming, and refuse to watch anything because she didn't care about the video or anything else.. I just went in my room and cried. It was then I realized I was wrong about something.. I've always thought I got everything I wanted as a kid and as a young adult from my parents money wise because they wanted to buy my love and respect..

That night I realized they want to make up for the love and respect they never had for me their child.

I also started thinking that even though I'm sure my birth family would be glad to know I am alive.. I don't know how to ask them to accept me, weather I like it or not I am American. As much as I view myself as Korean and identify myself as Korean and not American, I only look Korean..

I really wish I could just be done with being adopted, Or better yet just disappear.