Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Lets Be Friends, Wishes Are Impossible, Bend My Arm?

Hello Readers? Let's just dive right in it. Last night I realized I treat my adoptive parents, as if they're both my step parents. Look at what you've done to the modern family. They only people that picked each other was the parents, while forcing the babies to be raised by foreign strangers.

How did America expect forcing S. Korea into international and interracial adoption to work out? That I'd just fall in love with strangers who don't look like me, hate kimchi, tell me everything that's yellow is bad, and everything white is The Best? Adoption isn't easy for all adoptees, and for some of us it's constantly heartbreaking. To not be white in America is to never be enough and to never be accepted. How could I possibly fall in love with that.

I have a dear friend of mine who's on the outs with his adoptive sister because he supported and agreed with my thoughts on adoption. I thank him for understanding me, and I'm deeply sad that his adoptive sister doesn't. My adoptive sister is the same way. The problem adoptees is that we fight with our own kind all the time. There are too major extremes: Loving your adoptive parents and feeling nothing for Korea, vs having no relationship with your adoptive parents and only having a yellow heart for Korea. It's hard the extremes to meet eye to eye.

Now we can feel anyway we want on our personal adoptee stories, all of our feelings are completely sound. But it is not alright for any of us to say the other's feelings are wrong or not ok. It is not our experience and we can't tell someone how to feel about it. With all the fighting and splitting of adoptive siblings over having different feelings.. No wonder so many adoptees don't associate with each other, no wonder we're scared of each other. And it gets lonely isolating yourself from the only people who could possibly understand all the different meanings of what it means to be adopted.

I cry a lot, like every day a lot. But I don't cry to anyone or in front of anyone. Sometimes I try and picture myself calling up a friend blubbering out how sad and scared I am. Sometimes I try to imagine a friend even pulling through on me calling for them and actually showing up at my door to cheer me up. Sometimes I picture letting a guy get closer than arms length, and letting them hold me and be there for me. But then I shake my head knowing those aren't going to happen for me right now.

There is no one I trust enough to say these things to. Unless someone contacted me, and really wanted to make me talk to them, and really wanted to be there for me. But none of my bros are like that and all of the guys I'm seeing are just dates. There is no one for me to call if this birth search crushes me world. There is no one for me to call if I get passed for the adoptee trip to Korea. There are 3 people I can really see myself getting close too, and possibly letting my arm bend for.. But for all different reasons, none of them are really available and healthy for that.

I always say how strong I feel doing all of this alone. That 2 years ago I'd never think doing this alone would be possible, but now I know it is. And I can take it on my own, but at the same time.. This is killing me, I'm dying to hold someone's hand through the tears, and get a hug when my knees go weak and I fall. Keeping all of this private and not depending on anyone emotionally, it's more draining that I had expected.

Can I tell you all a secret? Weeks ago when I received the new my birth name was given to me by an intake worker, I was at school. I was choking it down really well, but then I ran to the bathroom with my headphones blasting . I got in a stall and fell to the floor crying.. shaking.. convulsing.. for my mother. When I finally came out the school's medical security was there. A girl had been calling out to me and called them when I didn't respond. I was so embarrassed trying to explain to them that I was just really upset over my birth search. So incredibly embarrassed. I wish I had called one of those 3 people.

I ended up calling my friend B about it. She was really great about it, she's always a fantastic person to talk to and catch up with. But I played it off like it was no big deal and just embarrassing and weird.. I wish I would have been more honest. I wish I could have just told her my knees went weak and I fell to the floor convulsing I was crying so hard.

I wish someone would extend their hand enough to bend my arms, and pushed past my arm's length. I wish someone was willing to push past my walls.. I wish I could let my guns down for once.. I'm full of wishes.

*** Here's a really great YouTube video of the song+lyrics of "Impossible" from Cinderella, sung by Whitney Houston and Brandy. Feel better guys :D


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