Wednesday, 26 October 2011

How Do You Cope?

Hello Readers. I have been going through each shelf in my mind trying to figure out new ways to cope. It’s so hard dealing with the generally unnoticed and hard to understand pain of adoption. The reason why I’ve been racking my brain so hard is because the past couple of days have kind of sucked. My cat Panther died.. Now I’m not going to tell you about what a perfect pet he was, Or how smart cats are vs dogs, Or something so cliché. He was an angry cat, And hated almost everyone he met except for me. Maybe animals can just sense if you’re an angry person too? He was a pretty weird cat actually. He’d stalk my friends around the house, Come when called, And every time I cried he’d find his way to me. He was the only living thing in this house that knew how much pain I had growing up.

The reason I brought this up is because I wonder if other adoptees felt this way about a pet, or had one special friend that knew about the confusion, questions, and sadness that can come with being an adoptee. How do you cope knowing about your own pain, And knowing others dind’t notice? Or maybe you’re lucky enough to have someone in your life who did notice? Of course my cat had no idea why I was sad, But unlike the other people in my house and friends he recognized the pain. I’m sure there’s a scientific explanation about chemicals in our brains interacting, But no matter how you look at it it’s still nice to have something to help you cope.

Whenever I think back to my childhood I am so sadden by it. I can’t think of any good memories growing up. The few I do remember, The ones when I got a glimpse of how a family is supposed to be seem fake. There wasn’t any love or connection it just seems like some big joke the universe thought would be interesting to watch play out. Panther was just a cat, Like every other cat, But what made him special to me was giving me the feeling that someone else knew how much I hurt. It’s one of the only real happy things I can take from my childhood. Now he’s just gone.

In a lot of ways he was kind of like a dog. He was always at the door whenever I got home, No matter what time of day or night. Sometimes he’d try and run out, But then he’d just walk me down into my room. Half the time I’d come home and nobody, But him even knew I was gone all day. Every time I walk into the door, I lower my purse in to make sure he doesn’t get into the garage, But when I open the door he’s not waiting for me. I think it’s because I haven’t cried yet, I am refusing to. Because if I cry now who is going to crawl up on my bed and lay by my head, Or run across the house to me, Or paw at my door and sit next to me.. Now I have no one to be angry with, And now there’s no one in this whole damn house to know my constant tears mean something!! What happens now? How do I cope?

고양이와 가장 친한 친구 어머니가 돌아가셨으며, 내가하든 말든 가치가 내 눈물, 슬픔, 그리고 분노와, 현실과 의미 뭔가를 알고있는 가족 왼쪽이 없습니다. 난 당신이 eveyrhting 괜찮을 거라고 말 들었 으면 좋겠어. 매번 누군가 당신이 여기 있었으면 전달합니다. 당신이 통과하지 않은 희망, 난 당신을 사랑 해요.

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