Hello Readers, Today is the real start of dread for me. The holidays have never been my thing. They promote family, peace, and love, All things I don’t really have inside of me. They’re there, But it’s mostly dormant. Every time I am able to awaken it with hope it gets smothered out by pain and doubt. This year hurts more than ever, But I also have more hope in finding family that I ever had before. I have hope I will find someone from my birth family, And I have hope that they will love me as much as I send almost all my love and wishes to them. If I can’t find them before the holidays have past, I wish all their celebrations leave them well, And I also hope that someone in that crowd house misses me too.
Other than family I have a big problem with American holidays in general. Columbus committed genocide on the Tahoe Indians to "clear" the "new land" he "discovered" for Spain. So of course there’s a national Columbus Day ever though he’s not American, Didn’t discover anything because he was in India, And distastefully “named” the native people Indians. Then the colonists brutally attempted to wipe out the rest of the native population. Other countries like Germany try to move on from the dark history and learn from it. Only in America do people celebrate it and on many days throughout the year. So thank a God that doesn’t exist for Thanksgiving, How else we could celebrate the genocide of a people, culture, and language. It’s something that saddens me so deeply, That most Americans don’t see in their holidays.
How the sadness and pain goes unnoticed by many American I will never understand. It is like how many Americans don’t notice the sadness in adoption. I have been getting “Happy Thanksgiving!!!!” texts all day, not personal just really generic things from people I barely know. Of course a lot of people are sending me “I bet I know what you’re thankful for!” If one more person asks if or tells me I'm thankful to be adopted into the white US I will Stan Marsh this place and burn it down. (*Yes, Total South Park reference, I’m a South Park connoisseur!) Who even says that to a person? What am I supposed to say? What am I expected to say? “You know it! Thank God for my white family adopting me, Being Korean just isn’t good enough!”, Or maybe they expect, “Hell yeah for Americans for buying me! I loved being ripped away from my home, And all the memories I never got to make in the land where I was born!”.
Today is painful for me, Can’t Americans, my peers, my adoptive family understands that? Can’t you see my smudged makeup; Can you not hear my cry. Do you not see the pain poured on my face? Or does my sadness not count because I’m not white, And you couldn’t possibly relate so nothing I feel is real. You spend your Thanksgivings with your family, I spend mine casted in the role of “White American Daughter”, A role I am clearly failing at and should have never been casted to play. The holidays are the worst, This year is the hardest so far, And this year I have more hope than ever.
오늘 가족 휴가의 1의 그리고 내가 여러분 모두와 함께 싶어요. 난 당신이 일 축하 못한다는 것은 알고 있지만, 그러나 가족을 위해 하루. 당신이 겨울 내내 잘 바랍니다, 그리고 누출 죽 많이 먹습니다. 난 당신 모두 바람에 들어갈 수있는만큼 많은 사랑을 보내 매일 밤 공기가 동결되고 별이 크립스랑 때 당신의 안전을 위해 소원과 함께합니다. 당신이 모두를 사랑 해요.