Thursday, 6 February 2014

My Birthmother & Little Kang.

Hello Readers. My birthmother is my hot topic of everyday life. She's this epic dream I've been wishing for since I was a baby. I feel like she's in a coma and all I have to do is wake her up, but it is so goddamn hard to wake her up. She's just lost somewhere in her brain, sleeping.. She's like a ghost to me and when I cry and scream all I can do is hope some of it gets through the static to her..

I know I need to grow up and move on, but Kang is the little Korean girl inside of me.. And she's terrified of caring about other things. I don't want to let go of that little girl's hand.. I am the only person who has ever held it, and if I let Kang go she could be lost forever sobbing for her mother. I know it's absurd, but letting life progress without my mother terrifies me. I know I don't need her in my life to be an adult, but.. I wish I hadn't grown up without her. I wish I could call her up and ask how to be an adult.

I can't keep dreaming of a ghost everyday anymore. I have to let little Kang go and allow the adult me to step into life. I can't keep living every goddamn moment in the darkness of being sad, depressed, and angry.. It's completely exhausting.

Naturally I'm taking all this turmoil out on my white friends, and Double D. Being so scared and insecure of letting this dream go gets acted out as me being an extra dick about everything that adult me is sure of and believes in. Like dreaming of a utopia is stupid because everyone is a lying asshole, Best Buy is downsizing in ways the public has yet to understand, and I need people's feelings stated in words and actions to accept that they care.

Also, because I know I'll get a bunch of emails from white people, adoptive parents, as well as my white friends who all think they have "relatable insight" on this, you don't. You just don't This IS NOT like giving up pokemon cards or your baby blanket.

I want to scream. I wish I had branched out and became friends with adoptees my own age. I wish I could talk to an adoptee going through letting their childhood fantasies go..

I'm facing giving up on my dream, my ghost mother, in order to move forward and start living. We all need to grow up one day, but what's the difference between giving up and growing up?


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