Tuesday, 2 April 2013

My 2nd Biggest Fear.

Hello Readers. A year and 8 months ago I was told my mother might have been a rape victim. In my korean I file she told the intake worker she was sleeping over at a friend's house, 2 male burglars broke in, and she was raped. There's always been a strong possibility that it's true. Once I was finally able to admit and accept the possibility I could be a rape baby, I cried for days. Knowing that the woman who I see as my whole world, that I could have been burning in her, invading her body, continuing her rape.. It broke my heart.

In my last post I shared the new information, that an intake worker named me. Lately I've been pushing it deeper into my mind until I finally made a connection. Sure we can rationalize that maybe it hurt her too much to name me, maybe she always viewed me as my adoptive parent's child.. But maybe she was raped. Even though she found the strength to carry me, she couldn't name something that hurt her so much. She was only 24 and her first child, her baby girl, was a product of rape.

I'm having my social worker check and see what time she actually surrendered me. Once compared to my birth timestamp we'll know how long I was with her. The longer the better. The shorter, the more it points to rape being the facter in her not naming me. I'm not sure what amount of time constitutes as she was most likely sexually assaulted, but I know that if I feel it's that way.. I'll officially close my search for her. *However I will be searching in Korea this summer, just not through my agencies.*

I love her so much and I need her in my life, but I can't revictimize her by having the Korean government and my agencies hunting her when she doesn't want to be found. Her carrying me was really me invading and violating her body for 9 months, only continuing her rape. If this is all true it completely wrecked her first experience of creating life and motherhood. She could just view me as an adoptee, and not her daughter or even biological daughter. Me showing up with KAA, CHS, and EWCS could end up me letting out her secret, humiliating her, violating her, and force her to relive the rape.

I've been crying for days. My eyes are so red, dry, and puffy I don't know why no one at work has been like, "The fuck Morgan?". I work with glasses so clients always stare at my frames and eyes, as do my coworkers. Allergies right?

I wish I had I friend I could tell this too, and cry in front of, and get hugged by, but I do not. When all your friends are all guys you tend to try and not fall into their hug while you cry. You also don't do that with the new girl friends you barely know, or your best gal pal who you haven't been able to schedule with in months. You also don't do it with the guys your only dating and want nothing serious with. You don't do it with the one bro, who you're not dating because he's actually emotionally special, and you don't want that right now, and he's into another girl more. And you really really don't do it with that one guy who has a girlfriend. And you especially do not do it with your adoptive sister who didn't even look at you last time she was at the house. So there's that huge lack of close support too.

I'm pretty sure I'll have to close my search; I really hope I don't have to though.. I hope she spent hours with me and that will only fill me up with more hope for happiness. But it already feels like I'm watching my whole Korean family dying. I'm only 22 and they're slipping away from my little hands. All I wanted was to tell them I loved them all, hear her voice, or even trade the world for a glimpse of a picture.. My whole life all I've wanted is them, my umma, they are my whole heart....

And now I feel like they're dying.

I'm dying.

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